Monday, March 31, 2008

Some people claim that there's a woman to blame...

Bull Shit!

Shut Up, Bitch!

Fuck you!

That's what your sister said!

That was my BROTHER!!!

This weekend, my super-cool most awesome friends and I went on an outing together to The Tavernacle. This was my second experience there, and I can't (literally) sing their praises enough.

My friend Erica and I have a total girl crush on their one female performer, we affectionately call her "Hot Tara":

She is the woman's ultimate best friend. Hot, talented, strong, smart, and spunky. She performs only once a month, I suggest that you try to see her when you can. She seemed to truly love the attention that we (especially Erica and I) gave her.

The tavernacle is a dueling piano bar. Once in a while they get into song tug of wars, and when Tara is there, it's Woman VS. Man. Right off the bat, they started dueling "I Will Survive" (for women) and "Baby Got Back" (for men). Whoever had more money, won. Next to us were women who forked over $100 over for "I Will Survive". But they didn't have a table. After some of our friends left (There were 12 of us! 12? Does that mean I wasn't alone like a sore thumb?)

These women were so grateful (not to mention cute and fun), that they bought all of us two rounds of Jaeger shots. At this point, I switched over from liquor to beer, to keep my buzz but not get drunk. But who can say no to free drinks? It would be impolite. We all got a tad bit wasted.

At any rate, we all had an amazing time. If you're looking for something fun to do in Salt Lake City, I can't recommend this place enough. However, be sure to reserve your table a week in advance, or you'll be standing on the sides.

Here is a blurry, tad bit wasted picture of me:

Who is that next to me? hmmmmm..... it gets curiouser and curiouser.......

Friday, March 28, 2008


I swear, they must be adding new steps to the stairwells at work. I'm going to start counting them so that I may catch the evil deed!

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

I love the Spring time. I adore the Spring time. I love how nature makes itself new, everything re-born. I love shedding my heavy winter coat for a light jacket, if anything at all. I love the scents of spring. I love the sights. The smells. I love the season of spring!!

Once the weather started getting warmer, something inside of me snapped. I can't explain it, but it's a snap unlike anything I've experienced before. I strive to be more healthy. For some reason, making commitments is easier for me at the change of the season, instead of the dead of winter (like the New Year). I have not gained obscene amounts of weight or had a bad checkup with my doctor, I just decided that it's time to whip myself in shape.

I haven't done anything drastic, so far. I started small... like going on an "elevator strike" at work. I only take the stairs now. I park in the farthest spot from the front door of my building at work. I eliminated soda, and drink a minimum of 64 ounces a day. When the weather is good, I have my girls walk a mile down the road to a horse ranch, and back. When I don't have the girls, I jog or walk fast through some nearby neighborhoods. I avoid foods with high fats and sugars (but don't deprive myself). Lately I started alternating my arm and leg strength training at the gym in my work building, 5 days a week.

Like I said, nothing drastic, but I've got to start somewhere. And I feel really, really good about these changes. The changes also affect my over-all attitude. I'm more upbeat and happy than I've been in ages. It seems that my 33rd year, as well as 2008, are leaps and bounds better than the year prior.

As I was walking out of work yesterday, sans coat, I realized how lucky I am. I have an amazing, supportive, and non-judgemental family. I have the most fantastic, fun, exciting, and sincere friends. I have a job I don't hate and co-workers that I really like. I have the most adorable, sweet, funny, and intelligent daughters in the world. I'm rich!!

Life is good. And tomorrow morning when I'm in severe pain walking up three flights of stairs with very sore thighs (thanks to my work-out today) I will smile.

Expect weekly updates on my drive to being healthy.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

I'm only happy when I complain

When assessing Blogspot's publications, one need not resort to vicious name-calling or opprobrious epithets. One need only present the facts. What follows is the story of how Blogspot can be so rich in the rhetoric of democracy and yet so poor in its implementation. Blogspot wants nothing less than to use psychological tools to trick us into doing whatever jaded, scornful rapscallions require of us. Its advocates then wonder, "What's wrong with that?" Well, there's not much to be done with baleful lummoxes who can't figure out what's wrong with that, but the rest of us can plainly see that Blogspot's politics are irresponsible. They're unnecessary. They're counterproductive. Whenever I encounter them I think that you should be sure to let me know your ideas about how to deal with Blogspot. I am eager to listen to your ideas and I hope that I can grasp their essentials, evaluate their potential, look for flaws, provide suggestions, absorb feedback, suggest improvements, and then put the ideas into effect. Only then can we direct our efforts toward clearly defined goals and measure progress toward those goals as frequently and as objectively as possible.

Blogspot is absolutely determined to believe that its cock-and-bull stories provide a liberating insight into life, the universe, and everything, and it's not about to let facts or reason get in its way. Blogspot is capable of a large array of negative feelings. Ask anyone. I am being entirely serious when I say that it would be great if we could study the problem and recommend corrective action. Still, if we take a step, just a step, towards addressing the issue of alcoholism, then maybe we can open people's eyes (including our own) to a vision of how to reinvigorate our collective commitment to building and maintaining a sensitive, tolerant, and humane community.

Blogspot has hatched all sorts of harebrained plans. Remember its attempt to tinker about with a lot of halfway prescriptions? No? That's because Blogspot's so good at concealing its nefarious activities. Because Blogspot is so caught up in trying to tell us how to live, what to say, what to think, what to know, and -- most importantly -- what not to know, I'd like to conclude this letter by quoting to it the last line of R. M. Rilke's poem, "Archaic Torso of Apollo": "You must change your life."

Sunday, March 16, 2008

I have OCD when it comes to analytics

Does this sign mean "No Valid ID OR expired ID, no exceptions" ? Or does it mean 'No Valid ID / or no entry if you have an expired ID, no exceptions" ?

I dunno.

And while I'm thinking of this sign, how hard would it be to print a new sign, with "expired" actually spelled correct? I guess they took the effort to burn the edges and make it look cool, so why bother making it right when most of their patrons won't notice how dumbass it looks?

Much to the chagrin of some, and much to the delight of others in my crowd, we didn't make it very far past this sign. One friend forgot their ID. Probably a good thing, considering prior to seeing this sign, we were frisked for weapons.

Good times, good times! :)

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Examining Past Relationships Part VI

Writing about this stuff seems too soon, the wounds aren't completely healed, and I happen to know that the people I will write about, check my blog from time to time.

My disclaimer: I am only exploring myself here. While I've done my own analyzations on these men and their behaviors, I am not a psychiatrist, nor do I play one on TV. heh. I will not mention anyone by name. This is no way an attempt to be harsh on these men, because I fully believe that their side of the story is as valid as mine. I may explain certain situations, conversations, etc., but it'll only be in paraphrase, and only to hold a mirror up to myself.

My attraction to #1 was instanateous, not expected, not looked for. We met, and the chemistry was undeniable. Not only was there instant chemistry, but there was instant comfort. Being with him... whether it was in the same room, at a restaurant, in the car, sitting next to him on the couch, just felt good. We could, and did, talk about everything. We each put in a lot of effort to see each other as often as possible, but then each of our lives took on some drama. Plus it was so soon after my split from Jer, that #1 decided to cool it for awhile. I was crushed. I was confused. Things were going so well, then it was like the emergency brakes were pulled. The original idea was that we would not talk for a couple of months, get our shit together, then reconvene and decide if we should explore even a relationship. I wasn't going to hold out any hope for this, and immediately put myself up on a popular dating website, to see what other options I had.

I have to say-- dating post mormonism is so much more fun. The pool of men is much larger, more interesting.

Imagine my devistation when after signing up for the website, and clicking on the link to see who my most compatible person was, was #1. #1 was my #1. He had also put himself on this site. And even THEY were telling us that we were very compatible.

Soon enough, I met a guy on there, and our relationship started pretty much from the get-go. I didn't realize this at the time, but this was my rebound from #1. On paper, he looked exactly like #1. In reality, #2 was nothing like #1. He was fun, spontaneous, easy to talk to, but we had nothing in common other than our past religion, and the fact that we each had 2 kids. We didn't like the same music (He was into the 80's hair bands, and bashed U2 every chance he could. Not cool!). We didn't like the same foods (He only liked to get steak at places like Applebee's or Chili's. When I would suggest something like Thai or Sushi, he scoffed at me. Ridiculed, even.). Then one day I acted sad because he was leaving, would be on business for the next week, and he was eager to leave my place as early as possible. Now call me crazy, I would think it's a good thing that I was sad, it means I wanted to be with him, was hoping for more time. Instead he texted me when he got in his car and demanded to know "What the hell that was all about". We get into a texting match (he refused to talk to me on the phone), about how "controlling" I was. Um, WTF? This was like, a 3 week old relationship. And he's getting on my case for being controlling??? Because I was acting sad??? I have never been told that I was controlling before. I had to discontinue this relationship right away. I had no regrets for ending this, no sadness here. Simply not compatible.

#3. I feel like talking about #3 is like opening a can of worms. #3 was in my life for less than a year, but made a significant impact. #3 is the kind of guy that every girl dreams about. He was attractive, successful, enjoyed spoiling his woman, smart, he liked chick flicks. We met because we like the same british author, Sophie Kinsella. This guy is every girls dream come true. How could this go wrong?

I had a several long paragraphs written up about #3, but none of that matters. Suffice it to say, I was very uncomfortable with the amount of money he wanted to spend on me. I've never had that kind of treatment, not used to it. He wanted a diva, and she was not me. I am too damn independant. Eventually we were able to have a very close friendship, but I felt like we became toxic for each other. Co-dependant, even. I had to completely and totally cut off any relationship/friendship with him. I felt much sadness after, but also relief. I think I made the right call. I have asked him to stop reading my blog (when he does, it gives me false hope that we can be friends again. I miss our conversations about books, politics, food, relationships, confiding our deepest secrets), but I know he still checks in, albeit rarely (I'm smarter than he thinks). If this makes sense - I wish he didn't, but am glad that he does. He is in a healthy relationship now, and I'm truly happy for him, he deserves it. It's a shame we brought out the worst in each other.

After my failed attempt with #3, I wondered what was wrong with me. I contacted #1 for closure (a la High Fidelity). This ended up re-opening our relationship. It was obvious from the get-go that there was still attraction there, from both sides. We did our best to maintain a slow, easy going friendship, but it didn't last for more than a few weeks before we were "involved" again. Everything about him that felt good before, still felt good. Even better. This time, our relationship had no drama, but was light, fun, easy. We were both into each other, and things were going great. Amazing energy, I was on cloud 9, and you couldn't wipe the smile from his face. I was so happy, but never completely settled or relaxed. Things ended so quickly before, I knew it could happen again.

#1 and I had several great months. My daughters became totally attached to him, and I was very fond of his kids. He met my family, I met more of his... it seemed we were combining our lives well. He gave us some of our most magical moments and memories. I know I should be nothing but grateful, but instead, it made me very sad.

Things got stressful in his life, in many areas. I kept making excuses for my feeling pushed away, and eventually, didn't react in the appropriate manner. I recognized this immediately, and apologized profusely. Not sure if he ever really forgave me.

#1 was never able to fully give himself to me. I wanted something more, something deeper. He told me he couldn't give it to me. I had to make the most excruciating decision to put an end to the relationship. I know I deserve more than what he was able to give, and I know I'll find it. I don't think I necessarily thought of him as my future "forever", but the relationship had to end before I wanted it to. I have no doubt that he truly did care for me, as much as he could. Perhaps as much as he allowed himself.

Where am I now?

I'm back in the dating world, and having fun. Not sure if I'll introduce any future boyfriends to my blog or not. Not until I develop a deep relationship, anyway. I really don't like "dating", it's stressful. I look forward to the day when I'm crazy in love with someone, and have my affections returned.

What have I learned in my examination process? I gotta think about that. That will be my final installment of this "series".

Monday, March 03, 2008

Re-Examining Past Relationships version V.I

I decided to expand on my last post:

After dating the perfect TBM RM, and having my heart shattered in a million pieces, I decided to not date any other RM's. Taking our culture into consideration, I didn't want to date someone who I could fall in love with, and have them GET MARRIED to someone else that quickly. I felt like the best thing for me would be to date younger guys, and then send them on their missions. You know how the song by the Foo Fighters goes... "Done, Done, on to the next one".

When I started dating Jer, he was a pre-missionary. But he was so sweet, and he worshipped me. At the time, I needed to be worshipped. We had a lot in common, but neither of us had what the other one wanted in a life-long companion. However, being naughty little mormons, we commited the sin next to murder. We felt guilty, tried to stop, confessed to our bishops, but couldn't stop. After a year of off and on being bad, we decided we should just get married so that it wouldn't be a sin anymore. The caveat was that we had to be married in the temple. We couldn't bring shame to our families. At this point, I was my parents only hope for eternity.

We got engaged, and then made our appointments for full confession. Jer confessed to his bishop, first. His bishop said it was entirely possible for us to be married in the temple, in 6 months. I went to my bishop, who said that I needed to go through a full 12 month repentance process. I freaked out... a whole year?!?! Not only would that be difficult, but I would have to face the questions from our community, as to why our engagement was so long. Mormon engagements are usually around 3 months, the longest is 6 months. If you're engaged for a year, there's gotta be a reason why. Everyone was going to know that I was full of sin.

Then there was the fact, that for the repentance process, I had to be at church EVERY WEEK. And, I couldn't participate in the weekly ritual of taking the sacrament to renew our commitments and covenants to our savior. We're taught to not judge each other based on who does or doesn't take the sacrament, but it's difficult not to notice those around you who pass the tray by. When you pass it by, you know that you're being noticed. Especially when you have to do this for months. Basically, I had to put myself out there for all to see, and all to know, that I was not worthy.

I did this for 6 months. I went to church, paid 10% of my gross income, and passed the sacrament trays to the person next to me. Sometimes it was very awkward because I would have to stand up and walk the tray down the row, in front of everyone. After the 6 months, my bishop allowed me to take the sacrament again, as well as have a calling in the relief society. I thought I was special and "renewed" at this point, but I still didn't feel any different. And, I was still unworthy of the temple.

We honestly, and truthfully, repented. There was one under the shirt slip up during the 12 months, but other than that, I was able to turn the sexual attraction off, in my mind. I had to battle the many questions that came my way, as to why the engagement was taking so long, what were my plans, why I was dragging my feet, etc. I did my best to brush off the questions and tell them that we were just taking our time and enjoying being engaged, but I knew that they knew. At least they suspected.

We were married in the temple, after the 12 month waiting period. The whole event was surreal. We did our own endowments a week before the wedding, and his grandmother invited everyone to breakfast after, with the exception of my parents and me. I couldn't get married in my wedding dress, because it was off-white and too low cut. I didn't try it on with garments because I didn't have them yet, so I didn't know how much needed to be covered. It wasn't a slutty dress or anything, but the garment lace kept sticking out.

Our wedding night.... wasn't what we had hoped for. I wasn't able to go from "Sex is bad, sex is fun, sex is terrible, stop thinking about it, stop being turned on", to "sex is okay again". I know I disappointed Jer, terribly so, because he had no problem picking the energy back up. I just couldn't do it. And thus set the tone for our 9 years of marriage.

I want to make it clear that Jer did absolutely nothing wrong. In one of my bishops interviews, he explained to me why sex is such a sin before marriage. He basically said that it shows that we don't trust the lord to pair us up with a parter that we are sexually compatible with. Knowing our sexual compatibility before marriage is unnecessary. Not important.

I call bullshit on that.

Jer and I didn't split entirely because of sexual incompatibility, there were several reasons. However, we simply never should have been married in the first place. We got married far too young (He was 19 when he proposed to me), and for the wrong reasons. Plus we had the mormon mind fuck to deal with, which I was never able to un block from my brain.

We are great friends, terrific co-parents. We consider ourselves lucky to have each other.

I will have another installment talking about my reslationships post-marriage, but I don't want the individuals who read my blog to panic. Our intimacies are between us. I am doing this examination to explore myself, my nature and tendancies, my reactions... not to expose those that I was lucky enough to spend close time with. I will be respectful and focus the study on ME. Afterall, that's what this blog is about! :)