Breakthrough: Exposing Myself

This post is going to be rather uncomfortable for me. I'm going to open myself up and reveal some aspects of myself that I've kept hidden from most everyone.

I was driving around today from one end of the Salt Lake Valley to north of Salt Lake Valley. Granted, it is Sunday in Utah so there are definitely less cars on the road, but still, I was navigating the lanes like a pro.

This may not seem like a big deal to most people, but for me, it is huge. You see, for several years, freeway driving was a terrifying nightmare. Let me back up a bit: I used to be "the best driver ever!" hehe. I commuted 20 miles to and from work daily. Rain/Snow/Rush Hour didn't bother me. I was confident and good at driving. One morning, the day after Thanksgiving 1996, there was a horrible snowstorm. I was not worried, because like I said, I was good. I drove slowly, and gave myself extra time to get to work. One icy bridge, a couple of 360's and a smashed up car later, I realized I was not invincible.

I got right back on the horse and drove on the freeways in the snow again, but each time I was terrified. Remembering in the back of my mind what *could* happen. I put myself into therapy at the time, however I started calling in sick or taking personal days whenever the weather was bad. I would freak out, panic, and obsess over weather forecasts. I would watch multiple channels a night, creating my own statistics tracker even-- this would continue for several years. A little over a year after the accident, I got married, and insisted that we live close to my work. The area was not desireable, but the commute was what mattered. When we bought our house, we knew the neighborhood was crappy, but it was 3 miles from my work. There were some great new homes being built just a few more miles west, which would have cost the same as the house we bought, but I simply would not entertain the idea of a long commute.

Also during this time, I stopped driving on freeways altogether. To my defense, Interstate 15 was under a massive reconstruction project and I didn't want to play that game, but my fear extended to all other nearby freeways. Hell, I wouldn't even allow Jeremy to drive on them when I was in the car with him. It was backroads all the way. It took us 45 minutes to get to my parents house, instead of 25.

I became a prisoner of my own fear.
I lost out on a lot of time... all those years of an extra 40 minutes just to visit my parents. I visit them a lot.
I could have had a house that doubled in value. Instead, my house only went up 50% by the time we ended our marriage and sold it.
I missed work. I missed opportunities. I pretty much became a recluse, because I knew my home was safe.
All of this lead to a stunted emotional growth.

Something inside of me snapped a few years ago, and by taking baby steps, I overcame my fear of not only driving in the snow, but in general. I'm confident again. I'm a good driver again. I have no guarantees that this feeling will stay, but I sure hope so.

I could look back on all of this full of regrets. If I didn't imprison myself, where would I be now? I try not to think about it. The possibilities were astronomical. Regretting will only make me bitter. Instead, I realize what's behind me is done, and I move onward and upward. (I hope).

For some reason, thinking of all of this today, made me think about a former boyfriend of mine. Our chemistry was mindblowing, I know he knew that. I was his first real relationship since his marriage. However, his marriage left him traumatized and damaged. I gave him everything he needed and wanted, but when things were getting serious, he withdrew. No matter how hard I tried to get him to trust me and lean on me, he couldn't. He remembered how bad it could be. Just like I tried to drive the freeways, he tried to have a relationship. But he was scared. Even though I could have been something/someone great with spectacular opportunities and possibilities, the idea was terrifying.

It wasn't me. It wasn't anything I did. We had some minor conflicts, but nothing severe or out of the ordinary. That wasn't the point. He wasn't ready to let go of his fears. It all seems so clear to me now. I can finally stop blaming myself!

I hope that one day, he'll be able to dissolve his fears and have a happy, healthy relationship. They can and do exist, most of my awesome friends are proof of that. Sometimes I drive on the freeway and there's snow or heavy traffic, but I drive it carefully instead of finding the nearest exit. I wished I was the one he endure the rush-hour with, but it wasn't so.

Now I'm going to get all Disney/Pixar on yo' ass! This reminds me of a scene in "Finding Nemo", where Dory and Marlin are hanging on to a tastebud of a whales tongue, when the whale instructs them to let go and fall down.

Marlin: How do you know that nothing bad won't happen?
Dory: I don't.

There's no way of knowing if something bad *could* happen. Bad things happen all the time. But learning to work through those situations and trusting again, are key elements. If Marlin didn't have Dory to push him against his instincts, he never would have found Nemo.

Who'da thunk I would find such clarity from freeway driving, and Disney/Pixar? :)

It's a fine line

I feel like I've got a bit of writers block going. Life is crazy and hectic and wonderful, but I don't have a damn thing to write about. So here goes, just something I was thinking about today.

From Merriam-Websters online dictionary, the word "enable" is defined as 'to provide with the means or opportunity. To make possible, practical, or easy'. The word "assist" is defined as 'to give support or aid. To be present as a spectator'.

My mother, who is a behavior specialist, taught me at a very young age that there is a fine line between these two words. She told me that while it's good to be supportive, it's important to stay assertive enough to not cross the line into enabling the wrong behavior. I'm a rescuer, by nature. I genuinely love and care about the people I'm close to, and am the first to stand up for friends and family. I often have to remind myself to fight my own battles.

I have recently discovered that I am easy to enable. I think this is why I used to cling to prayer so much. It was easy for me to not get to the root of the problem and try to figure out what was causing my irrational fears, because I could just leave it up to god. This was the case in every moment of weakness, inadequacy, or stress. Instead of doing something to change or fix the situation, I prayed.

But wait! I've learned something about myself! I'm not a weak, incapable, stressful person. I have moments of insecurity and let myself believe that. On my recent cross-country flight, I actually did okay. I was a little scared at take off and landing or when we had turbulence, but I didn't freak out thinking my life was going to end. I think this happened because my husband wasn't sitting next to me, and I wasn't about to freak out to complete strangers. This morning I had to drive through several inches of unplowed snow to work, and I didn't freak or stress out once. This could not have been accomplished two years ago. The mere sight of a few snowflakes would cause immense stress about how I was going to get where I needed to go, to the point of even calling in sick because I couldn't handle it.

I'm not faulting those who pray or find comfort in that. I'm simply saying that if I'm stronger than I thought possible, then I believe this is the case for everyone else. It is my opinion that humans are a lot stronger than any kind of religion gives them credit to be. I have come into more comfort and peace with my own life being godless, than I ever did with a god.

It's the little things

I was thinking about my day and all the things I accomplished. Work-wise, not much, so I'm a little down on myself for that. but but but! I did manage to do some other stuff! such as...

• I woke up a few minutes late but still made it to work on time.
• I ate grapefruit for breakfast, with no sugar.
• I walked past the box of free donuts a co-worker brought in today, at least six times. I didn't partake of any.
• I drank 64 ounces of water (oh, and black coffee first thing), no soda.
• I finalized and booked my travel plans for next month (anyone with experience booking corporate travel knows what a pain.in.the.ass it is)
• I convinced a vendor to take me to dinner and a show in Manhattan the night I arrive. I rule at the sweet talk!

meh, it's not much, but it's something. Now the question is, will I continue with my health trend for the day and actually work out tonight? Not bloody likely. I'm thinking about it though, and that's got to count for something, right?