I took a communications class several years ago. This is one of those classes that I absorbed every ounce of what was taught, and realy, truly internalized it. This class was about not just communication, but using communication to overcome your fears, which will help you become the person that you want to be.
The simple, yet complex, definition of communiction is Meaning and Understanding. For true communication to take place, the conveyance of the ideas through intended word meanings or nonverbal gestures must be totally received and understood by the receiver. It is imperative that both receiver and sender in an interpersonal encounter have a common background of shared experiences between them for meaningful communication to take place. The greater the overlap in shared experiences, the more enhanced meaningful communication is.
Whose responsibility is it to ensure that meaningful communication takes place? My professor believed that it was as much as 90% the responsibility of the sender, and 10% of the receiver, to ensure they understood what was meant. Take for instance, if someone gives me directions on how to get somewhere, they say "Just get on the freeway, take the 3rd exit, take a right and drive on that road for a mile, it will be the white house on your left. Where I live, I have I:215 that comes before I:15. Which freeway were they talking about? It is the senders responsibiilty to say "Take I:15", but if they don't, it should be up to the receiver to clarify. So many mistakes in communication take place when assumptions are made.
It is NEVER a waste of time to ensure that Meaning and Understanding have taken place. Everything that we are or wish others to think of us is exhibited in our behavior, verbal as well as nonverbal. What we are, influences how others react to us.
Meanings are not in words. Meanings are in people and their experiences. Words are poor conveyors of meaning. Offense is never given, it is taken. If you are offended by something, it is okay and certainly in your right. However, realize that if you are offended, it's because you chose to be. Try to understand where the other person is coming from, and be slow to take offense.
I went to dinner last night with a friend and she and I talked for over 3 hours non stop, and a lot of these thoughts came to my mind. Just thought I'd put them out there.
Cheers and Happy Friday to everyone!
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9 comments:
Good thoughts here...I am guilty of both extremes. Sometimes I am so shy and don't talk or say very little that people get the wrong idea about me. Thinking I am a bitch or whatever...Then other times I overstress my point to make sure the other person/people really understand me. Weird...
Very nice post. I often wonder effectively I communicate and how people perceive me.
"However, realize that if you are offended, it's because you chose to be."
Sorry, flashbacks to Bednar's "stop being offended by the church" talk.
[shudder]
Oh, and I've experienced these communications gaps when speaking to people in other languages, in other cultures. It's not just hard to understand, it is also emotionally draining.
Hmm. I agree that one can always choose not to take offense at something...but then, some things are more offensive than others. If the 'sender' is 90% responsible, then it's clearly possible that a sender is putting out an offensive message - which, again, a receiver can reject and/or ignore. But that does not take away from the fact that sometimes the sender has every intention of being offensive. I also think of little kids who get hurt by what is said to them - when they have not yet learned the skills to deflect or reject what is said to them.
I don't know, I'm just chewing on this. At any rate, excellent post, Christy.
I enjoyed this post. Communication is so important and you seem to get that and have a style that I find really reassuring in people. It is not always easy to say what you want to say..there is risk involved and someone might oversimplify something and glean misread assumptions from your words. I wish everyone would communicate explicitly, clearly and often. It could only make life easier.
If there's anything I learned in various communication and advertising courses is this : "It is very possible to offend by intent". That's key in more than a few marketing campaigns throughout the years.
I'm very difficult to offend. There are very few things that will outright set me off; Predatory behavior (especially on those that can't defend themselves), liars, and assholes with no purpose other than being an asshole.
I keep it copacetic otherwise, but there are ways to push a mellow dude like myself to the edge via the message sent, and not the message received. :)
Speaking as a guy with a crazy-ass level of communication (my wife and I wouldn't be around if we both didn't!) I have to agree that communication is cardinal to having a functioning relationship. That's something I wish I had given much more credit at a much earlier time.
There are some really great, thought provoking responses here, thanks guys!
I still maintain, that it is completely, 100% withing our rights to be offended, especially when a person is TRYING to be an asshole. That being said, it is still our choice to be offended. The way I see it, we can either chose to take it to heart and try to do something about it, we can ignore it, knowing that they're simply false and it's not worth arguing over, or we can realize that peraps the offendor is right, and maybe we need to change something about ourselves. For instance, if someone told you that you have green hair, and they were *trying* to insult... how would you react? If you didn't have green hair, you would brush it off knowing that the other person has serious dellusions. Or, if you DO have green hair and it's by choice, then who cares? If you didn't realize that you have green hair and see that they're right, you can either accept it or change it.
Perhaps my view is too simplistic. Maybe I'm too naive. But this is how I see things.
PS- just the mere image of Bednar offends me... he doesn't even have to open his mouth. So there you go! :)
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