Thursday, January 31, 2008
A couple of things happened last sunday that made me re-visit my former, mormon life.
First of all, my best friend from my most mormon days, found me on facebook. Her dad is a very well known, high ranking, church official. I won't talk trash about this family, because if you look at the real definition of what it means to be Christlike, this family had it. These people were genuinely GOOD with the best of intentions. Perfect? No. But they did make sincere efforts. During my friendship with them (which lasted many years), I was what some may call an EXTREME mormon. I read my scriptures daily. I never watched R rated movies, and was selective on my PG-13's. At the same time, I became critical of those around me not living the same standards, and harshly judged members of my own family. This wasn't intentional, it just was the way it was. I was able to live this principle, why couldn't everyone else?
My facebook photo shows me in my playboy bunny outfit. I list my relgion as "agnostic". Surlely, she knows that something is up. I'm not sure how to answer her question of what's new in my world. I've not had contact with her since long before I left the church. I think she'll be okay with my beliefs. I don't think that she'll bear her testimony to me.
But it's all so weird. It reminds me of trying to be so perfect for the approval of her and her family. I truly loved her family. Being friends with one of them meant being friends with all of them.
Second, the death of President Hinckley. The man was 97, so it wasn't a shock. He was not perfect. If he was by mormon beliefs, he would have been translated. He had a sweet demeanor, and was a cute old man. However, I know he had some skeletons in his closet. (Mark Hoffman, white salamander, etc.) I don't begrudge those who mourn his death. However I'm still annoyed that the flag in front of my building at work is lowered to half staff in his honor. And also annoyed that Barack Obama cancelled a campain trip to Utah "Out of Respect".
I never really fit the mold. I've been thinking of things that I said and did during my prime belief period. I recall sitting in meetings as the first counselor of the Young Women's presidency. I dreaded that call and didn't want it, but being the dutiful member, accepted the "calling". There was a discussion over whether an 11 year old girl, whose birthday was less than a month after the annual girls camp, would be allowed to attend. The president pulled out her rules handbook, and said that technically, she should not be allowed. I had to speak up and practically beg that they go by the spirit of the law, not the letter. And why alienate her? Why tell her she's not good enough now, when her peer group is?
I didn't get it.
There were other things that I never understood. Gays in the military. Gays adopting children, or getting married. A cup of coffee, or glass of wine in the evening. In my most believing days, these things didn't mae sense.
My last calling in the church was in the primary presidency. I love the small children, and wanted to serve them the best that I could. At the same time, I hated the last presidency meeting I had. We were planning the upcoming summer activity, and it was all about different stations of "Dressing modestly" and "Loving the Scriptures", "Respecting our Prophets". For PRIMARY kids? (Ages 3-12). This was supposed to be our FUN summer activity? I couldn't be part of that. I couldn't put my sweet 4 year olds, in the midst of that.
I left the church soon after this planning meeting, where I clearly had no say in the happenings. I wasn't a handbook type of person, and absolutely hated these meetings.
Sometimes I miss having an easy spiritual pick me up when I need it. I miss having rules set before me. I miss knowing everything. But, I appreciate my life, and things that I love, so much more than I ever did.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind all this music
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart
And suppose I never met you
Suppose we never fell in love
Suppose I never ever let you kiss me so sweet and so soft
Suppose I never ever saw you
Suppose we never ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall
Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Break my fall
Break my fall
All my friends say that of course its gonna get better
Gonna get better
Better better better better
Better better better
I never love nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting by heart truly
I got lost
In the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind
All this music
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart
Breaks my heart
Regina Spektor - Fidelity
I recently broke up with the guy that I've been seeing off and on for the past year. I won't get into the details as to how or why, because his point of view is just as valid as mine, and it wouldn't be fair. However, my heart is a broken mess. I know I'll move on and heal with time, but this relationship was rare and unique. Connections like we had are not a dime a dozen. In the reflection, I see some red flags that I should have paid more attention to, but was willing to overlook them. For the most part I'm doing fine, but I have my very sad moments.
That being said, I'm single now. Raaawwwr ;-)
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Fast forward to recent times.
I found out a few weeks ago that U2 has a new 3D concert movie permiering at THE SUNDANCE FILM FESTIVAL!!!! Just a half hour away from where I live. I really wanted to go, but damn, tickets to these things sell out fast! Especially a U2 thing? No way in HELL am I going to get to go!
So, I talked to a friend of mine with connections. He basically said that the chances are slim. I'll have to call around to the box office and see if I can get tickets, or go stand in the wait list line. But still, he'd check his sources and see if he could find anything out.
A week later, he came up empty. The showing was two weeks away, so I wasn't expecting anything.
He sent me a text message on the 11th, that his source came through, I would have two tickets for the midnight showing. Anyone who knows me, know's that I'm a diehard. Midnight would be no problem!
So who do I take? I wanted to make sure I brought some one who really appreciated the band, and someone who I would have A LOT of fun with! Who else, other than my BFF Shiree?
Some of these pictures are taken with my iPhone, the rest are taken with Shiree's nice camera.
Here we are, FIRST IN LINE:
Shiree and I were so clueless about Sundance, we were total virgins to this ordeal! Thanks to some good advice from co-workers, I knew to drive as if I'm going to Heber City, not Park City, and take the back-road exit. Somehow we managed to find immediate parking, close to the venue!!
We get to the venue thinking that we'll find a way to catch a shuttle to Main Street and walk around. The first show was seating (9:45), and we found out that they'll be lining up for the midnight show soon. They told us we could wait in the heated tent. (HEAT?!?! THANK YOU!!!!) So off to the heated tent we go.
People behind us say "Hey, we have tickets for the midnight show. Can we line up behind you?" We officially, yet un-officiallly start the line for the midnight show. WE'RE #1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Screw Main Street!
The line next to us is for Adreneline pass holders (they go to shows before 10AM and after 10PM. Cost is $400!), and people in the film industry. I started to talk to the guy next to us, who looks like Ryan Seacrest. We have HOURS to wait in line, why not start making friends around us? I asked him where the best place in the theater to sit would be, and he says "As close as the front as you can get, to the left. That's where the podium is. If the band happens to be there(chances are they won't because it's the second screening), You'll be closer to them."
Shiree and I stand there for 3 hours. We're ahead of all of these people:
Finally we get in. We get to wear these totally groovy glasses!
Again, MILF's, right??
The Boys were there!!! (Minus Larry, poor guy got sick)
I paid A LOT Of money to see them in arena's with 20,000 + people. Last night (early this morning) I saw them in an arena with 1400 people. No, they didn't perform live. But they were THERE. In PERSON. And I was 5 feet away from them!!
Shiree was there, too!!
This woman, with this camera, took my picture!!!
After the band left the stage, my whole body was shaking. I couldn't believe that something like this happened for me. I'll have a perma-smile on my face for a long time to come!
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
This un-mentionable show is all the rage, and is in what, it's 7th or 8th season? I've lost track. Here's the deal: I watched the first season of it, from the beginning, and faithfully. I literally cried when Kelly Clarkson won, I was so happy for her (and still post-partum)! I still like Kelly today, btw. In season 2, I really did not "get" the Ruben craze, and was all for Clay Aiken to win. In season 3 I was rooting for Jennifer Hudson, and even though she lost, at least she's more successful than the others. After that, I started caring less and less about this show, to the point where I'll watch the last few episodes just to see what my co-workers are talking about, but that's it.
I will say this: I don't understand why most everyone in the world finds humour and entertainment in people who are not only just making asses out of themselves, but only doing it to get their 15 minutes of fame. Seriously-- these people KNOW that they suck, they just want to get on TV. And for some insane reason, most of the public LOVES it, and craves it! I swear, sooner or later, we'll find sport in the christians fighting tigers in colosseums. As for the people who truly suck but "don't get it"??? What's so great about making fun of them? I think it's mean.
And how many times do we have to hear a certain british grumpy guy say "That is the WORST audition I have EVER heard!!!" ?!?!?
I'm not a rigid woman, I do enjoy humour and making fun of people as much as the next person, but it's gotta have its time and place. Making fun of an ass who is a true ass but not necessarily trying to be??? (think George Bush, Britney Spears) FUNNY!! But making fun of someone who is an ass and is trying to be (think Jackass), NOT funny. You're just giving into their lame, unintelligent whims.
I love funny people, I love commedians, I love ammateur singers, I love talent. I just dont love that show. Let me know when we're into the final 12, I'll start watching it then.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
I think the american people are tired of the Republican agenda anyway, so regardless of who the final candidate is from that side, they're not going to win. In my opinion, it will come down to Hillary or Obama.
Wouldn't it be just awesome if Hillary won, and then we would have Bush, Clinton, Bush, Clinton in the White House? Who knows, if she's in office for 8 years, then let' say, Jed Bush runs and he's in for the 8 years following, by then, Chelsea will be ready to take over!
However, if Obama wins, can you just see the headlines? Powerhouse Showdown: OBAMA VS. OSAMA
Or, "Obama bomb's Osama". I think that would make some pretty cool headlines.
Yeah, that's my take on things. It's really rather frightening that I was a Poli Sci major. Really though, I just want Hillary to win!
Thursday, January 10, 2008
I think about him while I work.
I tell everyone who will listen about his amazing qualities.
I count down the hours until I get to see him, spend more time with him.
He's witty, and intelligent.
He's thrilling. Always manages to surprise me!
He's a family man.
My brother has recommended that I hook up with him for so long, and I finally did!
Who is he?
Why, he's Dexter:
I know, right?
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date with Dexter!
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
It's almost my BFF Shiree's birthday, so what better way to celebrate than pedi's and lunch? (Mine are on the left, hers on the right. Twinners, except for the color.) This was an entierely selfish gesture on my part. I needed some one-on-one girly time with my BFF. Here's an example of why I must keep her in my life forever:
We go to lunch, and she remembers to tell me about a dream of hers. (I'll post it for Randy's analysis, as soon as he comes around for my crazy dreams!). We start laughing SO.DAMN.HARD. that the water waiter sees us crying in hysteric fits and says "this must be the party table!"
It's always a good time with Shiree. An afternoon with her reminds me of how great life is.
Love you, girl!!
Monday, January 07, 2008
I took a pill that was prescribed to me for sleeping, last night. I don't take them every night, but needed one last night. Usually when I take these pills, I have very strange dreams. Last night was no exception.
My dream was set in the present day. Jer and I were still going to church, and putting up a facade of still being married. We looked exactly how we do now (we both look significantly less mormon than we did back then), and we were assigned to speak in sacrament meeting. For some reason, hymns played a big part of the dream. In the real world, 3 hymns are sung in sacrament meeting. In my dream, there were 6 (two in a row, each time).
Jeremy spoke first, and I don't remember what he spoke about. Then it was my turn, and my assigned topic was Redemption. The first part of my talk was a bunch of jibber jabber, probably stuff I copied directly from the ensign or a GA talk or something. Then I incorporated lines of a hymn into my talk, and in my dream, it was #286. I have no idea what that is in real life. But in my dream, it was one of those hymns with many, many lines, that was never sung in sacrament meeting, and nobody knew it. There were so many lines to it, that the words started wrapping around the empty spaces of the page. I was trying to read those, couldn't quite see the words, and when I could, I couldn't pronounce the words, they were too big. I felt stupid. I laughed at myself, looked at the congregation, and no one else found humour in my idiocy. So I closed the talk by saying "My topic is redemption. I think redemption is a very personal thing, and each person needs to look into themselves and figure out what they need to do to make everything right for themselves." Immediately followed by the standard closing, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
The people looked shocked. I looked over to Jeremy to see his reaction, but he wasn't there. I went out into the foyer, and a girl that I worked with many years ago, said "Hey Christy, Jeremy wanted me to tell you that he can't use his phone right now, but he got a ride home with my friend, and she took him back to her place that is downtown SLC, and he's just going to spend the rest of the day and night there."
I was surprisingly upset by this. I expected that he would go home with the girls and me, we'd have dinner together, and he'd go back to his place. So I tried to call him on his cell phone, and there was a message saying "The person you are trying to call has used their alloted time for this month. Please try back again next month." Then the girl he went home with called me, just to make sure I got the message of where he was. I asked to speak to him. I said "Are you really spending the entire day and night at the house of this girl you just met?" and he responded "Yeah, why shouldn't I? We're not married anymore."
That's all I can remember. I specifically want Randy's analysis, but I'm open to analysis from everyone else! Randy- this may or may not help you. I watched episodes 4&5 of Dexter yesterday.
Preparing a talk for sacrament meeting is equally excruciating, whether I'm asleep or awake.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
I originally posted this last summer, but chickened out. Now I realize how much I've grown since Part IV occured. Time heals all wounds, or time wounds all heals, whatev! ;-)
If you're interested in the part before this, here it is.
I ended Part III by saying "The summer between high school and year one of college brought a lot of new things for me." Continuing....
After my senior year, I was emailing back and forth with a boy I met on Prodigy. Actually, I can't believe I don't remember exactly how we met on Prodigy, but we did. We emailed, talked on the phone... his name was Avery. He asked me to go to his house to visit him, and so I did. I wasn't disappointed. He had blue eyes and black hair, his mom was Chinese, so he got his black hair from her, and his father was a blonde hair blue eyed man, so he got blue eyes from him. He was very cute. We played on his piano for a bit, then went upstairs to his room, where he played his saxaphone for me. Then he put it away, and almost without warning, put me on my back on top of his bed, and stuck his tongue on my mouth. This was my first major makeout, although I had kissed a couple of other guys before. Then he put his hand up my shirt, which I grabbed and pulled back out. Then he rolled over to his back with me on top of him, and undid by bra. Again, I pulled his hands out, and re-fastened. We went to see a movie, then back to his house and made out a bit more. I went home that night in a haze, and spoked to him on the phone just one time after that. I didn't miss him, love him, or even deeply like him. But he gave me my first semi-sexual experience.
Next relationship was Kenneth Whipple. He was a high school friend, and we always had fun together and flirted often. We dated most of the summer, then drifted apart sometime in September. That relationship is so weird to me. I was totally into him, but his friends were always his first priority. He stood me up multiple times, yet I kept taking him back. He was able to sweet talk his way through everything, and made me feel very gullible and vulnerable. The way he broke up with me was by just not calling me or stopping by anymore. I was too timid to find out what was going on. It hurt for a week or so, until I met James.
James Mitchell. What follows next is a long story, grab a sandwich.
James was perfect, or so I thought. He was a recently returned missionary, and the older brother of my best friends boyfriend. I'd go over to their house with her, but never thought much about him because I only had eyes for Kenneth at that point. My friend Alison, whom I had known since pre-K, had a massive crush on him so we did what we couild to get her around him as often as possible. In that process, he fell for me. Our moms taught at the same school and were close friends, his brother dated my best friend, it seemed as though we were meant to be, even though he had to persue me for awhile to realize it. He would do sneaky things like drive everyone around to gatherings, dropping me off last. He would volunteer to bring things to my mom, from his mom. He took me to the Howard Jones concert on October 30th 1993 (YES I remember the exact day), and kissed me that night.
At this point it was official, James had swept me off my feet. This seemed to be a match made in heaven, and our moms were all for it. I talked to my friend Alison to make sure she was okay with my dating him, and off we went. We went skiing almsot every weekend, would prepare our primary lessons for church the next day, and spent the rest of the evenings making out and dry humping. I was totally smitten. He gave me a beautiful gold watch for christmas, and I made him a quilt. On New Years Eve, he told me his resolution was to not go a single day without telling me he loved me. He would leave me love notes on my car (this was before text messages existed, or emails were easily accessible), that I would find after school. I lost myself in him. I lost my identity, who I was. I no longer considered what I wanted in my life, I thought about him and what he wanted and tried to accomodate that. I became insecure and clingy. My very happiness was determined on whether or not he made the effort to call me that day.
One day, towards the end of January, he says to me "I met a girl today named Sharon Brinkerhoff (fake name). She says she knew you in High School." "Wow!" I say. "Sharon is great! She was the student body president and we were very close! How is she doing?" then it hit me. They were perfect for each other. He was going to fall in love with her, I just knew it. But, she was too much the popular type for him, not the average girl next door, like me. He may like her, but she won't like him... at least that's what got me to sleep at night. After that, I noticed him drifting away, emotionally. Things about our relationhip that used to be important to him were no longer. Phone calls and dates became less frequent. Love notes on my car? Did that really happen or did I imagine it? (It happened... just didn't seem like a possibility anymore.) I started feeling desperate, and would tell him things that I thought he wanted to hear, not what was really going on inside my head and my heart. Anything to keep him around.
A friend of mine asked us to be part of a singing group for his mission farewell. We'd go to practices together, and that was about the only time I saw him during february. I had high hopes that something would happen on valentines day, but all he did was bring me some cookies that his mom had made, and not until about 9:30 that night. I was crushed. At the end of February, we had our big sacrament meeting performance. We sat on the stand next to each other, and he had his hand on my leg the entire time. I couldn't help but notice that Shara was in the audience, and didn't stop smiling or taking her eyes off of James the entire time. After the meeting was over, he drove me back to my place, and I asked him to come in and talk to me. We sat in my dads office for about two hours, and had a very painful conversation. He made himself out to be a martyr, saying "I'm going to let you go" and shit like that. He told me that right after he met Sharon, she told him that she prayed about him, and was told that he was the person she needed to marry. He fell for that. She was spiritual and received revelations, and with me, he'd go home feeling sexually frustrated that we couldn't do more than dry hump, and even that was pushing the boundaries. I was too much of a wild temptation for him. We would joke about running to vegas and being married by Elvis ("Let's go see Elvis", we'd say when being very turned on but obedient to most chastity laws), where Sharon blasted him for joking about that because he was making a mockery out of marriage. She kept him on his toes, and I was too predictable. I asked him if he loved Sharon, and just thinking about his response, and the tone of his voice, still bothers me. "It's hard not to." Ouch.
What followed after that was a little drama, which included Sharon finding out how hurt I was and running up to my house with some bogus apology about how our friendship is more important to her than James, blah blah blah. I told her I couldn't/wouldn't stop her from dating him. She said she didn't realize that things were so serious with him and me (eyes rolling). The sad thing is, I believed her. I wanted to believe her. I thought she was on my side. Now, I realize that she always had a stigma about her, always wanting to be the good guy, or the heroine. I wrote James a letter telling him exactly how I felt about what happened, then had him come over to my house so I could read it to him. He told me it was very well written, I had writing talent. He also said that as much as he wants to be that guy who woos me and brings me flowers, he just can't be.
James and Sharon were engaged by that summer, married in September. It was painful to run into common friends, people who didn't realize that James and I had a history, who would said "Did you hear that Sharon is engaged? Her fiance is such a great guy, she's so lucky!". She lived on a main road that I had to take to get to the freeway, and some mornings I'd see them jogging together. Yeah, that really sucked.
A week before they got married, I was sitting in my living room reading a book, when the doorbell rang. It was James.
"Hey, my mom needed me to give this paperwork to your mom, is she here?"
"No, she's at a church meeting right now, but I'll make sure she gets it"
"Great, thanks! How are you doing?"
"I'm fine," I said "I'm just getting ready to go back to school. I changed my major to pre-law. I hear you're getting married next week."
"Yes, I am. Being engaged sucks, I don't recommend it!"
"Okay, well I'll let my mom know you stopped by" I said, making my way to the front door and opening it for him.
"Okay, thanks again! Don't be a stranger!" he said.
"Right!" I retorted, full of sarcasm, and shut the door while he was still looking at me.
That's the last time I spoke to him, face to face. I saw the newlyweds at a restaurant a few months after they were married, but they didn't see me. Soon after, they moved to the St. George area. I get rare updates from my mom, who talks to his mom about once a year. James and Sharon are still married, have 3 or 4 kids. He's going blind, and from what I understand, it's not reversible. I actually felt sad for him when I heard that, I wouldn't wish such a thing on my worst enemy. He'll never get to see his daughter in her prom dress.
And yes, I also considered the fact that it's slightly disappointing thought to realize that when we inevitably meet again (around town, some function for our mothers, or a future high school reunion), he won't be able to see just how hot I am now, and what he missed out on. teehee! Yes, I do have a selfish bitch streak.
More to come.
Thursday, January 03, 2008
As mentioned previously, my mom got an iPhone for Christmas. She knows that texting me is probably the easiest way to get ahold of me, so she's been learning how it works (if you don't know, iPhone texting is probably the COOLEST and easiest of all phone texting options). Here are some gems from mom:
Cindy. Coming.saturday. Not. Friday. R u ok? U come on Friday 2. And bring kids ?? if not. C u sat. 4 sure! Love. Mom
(Cindy is my sister who came to town. So I responded asking if they will be getting in late on Saturday)
Yes. Well late tonite. you can. any time. Saturday. We. Will expect. You
Why. Does. My yputube. Keep showing an an error.
Would it be horribly rude of me to text her all the time just to see how she responds next? It makes me wonder what my daughters will have to teach me about when I am old, while they laugh on the side.
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Happy New Year!
I feel like what Ihave to say is so un-importantat and cliche, why bother? Then again, most of my stuff is.
My oldest sisters family has been in town this weekend, which I love. She and I have 13 years between us, but have always been very close. Her kids were my "babies" until I had my own. Her daughter, who is 14, is a soulmate of mine. Sounds weird, I know, but we've had an intense connection ever since the day I met her, when she was 6 months old. We have eerie similiarities. She is growing up to be a beautiful girl on the inside and out, I'm so proud to call her my niece! I see them once a year if I'm lucky, twice a year if I'm blessed, but sometimes only every couple of years. Their visit has been the bright spot of my holiday season!
With the new year in front of me, I hear and read the resolutions of others. I don't make my own resolutions... why bother? If something is good for me on January 1st, then it's equally as good for me on December 29th, knowwhatImean? On this day I reflect on the year that's behind me, and wow, what a roller coaster I've been on. I hope that 2008 will bring me more stability. For a long time I've been working on the efforts to forgive myself and others. The objective is to let go of grudges and not take the actions of others personally.
My friend "Patsy" sent me a text message a couple of days ago, letting me know that one of our college roommates just died from oral cancer. I wasn't close to this particular roommate, we never kept in touch after going our separate ways, but I'm still shocked and saddened that a young life, with so much to live for, was taken too soon. Fuck cancer. I'm sure you recall- Patsy is my dear friend who recently lost her most amazing husband to metastatic melanoma.
One last update-- I made the decision to go back on my antidepressants. I thought I was doing fine. I completed a long and slow weaning process, and found out that I'm truly not fine. I was not satisfied with my reactions to many, many things, not one thing in particular. I'm not ashamed that I need the medication; rather, I'm thrilled that they're there for me. I'm also very proud of myself for knowing myself well enough to know when I'm irrational for a long period of time, and taking the steps to remedy that. Tooting my own horn here, I know: I think it's quite brave of me to acknowledge this and do something about it. I contribute that to years and years of conditioning.
I raise a glass to 2008! May it bring happiness, hope and health, to you and those you love dearly.