Examining Past Relationships Part VI

Writing about this stuff seems too soon, the wounds aren't completely healed, and I happen to know that the people I will write about, check my blog from time to time.

My disclaimer: I am only exploring myself here. While I've done my own analyzations on these men and their behaviors, I am not a psychiatrist, nor do I play one on TV. heh. I will not mention anyone by name. This is no way an attempt to be harsh on these men, because I fully believe that their side of the story is as valid as mine. I may explain certain situations, conversations, etc., but it'll only be in paraphrase, and only to hold a mirror up to myself.

My attraction to #1 was instanateous, not expected, not looked for. We met, and the chemistry was undeniable. Not only was there instant chemistry, but there was instant comfort. Being with him... whether it was in the same room, at a restaurant, in the car, sitting next to him on the couch, just felt good. We could, and did, talk about everything. We each put in a lot of effort to see each other as often as possible, but then each of our lives took on some drama. Plus it was so soon after my split from Jer, that #1 decided to cool it for awhile. I was crushed. I was confused. Things were going so well, then it was like the emergency brakes were pulled. The original idea was that we would not talk for a couple of months, get our shit together, then reconvene and decide if we should explore even a relationship. I wasn't going to hold out any hope for this, and immediately put myself up on a popular dating website, to see what other options I had.

I have to say-- dating post mormonism is so much more fun. The pool of men is much larger, more interesting.

Imagine my devistation when after signing up for the website, and clicking on the link to see who my most compatible person was, was #1. #1 was my #1. He had also put himself on this site. And even THEY were telling us that we were very compatible.

Soon enough, I met a guy on there, and our relationship started pretty much from the get-go. I didn't realize this at the time, but this was my rebound from #1. On paper, he looked exactly like #1. In reality, #2 was nothing like #1. He was fun, spontaneous, easy to talk to, but we had nothing in common other than our past religion, and the fact that we each had 2 kids. We didn't like the same music (He was into the 80's hair bands, and bashed U2 every chance he could. Not cool!). We didn't like the same foods (He only liked to get steak at places like Applebee's or Chili's. When I would suggest something like Thai or Sushi, he scoffed at me. Ridiculed, even.). Then one day I acted sad because he was leaving, would be on business for the next week, and he was eager to leave my place as early as possible. Now call me crazy, I would think it's a good thing that I was sad, it means I wanted to be with him, was hoping for more time. Instead he texted me when he got in his car and demanded to know "What the hell that was all about". We get into a texting match (he refused to talk to me on the phone), about how "controlling" I was. Um, WTF? This was like, a 3 week old relationship. And he's getting on my case for being controlling??? Because I was acting sad??? I have never been told that I was controlling before. I had to discontinue this relationship right away. I had no regrets for ending this, no sadness here. Simply not compatible.

#3. I feel like talking about #3 is like opening a can of worms. #3 was in my life for less than a year, but made a significant impact. #3 is the kind of guy that every girl dreams about. He was attractive, successful, enjoyed spoiling his woman, smart, he liked chick flicks. We met because we like the same british author, Sophie Kinsella. This guy is every girls dream come true. How could this go wrong?

I had a several long paragraphs written up about #3, but none of that matters. Suffice it to say, I was very uncomfortable with the amount of money he wanted to spend on me. I've never had that kind of treatment, not used to it. He wanted a diva, and she was not me. I am too damn independant. Eventually we were able to have a very close friendship, but I felt like we became toxic for each other. Co-dependant, even. I had to completely and totally cut off any relationship/friendship with him. I felt much sadness after, but also relief. I think I made the right call. I have asked him to stop reading my blog (when he does, it gives me false hope that we can be friends again. I miss our conversations about books, politics, food, relationships, confiding our deepest secrets), but I know he still checks in, albeit rarely (I'm smarter than he thinks). If this makes sense - I wish he didn't, but am glad that he does. He is in a healthy relationship now, and I'm truly happy for him, he deserves it. It's a shame we brought out the worst in each other.

After my failed attempt with #3, I wondered what was wrong with me. I contacted #1 for closure (a la High Fidelity). This ended up re-opening our relationship. It was obvious from the get-go that there was still attraction there, from both sides. We did our best to maintain a slow, easy going friendship, but it didn't last for more than a few weeks before we were "involved" again. Everything about him that felt good before, still felt good. Even better. This time, our relationship had no drama, but was light, fun, easy. We were both into each other, and things were going great. Amazing energy, I was on cloud 9, and you couldn't wipe the smile from his face. I was so happy, but never completely settled or relaxed. Things ended so quickly before, I knew it could happen again.

#1 and I had several great months. My daughters became totally attached to him, and I was very fond of his kids. He met my family, I met more of his... it seemed we were combining our lives well. He gave us some of our most magical moments and memories. I know I should be nothing but grateful, but instead, it made me very sad.

Things got stressful in his life, in many areas. I kept making excuses for my feeling pushed away, and eventually, didn't react in the appropriate manner. I recognized this immediately, and apologized profusely. Not sure if he ever really forgave me.

#1 was never able to fully give himself to me. I wanted something more, something deeper. He told me he couldn't give it to me. I had to make the most excruciating decision to put an end to the relationship. I know I deserve more than what he was able to give, and I know I'll find it. I don't think I necessarily thought of him as my future "forever", but the relationship had to end before I wanted it to. I have no doubt that he truly did care for me, as much as he could. Perhaps as much as he allowed himself.

Where am I now?

I'm back in the dating world, and having fun. Not sure if I'll introduce any future boyfriends to my blog or not. Not until I develop a deep relationship, anyway. I really don't like "dating", it's stressful. I look forward to the day when I'm crazy in love with someone, and have my affections returned.

What have I learned in my examination process? I gotta think about that. That will be my final installment of this "series".