The Banana Incident

In my previous post, I mentioned a banana incident. It's probably one of those situations that you had to be there to appreciate, but I'm going to tell the story anyway. I still giggle about it.

My second to last day in the hospital, I was sitting at a table in our dining area, with Zane and Scott. We were reading the paper, snacking, and having idle chit-chat. Scott got up to get some coffee, and Zane looks at me and says "Hey, check this out. I have no gag reflex!" He proceeds to unpeel a 9 inch banana, sticks it in his mouth and all the way down his throat, then pulls it back out, completely intact. My jaw dropped, I was in awe! Scott, the former police officer, raised his eyebrows and said "Just don't go walking around any SLC parks doing that, alright?" and left the room. As I was laughing at Scott's statement, Zane looked at me confused.

"Why can't I do that in any parks?"

"You know... SLC parks? Teehee! Wink Wink, nudge nudge!"

"I don't get it, can you spell it out for me?" Thank goodness, Scott walked back in. "Scott, Zane doesn't get your last statement, will you please explain it to him?"

Scott says "Look. When you go to certain areas of some of the larger SLC parks, like Fairmont or Liberty, it is notorious for closted gay men to park their cars and hook up. Some back in, some park forward, depending on their preference. If you walk in front of their cars sticking a banana down your throat like that, they're going to think you want a date. If that's not your thing, I suggest you don't do it." I had seen a few stories on the news over the years to know what Scott was talking about. Also, Scott used to patrol these areas.

Zane looked shocked, and we were laughing about it. As people came in the room, I said "Guess what! Zane can stick an entire banana down his throat and pull it back out!" The looks on their faces were priceless.

I gave it up. It was funny while it lasted, but I could tell that Zane was annoyed, I had told enough people, so I was done. At dinner time, Evan sat down next to me. I looked at his tray, and saw a large banana. I said:

"Evan, don't ask me any questions, but when Zane sits down, offer him your banana."

"Why?" Evan said.

"Don't ask questions! Trust me, just offer your banana to him. I'lll explain later. TRUST ME!"

Zane sat down at the table next to us, his back faced Evan's back. I couldn't have more perfectly planned their sitting.

After Zane sits down, Evan leans backward with his banana in hand and said "Hey Zane, would you like my banana?"

A bunch of people (that I had told the story to) start laughing. Zane laughed and gave me a dirty look. He then grabbed Evan's collar, grabbed his banana off his tray, and says "I've got my own, BITCH!" Both tables bursted with laughter. I was pretty proud of myself, thinking that there was no way I could have planned the entire situation better.

Then. Zane's mom comes out of the blue. "Hi Zane! I wanted to see how you were doing. Apparently you're just fine!"

You just can't plan these things.