It's been two years since I admitted to myself that I no longer believed in mormonism. The doubts and questions were there for at least two years prior, but it was two years ago this month that I officially stopped paying tithing and said "Joseph Smith is full of shit!"
At this same time I found The DAMU, (although my preference is now the new and improved New DAMU AKA FLAK), and soon after that I found a non-advertised underground DAMUU that I would link to, but I think they like it small and want to keep their privacy.
The owner of the board at that time was Voodew (who has posted comments to this very blog from time to time!). Voodew was trying to get some new posts going on the board so he gave us all thread assigments. Mine was something to the effect of "I may have left mormonism behind but I still act like one in these ways...."
My response was along the lines that I was worried about lightning striking since I recently stopped paying tithing (lightning did strike, my entire department was layed off within a few months. Then I ended up with a great promotion within the same company immediately after!). My other sentiments were that I was always wondering what I could do to help others. Mormonism was all about serving everyone, sacrificing yourself, give give give, go go go, collapse at the end of the day, wake up and do it all over again. You can never give enough.
Nurturing is natural for me. It is innate for me to want to take care of and rescue people. There is nothing wrong with assisting or helping others, but not at the risk of losing myself. Mormonism made me feel that if I did what I wanted to do for me, I was selfish and self-serving. I am in the process of breaking that cycle!
It's no surprise to some of my blog readers that I'm in therapy, although it may be a surprise to others. I had been seeing a therapist who wasn't really clicking with me. At my wits end I called the place that I have to go through for insurance purposes, and demanded someone different. I saw a woman yesterday who provided an amazing sense of clarity for me, and who really understood where I was coming from and very intune to what I need help with. For so long I have done what other people want me to do or think I should do, so I'm being introspective and yes... some may call it selfish. It's impossible for me to grow and thrive if I'm depending on everyone around me being okay, in order for me to be okay.
So, that's where I am right now. I've been going through some tough shit lately, a bunch of stuff that I don't want to blog about. I have neglected responding to all of my blog comments, because I simply haven't had the energy. Thanks to everyone who continues to read and respond... each time I get a message in my inbox saying that I have a new response, I get a little excited. No need to worry about me, I'm going to be just fine. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and I am going full steam ahead.
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21 comments:
I've been in therapy for 4+ years, which I started because of depression. My therapist left town after you-know-what dispersed his client base of neurotic professionals, but we do sessions by phone now. Anyway, we've just recently gotten to the core of some Big Issues.
Sorry to hear that you're going through rough times. Many mormon women (and just women in general) struggle with the nuturing issues.
I wish you luck with your new therapist. Throughout the years, if there's any truths that I've found, it's that there are good therapists and bad therapists, just like there are good mechanics and bad mechanics.
Hey, Christy,
I guess it's no secret that I've been in therapy as well and I have to tell you, after having finally overcome all the Mormon aversions to therapy that I was indoctrinated with, I stand up and cheer anytime anyone has the guts to start shrinkage (as I like to call it ;-) ).
I'm very serious. It is so far from being the "crutch" I was always warned it was--it takes incredible courage to really go in and do what's required in shrinkage and really face tough issues in your life. It can be exhilirating, but also terrifying, draining, and painful. It is worth it--especially if you have the right therapist who can really challenge you. But it is not for sissies.
I could go on and on about this (and have in some venues). I guess mostly what I want to say is that I so TOTALLY applaud you for your courage and willingness to face the tough shit. And you know if you need ANY support that I can give (I know you have a lot around you already) that you can ask me for it without hesitation. Like I say, you probably don't need anything from me, but I just want to applaud and support what you're doing any way I can--even if it's just on a blog comment. :-)
Well, my dad IS a therapist, so I don't think I grew up being indoctrinated against it. So yay for you! And also, you are pretty! I feel that sometimes you just need to hear that. Especially when it's TRUE.
Yeah, that makes sense, Rebecca--but I always grew up hearing a lot of hostility expressed toward therapy within a Mormon context (and in my family particularly). In fact, when I was in therapy I had at least two bishops--in their official capacity, no less--"counsel" me that I should quit therapy and "just live the gospel."
Inthenameofcheeseandriceamen
And Christy is pretty.
These comments are so great, fun and funny. Christy IS pretty...raar...rraaaaar...oh where was I? And therapy is probably very useful and not at all anything to be ashamed of for God's sake or anyone elses. So everyone be all that you can be, get an edge on life and have it your way!
Inthenamodepadresphillysandsaintlouiscardinalsamen.
The right therapist is a miracle IMO. Glad you found one who gets you - it's a big deal. I'm not in therapy at the moment, but certainly have been in the past. I love it! As bel says, it's hard but it's totally worth it. I guess I wasn't as indoctrinated against it, but I can see people fearing therapy. It really makes it impossible to hide from yourself.
Hugs to you Christy. :-)
Christy really is pretty, and a whole lot more.
I hear you on finding the right therapist. It is as much work as finding the right person to marry. So glad you are finding some peace now. You are a wonderful person who should know you're wonderful and continue on enjoying life from there.
Christy is so pretty that all I can think about is making out with her. I will sit in my room brushing my hair and singing until we finally meet in person.
Christy, I'm glad that you're seeing someone you click with. Therapist shopping. I'm an advocate, since I've done it several times through the years. One or two sessions and I'd know if there was good rapport or not. I'd take my list of questions and statements in with me beforehand:
- how do they structure sessions? Are they goal oriented? Do they provide "homework" inbetween sessions? Do they envision 6 weeks, 3 months, etc.
(belaja's comment about "shrinkage" is hysterical!!!)
All that being said, let me repeat: finding the right "fit" is important. You wouldn't buy a random sports bra, jock strap, or package of condoms without a little research first, would you? ;) Same goes for shrinkagers.
**HUGS** Holler if you need something.
I did the therapy route 5 years ago...made BIG head-way. Then my counselor asked if my being a mormon could be the cause of my stress in my life. I thought he was crazy and quit. Now I realize what he meant by that...ie: church service, callings, and mandatory attendance. The church was like my parents in many ways, I would give everything to both to win their approval, but in the end NOTHING was good enough...it was "try harder next time". For me, the church was an abusive relationship and I am heading back for a second round of therapy!
Wish you luck! :)
I'm gonna go therapist shopping this week. It's not easy, but will hopefully be well worth it. I think you're pretty too (on the inside more than on the outside, if that's even possible!!!) and value your friendship highly.
Take care, and know lots of us are thinking of you with positive support thoughts.
Dear friends- thank you SO much for these comments. It means more than you know. I'll get my shit together soon... and hopefully make another blog post tonight.
Smooches to all!
I don't think Christy is pretty, I think she is hotter than hell...in that girl-next-door kinda way.
Bel,
I find your comments about shrinkage a little disturbing...don't know why.
Ros,
We all want to make out with Christy.
SML,
You are all of ours therapists.
You are all of our therapist
You are all of ours therapist
HOW THE HELL DO YOU SAY THAT?
Bishop Rick, I say it like this:
I am not, but thank you anyway! I'm glad I could help, if I ever did. You guys out here in the blogosphere have no idea how much you have given me. No idea.
Darling, if you want to talk bollocks and discover the meaning of life, you're better off downing a bottle of whiskey. At least that way, you're unconscious by the time you start to take yourself seriously.
Is it just me or am I so drunk that Patsy makes a fuck-load of sense?!?
Christy - do you mind if I ask how the therapy is going? I am living vicariously through people who go because I can't yet. Sigh. So, anyway, I won't be offended if you don't want to answer. :)
I have been thinking about you lately and hope you all are well.
Lemon Blossom- thank you for your concern, I'm touched! I would love to talk to you more about it and the details offline... but I will post a general update after my appointment today.
I'll check your profile and see if you have an email addy.... if not, please email me at absyfabsy at yahoo dot com.
The right therapist can work wonders. Mine unraveled 30 years of accumulated junk. I hope yours works wonders for you too.
I was reading your blog and saw the comment about paying tithing. I stopped paying tithing over a decade ago, but I still try to give a portion of my income to charity. Partly it's rationalizing.. you know,"just in case." And partly it's just because I think that when you help others and put good stuff out into the universe, it does come back to you. (And that's pretty much how Mormonism guilts us into paying tithing too, isn't it!) LOL!
Anyway, I've enjoyed reading your blog and will definitely be back, especially if thre are more sugar cookie pictures. :)
You have amazing clarity, and I loved your description of the light bulb burning bright for a while, but then it always dims. I know that feeling with my soul, but I don't think I could have ever described it better than you. Trust that you are not alone in your feelings, and I can not believe how wrapped up I am in your ability to be so honest.
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