My Christmas List of Things that Must Go

I say this not to offend, but to help you!!

• Wreaths on the fronts of cars
• Holiday gift baskets from vendors (I love being spoiled by them, don't get me wrong! But a team can only handle so many chocolates, breads, popcorn, caramel corn, nuts, crackers, and yogurt covered pretzels.)
• Christmas letters full of sappy religion and no family updates
• Being lonely
• Overkill of snow
• Gift expecting
• Working during the few days leading up to and following Christmas
• Mean People
• Office potlucks

I really don't want to be completely negative, so here is my list of things about Christmas that must stay:

• Tasteful Wreaths on front doors or windows (I say tasteful because in my last neighborhood, there was a house with a wreath that was so big, you had to step through it to get to the front door. The word hideous doesn't aptly describe. Made us laugh, at least.)
• Clementines
• Bob's soft peppermint balls
• The spirit of generosity
• Christmas lights
• Christmas cards that include a family photo... even better if they contain updates on what everyone has been up to in the past year (My friends Grant and Teri always have the best Christmas letters!)
• Advent Calendars (especially the ones with the little windows containing chocolate!)
• Using the rest of my PTO for the year
• Haikus
• Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (My daughters think he's so cool!)

I hope that everyone is having a fantastic season!

Christmas Haiku

Tonight Emilie asked me
"Why don't the girl reindeer's fly?"
I had no answer.

If I don't know where it was made, I don't want it!

My department has had 3 lunches this month, scheduled for the holidays. One of them was an end of year "Thank You" (can no longer classify official business meetings as Holiday) held by our department VP. It was a very classy event held at a prestigious restaurant, with great food and service. The second was held the very next day for the entire business unit. Lunch was catered in from a local business, lame gifts were given out, and it was okay. The third was held today, just a department potluck and white elephant gift exchange.

I really don't like potlucks. It's not so much a dislike, but rather, a fear. First of all, you don't know what the kitchens of your co-workers look like. You don't know if they wash their hands at home. You're not sure who as been in the line before you, touching the same utensils and breathing on the food. So many unknowns. Yet if you chose to not participate, the potential is there to be seen as the department scrooge. Such is my dilemma.

I "accidentally" forgot to bring a gift to exchange (not really- I just have no desire to trade my crap for someone elses), and brought a pre-made salad from Costco. I purposely waited for everyone else to go, and got at the end of the line. Then the department slug got in line behind me. This slug is a man that I work with that is the most condescending sexist pig I've ever met. How he is still employed by my very politically correct company, I'll never know. I know of at least 2 occasions that he's been busted for porn viewing in the office. His wife is a BYU professor! When he speaks to me he acts like he's teaching a sunbeam class. And he's huge... probably 6'4" and 300 pounds. And he's in line behind me. Behind me isn't a good way to put it, more like, he got in line ON TOP OF ME. Literally breathing down my back, his stomach touching my arm and waaaaaaaay over invading my personal space. So I got out of line and went back to my desk. I'm not THAT eager to make an appearance.

I wait for everyone to finish, and am the very last in line. No room for me at the big table, I have to sit at the "little kids" table with 2 others.

Doesn't every office have these lame-ass potlucks? Why? Does anyone REALLY like them? I mean, don't most people have the exact same experience I just described?

To end on a happy note, this was my last day of work until 2007. Yipee!!

More fun than should be allowed

I found this a few years ago, and every year I get such a kick out of it... you should too! Holiday Snowglobe

I suck at the blog updating lately! Not that I think anyone is on pins and needles just waiting to find out what happens in my oh-so-boring (yet terribly exciting) life. But if I don't continue to update, you won't continue to come back and read and respond, then what will happen to our sEXMObile created by Gluby?


Last night we went to Jer's family Christmas party. First time I've seen most of his extended family since announcing our exodus more than a year ago. We couldn't go to the party last year because it fell on the same night as the U2 concert, and I have priorities. I was still greeted kindly and hugged by everyone, but I think most of them didn't know what to do with me beyond that. I did my best to not only look great, but be happy the entire time.

Yesterday my daughter Emilie was asking about her nipples, and we got to talking about how all mammals have nipples. Then she said "Does Santa Clause have nipples?" I couldn't contain my laughter at this point- that's an image I've not ever thought of. "Yes Emilie, Santa Clause has nipples too!" After she thought about that for a minute, she said "Well are they really big nipples?"

I tried doing a google image search for a Santa Clause with nipples and couldn't come up with anything. My photoshop abilities do not rock. So here's my request for those of you with the mad photoshop skillz- create an image of Santa Clause with nipples for me? And NOT Mrs. Santa Clause. I want the old jolly fat guy. Pete or Gluby, I'm leaving this in your very capable hands.

I'm sorry Ros, gosh!!

Ros posted a comment in my last post that she's impatiently waiting for my next update. Ros is one of the few people I will let boss me around (rawrrr!) so here's my update on nuthin'...

Christmas is 2 weeks away, and I'm a little freaked out. Still have done only minimal shopping. We took the girls to the mall to see Santa yesterday, and I had to peek my head into Express, just to see what they had to offer, plus I received a $15 off coupon in the mail that I *have* to use before December 24th. I'm not one to pass up anything discounted from Express... so I ended up shopping for me! :) Then the adorable sales girl gave me a $10 off coupon for a future visit before December 24th. You can bet on the fact that I will return for another purchase... those Express marketing reps are pure genious! Of course, I believe their clothes sell themselves.

My post about the Victoria's Secret model generated quite the response, I was highly entertained with each comment! Combine this with the fact that some of my friends have told me that they read my blog, but they NEVER BOTHER TO POST!! So here I am, begging and pleading all of you who are reading this, please say hi?? You can remain anonymous, although I would prefer to know who you are, beggars can't be choosers. You don't need to post anything more than "hi!". I would just like to get a general idea of how many lurkers are out there.

Please?? Pretty please?? I'm not above bribery!

Why does Jesus have to spoil Christmas?

My husbands younger brother found his myspace page where Jer lists himself as an Atheist. Little brother has known that Jer left mormonism for quite some time now, but I guess the thought never crossed his mind that he might become *gasp* an ATHEIST!! How could this be?? The evil horror! So little brother freaks out to mom and dad, who actually done made me proud by quoting the 11th Article of Faith "We claim the privilege of worshipping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, and what they may."

So Jer gets a wild hair up his ass and sends little brother a message just to torment him, something about how atheists eat babies. It turned into a back and forth battle of the wits, in which little brother is poorly equipped. After a few messages, it stopped being fun for Jer. It's pointless to pick on someone in a different league. Little brother was very concerned about our hypocrisy of celebrating Christmas. Whatevah, what the thinks has never bothered me.

Tonight we did what many Atheists do around Christmas time, and went to see Ballet West's Nutracker:



My daughters sat enchanted the entire time, I can't even get them to do that with movies! The performance was spectacular as always, and we had a fantastic time. On the way there, I decided to put on some Christmas music to make me feel more festive. *sigh* Most of the songs they played are songs that I used to love and loved to sing with, then listening to the words, I decided that little brother might be right about having to be christian in order to celebrate Christmas.

I came home to an email from my friend Jeff (known on the DAMU as SL Slacker- known worldwide as a fantastic writer), in which he stated "It seems every time I put on a Christmas CD I'm enjoying the music when all of a sudden it blurts out something like "Oh Praise Jesus - Bow down and be clean from your sins because of the little baby." or something like that."

I couldn't agree more with Jeff, couldn't agree more.

Now I know what to ask Santa for Christmas!

My dreams have come true today. Does anyone remember this post? Well Pete Dunn remembered, and emailed me a link to this today.

Thanks Pete, you're my new best friend!

You must believe me, this really is FUNNY!

"(Let's Have) A Patrick Swayze Christmas"
from Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Listen to the song HERE

Transcribed by Paul Ashley and Lisa Jenkins

[On the satellite:]

JOEL: I think it's kind of, uh, hot to be wearing these scarves in here.
TOM: Oh, yeah.
CROW: Well, scarves are a must. You can't go caroling without a scarf. Catch your death!
JOEL: Man, you were like one of those kids I remember in, uh, high school that used to sell the most candy bars for the marching band.
TOM: Yeah, and you'd be president of the swing choir, too.
CROW: Ha ha! Ah, thanks, Joel Robinson. Thanks, Tom Servo.
TOM: What a kiss-up, this guy.
CROW: Okay, now if you'll all look at your sheet music, uh, we can rehearse my new song.
JOEL: You wrote a Christmas song?
CROW: Hey, there's no tradition like a new tradition! Ha ha ha!
TOM: Um, wait a minute. "Let's Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas?"
CROW: Oh, yeah, yeah. Based on my favorite movie, Roadhouse.
TOM: C'mon, what the heck does PATRICK SWAYZE have to do with CHRISTMAS?!
CROW: Hey, you keep Christmas in your way, and let me keep it in mine, okay?
TOM: Oh, geeez.
JOEL: Hey, c'mon, Tom Servo, it seems like a nice enough sentiment and we can give it a shot. C'mon.
CROW: All right. Okay. Okay. Uh, 12/8 time, uh, key of A-flat major--
TOM: Good.
CROW: Uh, Cambot, shoot 'em the tune. Uh, okay, you'll just have to stay with me, everybody, okay? Uh, your part's written out. "Let's Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas", by Crow T. Robot.
JOEL: "Paul, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas"?
CROW: Right. Hit it, Cambot!
TOM: Oh! Oh, I start. I get it. Hmm.
CROW: I'm sorry.
TOM: Pick it up.

Open up your heart and let the Patrick Swayze Christmas in.

CROW: We'll gather at the Roadhouse with our next of kin.
TOM: Not bad!
JOEL: And Santa can be our regular Saturday night thing.
'BOTS: We'll decorate our barstools and gather round and sing.
TOM: Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year!
CROW: Or we'll tear your throat out and kick you in the ear!
JOEL: Hold it, hold it a sec. Cambot, stop it. Uh, Crow, I don't know if I think this is an appropriate sentiment anymore for Christmas.
CROW: Hey, what? Like a good action sequence don't belong in Christmas?
JOEL: Well, no, it's just that I've never heard of an action sequence in a Christmas carol before.
TOM: Well, yeah!
CROW: Well, then grab hold o' your socks and read on, Joel Robinson!
TOM: Okay, pick it up from measure 20, Cambot. Lovely intro, though. Very tasteful.
CROW: Thank you.
TOM: I like that.

It's my way or the highway, this Christmas at my ba-ha-haar.

CROW: I'll have to smash your kneecaps if you bastards touch my car!
JOEL: I got the word that Santa has been stealing from the till.
'BOTS: I think that that right jolly old elf better make out his will, ohh,
ALL: Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas, one and all.

And this can be the haziest...
This can be the laziest...
This can be the Swayziest
Christmas of them aaallllllllll!"

TOM: La la la laa ha HAAA!
CROW: How long before it becomes a standard?
JOEL: I think you gotta come with me. C'mon.
CROW: Waaaaah!
TOM: We'll be right back. Oooh. Save a leg for me! Heh heh heh.