Warning: The following writing is self indulgent. Hell, who am I kidding? This entire blog is self indulgent, that's why I started it.
How do you like my title? I need to give nods to my super fantastic friend Meg Slate, she pointed me in the direction of a title generator. I shall never have boring titles again!
I'm going to blog about the therapy appointment I had today. I feel so very fortunate with this therapist that I found, and hope that in sharing some of what I'm learning, I can help other people.
Today, my therapist told me to follow my energy. Since leaving mormonism, I no longer have any kind of spiritual guidance. In place of that, I have become too needy and dependant on other people. I have, in a sense, made other people to be my "gods", and have given them my core. It's either created a great imbalance for me, or else I've stagnated. Regardless, I need to work on centering my core within myself.
I am an extrovert. Any of you who know me in real life can say "duh!" to that. I get my energy by being around other people. I feel most alive when I come to work first thing in the morning and cheefully say "Good Morning!" to my co-workers. When I'm alone, I don't know what to do with myself. I don't really like who I am. I feel lazy and boring. I can look back on my life and count on one hand how many times I have truly enjoyed an evening to myself. So, I need to work on that. I need to love myself, and be at peace with me. Not to the point where I shy away and become reclusive, but I need to accept myself for who I am.
I discovered that I feel like a fraud. I feel like people get to know me and are attracted to my outgoing, positive, confident, friendly nature, but I'm afraid the novelty of that will wear off and people will see that I really am insecure and unaware. This causes me to shy away and possibly damage potential relationships and friendships. Granted, I do believe that I am authentic, I don't think that I intentionally put on a facade for people, I just fear that they think I am. If that makes any sense at all!
She gave me two sheets of prompts for writing assignments, as I wrote about here, and I love that. Blogging is fun and theraputic and all, but these are meant to be intensely private, provoking questions. If anyone would like some of these I'd be happy to share, but I'd rather do that in email, or a more private setting.
Her next assignment for me is to give myself 10 minutes every day, where I sit alone where I won't be interrupted. Also, set a timer so that I don't have to think about the time while I'm there, but I won't lose track of it, either. She said that for 10 minutes, I am to just sit and let my feelings bottom out. Just let myself think or feel however it is that I'm feeling at that moment... don't try to supress anything. Whether it's sadness, anger, happiness, frustration, anxiety, etc. This sounds very interesting, and I look forward to seeing how this helps me.
I don't have another appointment with her until the 30th... ugh, that seems like such a long time!
Thanks for reading. Sorry that the contents of this post weren't as orgasmic as my title! :)
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
Good luck in finding your core within yourself. You've depended on the approval of others for too long and you owe it to yourself to be happy regardless of what others think.
Feeling and thinking without suppression sounds like it could be scary, depending on how you're feeling at the time.
I'm also an extrovert, so I know what you mean about getting energy from others. One of the interesting things about getting older (there has to be something good, goddammit) is that my extrovert-ness has backed off a bit. I now really enjoy being alone and having some time to myself. Yet I still like being around other people as well. I really like the balance this has brought.
Sitting with your thoughts and feelings is a good thing, and probably you should be prepared for a little anxiety (or a lot...) to come up in the process. Or maybe that's just me LOL. Anxiety is just something that tries to block you from getting to the stuff underneath it, but once you make a habit of pushing through it, it tends to diminish. Again, maybe just me. Glad the therapist is such a good one!!
PS - the title generator thing is cracking me up.
Way to go on the self-reflexivity. I have yet to go back for a second therapist visit (their system is slow).
I'm an introvert myself; I find nothing more embarrassing than saying Good Morning to my coworkers! Well, okay, there are more embarrassing things, but it is hard to get myself to open my mouth.
You might not know it from the amount I write online...
Good luck on finding your core. Sounds exciting, but difficult.
But I just don't see a problem with you making me your goddess. ;)
Maybe rather that viewing others as Gods you should view yourself as one? Obviously i don't know you at all and have never been to your blog before so who am I to say anything. I just think a big part of balance is being able to love and worship everything that makes you you and, from what little i have read, you seem all right.
Somehow I missed this post until just now. Gotta love the title generator.
Your therapist sounds really good. I'd love to hear how the meditation/ time to yourself thing is going.
Like FTA, I'm an introvert myself. Sometimes being in a group of people can be terrifying for me and it takes me a while to open up to people.
Just some random thoughts. I don't feel very coherent or articulate right now . . . but I hope things are going well for you Christy. (And Jer too).
Post a Comment