Missed opportunities

One of my reasons for disaffection was the fact that I never had any spectacular spiritual moments. I had moments that seemed spiritual, but even as a true believer in the church, I could never reconcile the fact that I had a certain blessing was because I was mormon. If that were the case, then I may as well thank god for being white and rich (globally speaking).

I started thinking about this because recently, I found my patriarchal blessing re-read it. It was rather generic, relatively speaking. I got it when I was very young, and to be completely honest, I wanted it more as a way to tell my future than anything. I was 14 at the time and I wanted to know if I was going to get married and have kids and live to see the second coming. I could have cared less what my lineage was... of course it was Elijah, I was white and American! I did what every young girl is supposed to do before her blessing... I prayed, I fasted, I read the scriptures, I wanted this to happen! Then my best friend in my ward wanted it too, so she scheduled her appointment for a week after mine. I remember going to my blessing and really trying hard to feel spiritual and impressed, but perhaps I had built it up in my head a little too much? Looking back, it was anticlitmatic. After my friend had her blessing she called me to talk about it. We were best friends so of course we could reveal all to each other! Her blessing was practically the same as mine, verbatim. At the time I thought... "huh. Either we're very close, or the patriarchal blessing is a crock". I wasn't best friends with this girl much longer after that, so there goes my first theory.

This got me to thinking about other moments that were supposed to be spiritual but weren't. Not in any specific order other than what comes to my brain first:

Frankfurt temple dedication. I remember the date, it was August 30 1987. The day before my first day of 7th grade. My parents were invited to the celestial room for the dedication, so my sister and I went with my bishop and his wife to one of the other viewing rooms. I still don't understand why my parents were invited to the celestial room and my bishop wasn't. My mom was the stake relief society president, but this other dude was the bishop! He's since revealed that he's gay and is out of the church, but still... it doesn't make sense. I was excited for this- my first temple dedication! It was going to be amazing and spiritual and... why is that old man in the back of the room clearing his throat constantly? Why do I have to wave this stupid handkerchief? I feel silly! This isn't spiritual! What's wrong with me?

Baptisms for the dead. I had heard urband ledgends of people who did baptisms and had visions of those they were doing work for. Never happened for me. Could it be because I was always more interested in where we were going for dinner afterwards or what boys would be in the same car as me on the way home? I dunno, maybe. Still, I felt like there was something wrong with me.

Taking my own endowments out. It wasn't so bad, not terribly freaky or anything. It was weird seeing my friends and family in those weird outfits, acting like everything was normal. Afterwards I had a disagreement with my husband to be and didn't speak to him for several hours. My dad told me about the blood atonments on the way home. (my dad was a non believer all this time... he was trying to give me hints that I didn't catch on to) It was all just "okay". Nothing groudbreaking or spiritual like I had hoped.

Being sealed in the temple. I haven't a clue what was said. I barely remember who was there. I couldn't wear my own dress because it was too low-cut and not completely white. My husbands cousin invited her friend who was doing a session with her at the temple earlier that morning, I think it was a mission companion or something. That pissed me off.

I did have one moment that was spiritual, and that's it. After being home from the hospital with newborn twins for about 4 hours, my reality set in. I cried. And I cried and I cried. For about 36 hours straight, I cried. I finally told my husband to call around and see who could give me a blessing. It was the day after thanksgiving so I suppose we were lucky to get anyone at all, but we ended up with our bishop and good friend from down the street. Not too shabby. We each had blessings, and talked to them for a bit. After they left, we both felt like a huge burden was lifted. When we were figuring out how we felt about the church, this was the one thing that kept us thinking that maybe we should stay. Then I got to thinking, how stupid is that! Yes we felt something that night, but why would god lift my burden just because I knew to ask for a blessing? If there is a god, then no matter what their faith or how they've been taught to believe, he's going to help them out when they need it. That, and I think it helped us to talk to other people who had been through the new parenting process. That, and the next day my sister brought over some of her leftover prozac which held me over until I could get my own prescription.

I have had some moments where I felt enlightenment and spirituality where it wasn't expected. They are:

My first U2 concert. And the 2 other U2 concerts I went to that year were on par.
Walking in Murren, Switzerland. Wry Catcher knows exactly what I'm talking about here!
Finding meaning in an episode of scrubs. This happens whenever it airs.
Overcoming paralyzing fears. I've come a long way, baby!
Re-connecting with close friends that I haven't spoken to in far too long. There's something about a genuine connection to your past.
Finding out that I had more in common with my siblings than I thought. And realizing that I like them, apart from loving them because I have to.

Just to name a few.