As I mentioned in a previous post, I've recently started therapy again. Lemon Blossom kindly asked me for an update, and I thought I'd just dedicate an entire entry to depression/therapy experience.
It's no secret to any readers of my blog that I heart Dooce. Other than the fact that I believe she and I are total soul sisters, I so greatly admire how Dooce puts a human face to depression. She is living proof that depression does not discriminate based on race, religion, sex, upbringing, etc. It can happen to anyone, anywhere, I am SO glad to live in a generation where there is professional help readily available. I look at the way my father grew up and the way his father was, and it's clear he had depression too, but it wasn't widely talked about or treated back then.
I was first diagnosed with depression when I was 12. It was the weirdest thing-- I had a picture perfect childhood. I had siblings that I got along with, parents who provided all of my needs and most of my wants and gave me a lot of love, and opportunities to do anything I wanted to do. The biggest challenge of my childhood was the fact that my dad worked for the US government so we had to move between Utah and Germany a couple of times... but that wasn't much of a challenge. Yes it was difficult to say goodbye to friends and family for a few years, but the experiences I had living in a foreign country were well worth it and I always appreciated that. So here I am, 12 years old and in seventh grade, and suddenly feeling like I was taking up too much space and probably ought to jump off of a bridge. I mentioned this to my parents during dinner one night, and thank GOD they didn't take it lightly and got me into a therapist and a psychiatrist in lightning fast speed.
I was told that I had a chemical imbalance, which didn't make sense to me until many years later. I finally came to terms with the fact that depression is not just a mental thing, it's also a physical ailment. From agest 12-20 I was off an on several different types of anti-depressants. I probably should have continued on the meds after 20, but I didn't think I needed them, and after that I went through about 8 dark years. Of course this is all hindsight. By the time I was 28, I had finally adjusted well to my life and made several positve (although difficult!) changes, and was at last happy with the skin I was in. But it's kinda like changing a lightbulb. You can change it and it burns brightly for a period of time, but if you don't change it again when the light dims out, you're left in the dark.
I'm at a point in my life where I'm able to see the signs that tell me when I need to seek professional help. Sometimes, we just can't make it on our own. There's no shame in that. It's not that YOU did anything wrong, or even necessarily because someone wronged you. It's because sometimes shitty things happen, sometimes they don't. Sometimes there's absolutely no reason for you to be sad, sometimes there are. Regardless of the reasons, coping with life can be difficult.
I'm not saying that medication is for everyone, clearly it's not. I am saying that it can be very beneficial for anyone to talk to an unbiased, professional source. I didn't click with my first therapist, then clicked immediately and amazingly with my second. For me, the key to successful therapy is to be completely and brutally honest. They're not there to judge you, they're there to help. Anything you could possibly tell them, I can almost guarantee that they've heard worse. I had my second appoinment with my therapist today, and I went over the history of my last 10-15 years. She brought into light all that I've had to deal with, all the changes I've made, all that I've experienced, in a one hour session. She gave me some assigments before I see her again. I have to buy an artists book with a hardbound cover with a spiral attachment. I can use this to write in, draw in, scribble, do whatever I want. She gave me one artistic assigment (I'm not an artist, but she believes this task will uncover some of what's underneath) as well as 5 writing assigments. I told her "Oh, I blog! I blog! I write all the time" She thought that was great, but wants these writings to be so intensely private, that she won't even read them. It's all for me, in an effort to really discover myself.
There can't be any shame in the fact that I'm giddy with excitement over this. She is not only listening to me without judgment, but she understands me. She gets what I'm saying. She is giving me physical, not just mental suggestions. I am going to find myself, and I'm going to like it.
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12 comments:
Interesting assignment. I've been listening to "The Happiness Hypothesis" by Jonathan Haidt and he discusses a study where people were assigned to write about traumatic past experiences. Compared to a control group, the simple act of writing about it resulted in better health over the following year. There is apparently something cathartic that happens when we are able to make sense of our past by putting it into words and bringing fully into our consciousness. He further discusses how trials can strengthen us depending on when in our life they happen and how we deal with them.
It's a very good book. I'm listening to the Audio version, but I'm enjoying it so much I'm going to buy the real deal and share it with my family.
Professional help has a stigma associated with it but it can do amazing things for a person, through both medication and communication.
I hope to find the same understanding in my own therapy, both by the therapist and by myself.
You know I think your posts are always amazing. They're consistently thought provoking.
Great writing here, Christy. I appreciate that you shared this with us.
I, too, have depression, though it didn't develop until I was in my late 30s. Wellbutrin, meditation, and therapy have been helpful. I've been at the therapy thing for 4+ years, and it's been like peeling an onion, though it is getting a little scary getting closer and closer to the core of the onion. I still don't really know what's there, or how having knowledge of that will help me in my day-to-day existence. Looking back, my therapist had some penetrating insights from the get-go.
My therapist knows I blog, but I haven't told him I post about many of my dreams. He does know that I keep a dream journal, and, since he now lives in another part of the country, he gets an e-mail whenever I have one. It's a hoot scheduling our phone sessions from two time zones away.
Thank you for sharing, Christy. It's nice to know that my friends also see therapists.
Good luck with the journal. Sounds great.
For a while, I've been thinking I want to paint as therapy. Maybe I'll try it and see what comes out.
I hear you loud and clear. My family has severe problems with depression going back many generations. They used to treat it with alcohol, but treatment options and open attitudes have changed that for the most part. I am on prozac for chronic pain (did you know prozac works wonders on chronic pain?) and the depression stemming from the pain.
I'm so glad that you found someone you like. Here's to mental health!
Depression sucks. A good therapist ROCKS. Good luck getting it all worked out, Christy.
My experience with getting treated with anti-depressants for a chronic pain problem was just awful. That said, I am sure it works for many people, or they wouldn't still do it. :-)
Prozac also works for IBS. I had a sex-crazed male coworker several years ago who had IBS, and he told me that he might want to try Prozac to take care of his bowel condition. I didn't tell him that Prozac has a most unwanted side-effect for sex-crazed guys like him. Hee!
I started taking prozac when it was a new product... that long ago! There are many aspects of prozac that I liked... it worked nearly intantaneously, and it was forgiving. I could forget a day or two and pick it back up again. However, it increased my already anxious nature, and my sex drive? Fuggedaboudit!
I'm on Celexa and Klonopin now. I was on half a dose of Celexa for a week, and as of yesterday, I'm on a full dose. I'm sitting here at work right now wishing I could crawl back into bed. I think this will be good for my anxiety and I can stop the Klonopin, but for this moment... I can't focus or concentrate. So I'll blog instead!
Hi, Christy. This could be a glass of wine speaking (you said you like drunk dialers, so shutup), but I must say I love depressed people :) I mean, I don't like people to FEEL depressed, but I like people who know what depression is. They are the most real.
I just had dinner and a glass of wine with a friend who is so much like me, and who coincidently dealt with many of the same issues I did because of depression. We get each other, and therefore we can laugh at the same things because it feels so good to not take life so god-darn seriously , you know?
And that's probably one reason why I liked you and Jer so much when we met online and then in person. There was, it seemed,an automatic sympathetic connection that allows us to feel comfortable and real in each other's presence.
And now, that I've drunk-dialed your blog, you can feel ok about erasing this tomorrow if you want to because I am not in a stable frame of mind, even though I meant what I said.
Have a wonderful journey of self-discovery!\
-- Phoebes
Wow. Thank you so much for sharing this. I appreciate hearing your journey in, out, and around depression.
Both of my sisters were on antidepressants for years during their teens. In fact, my younger sister tried to commit suicide when she was 10. She has been on and off of them ever since, and was in therapy until her sweet, understanding Bishop said they would have to start paying as much in fast offerings as the church paid toward her therapy sessions. Um, the whole reason the church was assisting them is because they don't have the money. Grrr.
This post made me cry with relief for you, as well as for me. I know that going to therapy would help me a lot, but since we can't afford it, I will glean from all of you who are going. So, I guess I should go by a notebook, eh? Actually, I have started doodling during class and think that drawing would be really good for me, as well.
Anyway, I will end this book now!
By the way, I check your blog every day as well, even though I don't comment on every post. :)
I recently picked up a book from the library called "The Mood Cure" by Julia Ross. I believe I have mild depression from false moods (well, now I have real moods to deal with, but I digress). Anyway, I started about a month ago taking a supplement called 5-HTP after reading the section in this book on depression, and I must say, it has done a great deal for me.
I believe these supplements can be used in conjunction with antidepressants as well (or perhaps can even take their place in some cases). Might want to ask about stuff like that with your a/d proscribed phD -- it's nice to deal with the problem and flush some of the side effects that can often accompany a/d medications.
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