I found this a few years ago, and every year I get such a kick out of it... you should too! Holiday Snowglobe
I suck at the blog updating lately! Not that I think anyone is on pins and needles just waiting to find out what happens in my oh-so-boring (yet terribly exciting) life. But if I don't continue to update, you won't continue to come back and read and respond, then what will happen to our sEXMObile created by Gluby?
Last night we went to Jer's family Christmas party. First time I've seen most of his extended family since announcing our exodus more than a year ago. We couldn't go to the party last year because it fell on the same night as the U2 concert, and I have priorities. I was still greeted kindly and hugged by everyone, but I think most of them didn't know what to do with me beyond that. I did my best to not only look great, but be happy the entire time.
Yesterday my daughter Emilie was asking about her nipples, and we got to talking about how all mammals have nipples. Then she said "Does Santa Clause have nipples?" I couldn't contain my laughter at this point- that's an image I've not ever thought of. "Yes Emilie, Santa Clause has nipples too!" After she thought about that for a minute, she said "Well are they really big nipples?"
I tried doing a google image search for a Santa Clause with nipples and couldn't come up with anything. My photoshop abilities do not rock. So here's my request for those of you with the mad photoshop skillz- create an image of Santa Clause with nipples for me? And NOT Mrs. Santa Clause. I want the old jolly fat guy. Pete or Gluby, I'm leaving this in your very capable hands.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
15 comments:
I probably have some pics of Santa showing nipples, but they'not not the "old jolly fat" guy Santa pics... they're more of the "what Santa looks like when he's near the equator" kind of pictures.
:) I'd be happy to forward them.
by all means Sideon, I'll accept your contributions! :)
This is what I found when googling naked santa:
Naked Santa
Outside on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
We all ran outdoors yelling, "Hey! Whatsa matter?"
A naked man stood there - could he be any fatter?
"They stole my dang sleigh!" was his unlikely patter.
We looked at each other, surprise in our eyes;
Could this be Saint Nick? Oh boy! What a prize!
"Where are the presents?" we cried out in greed.
"They took everything! A dastardly deed!"
This couldn't be Santa, this big naked clown;
Santa would never end up on the ground.
Santa would be up there flying around;
This guy belonged in a hospital gown.
"Now easy, old timer," we said with great care;
"You just rest quietly; we'll call Medicare."
"I'm not crazy, you morons!" and did his eyes glare!
His belly was shaking and I felt a bit scared.
"Maybe he tells the truth," said small Tiny Tim.
"I saw Santa at the mall and he does look like him,
And look how his skin is so pale and so white;
That's because way up North there is six months of night."
"What about those hairs on his legs?" said Huckleberry Finn;
"And yet there are none growing out of his chin."
"You're right!" said Tom Sawyer. "Where is his beard?"
"Uh-oh!" said Tiny. "This guy is too weird."
"Now look, kids," said Santa. "I know it looks funny;
But what if I gave all you boys some money?"
"Money?" said Tom. "But the thief took your clothes;
Did you hide your money in your big shiny nose?"
"Ho! Ho!" laughed nude Santa, "It's not in my nose!"
And he stood up real tall on his fat tippytoes.
Then he squatted down fast and grunted real hard -
And there was some cash lying there in the yard.
"Wow! It's like magic!" said naive Tiny Tim;
"No it ain't," said Tom Sawyer," I know where that's been."
"Now, don't worry," said Santa. "It was wrapped in wax paper,
Then rolled up real tight with a twist and a taper.
I slipped it in neat and the thief never knew it;
He strip-searched me, yes, but still he blew it.
He just was too squeamish to go all the way up;
His negligence proves now to be your good luck!"
Tom Sawyer raised eyebrows at that "good luck" remark.
"Old Man, do you think I am blind in the dark?
Nobody wants dollars that were stuffed in your crack;
You might as well take them and put them right back!"
"Now hold on!" said Huck. "Don't be hasty there, Tom.
Maybe we can clean them... Don't be so alarmed."
But Tom looked at Huck like Huck had gone crazy,
Then Bobby spoke up with his words soft and lazy:
"Money is dirty, the root of all evil;
It's a cursed thang, just like the boll weevil."
"Oh shut up, Bobby, you dumb cottonpicker!
Between you and Huck, I don't know which is the sicker."
"How about you, Tiny Tim, which side are you on?
Should we pick up the money, or leave it alone?"
"Ooo it's just too disgusting - I can't touch that money;
It may have been wrapped, but it smells kind of funny."
"All right," said Tom, "Tiny Tim has now spoken.
We agree both to shun the disagreeable token
That nude Santa offered to purchase our help."
But Santa was angry - "Hold on, you young whelp!"
Santa was furious; his face was not merry;
His nose was inflamed like a bright little cherry.
His belly was shaking like a bowl full of jelly,
Not to mention the parts never shown on the telly.
"Hear now my curse!" he roared with a bellow,
But a new voice spoke up "What's the trouble old fellow?"
A kindly policeman had arrived on the scene
And sized it up quickly if you see what I mean.
But Santa surrendered without a big fight;
They covered his nude with a straightjacket white.
The boys heard him howl as he rode out of sight
"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!"
Ha ha ha ha ha on the poem, BR! That's priceless! I'm laughing hard right now.
There was an artist who painted great paintings of Santa suntanning and stuff, but I can't find him. They looked rather real. Maybe you'll have more luck than me.
How'd it go from nipples on Santa to NAKED Santa?
I'm not complainin' by any means.
As you requested: Sexy Santa
I can't promise total satisfaction here, but I found salvation at Landover Baptist's, um, church site:
Santa Claus Clings to Life After Brutal Horsewhipping by Angry Children!
I think Santa would make a great Victoria's Secret model, perhaps for their new line of seasonal clothing and, uh, stockings.
Oh, and I think Santa nipples would be properly referred to as "manboobs."
Bishop Rick- that poem is too funny! Thanks for sharing!
SML- Thanks for the heads up, I'll do some digging later, and see what I can find.
Gluby- I knew you would come through for me, but uh... no thanks! :) Victoria's Secret does have some sexy Ms. Santa gear. I'm just sayin'....
You're weird. And PS - I AM on pins and needles waiting for you to update. Because I LIKE your blog. A LOT.
Rebecca- THANKS, that is so nice! I LIKE your blog A LOT, too! Now I'll stop before we disgust everyone with our sweetness!
Hey Christy, I just wanted to tell you that I thought about you the other day when I went air compressor crazy and blew all of the dust out everywhere in my house.
Next time I do that, we'll be sure to invite you over.. Hey, I've got some good crushed ice too.
BTW -- Shiree's birthday party invite will be going out soon. We are thinking Jan 13th or the next weekend after that. We hope all of you will be able to make it. She's turning 30!! It will be an overnighter, pajama party for those that can stay over. Stay tuned for e-mail.
Sorry to go off the nipple topic.. LOL
Rob- No more dusting your house without inviting me over! You know how I feel about that! ;-)
I wouldn't dream of missing Shiree's 30th birthday party, I can't wait! (Jan 13th works for me!)
Sorry.. I just got here... did someone say nipples?
AVALANCHE!
OMG..that's hilarious...Dylan and I had so much fun shaking that globe....Does someone yell out "EMILY"???...when you're shaking it? I thought that's what I heard.
And your EMILIE....what a cutie. I absolutely LOVE her! What a smartie pants. Instead of saying "yes Virginia, there is a SC" everyone's gonna be saying..."yes Emilie...santa clause has nipples too" That's funny!
Maybe you should ask Brandon....he seems to have pictures of everyone else's nipples!!!!!(damnit)
Pete- yup, I said nipples. Where is your contribution? Don't make me wait, I can be very impatient and demanding. (rawr!)
Shiree- Yes, I do hear EMILY! being shouted in the background, and my Emilie can hear that too! And I have seen some of Brandons nipple photo collection, bwahahahaha!!! Let it be noted that he has NONE of me! :)
Post a Comment