Monday, December 31, 2007

Christy's mom has got it goin' on!

Something I overheard my mom say, after getting to know her new iPhone:

"This YouTube is pretty neat! I'll bet you can find hundreds of video's on there!"

What is the understatement of understatement? Although I have to admit, she really is pretty hip for a 70 year old!

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

I get by with a little Help from my friends

I like to think of myself as self sufficient.  Emotionally.  Intellectually.  Physically.  Monetarily.  (amazing, I think all of these elements are key to a good relationship, as well!)  I defend this right to be self sufficient, at many costs.  I hide my thoughts and feelings in order to protect myself and those around me.  In the process, I only damage myself.


Case in point:  Late last month, my dad noticed that my tires were balding, and told me that I should get new tires.  I groaned at him (come on, this was right when my daughters had their birthday, and xmas was fast approaching.  Who has money for something that will make them more safe with all this snow we've been having?  Not me!!).  At that point he said, "Tell me if you need some help!"


I didn't tell him.  I ignored it.  With pure damn luck (and a brother in the business), I got new tires, and they've handled the snow with beauty and grace!  Forgive me for the sappiness-- we've had a lot of snow lately.  If I had just told my dad that I needed help sooner, I would have gotten what I need, when I needed it.  I can't believe how lucky I am that my brother was in the mood to do a good deed.

Reminds me of the time after I had my twins.  My husband at the time only had a few days off of work to help out.  After that, I had nothing.  I was too proud to ask for any.  I had some co-workers, and one or two neighbors, say "if you need anything, let me know!!".  Of course, what was I going to do?  Call them an admit a weakness?  That I couldn't supply everything that myself, and my daughters needed?  Hell no!  I can do this!  I don't need no stinkin' help!


And I took no help.  I didn't ask for help.  I was Too Proud.


Why do I do this to myself?

I've had some tough times recently.  A friend was telling me about someone he knows with a certain insecurity, and in order to hide it, they shine it to the public and make it seem like their strongpoint.  At that point I realized, that proclaiming my independence, that really, truly, and TOTALLY, I am not self sufficient.

I Need people.  I rely on them.  I want to be around them.  I want the human touch, understanding, and love.  For so long, I've considered this a weakness.  But take a look around the animal kingdom-  the families stick together.  In Africa, the tribes stick together.  In this day and age, our close friends ARE our extended family.  Why shouldn't we rely on each other, cling to each other, help each other?


The shit we face is too much to take alone.


Thanks to everyone who has been there for me, who has helped me and continues to help me through the tough times.  I need you!  I know I'm a lot of work, but please know that my appreciation and admiration is genuine, and will be returned.


I hope the holidays are going great for all!  I, for one, can not wait until January 3rd when everything resumes to normal.



~XY

Thursday, December 20, 2007

My Christmas List of Things that Must Go

I say this not to offend, but to help you!!

  • Wreaths on the fronts of cars
  • Holiday gift baskets from vendors (I love being spoiled by them, don't get me wrong! But a team can only handle so many chocolates, breads, popcorn, caramel corn, nuts, crackers, and yogurt covered pretzels.)
  • Christmas letters full of sappy religion and no family updates
  • Being lonely
  • Overkill of snow
  • Gift expecting
  • Working during the few days leading up to and following Christmas
  • Mean People
  • Office potlucks

I really don't want to be completely negative, so here is my list of things about Christmas that must stay:

  • Tasteful Wreaths on front doors or windows (I say tasteful because in my last neighborhood, there was a house with a wreath that was so big, you had to step through it to get to the front door. The word hideous doesn't aptly describe. Made us laugh, at least.)
  • Clementines
  • Bob's soft peppermint balls
  • The spirit of generosity
  • Christmas lights
  • Christmas cards that include a family photo... even better if they contain updates on what everyone has been up to in the past year (My friends Grant and Teri always have the best Christmas letters!)
  • Advent Calendars (especially the ones with the little windows containing chocolate!)
  • Using the rest of my PTO for the year
  • Haikus
  • Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (My daughters think he's so cool!)

I hope that everyone is having a fantastic season!

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Hi

My girlfriends are HAWT, and that's all I will say about that! ;-)

My new phone is cool and everything, but the best thing is watching and squashing my ants.

Cheers!

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Advice from Christy

People, if you listen to nothing else I've blogged about, please please PLEASE listen to this:

Before you tear your heart and soul out while switching over from Verizon to AT&T (Sorry my friend. You know who you are and please know I love you just the same!), talk to me first. I figured it out. I have the inside scoop.

Help me help you.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

What a day!

I've been spoiled today!

It started out a few days ago, actually. My brother is the GSM of a local, prestigous, car dealership. Of course, I give him all of my business. (Side Note: I absolutely love walking into the dealership and having the sales guys trip over each other to get to me, as I'm walking in with full confidence, and say "No, I don't need any help, I'm Brad's sister". Of course at that point, they all back off and look at me as if they're trying to figure out how to properly kiss my ass. Superficial for me to admit, but it's a power trip, every time.)

Between my brother and my parents, they've been calling me several times for the past week, telling me that I need to take my car in because there's been a recall. Their shop needs a day to fix the car, and I'm back in business. Of course, my brother will give me a car from the lot to drive in the meantime. So, I take my car in yesterday, and receive a loaner that is the top of the line. That's a standard, from my brother. He is very mafia type that way-- he takes care of those he loves. I go back today to exchange vehicles. He walks me to my car, and says "well, there really wasn't a recall, but I wanted to replace all of your tires for Christmas. Also, I had all the servicing done for your car, too."

WOW!!!

These aren't just any tires. They are top of the line for my 19 inch rims. I knew I needed new tires, and was groaning that it was brought to my attention right before the holidays.


So, here I am, feeling very great about my brand new tires and free service job. Beams of sushine glowing about me, because I have the worlds greatest brother. Then I have a good friend give me a very, very generous gift.

I won't go into the details here, but I was blown away. I feel so un-deserving and inadequate. You know who you are and know what you did, and I thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Allow me to say, with all sincerity, that the friendship you provide for me is enough. In and of itself. I know you hate "thank you's", but Thank You.

I've been treated like a princess today, and I'm absolutely not used to this. Let it be written, and let it be done! December 12, 2007, is Christy's Princess Day.

PS- I'm going to bed now with the knowledge that I'm going to meet up with some of my best girlfriends for coffee tomorrow morning. Now tell me, does life get any better than this??

Friday, November 30, 2007

Christmas Haiku

Tonight Emilie asked me
"Why don't the girl reindeer's fly?"
I had no answer.




Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Happy 6th birthday to my girlies!


This post is late in coming. On the 18th of this month, my babies, Alexa and Emilie, turned 6!! It is so hard to believe. I walk through the stores and see the isles of baby/toddler toys, and I have to remind myself that those are way beneath my girls age and ability.

Last year I blogged about the experience of being pregnant and giving birth to twins, I won't go there again. It's an experience that I play out in my mind, often. It's the hardest thing I've ever done, yet the happiest and most rewarding. Six years ago, I never would have thought I would say that.

At age six, I have two girls who are best friends with each other. They are protective of each other. They are silly. They are SMART. They have fun no matter where they go or what they do. They love to read (they can't really read yet, but can sound out words, and memorize books), they love to play pretend, they are obsessed with horses, love dragons, dinosaurs, Kinder Eggs, and most importantly, friends and family. We had a sweet moment tonight... I bought them the old classic Christmas shows, the stop motion animation with Rudolf, Frosty, and Santa. They wanted to watch the one about Rudolph tonight, so I put it on then excused myself to do laundry. Alexa approached me and said "We don't want to watch the movie about Rudolph unless we can watch it together as a family." So, of course I stopped what I was doing and watched the movie with them.

My girls remind me of what's important. Force me to be patient (which they succeed at, most of the time!). Show me what it's like to be silly and have fun, yet love to learn. My girls inspire me, motivate me, and love me. I am so, so lucky to have them.

Here are some pictures we took the day before their birthday:





Emilie's short haircut turned out to be quite cute, no?

It's my "thing"

Everyone's got a "thing", right? Something mystical, something that just IS about someone, you know? Something that happens for a person, without any effort. A gimmick, perhaps. For instance, Shiree walks into a room and owns it without intention. You just can't not stop and stare at her when she's around. My friend Amy oozes sexuality and confidence. My co-worker Lois can keep a straight face regardless of what's being pulled on her. Remind me to never play poker with her! Heidi manages to attract the crappiest of men, despite the fact that she's beautiful, intelligent, and sophisticated. These are things that can't be controlled or helped, they just are. Some of it is good, some bad. But that's not the point of this.

What's my "thing", my gimmick? It became all too clear to me today. What does Christy do? She witnesses car accidents. It's like a magnetic forcefield. They're drawn to me. I seem to be right there, in the frontlines of it all, but manage to escape without a scratch.

Today I was picking up the girls from Jeremy's house, on possibly the busiest city road in all of Salt Lake County, stopped at a red light waiting to turn left. I was at the front of the line. In the middle of the intersection was a Dodge 1500 pick up towing a trailer. To my immediate right, a car comes zooming down the road, oblivious to the red light, and slams into the drivers side door of the truck. The truck driver gets out the other side, goes and goes to the car who hit him, and the girl gets out of the car, then passes out in the middle of the intersection, while I'm on the phone with 911.

Ultimately, everyone was fine and was able to walk away from this. I have a terrible, terrible fear of car accidents, that goes back exactly 11 years MINUS TWO DAYS, where I was in a bad car accident on the day after Thanksgiving. I was okay, but the car was totalled. I was driving over an icy bridge and lost control. It took me YEARS to recover from that (sometimes I wonder if I really am?), but shit like this accident has popped up all too often. I know the course. I know how to fill out the police forms. I know what info they need. I know that in all of these cases, had the drivers turned their steering wheels slightly in a different direction, I could have been seriously hurt.

Bah. Be smart, people! Pay attention to red lights, halted traffic, your blind spots, and don't J-Walk!

I'm going to cover this post with another, more uplifting post, that will include pictures. I just needed to type this out!

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

General update on stuff and things

My daughter Emilie really did cut her hair. All of it. I'll post pictures after we get them taken this weekend, but it's pretty bad. Her hair looks like a little boy's. Hopefully it grows fast! Other than a trim one year ago, I've never cut their hair! SOMEONE (not me!!!) left her alone in a room with a pair of scissors. I know this happens to most little girls, but it never happened to me. And, usually, it's just the bangs, not the whole head. Whatchagonnado? Of course this would happen one week before her 6th birthday, when I was planning on taking them in to get their pictures taken. At least everyone can tell the difference between them now.

I'm almost done weaning myself off of my antidepressants, which I started taking last February. The weaning process has not been so bad, mentally. However, I notice that I'm suddenly experiencing emotions that I haven't felt in quite some time. At first I didn't know how to handle it, thought something is wrong with me, but then I took a step back and realized what is going on, so I'm able to handle it better. I probably offended lots of people along the way.

After some brown nosing, pestering and perseverance, I was able to get into a three day class at work (one that is taught at a university level, but crammed into three full days instead of a semester) and I love it! BUT, get this! Today, I realized, that some of my participation (raising my hand like a teachers pet), enthusiasm, and commentary to the lesson, was done with my second button on my blouse undone. The one that goes RIGHT over my cleavage. Exposing myself to the 25 other people in the room who turned to look at me every time I spoke, which was often.

So.... how was YOUR day?

Sunday, November 11, 2007

That is so much weird!

(The title is a direct quote from my daughter Emilie. My diva princess Emilie. My angel who was left in a room by an un-named person, unattended, with a pair of scissors. My darling daughter who chopped off all of her beautiful, long, golden locks, and now has very, very short hair. One week before her 6 year old pictures were to be taken. Emilie.)

I've been tagged! The cause is a good one, my blogging skills suck. Thanks to dmarks from inaholdingpatern! The rules are:

A). Link to the person who tagged you and post the rules on your blog.
B). Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself.
C). Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
D). Let each person know that they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.




-----------------

I was tagged about a year ago by darling Sideon, to post six weird things about me. I'll attempt to not repeat any of those weirdnesses, because my god, I have plenty of them.

Here goes.

#1: Recently, I've been thinking about the weird traits that make me ME, and was actually wishing I'd get tagged to post about my weirdness again. True story!

#2: I don't eat or drink or otherwise partake of anything blue. It's just not natural. There is nothing edible in nature that is blue! Don't say blueberries, because they're purple and you know it!

#3: There are certain foods that my stomach doesn't recognize I'm full of, and I seem to be able to keep eating and eating them. They are: Watermelon, Mango's, Pistachio's, and french fries. To name a few. At least only one of those foods will kill me.

#4: When I get fortune cookies, I have to eat the cookie first, then read the fortune, or else it won't come true.

#5: I absolutely will not eat hot dogs unless they're 100% USA Beef, and loaded with crap, such as Chili, cheese, sauerkraut, and onions. I'd be just fine if the actual hot dog were not included.

#6: I don't eat anything that comes from a pig. Not for religious reasons, but because I like pigs too much and and I don't enjoy the fatty stringyness of it. However, on occaision, I will eat a piece of crunchy (nearly burnt) bacon. I like to think that bacon is a vegetable. Definitely doesn't come from a pig!

#7: I get grossed out sooooo easily! For this reason, I don't watch horror movies, because of the gore. Last week at work, some co-workers were talking about the Hostel movies. I would never ever see these movies myself, but based on their comments, I was morbidly curious what they were about. My co-worker sat there for a long time telling me about both movies. After that, I got lunch. I ate two bites of corn, and was done. For dinner that night I still wasn't hungry, so I ordered soup. I ate a quarter of the small container, and was done. Hearing gross things is the best diet for me, although I don't enjoy it. The rest of the day I kept asking my co-workers how they could put themselves through that kind of trauma. I don't get it!

shit, I could keep going, but I'll stop. I gotta tag 7 people now. Please, don't take offense, and just play with me!

1. SumWun
2. Exvestigator
3. A New Eric
4. Aerin
5. Mini Jon B.
6. Lemon Blossom
7. Regina Filangi

damn, I just noticed that most of my list is about food, Kinda strange, since I've not had much of an appetite lately.

Monday, October 29, 2007

no title

I mistakenly deleted this post, so here it is again:

Originally posted on Friday October 26, 2007

I woke up this morning to find out that my friend Patsy's sweet husband passed away yesterday. I blogged about them before, he had metastatic melanoma. He called it mela-SUCKA-noma, but I'm pretty sure he meant mela-FUCKA-noma. He fought that beast hard for 100 days.

Hold your loved ones tighter today, in memory of Bryce Brown. Oh, and try to make a new friend somewhere along the way, because that's what Bryce would do.




I will add some more thoughts since the opporunity is here. Ever since I received the devastating news of Bryce's passing, I've done a lot of reflecting. I didn't know Bryce as well as I wanted to, or should have. Bryce was in my debate class, my sophomore year of high school. He was funny, a total pop-off. I always felt like he was out of my league so I didn't extend myself the way I should have. We did mock-trials together, he played the part of an attorney and I was a witness. He prepped me well, and was a kick-ass lawyer. That was Bryce-- he was just good at everything he put his mind to.

His wife is the one that I've referred to on this blog as Patsy, in my attempt to help her remain anonymous. However, because her blog has become quite high profile, and because she's wanting to speak up and warn the world about the dangers of tanning, I feel safe in referring to her as Tammy, for this post.

Someone on the outside might look at Tammy and think that she's had the world handed to her on a silver platter. She's had some unique privileges, that is true. However, while she could have easily lived the high life, she simply didn't. She loves and interacts with all people. She could just as easily dazzle the president of the united states, as she could a street vendor. Tammy has experienced some horrible, painful, heart wrenching times. She has faced some of the biggest challenges a person should never have to. Her dignity, grace, and ability to still have a sense of humor throughout it all still, is nothing short of miraculous. I can't believe how lucky I am to know her. I know I've praised her on this blog before, but I can't say these things enough.

Bryce had beautiful eyes and a warm smile. He was friends with everyone he met. Like Tammy, status meant nothing to him, he was unconditional. I've never seen Tammy happier, than she has been in the past 5 years with him. You know how girlfriends get together sometimes and gripe about their spouses? She never did that. She never once complained about Bryce to me. She loved him, every piece of him. Bryce was a big guy, and a lot to love. He worshipped his daughter. I was at their house just before his diagnosis, and I told him I wanted to take their baby home and keep her forever, and he quickly denied me.

It's beyond unfortunate that this most excellent human being had his life cut short. A lesson I've learned while standing on the sidelines of this ordeal, is that PEOPLE ARE GOOD. Forgive your grudges, open your hearts, be patient, be KIND!

Last, but not least, STAY AWAY FROM TANNING BEDS AND WEAR SUNSCREEN!!!!!

Thursday, October 25, 2007

True Story

"Craig is all about luxurt and comfery. I consider it a comforment that he chooses to hang around with me."

Said by me, to Shiree.

No, I'm not going to tell you how many glasses of wine I had before I made that statement!

Monday, October 22, 2007

You make me feel like Dancin'

On saturday night, I went to a Halloween/Karaoke/Hypnotist show party. I dressed up as a masked woman. I wore a long, strapless, black sequined dress, and a mask that covered my eyes with black and white feathers, and more sequins. I put glitter all over my shoulders, upper chest, cheeks and eyes, and sprayed my hair with glitter hair spray. I was sparkly! (Sorry Craig, you'll be dealing with the after effects of that for days or weeks to come. Think of it as proof that I was there!)

At the party, my friend Anna's fiance, Alan, grabbed my hand and made me dance with him. He spun me, twirlled me, and bent me backwards. I've never danced with him before, so I wasn't confident that he wouldn't drop me when doing these stunts. Plus, my shoes were gripping the floor. It was fun, I kissed his cheek when the song was over, and sat back down. A couple of songs later, another guy (who I don't know, can't remember his name!) grabbed my hand and also made me dance with him. Same thing... he spun me, twirled me, and bent me backwards. Thanks to the warm-up I had with Alan, I was slightly more confident and easier to dance with. It was fun, he kissed my hands when it was over, yadda yadda. Stayed at the party a little bit longer, and left. Sunday I pretty much lazed around all day, not any kind of intense activity. Then this morning happened!

I woke up this morning with the most intense back pains, and upper thigh pains. I couldn't figure out what I did the day before to make my body ache so badly. Then saturday night came to mind. Ugh. I love dancing, but apparently I need to do some warm up exercises first!

Which brings me to my next thought. I'm a sporadic watcher of "Dancing With The Stars", at best. Rarely watch it, and when I do, it's only because I need to better understand what my co-workers are talking about. However, this season, I'm a bit more captivated, because Jennie Garth is a participant.

Really, who can look this good in 1990:



And still look THIS GOOD in 2007?


I worship this woman! And normally, I'm not into blondes.

What's the point of this post? Vote for Jennie. And vote often!

(PS- any advice as to how I can get rid of this back-ache that doesn't involve Ibuprophen?)

Sunday, October 14, 2007

A plea to anyone who reads my blog!

Last night, my boyfriends vehicle was broken into, and all contents easily removable were taken, including my cell phone. Everyone is okay, and today we reflected on the fact that this could have been so much worse-- this is more of an inconvenience than anything. No one was hurt, and certainly, more valuable items could have been taken.

This is where my plea comes in! If I at one time had your phone number, even if I rarely use it, will you please text or call me so that I can re-save it in my contacts list? I didn't memorize or write down any numbers. Why should I, with this great technology? hehe. Besides the point.

I promise, if you text or call me, I will use and abuse your number more frequently!

PS- if you text or call me, please leave your name as well. Thanks!!

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Welcome to Thursday

Nothing says "Welcome to Thursday!" more than having the RM who sits over the cubicle wall from you, whistling to the tune of "If You Could Hie to Kolob".

Great. That tune is going to be stuck in my head for the rest of the day. da da da da daa daa daa daaaa daaa da da da da daa da daaaaa

Is it stuck in your head, too? Because if I suffer, everyone suffers! :)

Monday, October 01, 2007

What is this world coming to?

Brittney Spears had to hand her kids over to Kevin Federline. Now, I posted a link to a white trash Spears about a year ago... and in that link it seemed like Kevin was smarter, but I didn't really believe it.

Sometimes, going to work seems like more of a rest than being at home.

It's so shocking to find out that places in NYC or Las Vegas really DO sleep.

The Real World becomes less of a real world and more of an orgy.

Spice Girls tickets sell out in 38 seconds. This is in the year 2007!!

Many men and women really DO want the one they can't have. If for no other reason.

Five year olds have a lot of insight to living life.

Blondes really do have more fun.

Being accomodating and adaptable to change tends to get one walked all over.

Humans are more sincere than they are given credit for.

You really do need to be careful what you ask for, because you might get it. (with great power, comes great responsibility!)

"There's no sign of life
It's just the power to charm
I'm lying in the rain
But I never wave bye-bye"
~Davis Bowie

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Blog Pimpin'....

I recently discovered this blog and it hasn't bored me yet, that's a very good sign! This dude (or dudette, haven't figured a gender out) manages to find some of the coolest, most interesting things in the world and post about them.

If you like knowing stuff about things (and who doesn't?!?!) I suggest you check out Deputy Dog.

Ciao!

Monday, September 24, 2007

My, how her talents have increased!

Do you recall the post I made last year about my daughters art skillz, that she got from me?

Well, she had to go and prove me wrong. Her skills have intensified to amazing levels! Luckily, she inherited this talent from her dad. I am not able to draw a straight line with a ruler!
Oh, you want me to prove it?

Okay, well check this out, drawn by my daughter Alexa, the same one who drew the "infamous bat":




I know you don't need me to explain that this is Bono, because of course you already knew that. Check out those glasses, and the microphone! The little brown critters next to him? Why, those are his chihuaua's. Like, duh!

Friday, September 21, 2007

Gonna party like it's my Bloggiversary!



Happy Bloggiversary to ME! It was one year ago today that I finally started blogging. I initially started it to better stalk my friends Eric and Laura. Plus I saw the community that blogging brought together, and wanted to be a part of it. As my original post states, I really didn't think anyone would ever read it, I thought I was just doing this to say what I wanted to say, in my own place.

Things that I've learned in the past 365 days:

The things people say on their blogs, are not an accurate representation of who they truly are. 'nuff said.

The more you post, the more responses you get.

If you post, they will come.

There is one single celebrity that has generated more hits from google searches than all the others combined, multiplied 10. I'm afraid to mention her name again, so let's just say that it starts with an S and ends in a carlette. Her last name starts with a J and ends in ohanssen. People are quite perverted, in what they want to know about her.

Readers eat up posts that talk about Victoria's Secret models.

No matter how careful you think you are on your blog, trust me. From my own experience. Random people from your real life WILL find you. Sometimes it's pleasent. Others, not so much. Be careful what you blog about.

Blogging can be addictive.

No, being a fellow ex-mormon/woman/mommy/depression sufferer/Bono worshiper will NOT guarantee that you will ever get to meet Dooce.

Most bloggers are da coolest cats, evah!

Adding any kind of visitor tracking device to your blog makes it so much fun! You get to stalk who stalks you!

I'm so glad I crashed the blogosphere party! I've met some truly amazing people this way, and have learned much about myself.

Here's to many more!

Sunday, September 16, 2007

It's hard to keep some secrets!

This is the guy who makes my heart go pitter patter:



It's true. :)

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Haiku time with a bonus!

I am getting old
There's no use denying it
Now time to accept
Several things have been brought to my attention lately that reinforce the fact that I'm getting old. Now, I don't say this to patronize, I'm only 32! It's like someone who is 15 pounds overweight complaining about what a fatty they are to people who may be morbidly obese. The fact of the matter is, there is no reversing the age factor, it's not like losing weight. Every day I get older, whether or not I notice it. To me, it feels like I stay the same, but everyone else around me ages. Then I wake up one morning and have kindergartners. Children of colleagues, whom I remember as newborns or tots, are going to Jr. High School or getting drivers licences. This realization freaks me out. I remember the first day of 7th grade, as if it were yesterday!

I was born the youngest of the youngest of the youngest of the youngest. I've always been the baby of my family, and used to being the youngest person wherever I go. All of that is fading away. I used to detest being the youngest, and welcomed the day where I would feel average. As you can see, this is all rather humbling. I don't hate the aging process, per say.... it just shocks me.

I went to the Lagoon amusement park this summer, for the first time in 12 years. I always had season passes when I was a teen, then worked there at age 16. By the time that summer ended, I was "lagooned out" and returned a handful of times before I stopped altogether. That's besides the point, just setting my situation up.

So, I'm in line for the bumper cars. The ride is still the same. The technology is the same. The cars are the same. The speech is the same. The only, and I mean ONLY thing different about this ride is the paint on the north wall. Really.

Back to standing in line-- I was sitting there reminiscing about my days operating that ride. I actually loved that ride because it kept me in the shade, and I got to test drive the cars to make sure they worked, or park them if I was on the afternoon shift. I was 16 when I worked that ride... so I looked at the operator, and realized that she is most likely 16. now. Holy Hell, I was 16 exactly 16 years ago. This means I worked this ride when she was a newborn. That was half of my life ago.

OH. WOW.

I can't stop this. My only choice is to enjoy it. Luckily for me, I look much younger than I am. Part of this is genetics, and part of this is because I don't love being in the sun. When I am, I wear insane amounts of sunscreen. I can count how many times I've been sunburned, on one hand. Yes, I'm pale and practically ghost-like, but I'm okay with that. When I'm 60, I'll look 40. Which brings me to my final point of this post.

My friend Patsy, whom I have blogged about, is still helping her husband fight cancer. Things aren't great, but they're doing what they can. She's living what would be a nightmare for anyone.... yet continues to do so with such dignity and grace. She posted this link in my comments, so I'm going to post it here: http://www.brycedbrown.com/ .

Please everyone... WEAR SUNSCREEN! If you're a parent of a teenager, do NOT allow them to use tanning beds, they kill! As my friend said, you may get protesting, but do it anyway. You're saving their life.

Also- cherish your small moments. Enjoy watching TV with your loved one. Express your love. Hug your babies tighter (even if they're not technically babies, they're still your babies!). Revel in the mundane ordinary. Love your life. Pass hope and kindness on to others. Just do it.

Saturday, September 01, 2007

Henry and June

My dear friend JulieAnn blogged about it, and so will I. I was priveleged enough to be her guest at a screening of this movie at a small bookstore, downtown SLC.

First of all, allow me to give some props to JulieAnn- she is a rare woman who is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside. I've known her for just a couple of months, but she and I have a great connection. I'm so lucky to know her and be friends with her! Besides, she fed me some amazing food! Mwah! Love you, JulieAnn! Luck, I tell you. LUCK!!

So, we go and watch this film, with our respective SO's (yes, I have a significant other. No, I haven't blogged about him. Yes, he is HOT. No, you don't get to meet him yet!). SO and I felt very corporate at this shindig. Not nearly goth or hip enough. At any rate, they welcomed us, offered us wine and beer (which I partook) and we settled in for the 2 hr.+ movie.

I could relate to so much of what Anais Nin experienced. In this film, she is newly experiencing her own sexuality, as it relates to men and women. The scene in particular that grabbed me, is where she is out and about an notices all of these men noticing her. Wow, yes.

The first time I noticed someone notice me, I felt dirty. I felt like I did something wrong because a person of the opposite sex noticed me. Thank you, mormon mindfuck. This happened in 6th grade. I wore a miniskirt one day, and Marcus looked at me under my desk. I felt so violated, and evil at the same time. Yes, he looked at me, but it was my fault! Bad, bad me. I never wore that skirt again.

Later, in my married years, I recall going grocery shopping one day. A man walked past me and had an obvious head turn, watching me walk into the store. I was wearing black capri's an a light blue babydoll-t Tshirt. I was humiliated, and refused to wear that outfit again.

Back to Anais. god. This woman-- is exquisite. Considering what was taboo in the 1930's, she made it into herself. What she was, who she is. I'm certain that if she existed today, she be a blogger, to the likes of JulieAnn (Ravings of a Mad Woman), or Dooce (Heather Armstrong). Someone who knows how to eloquently speak her mind.

JulieAnn- Thanks so much for inviting me. I feel awakened. Alive. "innocent", and beautiful. I truly love it when I find someone whose words are exactly as they write- geniune, humble, real. They are what they are and offer no apologies, nor should they. I love people as they are, and am fascinated by how they inspire me.

The human species rules.

Friday, August 24, 2007

I got inked!

I got this tattoo last month, and am finally getting around to blogging about it now:






I LOVE it! I've wanted a tattoo for years, but never knew what I would want to live with, forever. Then I realized that I wanted an ankle bracelet with a heart shaped charm that had and "A" and an "E" in it (for my daughters!). Inspiration struck, and through several twists of fate, I was lucky enough to end up with Steve from Anchor Ink, downtown SLC.

Steve owns the company, and knew exactly what I wanted: Something feminine, badass, and meaningful, all the same time. I gave him my ideas, and he ended up with this. I love it, and know I will, forever!

Friday, August 17, 2007

Can't think of a title for this one

There are people who come in to your life, that I consider to be "Once in a Lifetime Friends". These are the people that you know you are lucky to know. The friends who love you no matter what, and that you love, no matter what. Friends that you may go years between speaking to, but when you do, you pick up right where you left off. Friends that you look at in awe, because you know just how lucky you are to know them. What's even more amazing, is that they want to be friends with you, too!

I've been so lucky to have such a friend. I've posted about her before, she's known on the Degenerate Elite as Patsy. She's always been supportive of my blog and leaves her great personality spattered throughout the comments.

Patsy is the most funky and fun person I know. She is the epitome of ultra hip, even without trying to be. She's always been, in my mind, the type of person who is the best at whatever she does. Whether it's cleaning her house, painting a portrait, drawing a charcoal ape, flirting with boys, baking a chocolate cake from scratch, singing, doing her hair and makeup, doing friends hair and makeup, swimming the butterfly stroke, playing the flute, drawing charicatures of just about anything, or harvesting the bones out of a corpse. Yes, that too. Her talents reach far and wide. And truly, she is the best at whatever it is. The spectacularly amazing part about this, is that she's so damn humble about it. She doesn't think she's the best, she just is.

Patsy listens to me without judgement. She has allowed me to return that favor by confiding in me as well. She has always offered an understanding and open heart, and has a way to find the humor in any situation. I've seen her face the harshest of lifes realities, and she handles everything with incredible dignity and grace. She is, without question, someone that I am damn lucky to know. It's crazy for me to remember a time that I avoided her presence (stupid high school drama!)

Patsy is facing the toughest challenge of her life right now. Her darling husband, her best friend and her soul mate, has been diagnosed with a very aggressive form of mestatic melanoma. His doctors have given him two months, but every day it seems to get a little more scary for them.

I was just at Patsy's house last month. I spoke to her husband, and held their 7 month old baby. This baby is the first baby that I've ever held that has given me those baby hunger pains. She is so sweet, and so loved. Patsy and her husband went through their own personal hells (he has fought cancer before, and was just told that he beat it. She went through a horrible divorce), and found each other 5 1/2 years ago. They are so in love, so happy, and have built a wonderful life together and finally had their dreams come true of having a beautiful daughter. Then they get this devistating blow.

This is where I need my blog friends and readers... if any of you have any experiences with this kind of cancer, let me know and I'll give you the link to their blog where you can offer support and/or encouragement. If you'd like to see their blog and I know you, send me an email and I'll give you the link. Otherwise, please, whatever it is you do to have miracles performed, can you please keep this family as part of your practice? If you meditate, pray, positive thoughts, vibes, whatever... please keep my friends in your hearts.

All of my love to Patsy and her family.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

The Great and Dreadful Day

For nearly 6 years I've been looking forward to this day. I remember hearing and seeing other moms talk about how this day brought them heartache and sadness, and I thought they were silly. There has to be everything in the world to look forward to on this day. This day marks the entry into freedom, growth, space, and overall happiness. Those other moms were just saying it made them sad, to make them feel like a better mom.

Then, it happened to me. What is it, you ask? Today, I began the process of registering my daughters.... for Kindergarten.

*sigh*

For the most part, I am happy and not sad. I've always been a working mom and have had guilt over the fact that I'm not at home with them each and every day. On the other hand, I selfishly love my independance and freedom while I work, and love being "Christy" for 8 hours every day. However, there is not a minute that passes, where I don't think about my blonde haired, blue eyed beauties. One of my daughters, Alexa, asked me once what I do when I get sad and miss them. I told her that I have pictures of them all over my walls at work, so when I get sad I can just look at them, think about how cute they are and how much I love them, and get happy. Then, she asked me to give her a picture of me so that she can do the same thing.

These two girls have been the loves of my life. There are times that I get frustrated and lose my patience to embarrassing levels, but I've never know more beautiful, intelligent, funny, sweet, kind, and caring individuals. I have seen them stand up for each other "No mom, you are NOT taking her to the doctor to get shots. Take me!" , "It's okay if Alexa gets the last pair of spiderman socks today. I want to see her look cool!" (yes, they love spiderman and love their spiderman socks) , "Emilie, I love how you look when you're running in your sandals and wear capri's". These two angels are best little friends, friendly to others, sensitive, and inclusive. I couldn't ask to know, let alone raise, two better human beings. I am so lucky.

Just today, Emilie told me that she loves me to death and can't even stop hugging me. Alexa told me that she wishes she had a really big bum so that everyone can smell it. We all laughed, giggled, and snuggled.

In two weeks, they will start kindergarten. My perfect girls. They're not going to be the smartest in their class, they're going to be perfectly in the middle. They're going to make lots of new friends and dazzle their teacher(s). There is no doubt that for the rest of their life, they're going to be known as "The Twins". They'll have noteriety and popularity without trying, but I think they'll set a good example of how to be. I didn't ask for twins, I didn't hope for twins, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

I just can't believe how fast time has flown. In another 6 years, they'll almost be 12. Unfathomable. I love my sweethearts more than life itself. I'm so lucky!

Still, selfishly, I am looking forward to kindergarten. Mostly, I can't wait to see how their minds grow!

Friday, August 10, 2007

Vegas Baby, yeah!


I'm off for a weekend of sin and debauchery. I would return and report, but you know how it goes.... what happens in Las Vegas, STAYS in Las Vegas!

Monday, August 06, 2007

Huh.

Last night I made a very long, overly detailed post about part IV of my relationship examination process. I posted it, shut down my computer, and got ready for bed. By the time I was done with my routine, I realized that I didn't like the vulnerable and exposed feeling I had. I didn't realize that publicly talking about my past relationships would bother me, but this time it did. Perhaps it spotlighted my faults in an all too real manner. Perhaps I realized that I haven't changed as much as I thought I have. Perhaps I'm pissed that all of the pain I experienced still hurts a little.

At any rate, I'm not able to talk about it anymore. The post was up for about a half hour, I think a few people already saw it.

Monday, July 30, 2007

This weekend I experienced....

Dirt roads, childrens laughter, deer, four wheelers, relaxation, horses, trees, road trip, Idaho, hugs and kisses, excited faces on my daughters, dust, new friends, a hot shower on a tired and dirty body, isolation, views disrupted by other gorgeous views, bunnies, Gewerztraminer wine, cows, goofy grins, my daughters living their dream of being up close and personal with beautiful horses, wind on my face, Idaho strength beer, wildflowers, badgers, sweet and calm ranch dogs, old friends, chili and cheese potatoes, horseback riding, afternoon naps, air conditioning, a few read pages in the final Harry Potter, being awoken in the middle of the night by sweet dreams, good conversations, spontaneous moments.

I think I have experienced heaven.

Monday, July 23, 2007

10 Weird or Different Experiences

The lovely JulieAnn has tagged me to post 10 weird weird or different experiences about me. I have posted some strange things about myself in the past. I'll try to come up with 10 more!



1. When I was 7 or 8, I slid down the twisted banister of the house I was living in (in Germany), and my foot got caught between the slats. I fell straight backwards, and hit my head on the ground, hard. I passed out. My oldest sister found me, took me into the living room, and I swear between that time, I had a life after death experience. I saw the bright white lights, and turned around and walked back. I was confused as hell when I woke up.



2. I used to make myself pass out all the time, when I was in Jr. high. I learned how in 4th grade by accident, when doing what I could to make my face really red. It later became a recreation. Luckily my mom saw what was happening and got me some professional help.



3. I believe that in my previous life, I was a broadway diva who was very mean to people. As a punishment, I was put in this life with absolutely no talent but total desire.



4. I said it in the last post but I'll say it again, because it's that weird. My memory is insane. I scare people, and embarrass myself.



5. I take a certain medicine at night (Trazadone) to help me sleep. In turn, it gives me very vivid, realistic dreams. To the point that I've had to ask people if I dreamed about a conversation we had, or if it really happened.



6. I think I had my first orgasm at age 8, sliding up and down on a wooden pole of playground equipment at my school in Germany.



7. Speaking of Germany, I used to live across the street from some "Gypsy's", meaning a family from Yugoslavia. It was an old woman and her mentally challenged, adult son. I used to think that they were going to kidnap me, so whenever had to go past their house, I ran. Then I used to pop my head out of my roof top window and spy on them. The most sinister thing they did was hang their laundry and try to sell my mom a rug.



8. While at an ex-mo picnic on sunday, I ran into a girl that I've known since pre-K, in Bountiful. I moved away, but moved back to Bountiful in time for High School. Our groups of friends were friends, but different cliques. I remembered that in kindergarten or 1st grade, I slammed her finger in the bathroom stall door. I used that stall every time ever since, out of guilt. There was a little bit of blood left on the door, so it was easy to remember. She showed me the scar that she still has on her finger, since that incident, but forgot it was me who inflicted the damage.



9. After I click on "Publish Post", I know I'll come up with a million weird situations that I've had, even though I'm struggling to think of them right now.



10. My dreams have been known to be prophetic. Whether it's being in a room of someones house I didn't know existed, a conversation that takes place the next day. I'm not talking about deja vu, this is different. I have a dream, think about it the next morning, then the person I dreamed about will come up to talk to me and I already know exactly how the conversation is going to go.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

*Sigh*

It's been forever since I have posted. I'm so sorry for those of you waiting for an update. I have so much to say, but so little time to say it. For the next little while, I don't have internet access at work. That sucks.

Today I feel that I have to post about something incredible, something miraculous, something amazing.

Are you ready for it?

Today. I met none other than. The one. The only. The famous. WRY CATCHER!!!!

I went to an ex-mo picnic in Lindon today. Most of my friends were there, all of our kids ran around and had tons of fun. yadda yadda yadda.

I MET WRY CATCHER!!!!!!!!

*sigh*

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Okay, you asked for it. Part III in the examination

Where did I leave off? Oh yeah. End of Sophomore year with Stephen Flynn.



OOOOH, one part about my soph year that had an impact on me. Valentines day, I was sitting in my Drivers Ed class when the office aide walked in with a balloon, rose, and a card, and said "This is a delivery for Christy blahblahblah". I was shocked, because things like this never happen to me. It was a balloon that said "I Love You" and a red rose and a card that said on the outside "At first I thought I wanted you for one of my friends" And the inside said "Then I thought, to hell with my friend, I want you for myself! Happy Valentines day! From ?" They had actually written a question mark. I never did find out who that was from, despite relentless attempts and bribery. grrrr.



Beginning of Jr. Year, Stephen and I had worked out our friendship, and things were going well. He started dating one of my friends, and while I was a little envious, I liked them both and was happy for them. I moved on myself, liking and dating other people, even though Stephen could have snapped his fingers and I would have been his, at any moment. Jr. year was rather boring. We were great friends, but both being active, involved 16 and 17 year olds. We had common friends, classes, interests. I developed a crush in the middle of that school year on a boy named Matt Tolman. He was the first guy I wrote a note to confessing my interest. His response, to my best friend, was "That note was well written". There's a little more to that story, to be explained later.



That summer, The Cure was coming to town on their Wish Tour ("Friday I'm in Love"). Stephen was first in line, waiting over night. I went with our friends to say hi and take some snacks, and I said to Stephen "So you're taking me to the concert, right? I can't wait for our concert, we're going to have so much fun. The night of the cure concert, we should all get together to goth it up first", etc. Stephen finally said "You know what? Okay. I'll take you. I want to take someone I know will appreciate and enjoy it." and that was it. I was THRILLED. The concert came mid-summer, we went and had a great time! Then my mom scored some most excellent seats to the broadway tour of Les Mis. At this point, Stephen and I were hanging out every day, with our friends, or alone, and just having a great summer. Naturally, I invited him. He refused. I didn't get it. I knew he loved Les Mis as much as I did. All he would say is, "no". Our friends were equally perpelexed, asking him what was up? One night, when we were at a friends house, he was leaning against the hood of his car, and asked me to come talk to him. "The reason why I said no to going to Les Mis with you, is because I've already gone this summer, and have taken another girl. Emily Christensen." She was the girl at my school who was voted with the best smile. Plus, her parents were loaded. "But," he continued, "If you'll still have me, I would be much obliged to attend with you." "Okay," I said. "Sounds like a plan." The next day I saw him at a city carnival, walked up to him, and said "Nevermind, my mom already sold that ticket to someone else, sorry!". Truth be told, I sold the ticket to my best friends sister. The tickets were on the 5th row, orchestra level. Stephens loss. My loss, as well.



By our senior year, Stephen and I called each other "Best Friend". We just had a lot of fun. Both dating other people, but hanging out often with our same group of friends, so totally comfortable. In fact, he had a girlfriend before his mission, who went to another school. At this point, I was great friends with his girlfriend, and he and I would double date all the time. I think at this time, both of our families fantasized of the day we would get together, as did I. But, the interest wasn't there on his side, and I wanted to at least keep him as a friend.

The thing about Stephen, is he liked the girls that were out of reach. He only went for the really pretty and popular girls, not the average best friend type of girls, like me. I never had a chance, and I made my self too accessible and available. There was no challenge. This story is to be continued.


Moving on with my senior year, I dated other people. Started dating Andy Skelton, at about the time I asked him to the Halloween dance. I found out he had liked me since the year before, but never actioned his feelings. I was going out with him, and his best friend Arlo Weston, was going out with my best friend, Viki. The four of us did everything together, and had SO much fun. Andy was completely enamored of me, and that was nice. Me? Not so much. I was lonely, wanted a boyfriend, and he was ready and willing. Plus he was the best friend of my best friends boyfriend. This worked. By the time the casual Jr. Prom came around, Andy asked me, and Arlo asked Viki. Viki and I were bored.... I mean we knew we would go to Sr. Prom with them, so why go to Jr. as well? We agreed that it would have been more fun if Arlo asked me, and Andy asked her. So, I answered Arlo with a "YES" and Viki answered Andy with a "YES". The boys were confused. We explained how we felt, and they agreed to it. The day before the dance, Andy came down with the flu and couldn't go. I told Arlo, his family, and Viki, that in no way was I going to the dance, he should absolutely take her. Our answering to the contrary was just to be silly and have some fun. The next day, the day of the dance, Arlo called me and said "Hi Christy, this is Arlo. Will you go to the Jr. Dance with me?" "What??!?!" was my reply. "Look," he said, "I would have done something creative here, but we're leaving in about an hour and I need to know now if you want to go." "Uh... uh... Okay! Why not?!?!" was my reply. An hour later, he picked me up. This guy was a class act. He took both Viki and I to the dance. Paid for our activity, dinner, etc. We got out picture taken, all 3 of us together. This dance was SO.MUCH.FUN.! Arlo will always hold a special place in my heart for doing that.



I broke up with Andy after Valentines Day, because I developed a crush on the new boy, Clint Duke. Not much to say here. The crush was mostly unrequited, but I really wasn't into Andy all that much, anyway. He was convenient, more than anything. Andy did ask me to Sr. Prom, we went with our group of friends. Later he dated the girl who posts on my blog as "Patsy". He told her horrible things about me, and me horrible things about her. Patsy and I had a mutual dis-like for each other, because of Andy.

The thing is, I wanted to like Patsy. She seemed like fun, and we had a lot of friends in common. All of my friends liked her and went to her house often. Patsy had a total party house. My friends would all go there and have a great time, and I would sit home and sulk. The story of Patsy will continue, but to her suggestion in the comments on my last blog post, let me tell you about Andy's treehouse. OH, Patsy! I think you should draw a picture of it, email it to me, and I'll post it in my next blog post, deal?

Andy's treehouse was the biggest treehouse, ever. It took over his entire front yard. I'm not kidding, this thing is massive. Anyone who has spent considerable amount of time in Bountiful could point out the Skelton treehouse to you. It has levels upon layers upon levels. It had hammocks, tents, stairs, swings, slides, all over the freaking place. In my opinion? EYESORE. Our friends LOVED this treehouse, and many nights were spent playing tag on this treehouse. As for me? I hated it. I liked Andy, hated the treehouse. The structure scared me. No one else had a problem playing on this thing, but while everyone else would run all over it, I would sit on the swing over the driveway at the bottom. Next to the final slide. I think it was Andy's fantasy to live in this treehouse forever. If he could have had Patsy and I as his celestial wives? Even Better!

Patsy, the call is out. Somtime in your freetime, since you have so much working full time and having a newborn daughter, I want a picture of this catastrophe, drawn by Y-O-U.

So, yeah, recap: I still liked Stephen, dated and broke up with Andy, lusted after Clint, and hated Patsy, all in my senior year of high school. Andy worshipped me, didn't like that. Stephen wouldnt consider me, drove me wild. Clint titillated my brain, and still does, truth be told. Something about Andy landing a girl like Patsy after me, made me batty and oddly jealous.

The summer between high school and year one of college brought a lot of new things for me. To be continued!

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Examining past relationships Part II

Thanks everyone for your great feedback on your last post! Writing it was therapeutic for me. It's not been painful at all... YET! In fact, I'm wondering how far I'll let myself write about. You see, I've been split with Jeremy since the first part of the year, and he's also a blogger. I will talk to him and see how he feels about it, but I know he knows I will be respectful and careful, only telling MY side of the story. Also, I've dated quite a bit since the demise of our marriage, and some of those men know about this blog (due to creative googling or me sharing the address), so I'm not sure if I want to write about those relationships or not. I want this blog to be drama free. We'll see how far I get!

Before I continue, there was one Jr. High relationship that I neglected to write about. And how could I!?!? This was my first *REAL* kiss! His name was Julian Mendozza. He was in my 7th grade English class, but I never noticed him. This was in Germany, and the Jr. High had 4 dances a year, all at night for 3 hours each: Halloween, Christmas, Valentines, and spring/end of year. The Halloween dance was my first major dance, and I was having so much fun! I finally made it into the popular crowd (eyes rolling here), and lots of boys were asking me to dance that night. For the most part I was too shy to accept, so I turned them down. By the end of the night I had a ton of adreniline running through me, and I had to stay until the very end because my mom was the student council advisor (yeah, lucky me!! not.), so most of the kids had gone home during the last 20 minutes. At one point I found myself dancing with Julian. I recognized him, but didn't know him. He was wearing a witches hat, and while we were dancing, I kept taking it off and tossing it like a frisbee. We were being playful, cute, like the 12 year olds we were. When the dance was over and lights turned on, we sat on the bleachers. He asked me if I would go with him, and I immediately said "No!" and got up and walked away. My parents were RIGHT THERE! Later I was chastised by friends, who told me that Julian was the sweetest guy who would never hurt a flee. The next monday at school, I walked right up to him on the school grounds and said "I made a mistake when I said no to you on Friday night. Is it too late for me to change my mind?" He had a big toothy grin and said "Not at all!" and we hugged, our friends clapped, Jr. High romance at its finest.

That week, I was staying at my best friends building, who lived right across the street from his building (Air Force Base housing here!). So we walked home from school together. He saw my friend and I carrying laundry down to the basement through the windows in the stairwell, so he and his friend came over to hang out with us. I told him I must have looked like a dork carrying laundry down and he shook his head and said "No, you looked FINE." *sigh*. The next morning we walked to school together, then home together that afternoon. A bunch of kids from the neighborhood got together that night to hang out and shoot the breeze before bedtime, and my best friend Mandy (the girl who french kissed her boyfriend on the playground in 5th grade, noted in previous post) said "Tonight is the night you two will kiss!" She whispered that into Julian's ear, grabbed all the other kids hanging out with us, and disappeared into the stairwell. Julian and I stared at each other, as nervous as we could be. We kept looking away, looking at each other, the ground, blushing giggling. Goodness gracious, I was TWELVE YEARS OLD. Then at one moment, our eyes met, we each took a step closer. He put his arm around my waist and pulled me close and planted a wet one on me. After that we stepped back, and he ran home across the street. The kids came out of the stairwell laughing, clapping. I went to bed, dreaming of that kiss.

The next day at school, he and I were shy around each other. We walked home again, keeping our distance. The next morning, I broke up with him. I wasn't ready for such a step. But, was it that, or did I get what I want and then leave? I dunno. I never missed him. He turned into a bit of a hoodlum after that. I found him attractive in the "bad boy" sort of way, but because he was not mormon and I was so, so mormon, I wouldn't consider that.

WAIT! One other Jr. High relationship I haven't written about! Andy Welch. I loved him. Looking back, he was my first true love. I knew him since 5th grade, but one day in 7th grade I looked at him and though "Wow.!" I loved him from the middle of November until... well that love didn't end, and was unrequited. I tried to get over him but he knew I had these feelings. At one point he had a little crush on me and wanted to dance with me at the Valentines dance, but I had plans with my family and dad's office to go Skiing in Innsbruck, Austria that weekend. I did have priorities. He couldn't ask me to dance with him, and ended up re-connecting with an old girlfriend of his, Jill Safkin. I had it for him that entire year. To me, he was perfect. I will always consider him the first boy I fell in love with. I know it was 7th grade, but I also know the feeling of love. That was it. I have no clue what happened to him after I left.

On to High School: I moved back to Bountiful just before my senior year of high school. I moved into a ward where I was the only girl my age. Everyone was either 2 years older than me, or 1 year younger. Instead of having me regress, they were nice and allowed me to join the laurels before I was of age, because those girls were in high school and would take care of me. When I first moved into the ward, a woman told me that she had a son my age (the only boy our age in the ward), but he was in Europe on some sort of field trip. Huh, ok, whatever. The sunday before the first day of school, he arrived. Stephen Flynn. W.O.W. Stephen was everything I liked in a boy. He was tall. Had sloppy hair but NOT A MULLET (this was 1990, after all). He had round glasses. He was my age. He.was.PERFECT. I could not stop staring. I was sitting on the stand because my family had to speak and introduce themselves since we were new in the ward. I stared at him the entire time. When I was speaking, I saw him sit up straight and listen to me. All I could think was, "I'm going to marry him". I just knew I would. We weren't introduced that day. The next day, first day of high school, I saw him scaling the stairs, and he was wearing a Smiths t-shirt. Could he be anymore perfect??

Nothing more happened with him until we started rehearsing for the road show and had to spend several saturdays and cast parties together. I was smitten, in a way I never knew possible. Stephen and I started this amazing friendship. We got together all the time and hung out at all the high school stomps, games, and church dances together. First time he asked me to slow dance was during "Somebody", by Depeche Mode. Second time was "Unchained Melody". I was sure the feelings were returned. We gave each other christmas presents, spent New Years Eve together, hung out at school, talked on the phone every night-- didn't this mean we were an item? He turned 16 right before the Jr. Prom, and told me how he so looked forward to that being his first date. I wasn't turning 16 until a month after that, but made it clear to him that my mom would still let me go to a school sponsored dance. I hoped he would ask me. I expected him to ask me. Then, I found out through my best friend Emilie (Yes, the girl I named my Emilie after) who was good friends with his younger brother, that he had asked Sharon Goodrich, one of THE most popular girls at school. And, she said yes. Ugh. Heartbreak. Crushed. Devistated.

The rest of my sophomore year, I felt like I lived in the shadow of Sharon. She was cute, pretty, and popular. I was a new girl (kind of. I grew up there and had just moved back. Sharon was actually my best friend in 1st grade), and not one to be desired. I kept my distance from Stephen the rest of the year, although I did try once to reclaim our friendship, by asking him to my first girls choice dance. We had fun, nothing happened, yadda yadda. During that summer, Stephen confonted me about how knows we were such great friends then I lost it when he asked someone else to the dance. He still wanted to be my friend. So we were very platonic friends after that, not talking about much else.

I can see that this is going to take more than one post, and this one is long enough. I'll continue the saga of Stephen in my next post. Suffice it to say, I carried a torch for him for many, many years. I hope he googles his name someday and reads all this.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Examining past relationships Part I

I read somewhere once that marriages don't fail, they conclude. It is sad for me to think about, but it's true. I've learned that divorce, no matter what the reasons or who initiated it, is extremely difficult. Not for someone who is weak at heart.

Lately I've been doing a High Fidelity deal where I've re-examined my past relationships and trying to figure out what went wrong. I'm going to talk about them, and on some of these, I'm going to use their real names because I'm hoping that by some small chance, one day they will google their names and see that I've talked about them, and contact me and let me know what they're up to.

***DISCLAIMER!*** This is only my side of the story. Each of these boys/guys have their own to tell. Please keep this in mind!

***DISCLAMER AGAIN!*** Because this is so long winded, this post only contains childhood through Jr. High. More to follow!

First relationship ever was with Jared Steenblik. I met Jared in my ward and knew him from baby age on up. Right before kindergarten, we were a hot item. I remember my 5th birthday, he gave me a box of play-dough. Later I went with my mom to drop the kids off, and when I got home, Jared was sitting at my kitchen table, playing with the play-dough he gave me. This is true romance for you-- after we dropped him off, he went into his backyard, cut across my best friend Emilie's back yard, and broke into my house which was 2 houses away. We spent Kindergarten chasing each other around the playground and sitting next to each other in class when we could, but the relationship had no chance. We were too young, and our parents wouldn't let us move in together. We were in different classes in 1st grade, so we only really saw each other in Primary each week. The relationship could not last, as I moved away and back a few times. We went to the same High School, though. We never talked to each other much, but made a point to sign each others yearbooks every year. He and I always had a special bond, there's something unique about maintaining a friendship with someone from your past like that.

After that, it was Chris Green. Chris was also in my ward, and a year younger than me. During the summers, his mom would babysit me a few times a week, so we were together often. One night his sister invited my sister over for a slumber party. I was jealous, and pitched a fit. So his mom said I could sleep over, too. We all slept in our sleeping bags in the living room. He fell asleep, and the girls stayed up to play truth or dare. My dare was to kiss him. Chris Green was my first kiss, and I'll never forget that! I moved the next year, and maybe said 5 additional words to him the rest of my life.

I had a crush on some kid in my 3rd grade class, and dammit I don't remember his name! I do remember fantasizing about showing up to school in a most beautiful princess gown, having him come up to me and kiss me. This was my first time feeling inferior to someone. He was "above my league", so to speak. The smartest, best looking kid in the class. No way would he like a dorky girl like me!

In 4th grade, I got to my desk one day with a note on it saying only "will you go weth me?" I looked around the class, couldn't figure out who it was from. I was grossed out by the idea, and threw the note away. It even had a decorated border! Later that day, a boy named Justin Hall walked up to my desk and slapped another piece of paper on my desk that said "WILL YOU GO WETH ME!!!" I freaked out, wrote "NO!!!!" On it, then slapped it back on his desk. Even then I was a spelling snob and said "Besides, I can't go out with a boy who can't even spell WITH!" After that, he tormented me with notes, then they got nasty. The day before Halloween, he passed me a note first thing in the morning that said "I'm going to screw you on Halloween". Yes people, this was in Bountiful Utah, and I was being threatened with rape at age 9. I didn't think to tell the teacher. That day during recess on the playground, he started chasing me, and I ran for my life. He chased me all over the place, relentlessly. I had some friends who saw was was going on and either ran with me, or tried to stop him in his tracks. When the bell rang, I ran into my class, and told my teacher what happened. The teacher called him up, had a few words with him, then sent me home for the rest of the day. As I recall, he never bothered me again after that. This was a truly horrifying moment for me. I moved away the year after that, and when I returned to Bountiful 6 years later, I asked about him. No one knew what happened to him. Sometimes I still wonder. Good enough reason why that couldn't happen, eh?

I moved to Germany just before 5th grade. I don't know what happened here, I wasn't boy crazy at all at this point, but I had several boys ask me to "go with them". I was a good mormon girl, and said no to each one of them. Even when the most popular boy, T.J. Daniels, asked me. My best friend Mandy started "going with" another boy named Cary Belmear, and they french kissed on the playground, in 5th grade!! Quite the scandal, clearly I wasn't ready for such antics.

At the end of 5th grade, a boy by the name of Jeremy Cochran moved and was new in my class. From the moment I saw him, I couldn't take my eyes off of him. But I wasn't one of the cute petite girls (always a bit on the taller side, myself) so he never had those same eyes for me. However, he and I became great friends, could really talk about stuff and things.

6th grade was boring. Not much to tell.

7th grade, Jeremy Cochran was in my band class. He was on the trumpet, I was on the flute. Again, I couldn't stop staring at him. We started of a conversation where we left off in 5th grade. I immediately re-ignited my crush. My relationship with him was rare, and I'm not just saying this because he was my first "Real" boyfriend (although we never kissed). He and I talked, flirted, and stared at each other for about 6 weeks before he asked me to "go with him", and I said yes. The weird thing about this relationship was that I dreamed the situation in its entirety the night before it happened.... in extreme details. He played football at the local rec center and asked me to go to the homecoming dance with him. Because I was a good mormon girl who couldn't date in an even extremely controlled environment (Pee-Wee football? Come on!), I had to say no. He still wanted to "go with me" anyway. After that, we both got nervous about the expectations and stopped talking. Didn't even pass notes. After a week I missed my friend and realized how pointless the relationship was, so I broke up with him, telling him I still wanted to be friends. Suddenly, we could talk and joke and hang out again. About a week later, I had another dream that he asked me to "go back with him". The next day, TO THE ENTIRETY, this happened. And I said YES!! This time, things were different. Keep in mind that in 7th grade world, 1 week seems like 1 month in the real world. ANYWAY, we started going out again. This time we didn't talk or hang out as much, but it was different from before. Then I started becoming popular. And my friend, Jennifer Ayers, found out that I was going with Jeremy. She looked at me one day and said "Jeremy Cochran?" And made the gagging sign with her finger and her throat. At this point I desperately wanted to be popular, and friendship seemed more important than boys, so I asked her to tell him to break up with him for me. She did. He came up to me later that day and said "Jennnifer Ayers said you wanted to break up with me, is that true?" I said "Yes, but I still want to be friends" and that was it. To this day, I have regrets about that. I could have handled the entire deal so much better. Jeremy and I broke up, then didn't talk much more after that. He was my first boyfriend. I'd love to talk to him again! I contribute the loss of this relationship to peer pressure. A stupid girl finally gets what she wants, then gives in to peer pressure because he's not "cool" enough.

The next two years are a blur-- I moved back to Utah, and went from a big fish in a small pond, to a small fish in a big pond. A lot more students and population!! I was a total dork. I'll never forget my first 8th grade assembly where I had to sit by myself, then listen to a girl talk on the bus ride home about how she had no one to walk between 4th and 5th period with, and how embarrassing that was. I may as well have been from another planet, and a loser. I remember a region dance for church where one guy named Mitch Schroeder asked me to dance. I thought this meant that he had a crush on me, but hindsight tells me that his best friend had a crush on my best friend, so he only asked me so his friend could ask her. I read too many teen romance novels at this point and fantasized about a real romantic realationship developing with this guy, but he never spoke to me again. I got over him, eventually. As far as I can remember, I have nothing to tell about 9th grade. Lots of depression, no romance.

Okay, this post is long enough, so I shall end it for now. I'll do a part II where I start with High School.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Haiku 4

Haiku is not hard
No creative bone needed
It is fun to plot

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Haiku 3

I'm on hiatus
It is just for the weekend
Tuesday, I'll be back

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

If it didn't happen before "I Love You", then it didn't happen.


So says Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City.


I have become a newfound fan of Sex and the City. When it was in its regular run, I didn't have HBO, and was annoyed by Sarah Jessica Parker's public persona. The desire to watch the show wasn't there. Then the show started airing on TBS. So very curious, I decided to watch. Immediately, I was hooked!


This is a great show! I've only ever caught it on TBS or when I did a free trial of HBO last winter and watched a few episodes "On Demand". I LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE this show! I need to break down and buy the series on DVD. There is so much wisdom! I could have titled this post "Anything I Need to Know, I learned from Sex and the City". A few of my favorite quotes!: (There are others!)


Carrie: Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.



Carrie: That's the thing about needs. Sometimes when you get them met, you don't need them anymore.



Mr. Big: after a while, you just want to be with the one that makes you laugh.



Duncan: I'm just one of those weird male aberrations who prefers to be married. I like stability, I like routine. I like knowing there's people waiting for me at home. I guess that makes me sound pretty dull.
Miranda: Are you kidding? You're the heterosexual holy grail.



Charlotte: I have never done a number two at a boyfriend's place.
Samantha: Honey, you're so uptight, you need to do a number seven.


Carrie: I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love. And I don't think that love is here in this expensive suite in this lovely hotel in Paris.


Carrie: You shouldn't have to sacrifice who you are just because somebody else has a problem with it.



I could go on. I love the writing, the acting, the directing, and most of all, the location. How I wish I had friends like that, scenarios like that, living in a city like that. For now, I live vicariously through them. I had a friend ask me who I relate to the most. The answer? Everyone, on some level.


Miranda: I have an intellectual woman inside of me. Also, some great maternal insticts.


Samantha: What woman doesn't have a sex goddess inside of her? Not this one, anyway.


Carrie: She has amazing insight into her single and lovelife. Talented writer. Secure, confident. Is able to get together with some of the most amazing men. I feel like when she says or feels things, I'm right there with her. I know, sweetheart. I know.


Charlotte: The woman I relate to the most. I didn't want to like her at first because this actress was evil on Melrose Place. However, despite the physical similarites of long, straight dark hair, I love her assertiveness with men. She never loses her identity, despite being head over heals in love. She has scruples, yet is highly sexual.


PS- My BFF Shiree reminds me of Samantha, in looks and oozing sexuality. I'm just sayin'....!

Friday, June 01, 2007

Haiku 2

German food is good
It goes so well with Riesling
Spaetzle is tasty

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Priceless

Black capri sailor pants from Express: $60.00

Black strappy sandals from TJMaxx: $20.00

Black and white top from Vanity that is strategically revelealing: $25.00

Victoria's Secret Secret Embrace Push-Up Bra: $45.00

The look on the Elders Quorum Presidency sitting in a truck, tripping over themselves to be nice to me?:
PRICELESS.

Haiku 1

Blogging has been sparse
From now on I shall Haiku
When no other words

Monday, May 21, 2007

Simply Exquisite!

I got to meet Sideon for lunch today! This man is every bit as charming, funny, fabulous, and real as his posts. It was all too short of a time, then I drove him back to the airport. He kept thanking me for the ride, but truly, I was the lucky one. Who else gets to spend one on one time with him? Besides... well... a number of other bloggers. But still, it was Pure.Heaven.

Until we meet again! ;-)

One last thing-- HAPPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY to every bloggers favorite sweetheart, Sister Mary Lisa! After I meet her, I can die happy.

Cheers!

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Yup. It really *does* rule to be me!

I got to talk to both Sideon AND SML on the phone today. AT THE SAME TIME!!!

I wish I coulda been there. Can't wait to read their after-posts.

Doncha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

hehe.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

So Sweet!

This is my baby nephew Alex, and his dog Zoey:



I'm such a proud aunt!

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Ode to Costco

Costco Costco... how do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

***sidenote*** Remember my prediction about Google ruling the world one day? I still believe that. I think nothing would be better than to have the president of Google also be the one who calls the shots for the world. I want a google telephone line, ISP, computer, electricity, etc. etc. etc. I told my dad this one day and he agreed with me, but said they really ought to co-brand with Costco. Brilliant!! It is clear where I get my intelligence from, no?

On to my counting.

1. Customer services is unsurpassed. I have never had a bad experience with a Costco employee. It is clear to me that those who work there are treated very well, love their jobs, and have a ton of loyalty. I have been told that here in the Salt Lake City area, the Costco Checkers make $20 an hour! That is fantastic! Satisfied employees are a sure sign of a strong company.

2. The stores are always clean. This is a biggie for me. Even their public restrooms don't give me the heebie jeebies.

3. The food court pizza and hot dogs are fantastic! Not to mention CHEAP! And their churro's are a huge hit with my girls. Everything else there looks tasty as well. I can feed my entire family huge meals for less than $10!

4. The frozen entree's make me feel like I'm feeding my family delicious and healthy dinners. From the grilled chicken/artichoke heart ravioli, lasagna, french onion soup, teriyaki chicken and rice, it's all very tasty!

5. The Kirkland brand. Most anything that Kirkland puts their name on, you can pretty much guarantee that it's going to be the best of its product.

6. The return policy. They'll take anything back.

7. Their bakery is fabulous! The pastries are always perfectly moist, cakes are huge and yummy, their pumpkin pie makes it possible for me to never have to bake another pumpking pie again, the tiramasu is impressive to take to parties, and their cheesecake. Their CHEESECAKE!

8. Produce is alwasy fresh. Their avacados, mangos, mango slices, apples, oranges, pluots, lettuce, tomatoes... YUM!

9. Their meats are perfect cuts.

10. I can't believe I haven't mentioned their prices yet! The savings make the $50 membership worthwhile!

11. Clothes for kids and adults. Always in fashion and reasonably priced.

12. CHEAPER GASOLINE!

13. Whenever I have to bring something to a potluck, it's always something from Costco, whether it's a main dish, appetizer, or dessert. From the festive holiday cookie platters to the yummy artichoke jalapeno dip, it makes me look like I have the talent and skills of Martha!

14. Buying diapers and formula in bulk for baby twins. 'nuff said!

15. I've been replacing my old makeup with the Kirkland brand, and I love it!

16. Their flowers are always huge and fresh and beautiful.

17. CHEAPER GASOLINE!! I had to say it twice because it's so nice!

That's 17 ways so far, enough already! The point of this post is just to say, if there is life without Costco, I don't want to know what it's like.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

The Man who Rocks My World

Was born 47 years ago today. In those 47 glorious years, he has brought peace, kindness, hope, poetry, philosophy, and rock and roll to the world.



HAPPY BIRTHDAY BONO!!!


Wednesday, May 09, 2007

I've been dumped

The therapist that written much about in several previous posts, that I worshipped and adored, has dumped me. :( Not really... her office is set up for short term help, and she said it was clear that I needed someone long term. Sadly, I have to move on.

She was amazing. She helped me learn so much about myself. She was able to clearly see some inner workings of my brain that I was never able to make sense of before. She helped me discover that writing (physically writing, not typing) is a lost art that I love.

I meet with a new woman this afternoon. Long term therapy, here I come!

Monday, May 07, 2007

The Banana Incident

In my previous post, I mentioned a banana incident. It's probably one of those situations that you had to be there to appreciate, but I'm going to tell the story anyway. I still giggle about it.

My second to last day in the hospital, I was sitting at a table in our dining area, with Zane and Scott. We were reading the paper, snacking, and having idle chit-chat. Scott got up to get some coffee, and Zane looks at me and says "Hey, check this out. I have no gag reflex!" He proceeds to unpeel a 9 inch banana, sticks it in his mouth and all the way down his throat, then pulls it back out, completely intact. My jaw dropped, I was in awe! Scott, the former police officer, raised his eyebrows and said "Just don't go walking around any SLC parks doing that, alright?" and left the room. As I was laughing at Scott's statement, Zane looked at me confused.

"Why can't I do that in any parks?"

"You know... SLC parks? Teehee! Wink Wink, nudge nudge!"

"I don't get it, can you spell it out for me?" Thank goodness, Scott walked back in. "Scott, Zane doesn't get your last statement, will you please explain it to him?"

Scott says "Look. When you go to certain areas of some of the larger SLC parks, like Fairmont or Liberty, it is notorious for closted gay men to park their cars and hook up. Some back in, some park forward, depending on their preference. If you walk in front of their cars sticking a banana down your throat like that, they're going to think you want a date. If that's not your thing, I suggest you don't do it." I had seen a few stories on the news over the years to know what Scott was talking about. Also, Scott used to patrol these areas.

Zane looked shocked, and we were laughing about it. As people came in the room, I said "Guess what! Zane can stick an entire banana down his throat and pull it back out!" The looks on their faces were priceless.

I gave it up. It was funny while it lasted, but I could tell that Zane was annoyed, I had told enough people, so I was done. At dinner time, Evan sat down next to me. I looked at his tray, and saw a large banana. I said:

"Evan, don't ask me any questions, but when Zane sits down, offer him your banana."

"Why?" Evan said.

"Don't ask questions! Trust me, just offer your banana to him. I'lll explain later. TRUST ME!"

Zane sat down at the table next to us, his back faced Evan's back. I couldn't have more perfectly planned their sitting.

After Zane sits down, Evan leans backward with his banana in hand and said "Hey Zane, would you like my banana?"

A bunch of people (that I had told the story to) start laughing. Zane laughed and gave me a dirty look. He then grabbed Evan's collar, grabbed his banana off his tray, and says "I've got my own, BITCH!" Both tables bursted with laughter. I was pretty proud of myself, thinking that there was no way I could have planned the entire situation better.

Then. Zane's mom comes out of the blue. "Hi Zane! I wanted to see how you were doing. Apparently you're just fine!"

You just can't plan these things.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

My Celebrity Look-Alikes... WTF?



No Julia Stiles, Maggie Gyllenhaal, or Renee Zellweger!

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

The People

"In a sky full of people, only some learn to fly. Isn't that Crazy" ~Seal

I want to write about some of the people that I met at the crazy place. None of their names are the actual names. These characters will likely come up in future blog posts. The following post was written for purely selfsih reasons, I don't expect anyone to really pay attention to it. I just didn't want to forget these details.

The first person I met was John. He is the man who came up to me my first night and told me that I was going to be okay. The next morning I was sitting on the couch in the dining area, and he sat next to me. He asked me if I was a cutter. I asked him if I looked like a cutter, and he said yes. I told him no, and told him what happened. He told me that he drove his car into a concrete wall on the freeway going 115 MPH. The airbags saved his life, and broke his ribs. John and I clicked immediately, he became one of my favorite people. He never got to move up to my unit but was given cafeteria priveleges, so I got to see him every day. Every time he saw me, he told me I looked 100 times better than I did the day before. Later he told me that my first night there I was so roughed up, I looked like a wrestler. We joked about that ever since.

After I moved into the adult unit, I met TJ. TJ seemed like a typical boyscout, and for some reason I felt safer having him there. He became my hero after he gave me one of his disposable razors so I didn't have to be an amazon woman anymore. (we were trusted with razors in the shower, but had to give them back). TJ also told me I looked better every time I saw him. One night we had a fire alarm go off at 3AM, and he was running up and down the halls banging on everyones door making sure they were awake (fals alarm). He was there for two weeks, and I never knew why.

Stuart. I could write poetry about Stuart. Possibly the most beautiful soul I have ever met. He is active LDS, has an adorable wife and baby son. He was very sad. For absolutely no reason. He said he's always suffered with depression. He was there for electric shock treatment. My first day there, I was napping in my room, and heard music down the hall. I thought it was the radio, so I went to see what was up. It was Stuart playing his guitar and singing "The World I Know" by Collective Soul. When he was done I asked him if he took requests, but unfortunately he didn't know anything by U2. He introduced himself to me, and after that, for some reason was comfortable with me. I found out later that he was excruciatingly shy and didn't introduce himself to anyone. He sat by me at group therapy sessions and at mealtimes. He played his guitar for us every night, it was a major mood boost. He was discharged the day before I was, and he was terrified to go home and face his reality. Such talent in this beautiful soul, such kindness. So much sadness. I don't get it. I just don't get it. I will always have a part of Stuart in my heart.

Sammie, my roommate. She is a southern belle that swears like a sailor, we got along great. She had some of the funniest sayings and was hilarious without trying. Sammie has lived alone most of her life. Her family lives across the country, and she has two cats for companions. She OD'd on over the counter pills with whiskey, because tired of her sad, lonely, and also overwhelming life. Going to this place was heaven for her. She was constantly surrounded by people who understood her, talked to her, and laughed with her. This was like a vacation at a restort for her. At night time, she would talk and talk and talk my ear off. One time I got up to go to the bathroom and closed the door. She kept talking to me. I shouted through the door "Sammie, I don't mean to be rude, but I have a shy bladder and can't talk and pee at the same time." And she said "oh, ok." then continued talking. *sigh* My last night there I tried going to bed after she was already asleep, but as soon as I entered the room, she started talking. No sleep for Christy.

Evan, former high school jock in his mid 20's. Alcoholic, drug addict, depressive. Very attractive guy, but was mostly stand-offish. However, once in awhile he would completely blow me away by sharing some deep, personal secrets. He had a great soul, just didn't want it to be widely known. He is staying there to detox, then entering a 30 day program to help him overcome his addictions. I admire him for having the strength to seek help at such a young age. He has a lot of bravery and I cross my fingers that he will make it.

Danny is 22, formerly in the Navy. Tall, thin, shoulder length curly dark hair with shine to make any girl green with envy. He also had tattoo's all over his body. I like to call him "Drama Queen". Every group session, we would brace ourselves for Danny to talk because he would go on and on and tell the same stories every time. He loved being the center of attention, loved being dramatic, loved the drugs he was getting (valium) to help him overcome anxiety and depression. He was a good guy, we had some good conversations. I don't know how he'll handle life in the real world, I'm afraid he'll go back to his old ways. He thought I was his age. Heh.

Hannah is also 22, she had been in the facility for two weeks, was still there when I left. This poor girl has experienced more pain and anguish in her life than anyone should ever have to in a million years. She watched her father kill her little brother when she was 4 and her brother was 18 months. He went to prison for 7 years then her mom welcomed him back home. She married her high school sweetheart when she was 18, he passed away in his sleep when they were 20. She has a quietly optimistic attitude. She was real.

Janet is a BYU student about to graduate, married in the temple with two kids, and is addicted to pain pills. She left the same day I did and is headed to a wilderness program in southern Utah for 35 days to overcome her addiction. She and I connected right away. After I was finally granted access to walk around without an escort, she and I went for a walk together. She told me "Christy, I just wanted to share something with you. Whenever people get up in sacrament meeting and say 'I know the church is true', I think that I just want to get up there and say 'the gospel of the church is true, but the people are not'". I just smiled and nodded, it wasn't the time to blow up and say "I didn't leave because I was offended! It was the history!".

Zane is a cool punk kid, and was kicked out of 3 universities for dealing drugs such as heroine, cocaine, and meth out of his dorm rooms. He dressed ultra hip and had gauges in his ears, with black spikey hair streaked with bright colors. This was his second attempt at detoxing. When his meds weren't kicking his ass and forcing him to sleep, he was funny, articulate, and intelligent. He is also the instigator of "The Banana Incident" that will deserve its own blog entry in the future. The night before I left, his friends called him and had relapsed. They said "Zane, you've relapsed before, you can relapse again! Fake it and get out of there and come do meth with us!" This devistated Zane and the doctors decided not to release him until he finds other methods of support when he leaves. When I left he gave me a big hug and wrote his number down and said "You better call me!".

Bob was a big brother/father figure to me. He is a rugged truck driver with a rough exterior but has the softest, most tender insides. He and I joked around a lot and had a lot of laughs together. Not once but twice he tried to force me to watch "Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy"... ugh! He's been unhappily married for 20 years, really wants a divorce, but has two daughters that he doesn't want to disappoint. One of his daughters was raped on easter two years ago, and he has a lot of residual anger from that. This recent easter, it all became too much for him, so he put a gun to his head and tried to pull the trigger, but it didn't go off. So then he took some anti anxiety meds with some whiskey. My last night there he banged on my bedroom door after I was asleep and said "GOODNIGHT!", reminding me of a pesky older brother.

The last person I'll write about is Scott. Scott is a former police officer for one of SLC's toughest neighborhoods. He was very attractive, in extremely great physical condition. His wife looked like a barbie doll and he had four above average looking children. You would never expect to see someone like him suffer with such severe depression. Scott was shot in the line of duty a few years ago, and had to medically retire. He told me that there is so much going on in our communities that doesn't make the 6 or 10 o'clock news.

There were many others. A retired school teacher. And alcoholic single mother. An alcoholic stay at home mom of four children. A beauty queen who suffers from narcotics addiction. A woman whose husband was leaving her after his 16th affair. The day before I left, two women detoxing from meth were admitted. I've never seen anyone detox before, it was quite the reality check. I never want to forget those images.

So many different people, so many different paths in life. Somehow, we all ended up at the same place at the same time, and had no masks to hide behind. Depression and addiction does not discriminate.

"Imagine all the people living for today" ~John Lennon