Where did I leave off? Oh yeah. End of Sophomore year with Stephen Flynn.
OOOOH, one part about my soph year that had an impact on me. Valentines day, I was sitting in my Drivers Ed class when the office aide walked in with a balloon, rose, and a card, and said "This is a delivery for Christy blahblahblah". I was shocked, because things like this never happen to me. It was a balloon that said "I Love You" and a red rose and a card that said on the outside "At first I thought I wanted you for one of my friends" And the inside said "Then I thought, to hell with my friend, I want you for myself! Happy Valentines day! From ?" They had actually written a question mark. I never did find out who that was from, despite relentless attempts and bribery. grrrr.
Beginning of Jr. Year, Stephen and I had worked out our friendship, and things were going well. He started dating one of my friends, and while I was a little envious, I liked them both and was happy for them. I moved on myself, liking and dating other people, even though Stephen could have snapped his fingers and I would have been his, at any moment. Jr. year was rather boring. We were great friends, but both being active, involved 16 and 17 year olds. We had common friends, classes, interests. I developed a crush in the middle of that school year on a boy named Matt Tolman. He was the first guy I wrote a note to confessing my interest. His response, to my best friend, was "That note was well written". There's a little more to that story, to be explained later.
That summer, The Cure was coming to town on their Wish Tour ("Friday I'm in Love"). Stephen was first in line, waiting over night. I went with our friends to say hi and take some snacks, and I said to Stephen "So you're taking me to the concert, right? I can't wait for our concert, we're going to have so much fun. The night of the cure concert, we should all get together to goth it up first", etc. Stephen finally said "You know what? Okay. I'll take you. I want to take someone I know will appreciate and enjoy it." and that was it. I was THRILLED. The concert came mid-summer, we went and had a great time! Then my mom scored some most excellent seats to the broadway tour of Les Mis. At this point, Stephen and I were hanging out every day, with our friends, or alone, and just having a great summer. Naturally, I invited him. He refused. I didn't get it. I knew he loved Les Mis as much as I did. All he would say is, "no". Our friends were equally perpelexed, asking him what was up? One night, when we were at a friends house, he was leaning against the hood of his car, and asked me to come talk to him. "The reason why I said no to going to Les Mis with you, is because I've already gone this summer, and have taken another girl. Emily Christensen." She was the girl at my school who was voted with the best smile. Plus, her parents were loaded. "But," he continued, "If you'll still have me, I would be much obliged to attend with you." "Okay," I said. "Sounds like a plan." The next day I saw him at a city carnival, walked up to him, and said "Nevermind, my mom already sold that ticket to someone else, sorry!". Truth be told, I sold the ticket to my best friends sister. The tickets were on the 5th row, orchestra level. Stephens loss. My loss, as well.
By our senior year, Stephen and I called each other "Best Friend". We just had a lot of fun. Both dating other people, but hanging out often with our same group of friends, so totally comfortable. In fact, he had a girlfriend before his mission, who went to another school. At this point, I was great friends with his girlfriend, and he and I would double date all the time. I think at this time, both of our families fantasized of the day we would get together, as did I. But, the interest wasn't there on his side, and I wanted to at least keep him as a friend.
The thing about Stephen, is he liked the girls that were out of reach. He only went for the really pretty and popular girls, not the average best friend type of girls, like me. I never had a chance, and I made my self too accessible and available. There was no challenge. This story is to be continued.
Moving on with my senior year, I dated other people. Started dating Andy Skelton, at about the time I asked him to the Halloween dance. I found out he had liked me since the year before, but never actioned his feelings. I was going out with him, and his best friend Arlo Weston, was going out with my best friend, Viki. The four of us did everything together, and had SO much fun. Andy was completely enamored of me, and that was nice. Me? Not so much. I was lonely, wanted a boyfriend, and he was ready and willing. Plus he was the best friend of my best friends boyfriend. This worked. By the time the casual Jr. Prom came around, Andy asked me, and Arlo asked Viki. Viki and I were bored.... I mean we knew we would go to Sr. Prom with them, so why go to Jr. as well? We agreed that it would have been more fun if Arlo asked me, and Andy asked her. So, I answered Arlo with a "YES" and Viki answered Andy with a "YES". The boys were confused. We explained how we felt, and they agreed to it. The day before the dance, Andy came down with the flu and couldn't go. I told Arlo, his family, and Viki, that in no way was I going to the dance, he should absolutely take her. Our answering to the contrary was just to be silly and have some fun. The next day, the day of the dance, Arlo called me and said "Hi Christy, this is Arlo. Will you go to the Jr. Dance with me?" "What??!?!" was my reply. "Look," he said, "I would have done something creative here, but we're leaving in about an hour and I need to know now if you want to go." "Uh... uh... Okay! Why not?!?!" was my reply. An hour later, he picked me up. This guy was a class act. He took both Viki and I to the dance. Paid for our activity, dinner, etc. We got out picture taken, all 3 of us together. This dance was SO.MUCH.FUN.! Arlo will always hold a special place in my heart for doing that.
I broke up with Andy after Valentines Day, because I developed a crush on the new boy, Clint Duke. Not much to say here. The crush was mostly unrequited, but I really wasn't into Andy all that much, anyway. He was convenient, more than anything. Andy did ask me to Sr. Prom, we went with our group of friends. Later he dated the girl who posts on my blog as "Patsy". He told her horrible things about me, and me horrible things about her. Patsy and I had a mutual dis-like for each other, because of Andy.
The thing is, I wanted to like Patsy. She seemed like fun, and we had a lot of friends in common. All of my friends liked her and went to her house often. Patsy had a total party house. My friends would all go there and have a great time, and I would sit home and sulk. The story of Patsy will continue, but to her suggestion in the comments on my last blog post, let me tell you about Andy's treehouse. OH, Patsy! I think you should draw a picture of it, email it to me, and I'll post it in my next blog post, deal?
Andy's treehouse was the biggest treehouse, ever. It took over his entire front yard. I'm not kidding, this thing is massive. Anyone who has spent considerable amount of time in Bountiful could point out the Skelton treehouse to you. It has levels upon layers upon levels. It had hammocks, tents, stairs, swings, slides, all over the freaking place. In my opinion? EYESORE. Our friends LOVED this treehouse, and many nights were spent playing tag on this treehouse. As for me? I hated it. I liked Andy, hated the treehouse. The structure scared me. No one else had a problem playing on this thing, but while everyone else would run all over it, I would sit on the swing over the driveway at the bottom. Next to the final slide. I think it was Andy's fantasy to live in this treehouse forever. If he could have had Patsy and I as his celestial wives? Even Better!
Patsy, the call is out. Somtime in your freetime, since you have so much working full time and having a newborn daughter, I want a picture of this catastrophe, drawn by Y-O-U.
So, yeah, recap: I still liked Stephen, dated and broke up with Andy, lusted after Clint, and hated Patsy, all in my senior year of high school. Andy worshipped me, didn't like that. Stephen wouldnt consider me, drove me wild. Clint titillated my brain, and still does, truth be told. Something about Andy landing a girl like Patsy after me, made me batty and oddly jealous.
The summer between high school and year one of college brought a lot of new things for me. To be continued!
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Examining past relationships Part II
Thanks everyone for your great feedback on your last post! Writing it was therapeutic for me. It's not been painful at all... YET! In fact, I'm wondering how far I'll let myself write about. You see, I've been split with Jeremy since the first part of the year, and he's also a blogger. I will talk to him and see how he feels about it, but I know he knows I will be respectful and careful, only telling MY side of the story. Also, I've dated quite a bit since the demise of our marriage, and some of those men know about this blog (due to creative googling or me sharing the address), so I'm not sure if I want to write about those relationships or not. I want this blog to be drama free. We'll see how far I get!
Before I continue, there was one Jr. High relationship that I neglected to write about. And how could I!?!? This was my first *REAL* kiss! His name was Julian Mendozza. He was in my 7th grade English class, but I never noticed him. This was in Germany, and the Jr. High had 4 dances a year, all at night for 3 hours each: Halloween, Christmas, Valentines, and spring/end of year. The Halloween dance was my first major dance, and I was having so much fun! I finally made it into the popular crowd (eyes rolling here), and lots of boys were asking me to dance that night. For the most part I was too shy to accept, so I turned them down. By the end of the night I had a ton of adreniline running through me, and I had to stay until the very end because my mom was the student council advisor (yeah, lucky me!! not.), so most of the kids had gone home during the last 20 minutes. At one point I found myself dancing with Julian. I recognized him, but didn't know him. He was wearing a witches hat, and while we were dancing, I kept taking it off and tossing it like a frisbee. We were being playful, cute, like the 12 year olds we were. When the dance was over and lights turned on, we sat on the bleachers. He asked me if I would go with him, and I immediately said "No!" and got up and walked away. My parents were RIGHT THERE! Later I was chastised by friends, who told me that Julian was the sweetest guy who would never hurt a flee. The next monday at school, I walked right up to him on the school grounds and said "I made a mistake when I said no to you on Friday night. Is it too late for me to change my mind?" He had a big toothy grin and said "Not at all!" and we hugged, our friends clapped, Jr. High romance at its finest.
That week, I was staying at my best friends building, who lived right across the street from his building (Air Force Base housing here!). So we walked home from school together. He saw my friend and I carrying laundry down to the basement through the windows in the stairwell, so he and his friend came over to hang out with us. I told him I must have looked like a dork carrying laundry down and he shook his head and said "No, you looked FINE." *sigh*. The next morning we walked to school together, then home together that afternoon. A bunch of kids from the neighborhood got together that night to hang out and shoot the breeze before bedtime, and my best friend Mandy (the girl who french kissed her boyfriend on the playground in 5th grade, noted in previous post) said "Tonight is the night you two will kiss!" She whispered that into Julian's ear, grabbed all the other kids hanging out with us, and disappeared into the stairwell. Julian and I stared at each other, as nervous as we could be. We kept looking away, looking at each other, the ground, blushing giggling. Goodness gracious, I was TWELVE YEARS OLD. Then at one moment, our eyes met, we each took a step closer. He put his arm around my waist and pulled me close and planted a wet one on me. After that we stepped back, and he ran home across the street. The kids came out of the stairwell laughing, clapping. I went to bed, dreaming of that kiss.
The next day at school, he and I were shy around each other. We walked home again, keeping our distance. The next morning, I broke up with him. I wasn't ready for such a step. But, was it that, or did I get what I want and then leave? I dunno. I never missed him. He turned into a bit of a hoodlum after that. I found him attractive in the "bad boy" sort of way, but because he was not mormon and I was so, so mormon, I wouldn't consider that.
WAIT! One other Jr. High relationship I haven't written about! Andy Welch. I loved him. Looking back, he was my first true love. I knew him since 5th grade, but one day in 7th grade I looked at him and though "Wow.!" I loved him from the middle of November until... well that love didn't end, and was unrequited. I tried to get over him but he knew I had these feelings. At one point he had a little crush on me and wanted to dance with me at the Valentines dance, but I had plans with my family and dad's office to go Skiing in Innsbruck, Austria that weekend. I did have priorities. He couldn't ask me to dance with him, and ended up re-connecting with an old girlfriend of his, Jill Safkin. I had it for him that entire year. To me, he was perfect. I will always consider him the first boy I fell in love with. I know it was 7th grade, but I also know the feeling of love. That was it. I have no clue what happened to him after I left.
On to High School: I moved back to Bountiful just before my senior year of high school. I moved into a ward where I was the only girl my age. Everyone was either 2 years older than me, or 1 year younger. Instead of having me regress, they were nice and allowed me to join the laurels before I was of age, because those girls were in high school and would take care of me. When I first moved into the ward, a woman told me that she had a son my age (the only boy our age in the ward), but he was in Europe on some sort of field trip. Huh, ok, whatever. The sunday before the first day of school, he arrived. Stephen Flynn. W.O.W. Stephen was everything I liked in a boy. He was tall. Had sloppy hair but NOT A MULLET (this was 1990, after all). He had round glasses. He was my age. He.was.PERFECT. I could not stop staring. I was sitting on the stand because my family had to speak and introduce themselves since we were new in the ward. I stared at him the entire time. When I was speaking, I saw him sit up straight and listen to me. All I could think was, "I'm going to marry him". I just knew I would. We weren't introduced that day. The next day, first day of high school, I saw him scaling the stairs, and he was wearing a Smiths t-shirt. Could he be anymore perfect??
Nothing more happened with him until we started rehearsing for the road show and had to spend several saturdays and cast parties together. I was smitten, in a way I never knew possible. Stephen and I started this amazing friendship. We got together all the time and hung out at all the high school stomps, games, and church dances together. First time he asked me to slow dance was during "Somebody", by Depeche Mode. Second time was "Unchained Melody". I was sure the feelings were returned. We gave each other christmas presents, spent New Years Eve together, hung out at school, talked on the phone every night-- didn't this mean we were an item? He turned 16 right before the Jr. Prom, and told me how he so looked forward to that being his first date. I wasn't turning 16 until a month after that, but made it clear to him that my mom would still let me go to a school sponsored dance. I hoped he would ask me. I expected him to ask me. Then, I found out through my best friend Emilie (Yes, the girl I named my Emilie after) who was good friends with his younger brother, that he had asked Sharon Goodrich, one of THE most popular girls at school. And, she said yes. Ugh. Heartbreak. Crushed. Devistated.
The rest of my sophomore year, I felt like I lived in the shadow of Sharon. She was cute, pretty, and popular. I was a new girl (kind of. I grew up there and had just moved back. Sharon was actually my best friend in 1st grade), and not one to be desired. I kept my distance from Stephen the rest of the year, although I did try once to reclaim our friendship, by asking him to my first girls choice dance. We had fun, nothing happened, yadda yadda. During that summer, Stephen confonted me about how knows we were such great friends then I lost it when he asked someone else to the dance. He still wanted to be my friend. So we were very platonic friends after that, not talking about much else.
I can see that this is going to take more than one post, and this one is long enough. I'll continue the saga of Stephen in my next post. Suffice it to say, I carried a torch for him for many, many years. I hope he googles his name someday and reads all this.
Before I continue, there was one Jr. High relationship that I neglected to write about. And how could I!?!? This was my first *REAL* kiss! His name was Julian Mendozza. He was in my 7th grade English class, but I never noticed him. This was in Germany, and the Jr. High had 4 dances a year, all at night for 3 hours each: Halloween, Christmas, Valentines, and spring/end of year. The Halloween dance was my first major dance, and I was having so much fun! I finally made it into the popular crowd (eyes rolling here), and lots of boys were asking me to dance that night. For the most part I was too shy to accept, so I turned them down. By the end of the night I had a ton of adreniline running through me, and I had to stay until the very end because my mom was the student council advisor (yeah, lucky me!! not.), so most of the kids had gone home during the last 20 minutes. At one point I found myself dancing with Julian. I recognized him, but didn't know him. He was wearing a witches hat, and while we were dancing, I kept taking it off and tossing it like a frisbee. We were being playful, cute, like the 12 year olds we were. When the dance was over and lights turned on, we sat on the bleachers. He asked me if I would go with him, and I immediately said "No!" and got up and walked away. My parents were RIGHT THERE! Later I was chastised by friends, who told me that Julian was the sweetest guy who would never hurt a flee. The next monday at school, I walked right up to him on the school grounds and said "I made a mistake when I said no to you on Friday night. Is it too late for me to change my mind?" He had a big toothy grin and said "Not at all!" and we hugged, our friends clapped, Jr. High romance at its finest.
That week, I was staying at my best friends building, who lived right across the street from his building (Air Force Base housing here!). So we walked home from school together. He saw my friend and I carrying laundry down to the basement through the windows in the stairwell, so he and his friend came over to hang out with us. I told him I must have looked like a dork carrying laundry down and he shook his head and said "No, you looked FINE." *sigh*. The next morning we walked to school together, then home together that afternoon. A bunch of kids from the neighborhood got together that night to hang out and shoot the breeze before bedtime, and my best friend Mandy (the girl who french kissed her boyfriend on the playground in 5th grade, noted in previous post) said "Tonight is the night you two will kiss!" She whispered that into Julian's ear, grabbed all the other kids hanging out with us, and disappeared into the stairwell. Julian and I stared at each other, as nervous as we could be. We kept looking away, looking at each other, the ground, blushing giggling. Goodness gracious, I was TWELVE YEARS OLD. Then at one moment, our eyes met, we each took a step closer. He put his arm around my waist and pulled me close and planted a wet one on me. After that we stepped back, and he ran home across the street. The kids came out of the stairwell laughing, clapping. I went to bed, dreaming of that kiss.
The next day at school, he and I were shy around each other. We walked home again, keeping our distance. The next morning, I broke up with him. I wasn't ready for such a step. But, was it that, or did I get what I want and then leave? I dunno. I never missed him. He turned into a bit of a hoodlum after that. I found him attractive in the "bad boy" sort of way, but because he was not mormon and I was so, so mormon, I wouldn't consider that.
WAIT! One other Jr. High relationship I haven't written about! Andy Welch. I loved him. Looking back, he was my first true love. I knew him since 5th grade, but one day in 7th grade I looked at him and though "Wow.!" I loved him from the middle of November until... well that love didn't end, and was unrequited. I tried to get over him but he knew I had these feelings. At one point he had a little crush on me and wanted to dance with me at the Valentines dance, but I had plans with my family and dad's office to go Skiing in Innsbruck, Austria that weekend. I did have priorities. He couldn't ask me to dance with him, and ended up re-connecting with an old girlfriend of his, Jill Safkin. I had it for him that entire year. To me, he was perfect. I will always consider him the first boy I fell in love with. I know it was 7th grade, but I also know the feeling of love. That was it. I have no clue what happened to him after I left.
On to High School: I moved back to Bountiful just before my senior year of high school. I moved into a ward where I was the only girl my age. Everyone was either 2 years older than me, or 1 year younger. Instead of having me regress, they were nice and allowed me to join the laurels before I was of age, because those girls were in high school and would take care of me. When I first moved into the ward, a woman told me that she had a son my age (the only boy our age in the ward), but he was in Europe on some sort of field trip. Huh, ok, whatever. The sunday before the first day of school, he arrived. Stephen Flynn. W.O.W. Stephen was everything I liked in a boy. He was tall. Had sloppy hair but NOT A MULLET (this was 1990, after all). He had round glasses. He was my age. He.was.PERFECT. I could not stop staring. I was sitting on the stand because my family had to speak and introduce themselves since we were new in the ward. I stared at him the entire time. When I was speaking, I saw him sit up straight and listen to me. All I could think was, "I'm going to marry him". I just knew I would. We weren't introduced that day. The next day, first day of high school, I saw him scaling the stairs, and he was wearing a Smiths t-shirt. Could he be anymore perfect??
Nothing more happened with him until we started rehearsing for the road show and had to spend several saturdays and cast parties together. I was smitten, in a way I never knew possible. Stephen and I started this amazing friendship. We got together all the time and hung out at all the high school stomps, games, and church dances together. First time he asked me to slow dance was during "Somebody", by Depeche Mode. Second time was "Unchained Melody". I was sure the feelings were returned. We gave each other christmas presents, spent New Years Eve together, hung out at school, talked on the phone every night-- didn't this mean we were an item? He turned 16 right before the Jr. Prom, and told me how he so looked forward to that being his first date. I wasn't turning 16 until a month after that, but made it clear to him that my mom would still let me go to a school sponsored dance. I hoped he would ask me. I expected him to ask me. Then, I found out through my best friend Emilie (Yes, the girl I named my Emilie after) who was good friends with his younger brother, that he had asked Sharon Goodrich, one of THE most popular girls at school. And, she said yes. Ugh. Heartbreak. Crushed. Devistated.
The rest of my sophomore year, I felt like I lived in the shadow of Sharon. She was cute, pretty, and popular. I was a new girl (kind of. I grew up there and had just moved back. Sharon was actually my best friend in 1st grade), and not one to be desired. I kept my distance from Stephen the rest of the year, although I did try once to reclaim our friendship, by asking him to my first girls choice dance. We had fun, nothing happened, yadda yadda. During that summer, Stephen confonted me about how knows we were such great friends then I lost it when he asked someone else to the dance. He still wanted to be my friend. So we were very platonic friends after that, not talking about much else.
I can see that this is going to take more than one post, and this one is long enough. I'll continue the saga of Stephen in my next post. Suffice it to say, I carried a torch for him for many, many years. I hope he googles his name someday and reads all this.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Examining past relationships Part I
I read somewhere once that marriages don't fail, they conclude. It is sad for me to think about, but it's true. I've learned that divorce, no matter what the reasons or who initiated it, is extremely difficult. Not for someone who is weak at heart.
Lately I've been doing a High Fidelity deal where I've re-examined my past relationships and trying to figure out what went wrong. I'm going to talk about them, and on some of these, I'm going to use their real names because I'm hoping that by some small chance, one day they will google their names and see that I've talked about them, and contact me and let me know what they're up to.
***DISCLAIMER!*** This is only my side of the story. Each of these boys/guys have their own to tell. Please keep this in mind!
***DISCLAMER AGAIN!*** Because this is so long winded, this post only contains childhood through Jr. High. More to follow!
First relationship ever was with Jared Steenblik. I met Jared in my ward and knew him from baby age on up. Right before kindergarten, we were a hot item. I remember my 5th birthday, he gave me a box of play-dough. Later I went with my mom to drop the kids off, and when I got home, Jared was sitting at my kitchen table, playing with the play-dough he gave me. This is true romance for you-- after we dropped him off, he went into his backyard, cut across my best friend Emilie's back yard, and broke into my house which was 2 houses away. We spent Kindergarten chasing each other around the playground and sitting next to each other in class when we could, but the relationship had no chance. We were too young, and our parents wouldn't let us move in together. We were in different classes in 1st grade, so we only really saw each other in Primary each week. The relationship could not last, as I moved away and back a few times. We went to the same High School, though. We never talked to each other much, but made a point to sign each others yearbooks every year. He and I always had a special bond, there's something unique about maintaining a friendship with someone from your past like that.
After that, it was Chris Green. Chris was also in my ward, and a year younger than me. During the summers, his mom would babysit me a few times a week, so we were together often. One night his sister invited my sister over for a slumber party. I was jealous, and pitched a fit. So his mom said I could sleep over, too. We all slept in our sleeping bags in the living room. He fell asleep, and the girls stayed up to play truth or dare. My dare was to kiss him. Chris Green was my first kiss, and I'll never forget that! I moved the next year, and maybe said 5 additional words to him the rest of my life.
I had a crush on some kid in my 3rd grade class, and dammit I don't remember his name! I do remember fantasizing about showing up to school in a most beautiful princess gown, having him come up to me and kiss me. This was my first time feeling inferior to someone. He was "above my league", so to speak. The smartest, best looking kid in the class. No way would he like a dorky girl like me!
In 4th grade, I got to my desk one day with a note on it saying only "will you go weth me?" I looked around the class, couldn't figure out who it was from. I was grossed out by the idea, and threw the note away. It even had a decorated border! Later that day, a boy named Justin Hall walked up to my desk and slapped another piece of paper on my desk that said "WILL YOU GO WETH ME!!!" I freaked out, wrote "NO!!!!" On it, then slapped it back on his desk. Even then I was a spelling snob and said "Besides, I can't go out with a boy who can't even spell WITH!" After that, he tormented me with notes, then they got nasty. The day before Halloween, he passed me a note first thing in the morning that said "I'm going to screw you on Halloween". Yes people, this was in Bountiful Utah, and I was being threatened with rape at age 9. I didn't think to tell the teacher. That day during recess on the playground, he started chasing me, and I ran for my life. He chased me all over the place, relentlessly. I had some friends who saw was was going on and either ran with me, or tried to stop him in his tracks. When the bell rang, I ran into my class, and told my teacher what happened. The teacher called him up, had a few words with him, then sent me home for the rest of the day. As I recall, he never bothered me again after that. This was a truly horrifying moment for me. I moved away the year after that, and when I returned to Bountiful 6 years later, I asked about him. No one knew what happened to him. Sometimes I still wonder. Good enough reason why that couldn't happen, eh?
I moved to Germany just before 5th grade. I don't know what happened here, I wasn't boy crazy at all at this point, but I had several boys ask me to "go with them". I was a good mormon girl, and said no to each one of them. Even when the most popular boy, T.J. Daniels, asked me. My best friend Mandy started "going with" another boy named Cary Belmear, and they french kissed on the playground, in 5th grade!! Quite the scandal, clearly I wasn't ready for such antics.
At the end of 5th grade, a boy by the name of Jeremy Cochran moved and was new in my class. From the moment I saw him, I couldn't take my eyes off of him. But I wasn't one of the cute petite girls (always a bit on the taller side, myself) so he never had those same eyes for me. However, he and I became great friends, could really talk about stuff and things.
6th grade was boring. Not much to tell.
7th grade, Jeremy Cochran was in my band class. He was on the trumpet, I was on the flute. Again, I couldn't stop staring at him. We started of a conversation where we left off in 5th grade. I immediately re-ignited my crush. My relationship with him was rare, and I'm not just saying this because he was my first "Real" boyfriend (although we never kissed). He and I talked, flirted, and stared at each other for about 6 weeks before he asked me to "go with him", and I said yes. The weird thing about this relationship was that I dreamed the situation in its entirety the night before it happened.... in extreme details. He played football at the local rec center and asked me to go to the homecoming dance with him. Because I was a good mormon girl who couldn't date in an even extremely controlled environment (Pee-Wee football? Come on!), I had to say no. He still wanted to "go with me" anyway. After that, we both got nervous about the expectations and stopped talking. Didn't even pass notes. After a week I missed my friend and realized how pointless the relationship was, so I broke up with him, telling him I still wanted to be friends. Suddenly, we could talk and joke and hang out again. About a week later, I had another dream that he asked me to "go back with him". The next day, TO THE ENTIRETY, this happened. And I said YES!! This time, things were different. Keep in mind that in 7th grade world, 1 week seems like 1 month in the real world. ANYWAY, we started going out again. This time we didn't talk or hang out as much, but it was different from before. Then I started becoming popular. And my friend, Jennifer Ayers, found out that I was going with Jeremy. She looked at me one day and said "Jeremy Cochran?" And made the gagging sign with her finger and her throat. At this point I desperately wanted to be popular, and friendship seemed more important than boys, so I asked her to tell him to break up with him for me. She did. He came up to me later that day and said "Jennnifer Ayers said you wanted to break up with me, is that true?" I said "Yes, but I still want to be friends" and that was it. To this day, I have regrets about that. I could have handled the entire deal so much better. Jeremy and I broke up, then didn't talk much more after that. He was my first boyfriend. I'd love to talk to him again! I contribute the loss of this relationship to peer pressure. A stupid girl finally gets what she wants, then gives in to peer pressure because he's not "cool" enough.
The next two years are a blur-- I moved back to Utah, and went from a big fish in a small pond, to a small fish in a big pond. A lot more students and population!! I was a total dork. I'll never forget my first 8th grade assembly where I had to sit by myself, then listen to a girl talk on the bus ride home about how she had no one to walk between 4th and 5th period with, and how embarrassing that was. I may as well have been from another planet, and a loser. I remember a region dance for church where one guy named Mitch Schroeder asked me to dance. I thought this meant that he had a crush on me, but hindsight tells me that his best friend had a crush on my best friend, so he only asked me so his friend could ask her. I read too many teen romance novels at this point and fantasized about a real romantic realationship developing with this guy, but he never spoke to me again. I got over him, eventually. As far as I can remember, I have nothing to tell about 9th grade. Lots of depression, no romance.
Okay, this post is long enough, so I shall end it for now. I'll do a part II where I start with High School.
Lately I've been doing a High Fidelity deal where I've re-examined my past relationships and trying to figure out what went wrong. I'm going to talk about them, and on some of these, I'm going to use their real names because I'm hoping that by some small chance, one day they will google their names and see that I've talked about them, and contact me and let me know what they're up to.
***DISCLAIMER!*** This is only my side of the story. Each of these boys/guys have their own to tell. Please keep this in mind!
***DISCLAMER AGAIN!*** Because this is so long winded, this post only contains childhood through Jr. High. More to follow!
First relationship ever was with Jared Steenblik. I met Jared in my ward and knew him from baby age on up. Right before kindergarten, we were a hot item. I remember my 5th birthday, he gave me a box of play-dough. Later I went with my mom to drop the kids off, and when I got home, Jared was sitting at my kitchen table, playing with the play-dough he gave me. This is true romance for you-- after we dropped him off, he went into his backyard, cut across my best friend Emilie's back yard, and broke into my house which was 2 houses away. We spent Kindergarten chasing each other around the playground and sitting next to each other in class when we could, but the relationship had no chance. We were too young, and our parents wouldn't let us move in together. We were in different classes in 1st grade, so we only really saw each other in Primary each week. The relationship could not last, as I moved away and back a few times. We went to the same High School, though. We never talked to each other much, but made a point to sign each others yearbooks every year. He and I always had a special bond, there's something unique about maintaining a friendship with someone from your past like that.
After that, it was Chris Green. Chris was also in my ward, and a year younger than me. During the summers, his mom would babysit me a few times a week, so we were together often. One night his sister invited my sister over for a slumber party. I was jealous, and pitched a fit. So his mom said I could sleep over, too. We all slept in our sleeping bags in the living room. He fell asleep, and the girls stayed up to play truth or dare. My dare was to kiss him. Chris Green was my first kiss, and I'll never forget that! I moved the next year, and maybe said 5 additional words to him the rest of my life.
I had a crush on some kid in my 3rd grade class, and dammit I don't remember his name! I do remember fantasizing about showing up to school in a most beautiful princess gown, having him come up to me and kiss me. This was my first time feeling inferior to someone. He was "above my league", so to speak. The smartest, best looking kid in the class. No way would he like a dorky girl like me!
In 4th grade, I got to my desk one day with a note on it saying only "will you go weth me?" I looked around the class, couldn't figure out who it was from. I was grossed out by the idea, and threw the note away. It even had a decorated border! Later that day, a boy named Justin Hall walked up to my desk and slapped another piece of paper on my desk that said "WILL YOU GO WETH ME!!!" I freaked out, wrote "NO!!!!" On it, then slapped it back on his desk. Even then I was a spelling snob and said "Besides, I can't go out with a boy who can't even spell WITH!" After that, he tormented me with notes, then they got nasty. The day before Halloween, he passed me a note first thing in the morning that said "I'm going to screw you on Halloween". Yes people, this was in Bountiful Utah, and I was being threatened with rape at age 9. I didn't think to tell the teacher. That day during recess on the playground, he started chasing me, and I ran for my life. He chased me all over the place, relentlessly. I had some friends who saw was was going on and either ran with me, or tried to stop him in his tracks. When the bell rang, I ran into my class, and told my teacher what happened. The teacher called him up, had a few words with him, then sent me home for the rest of the day. As I recall, he never bothered me again after that. This was a truly horrifying moment for me. I moved away the year after that, and when I returned to Bountiful 6 years later, I asked about him. No one knew what happened to him. Sometimes I still wonder. Good enough reason why that couldn't happen, eh?
I moved to Germany just before 5th grade. I don't know what happened here, I wasn't boy crazy at all at this point, but I had several boys ask me to "go with them". I was a good mormon girl, and said no to each one of them. Even when the most popular boy, T.J. Daniels, asked me. My best friend Mandy started "going with" another boy named Cary Belmear, and they french kissed on the playground, in 5th grade!! Quite the scandal, clearly I wasn't ready for such antics.
At the end of 5th grade, a boy by the name of Jeremy Cochran moved and was new in my class. From the moment I saw him, I couldn't take my eyes off of him. But I wasn't one of the cute petite girls (always a bit on the taller side, myself) so he never had those same eyes for me. However, he and I became great friends, could really talk about stuff and things.
6th grade was boring. Not much to tell.
7th grade, Jeremy Cochran was in my band class. He was on the trumpet, I was on the flute. Again, I couldn't stop staring at him. We started of a conversation where we left off in 5th grade. I immediately re-ignited my crush. My relationship with him was rare, and I'm not just saying this because he was my first "Real" boyfriend (although we never kissed). He and I talked, flirted, and stared at each other for about 6 weeks before he asked me to "go with him", and I said yes. The weird thing about this relationship was that I dreamed the situation in its entirety the night before it happened.... in extreme details. He played football at the local rec center and asked me to go to the homecoming dance with him. Because I was a good mormon girl who couldn't date in an even extremely controlled environment (Pee-Wee football? Come on!), I had to say no. He still wanted to "go with me" anyway. After that, we both got nervous about the expectations and stopped talking. Didn't even pass notes. After a week I missed my friend and realized how pointless the relationship was, so I broke up with him, telling him I still wanted to be friends. Suddenly, we could talk and joke and hang out again. About a week later, I had another dream that he asked me to "go back with him". The next day, TO THE ENTIRETY, this happened. And I said YES!! This time, things were different. Keep in mind that in 7th grade world, 1 week seems like 1 month in the real world. ANYWAY, we started going out again. This time we didn't talk or hang out as much, but it was different from before. Then I started becoming popular. And my friend, Jennifer Ayers, found out that I was going with Jeremy. She looked at me one day and said "Jeremy Cochran?" And made the gagging sign with her finger and her throat. At this point I desperately wanted to be popular, and friendship seemed more important than boys, so I asked her to tell him to break up with him for me. She did. He came up to me later that day and said "Jennnifer Ayers said you wanted to break up with me, is that true?" I said "Yes, but I still want to be friends" and that was it. To this day, I have regrets about that. I could have handled the entire deal so much better. Jeremy and I broke up, then didn't talk much more after that. He was my first boyfriend. I'd love to talk to him again! I contribute the loss of this relationship to peer pressure. A stupid girl finally gets what she wants, then gives in to peer pressure because he's not "cool" enough.
The next two years are a blur-- I moved back to Utah, and went from a big fish in a small pond, to a small fish in a big pond. A lot more students and population!! I was a total dork. I'll never forget my first 8th grade assembly where I had to sit by myself, then listen to a girl talk on the bus ride home about how she had no one to walk between 4th and 5th period with, and how embarrassing that was. I may as well have been from another planet, and a loser. I remember a region dance for church where one guy named Mitch Schroeder asked me to dance. I thought this meant that he had a crush on me, but hindsight tells me that his best friend had a crush on my best friend, so he only asked me so his friend could ask her. I read too many teen romance novels at this point and fantasized about a real romantic realationship developing with this guy, but he never spoke to me again. I got over him, eventually. As far as I can remember, I have nothing to tell about 9th grade. Lots of depression, no romance.
Okay, this post is long enough, so I shall end it for now. I'll do a part II where I start with High School.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
If it didn't happen before "I Love You", then it didn't happen.
So says Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City.
I have become a newfound fan of Sex and the City. When it was in its regular run, I didn't have HBO, and was annoyed by Sarah Jessica Parker's public persona. The desire to watch the show wasn't there. Then the show started airing on TBS. So very curious, I decided to watch. Immediately, I was hooked!
This is a great show! I've only ever caught it on TBS or when I did a free trial of HBO last winter and watched a few episodes "On Demand". I LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE this show! I need to break down and buy the series on DVD. There is so much wisdom! I could have titled this post "Anything I Need to Know, I learned from Sex and the City". A few of my favorite quotes!: (There are others!)
Carrie: Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.
Carrie: That's the thing about needs. Sometimes when you get them met, you don't need them anymore.
Mr. Big: after a while, you just want to be with the one that makes you laugh.
Duncan: I'm just one of those weird male aberrations who prefers to be married. I like stability, I like routine. I like knowing there's people waiting for me at home. I guess that makes me sound pretty dull.
Miranda: Are you kidding? You're the heterosexual holy grail.
Charlotte: I have never done a number two at a boyfriend's place.
Samantha: Honey, you're so uptight, you need to do a number seven.
Carrie: I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love. And I don't think that love is here in this expensive suite in this lovely hotel in Paris.
Carrie: You shouldn't have to sacrifice who you are just because somebody else has a problem with it.
I could go on. I love the writing, the acting, the directing, and most of all, the location. How I wish I had friends like that, scenarios like that, living in a city like that. For now, I live vicariously through them. I had a friend ask me who I relate to the most. The answer? Everyone, on some level.
Miranda: I have an intellectual woman inside of me. Also, some great maternal insticts.
Samantha: What woman doesn't have a sex goddess inside of her? Not this one, anyway.
Carrie: She has amazing insight into her single and lovelife. Talented writer. Secure, confident. Is able to get together with some of the most amazing men. I feel like when she says or feels things, I'm right there with her. I know, sweetheart. I know.
Charlotte: The woman I relate to the most. I didn't want to like her at first because this actress was evil on Melrose Place. However, despite the physical similarites of long, straight dark hair, I love her assertiveness with men. She never loses her identity, despite being head over heals in love. She has scruples, yet is highly sexual.
PS- My BFF Shiree reminds me of Samantha, in looks and oozing sexuality. I'm just sayin'....!
Friday, June 01, 2007
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Priceless
Black capri sailor pants from Express: $60.00
Black strappy sandals from TJMaxx: $20.00
Black and white top from Vanity that is strategically revelealing: $25.00
Victoria's Secret Secret Embrace Push-Up Bra: $45.00
The look on the Elders Quorum Presidency sitting in a truck, tripping over themselves to be nice to me?:
PRICELESS.
Black strappy sandals from TJMaxx: $20.00
Black and white top from Vanity that is strategically revelealing: $25.00
Victoria's Secret Secret Embrace Push-Up Bra: $45.00
The look on the Elders Quorum Presidency sitting in a truck, tripping over themselves to be nice to me?:
PRICELESS.
Monday, May 21, 2007
Simply Exquisite!
I got to meet Sideon for lunch today! This man is every bit as charming, funny, fabulous, and real as his posts. It was all too short of a time, then I drove him back to the airport. He kept thanking me for the ride, but truly, I was the lucky one. Who else gets to spend one on one time with him? Besides... well... a number of other bloggers. But still, it was Pure.Heaven.
Until we meet again! ;-)
One last thing-- HAPPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY to every bloggers favorite sweetheart, Sister Mary Lisa! After I meet her, I can die happy.
Cheers!
Until we meet again! ;-)
One last thing-- HAPPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY to every bloggers favorite sweetheart, Sister Mary Lisa! After I meet her, I can die happy.
Cheers!
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Yup. It really *does* rule to be me!
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Ode to Costco
Costco Costco... how do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
***sidenote*** Remember my prediction about Google ruling the world one day? I still believe that. I think nothing would be better than to have the president of Google also be the one who calls the shots for the world. I want a google telephone line, ISP, computer, electricity, etc. etc. etc. I told my dad this one day and he agreed with me, but said they really ought to co-brand with Costco. Brilliant!! It is clear where I get my intelligence from, no?
On to my counting.
1. Customer services is unsurpassed. I have never had a bad experience with a Costco employee. It is clear to me that those who work there are treated very well, love their jobs, and have a ton of loyalty. I have been told that here in the Salt Lake City area, the Costco Checkers make $20 an hour! That is fantastic! Satisfied employees are a sure sign of a strong company.
2. The stores are always clean. This is a biggie for me. Even their public restrooms don't give me the heebie jeebies.
3. The food court pizza and hot dogs are fantastic! Not to mention CHEAP! And their churro's are a huge hit with my girls. Everything else there looks tasty as well. I can feed my entire family huge meals for less than $10!
4. The frozen entree's make me feel like I'm feeding my family delicious and healthy dinners. From the grilled chicken/artichoke heart ravioli, lasagna, french onion soup, teriyaki chicken and rice, it's all very tasty!
5. The Kirkland brand. Most anything that Kirkland puts their name on, you can pretty much guarantee that it's going to be the best of its product.
6. The return policy. They'll take anything back.
7. Their bakery is fabulous! The pastries are always perfectly moist, cakes are huge and yummy, their pumpkin pie makes it possible for me to never have to bake another pumpking pie again, the tiramasu is impressive to take to parties, and their cheesecake. Their CHEESECAKE!
8. Produce is alwasy fresh. Their avacados, mangos, mango slices, apples, oranges, pluots, lettuce, tomatoes... YUM!
9. Their meats are perfect cuts.
10. I can't believe I haven't mentioned their prices yet! The savings make the $50 membership worthwhile!
11. Clothes for kids and adults. Always in fashion and reasonably priced.
12. CHEAPER GASOLINE!
13. Whenever I have to bring something to a potluck, it's always something from Costco, whether it's a main dish, appetizer, or dessert. From the festive holiday cookie platters to the yummy artichoke jalapeno dip, it makes me look like I have the talent and skills of Martha!
14. Buying diapers and formula in bulk for baby twins. 'nuff said!
15. I've been replacing my old makeup with the Kirkland brand, and I love it!
16. Their flowers are always huge and fresh and beautiful.
17. CHEAPER GASOLINE!! I had to say it twice because it's so nice!
That's 17 ways so far, enough already! The point of this post is just to say, if there is life without Costco, I don't want to know what it's like.
***sidenote*** Remember my prediction about Google ruling the world one day? I still believe that. I think nothing would be better than to have the president of Google also be the one who calls the shots for the world. I want a google telephone line, ISP, computer, electricity, etc. etc. etc. I told my dad this one day and he agreed with me, but said they really ought to co-brand with Costco. Brilliant!! It is clear where I get my intelligence from, no?
On to my counting.
1. Customer services is unsurpassed. I have never had a bad experience with a Costco employee. It is clear to me that those who work there are treated very well, love their jobs, and have a ton of loyalty. I have been told that here in the Salt Lake City area, the Costco Checkers make $20 an hour! That is fantastic! Satisfied employees are a sure sign of a strong company.
2. The stores are always clean. This is a biggie for me. Even their public restrooms don't give me the heebie jeebies.
3. The food court pizza and hot dogs are fantastic! Not to mention CHEAP! And their churro's are a huge hit with my girls. Everything else there looks tasty as well. I can feed my entire family huge meals for less than $10!
4. The frozen entree's make me feel like I'm feeding my family delicious and healthy dinners. From the grilled chicken/artichoke heart ravioli, lasagna, french onion soup, teriyaki chicken and rice, it's all very tasty!
5. The Kirkland brand. Most anything that Kirkland puts their name on, you can pretty much guarantee that it's going to be the best of its product.
6. The return policy. They'll take anything back.
7. Their bakery is fabulous! The pastries are always perfectly moist, cakes are huge and yummy, their pumpkin pie makes it possible for me to never have to bake another pumpking pie again, the tiramasu is impressive to take to parties, and their cheesecake. Their CHEESECAKE!
8. Produce is alwasy fresh. Their avacados, mangos, mango slices, apples, oranges, pluots, lettuce, tomatoes... YUM!
9. Their meats are perfect cuts.
10. I can't believe I haven't mentioned their prices yet! The savings make the $50 membership worthwhile!
11. Clothes for kids and adults. Always in fashion and reasonably priced.
12. CHEAPER GASOLINE!
13. Whenever I have to bring something to a potluck, it's always something from Costco, whether it's a main dish, appetizer, or dessert. From the festive holiday cookie platters to the yummy artichoke jalapeno dip, it makes me look like I have the talent and skills of Martha!
14. Buying diapers and formula in bulk for baby twins. 'nuff said!
15. I've been replacing my old makeup with the Kirkland brand, and I love it!
16. Their flowers are always huge and fresh and beautiful.
17. CHEAPER GASOLINE!! I had to say it twice because it's so nice!
That's 17 ways so far, enough already! The point of this post is just to say, if there is life without Costco, I don't want to know what it's like.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
The Man who Rocks My World
Was born 47 years ago today. In those 47 glorious years, he has brought peace, kindness, hope, poetry, philosophy, and rock and roll to the world.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BONO!!!
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
I've been dumped
The therapist that written much about in several previous posts, that I worshipped and adored, has dumped me. :( Not really... her office is set up for short term help, and she said it was clear that I needed someone long term. Sadly, I have to move on.
She was amazing. She helped me learn so much about myself. She was able to clearly see some inner workings of my brain that I was never able to make sense of before. She helped me discover that writing (physically writing, not typing) is a lost art that I love.
I meet with a new woman this afternoon. Long term therapy, here I come!
She was amazing. She helped me learn so much about myself. She was able to clearly see some inner workings of my brain that I was never able to make sense of before. She helped me discover that writing (physically writing, not typing) is a lost art that I love.
I meet with a new woman this afternoon. Long term therapy, here I come!
Monday, May 07, 2007
The Banana Incident
In my previous post, I mentioned a banana incident. It's probably one of those situations that you had to be there to appreciate, but I'm going to tell the story anyway. I still giggle about it.
My second to last day in the hospital, I was sitting at a table in our dining area, with Zane and Scott. We were reading the paper, snacking, and having idle chit-chat. Scott got up to get some coffee, and Zane looks at me and says "Hey, check this out. I have no gag reflex!" He proceeds to unpeel a 9 inch banana, sticks it in his mouth and all the way down his throat, then pulls it back out, completely intact. My jaw dropped, I was in awe! Scott, the former police officer, raised his eyebrows and said "Just don't go walking around any SLC parks doing that, alright?" and left the room. As I was laughing at Scott's statement, Zane looked at me confused.
"Why can't I do that in any parks?"
"You know... SLC parks? Teehee! Wink Wink, nudge nudge!"
"I don't get it, can you spell it out for me?" Thank goodness, Scott walked back in. "Scott, Zane doesn't get your last statement, will you please explain it to him?"
Scott says "Look. When you go to certain areas of some of the larger SLC parks, like Fairmont or Liberty, it is notorious for closted gay men to park their cars and hook up. Some back in, some park forward, depending on their preference. If you walk in front of their cars sticking a banana down your throat like that, they're going to think you want a date. If that's not your thing, I suggest you don't do it." I had seen a few stories on the news over the years to know what Scott was talking about. Also, Scott used to patrol these areas.
Zane looked shocked, and we were laughing about it. As people came in the room, I said "Guess what! Zane can stick an entire banana down his throat and pull it back out!" The looks on their faces were priceless.
I gave it up. It was funny while it lasted, but I could tell that Zane was annoyed, I had told enough people, so I was done. At dinner time, Evan sat down next to me. I looked at his tray, and saw a large banana. I said:
"Evan, don't ask me any questions, but when Zane sits down, offer him your banana."
"Why?" Evan said.
"Don't ask questions! Trust me, just offer your banana to him. I'lll explain later. TRUST ME!"
Zane sat down at the table next to us, his back faced Evan's back. I couldn't have more perfectly planned their sitting.
After Zane sits down, Evan leans backward with his banana in hand and said "Hey Zane, would you like my banana?"
A bunch of people (that I had told the story to) start laughing. Zane laughed and gave me a dirty look. He then grabbed Evan's collar, grabbed his banana off his tray, and says "I've got my own, BITCH!" Both tables bursted with laughter. I was pretty proud of myself, thinking that there was no way I could have planned the entire situation better.
Then. Zane's mom comes out of the blue. "Hi Zane! I wanted to see how you were doing. Apparently you're just fine!"
You just can't plan these things.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
The People
"In a sky full of people, only some learn to fly. Isn't that Crazy" ~Seal
I want to write about some of the people that I met at the crazy place. None of their names are the actual names. These characters will likely come up in future blog posts. The following post was written for purely selfsih reasons, I don't expect anyone to really pay attention to it. I just didn't want to forget these details.
The first person I met was John. He is the man who came up to me my first night and told me that I was going to be okay. The next morning I was sitting on the couch in the dining area, and he sat next to me. He asked me if I was a cutter. I asked him if I looked like a cutter, and he said yes. I told him no, and told him what happened. He told me that he drove his car into a concrete wall on the freeway going 115 MPH. The airbags saved his life, and broke his ribs. John and I clicked immediately, he became one of my favorite people. He never got to move up to my unit but was given cafeteria priveleges, so I got to see him every day. Every time he saw me, he told me I looked 100 times better than I did the day before. Later he told me that my first night there I was so roughed up, I looked like a wrestler. We joked about that ever since.
After I moved into the adult unit, I met TJ. TJ seemed like a typical boyscout, and for some reason I felt safer having him there. He became my hero after he gave me one of his disposable razors so I didn't have to be an amazon woman anymore. (we were trusted with razors in the shower, but had to give them back). TJ also told me I looked better every time I saw him. One night we had a fire alarm go off at 3AM, and he was running up and down the halls banging on everyones door making sure they were awake (fals alarm). He was there for two weeks, and I never knew why.
Stuart. I could write poetry about Stuart. Possibly the most beautiful soul I have ever met. He is active LDS, has an adorable wife and baby son. He was very sad. For absolutely no reason. He said he's always suffered with depression. He was there for electric shock treatment. My first day there, I was napping in my room, and heard music down the hall. I thought it was the radio, so I went to see what was up. It was Stuart playing his guitar and singing "The World I Know" by Collective Soul. When he was done I asked him if he took requests, but unfortunately he didn't know anything by U2. He introduced himself to me, and after that, for some reason was comfortable with me. I found out later that he was excruciatingly shy and didn't introduce himself to anyone. He sat by me at group therapy sessions and at mealtimes. He played his guitar for us every night, it was a major mood boost. He was discharged the day before I was, and he was terrified to go home and face his reality. Such talent in this beautiful soul, such kindness. So much sadness. I don't get it. I just don't get it. I will always have a part of Stuart in my heart.
Sammie, my roommate. She is a southern belle that swears like a sailor, we got along great. She had some of the funniest sayings and was hilarious without trying. Sammie has lived alone most of her life. Her family lives across the country, and she has two cats for companions. She OD'd on over the counter pills with whiskey, because tired of her sad, lonely, and also overwhelming life. Going to this place was heaven for her. She was constantly surrounded by people who understood her, talked to her, and laughed with her. This was like a vacation at a restort for her. At night time, she would talk and talk and talk my ear off. One time I got up to go to the bathroom and closed the door. She kept talking to me. I shouted through the door "Sammie, I don't mean to be rude, but I have a shy bladder and can't talk and pee at the same time." And she said "oh, ok." then continued talking. *sigh* My last night there I tried going to bed after she was already asleep, but as soon as I entered the room, she started talking. No sleep for Christy.
Evan, former high school jock in his mid 20's. Alcoholic, drug addict, depressive. Very attractive guy, but was mostly stand-offish. However, once in awhile he would completely blow me away by sharing some deep, personal secrets. He had a great soul, just didn't want it to be widely known. He is staying there to detox, then entering a 30 day program to help him overcome his addictions. I admire him for having the strength to seek help at such a young age. He has a lot of bravery and I cross my fingers that he will make it.
Danny is 22, formerly in the Navy. Tall, thin, shoulder length curly dark hair with shine to make any girl green with envy. He also had tattoo's all over his body. I like to call him "Drama Queen". Every group session, we would brace ourselves for Danny to talk because he would go on and on and tell the same stories every time. He loved being the center of attention, loved being dramatic, loved the drugs he was getting (valium) to help him overcome anxiety and depression. He was a good guy, we had some good conversations. I don't know how he'll handle life in the real world, I'm afraid he'll go back to his old ways. He thought I was his age. Heh.
Hannah is also 22, she had been in the facility for two weeks, was still there when I left. This poor girl has experienced more pain and anguish in her life than anyone should ever have to in a million years. She watched her father kill her little brother when she was 4 and her brother was 18 months. He went to prison for 7 years then her mom welcomed him back home. She married her high school sweetheart when she was 18, he passed away in his sleep when they were 20. She has a quietly optimistic attitude. She was real.
Janet is a BYU student about to graduate, married in the temple with two kids, and is addicted to pain pills. She left the same day I did and is headed to a wilderness program in southern Utah for 35 days to overcome her addiction. She and I connected right away. After I was finally granted access to walk around without an escort, she and I went for a walk together. She told me "Christy, I just wanted to share something with you. Whenever people get up in sacrament meeting and say 'I know the church is true', I think that I just want to get up there and say 'the gospel of the church is true, but the people are not'". I just smiled and nodded, it wasn't the time to blow up and say "I didn't leave because I was offended! It was the history!".
Zane is a cool punk kid, and was kicked out of 3 universities for dealing drugs such as heroine, cocaine, and meth out of his dorm rooms. He dressed ultra hip and had gauges in his ears, with black spikey hair streaked with bright colors. This was his second attempt at detoxing. When his meds weren't kicking his ass and forcing him to sleep, he was funny, articulate, and intelligent. He is also the instigator of "The Banana Incident" that will deserve its own blog entry in the future. The night before I left, his friends called him and had relapsed. They said "Zane, you've relapsed before, you can relapse again! Fake it and get out of there and come do meth with us!" This devistated Zane and the doctors decided not to release him until he finds other methods of support when he leaves. When I left he gave me a big hug and wrote his number down and said "You better call me!".
Bob was a big brother/father figure to me. He is a rugged truck driver with a rough exterior but has the softest, most tender insides. He and I joked around a lot and had a lot of laughs together. Not once but twice he tried to force me to watch "Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy"... ugh! He's been unhappily married for 20 years, really wants a divorce, but has two daughters that he doesn't want to disappoint. One of his daughters was raped on easter two years ago, and he has a lot of residual anger from that. This recent easter, it all became too much for him, so he put a gun to his head and tried to pull the trigger, but it didn't go off. So then he took some anti anxiety meds with some whiskey. My last night there he banged on my bedroom door after I was asleep and said "GOODNIGHT!", reminding me of a pesky older brother.
The last person I'll write about is Scott. Scott is a former police officer for one of SLC's toughest neighborhoods. He was very attractive, in extremely great physical condition. His wife looked like a barbie doll and he had four above average looking children. You would never expect to see someone like him suffer with such severe depression. Scott was shot in the line of duty a few years ago, and had to medically retire. He told me that there is so much going on in our communities that doesn't make the 6 or 10 o'clock news.
There were many others. A retired school teacher. And alcoholic single mother. An alcoholic stay at home mom of four children. A beauty queen who suffers from narcotics addiction. A woman whose husband was leaving her after his 16th affair. The day before I left, two women detoxing from meth were admitted. I've never seen anyone detox before, it was quite the reality check. I never want to forget those images.
So many different people, so many different paths in life. Somehow, we all ended up at the same place at the same time, and had no masks to hide behind. Depression and addiction does not discriminate.
"Imagine all the people living for today" ~John Lennon
I want to write about some of the people that I met at the crazy place. None of their names are the actual names. These characters will likely come up in future blog posts. The following post was written for purely selfsih reasons, I don't expect anyone to really pay attention to it. I just didn't want to forget these details.
The first person I met was John. He is the man who came up to me my first night and told me that I was going to be okay. The next morning I was sitting on the couch in the dining area, and he sat next to me. He asked me if I was a cutter. I asked him if I looked like a cutter, and he said yes. I told him no, and told him what happened. He told me that he drove his car into a concrete wall on the freeway going 115 MPH. The airbags saved his life, and broke his ribs. John and I clicked immediately, he became one of my favorite people. He never got to move up to my unit but was given cafeteria priveleges, so I got to see him every day. Every time he saw me, he told me I looked 100 times better than I did the day before. Later he told me that my first night there I was so roughed up, I looked like a wrestler. We joked about that ever since.
After I moved into the adult unit, I met TJ. TJ seemed like a typical boyscout, and for some reason I felt safer having him there. He became my hero after he gave me one of his disposable razors so I didn't have to be an amazon woman anymore. (we were trusted with razors in the shower, but had to give them back). TJ also told me I looked better every time I saw him. One night we had a fire alarm go off at 3AM, and he was running up and down the halls banging on everyones door making sure they were awake (fals alarm). He was there for two weeks, and I never knew why.
Stuart. I could write poetry about Stuart. Possibly the most beautiful soul I have ever met. He is active LDS, has an adorable wife and baby son. He was very sad. For absolutely no reason. He said he's always suffered with depression. He was there for electric shock treatment. My first day there, I was napping in my room, and heard music down the hall. I thought it was the radio, so I went to see what was up. It was Stuart playing his guitar and singing "The World I Know" by Collective Soul. When he was done I asked him if he took requests, but unfortunately he didn't know anything by U2. He introduced himself to me, and after that, for some reason was comfortable with me. I found out later that he was excruciatingly shy and didn't introduce himself to anyone. He sat by me at group therapy sessions and at mealtimes. He played his guitar for us every night, it was a major mood boost. He was discharged the day before I was, and he was terrified to go home and face his reality. Such talent in this beautiful soul, such kindness. So much sadness. I don't get it. I just don't get it. I will always have a part of Stuart in my heart.
Sammie, my roommate. She is a southern belle that swears like a sailor, we got along great. She had some of the funniest sayings and was hilarious without trying. Sammie has lived alone most of her life. Her family lives across the country, and she has two cats for companions. She OD'd on over the counter pills with whiskey, because tired of her sad, lonely, and also overwhelming life. Going to this place was heaven for her. She was constantly surrounded by people who understood her, talked to her, and laughed with her. This was like a vacation at a restort for her. At night time, she would talk and talk and talk my ear off. One time I got up to go to the bathroom and closed the door. She kept talking to me. I shouted through the door "Sammie, I don't mean to be rude, but I have a shy bladder and can't talk and pee at the same time." And she said "oh, ok." then continued talking. *sigh* My last night there I tried going to bed after she was already asleep, but as soon as I entered the room, she started talking. No sleep for Christy.
Evan, former high school jock in his mid 20's. Alcoholic, drug addict, depressive. Very attractive guy, but was mostly stand-offish. However, once in awhile he would completely blow me away by sharing some deep, personal secrets. He had a great soul, just didn't want it to be widely known. He is staying there to detox, then entering a 30 day program to help him overcome his addictions. I admire him for having the strength to seek help at such a young age. He has a lot of bravery and I cross my fingers that he will make it.
Danny is 22, formerly in the Navy. Tall, thin, shoulder length curly dark hair with shine to make any girl green with envy. He also had tattoo's all over his body. I like to call him "Drama Queen". Every group session, we would brace ourselves for Danny to talk because he would go on and on and tell the same stories every time. He loved being the center of attention, loved being dramatic, loved the drugs he was getting (valium) to help him overcome anxiety and depression. He was a good guy, we had some good conversations. I don't know how he'll handle life in the real world, I'm afraid he'll go back to his old ways. He thought I was his age. Heh.
Hannah is also 22, she had been in the facility for two weeks, was still there when I left. This poor girl has experienced more pain and anguish in her life than anyone should ever have to in a million years. She watched her father kill her little brother when she was 4 and her brother was 18 months. He went to prison for 7 years then her mom welcomed him back home. She married her high school sweetheart when she was 18, he passed away in his sleep when they were 20. She has a quietly optimistic attitude. She was real.
Janet is a BYU student about to graduate, married in the temple with two kids, and is addicted to pain pills. She left the same day I did and is headed to a wilderness program in southern Utah for 35 days to overcome her addiction. She and I connected right away. After I was finally granted access to walk around without an escort, she and I went for a walk together. She told me "Christy, I just wanted to share something with you. Whenever people get up in sacrament meeting and say 'I know the church is true', I think that I just want to get up there and say 'the gospel of the church is true, but the people are not'". I just smiled and nodded, it wasn't the time to blow up and say "I didn't leave because I was offended! It was the history!".
Zane is a cool punk kid, and was kicked out of 3 universities for dealing drugs such as heroine, cocaine, and meth out of his dorm rooms. He dressed ultra hip and had gauges in his ears, with black spikey hair streaked with bright colors. This was his second attempt at detoxing. When his meds weren't kicking his ass and forcing him to sleep, he was funny, articulate, and intelligent. He is also the instigator of "The Banana Incident" that will deserve its own blog entry in the future. The night before I left, his friends called him and had relapsed. They said "Zane, you've relapsed before, you can relapse again! Fake it and get out of there and come do meth with us!" This devistated Zane and the doctors decided not to release him until he finds other methods of support when he leaves. When I left he gave me a big hug and wrote his number down and said "You better call me!".
Bob was a big brother/father figure to me. He is a rugged truck driver with a rough exterior but has the softest, most tender insides. He and I joked around a lot and had a lot of laughs together. Not once but twice he tried to force me to watch "Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy"... ugh! He's been unhappily married for 20 years, really wants a divorce, but has two daughters that he doesn't want to disappoint. One of his daughters was raped on easter two years ago, and he has a lot of residual anger from that. This recent easter, it all became too much for him, so he put a gun to his head and tried to pull the trigger, but it didn't go off. So then he took some anti anxiety meds with some whiskey. My last night there he banged on my bedroom door after I was asleep and said "GOODNIGHT!", reminding me of a pesky older brother.
The last person I'll write about is Scott. Scott is a former police officer for one of SLC's toughest neighborhoods. He was very attractive, in extremely great physical condition. His wife looked like a barbie doll and he had four above average looking children. You would never expect to see someone like him suffer with such severe depression. Scott was shot in the line of duty a few years ago, and had to medically retire. He told me that there is so much going on in our communities that doesn't make the 6 or 10 o'clock news.
There were many others. A retired school teacher. And alcoholic single mother. An alcoholic stay at home mom of four children. A beauty queen who suffers from narcotics addiction. A woman whose husband was leaving her after his 16th affair. The day before I left, two women detoxing from meth were admitted. I've never seen anyone detox before, it was quite the reality check. I never want to forget those images.
So many different people, so many different paths in life. Somehow, we all ended up at the same place at the same time, and had no masks to hide behind. Depression and addiction does not discriminate.
"Imagine all the people living for today" ~John Lennon
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
A conversation I never thought I would have with my dad
Me: I appreciate mom's offer to come help me finish unpacking, but I don't want her to see that I have beer in my fridge.
Dad: You know, I love beer, I always have. I would be fine with just keeping some of the non-alcoholic kind on hand because I just like the taste. But she could not handle that.
Dad: You know, I love beer, I always have. I would be fine with just keeping some of the non-alcoholic kind on hand because I just like the taste. But she could not handle that.
Monday, April 23, 2007
My Forecast
In the future, I have no idea what year, I believe that Google will and should take over the world.
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