Truth be told, I've been struggling with this blog thing for the past few months. Some days I think I should delete it and pretend it never existed. Some days I miss the days when I had something to say. Some days I miss the days when I felt unguarded and authentic.

Sincere apologies to those of you who check in on my blog on a semi-regular basis. I know you're there, and I feel like I've failed you. I'm not sure why you bother, but at the same token, I'm glad you do. It gives me some sense of importance, even if I don't know who you are.

When I started blogging, it was *somewhat* anonymous. I started because my friends Eric and Laura were active bloggers (they are now divorced), and this seemed like a good source of communication with them, and other ex-mormon bloggers. I was befriended immediately by many great people including sistermarylisa, who I now consider a very close, personal friend.

When I started blogging, I felt welcomed, and part of an amazing community. I miss that feeling, as most of us have become sporadic at best.

In the past couple of years, I've had many new readers-- including siblings, parents, future dates, message board buddies, boyfriends, ex-boyfriends, co-workers of boyfriends and ex-boyfriends, random strangers I don't know of, co-workers, and life-long friends. Some of these have even been invited by yours truly! However, knowing that they're there, has left me guarded and insecure about what I write.

There have been so many things this past year that I haven't blogged about. Things that I didn't feel like I could be expressive about, because then some of the aforementioned people would know what I was *really* feeling or experiencing.

So yeah, that leaves me feeling stuck and unmotivated. I don't know when or if I'll return to regular posting. If you want to know what I'm up to, look me up on Facebook.

I can't stop smiling!

Tomorrow, my friend since 1982 is visiting me. I haven't seen her since 1983 or 1984, I can't remember. She is moving from the east coast to the west-- going to Law School in Seattle!

I named my first born daughter Alexa after her. She is stopping by here on her way and staying with me.... I just spoke to her on the phone and gave her directions.

I literally cannot stop smiling. I am SO excited to see her again! I'm wondering where in SLC I should take her for dinner.... hmmmmm

Pictures to follow!

Say Cheese!

Yesterday was picture day at my girls school. This is a picture I took of them from my iPhone in the morning, to show what their hair looked like BEFORE recess.

Yeah, freakin' adorable. I know!

Cancer Sucks

I have a pin on my cubical wall with that statement. There is no other way to put it. I can't think of a single thing in the world that I hate more than cancer. It doesn't just suck, it FUCKING sucks.

I've known way too many people, too many REALLY GOOD PEOPLE, affected by this monster. Most recently, the little boy of my friends Jake and Amie. Kris.

This is a three year old boy. He has big brown eyes and extremely long eyelashes. He has two big brothers who adore him and miss him dearly, and parents who haven't had any time to sleep or eat properly in the past couple of weeks.

The prognosis is as "good as can be". He's got a malignant tumor, but the doctors say it's very treatable. However, he still has to undergo several rounds of chemo.

I got to visit them at the hospital tonight. This little guy is brave, strong, and adorable. I wanted to wrap in in my arms and make it all go away. His parents are weary but amazingly hanging in there. Whatever you do for positive energy, be it praying, meditation, healing vibes, whatever-- please keep this little man in mind. This hit them like a ton of bricks and out of the blue. My heart breaks for them, yet I'm in awe of their strength.

Kris, this cancer will be killed. I know it will be!

I'm scattered and unorganized lately

I feel like everything around me is unknown and chaotic. I have a scab on my right arm near my elbow, that I've been picking at for MONTHS. It's not going away, yet I keep picking at it. There's always that mark. I can't leave it alone. It doesn't hurt, but it's there. I know I need to stop touching it to make it go away, but I can't. For unknown reasons, I can't. I'm looking forward to sweater season so that it's not exposed anymore, and I don't have to answer any questions about it.

Switching topics, today I visited my baby nephew. I can't get enough of this guy. He is so happy, so absolutely adorable. He's cuddly and lets me just hold him... and the entire time he's smiling and showing off his big brown eyes and long eyelashes. I'm not a baby person... but if I go a week without seeing him, I miss him. I crave him. I want nothing more than to hold him in my arms and sing to him... he's the greatest audience ever. My love for him is pure, and the feeling is amazing.

To bring it home, this makes me realize how much I love my family. When it comes to families, I've hit the jackpot. We've had our Jerry Springer moments, for sure. Every family does. I have amazing love for everyone in my family. We don't ever express that to each other.... but it's there. My parents are incredible. Not perfect, but spectacular. My siblings are great. My nieces and nephews are gorgeous. I'm just so lucky to have all of them.

If any of them read this, and I suspect they do... I love you.

No seriously... WTF!?!?!

In October of 2004, there was a huge push in Utah's politics to legally define marriage as between one woman and one man. The LDS church had letters read over the pulpits, encouraging its members to vote in favor of the legal definition. This was a huge struggle for me. I was a strong believing, contributing member of the church. I wanted to make the right decisions and actions to uphold my good girl image and high standing status. I wanted to be "right" in the eyes of God. But this? This went against my nature. It violated my internal instincts.

It never made sense to me that Marriage was a law of god. What about all of those married people who don't believe in God? Never have? What about my gay friends and family members who are every bit as excellent as my good mormon friends, who would be hurt by this measure? What about the LDS church saying that they stay out of politics and encourage members to prayerfully vote? I prayed about it, but I was not getting any warm fuzzies.

I posed the question on an LDS parenting board that I was a part of. I stated that I wanted to do the right thing, but I really didn't agree with what we were being told was right. I was very conflicted. The response I got was "Who cares if you have loved ones who are gay? What if you had loved ones that were addicted to drugs or alcohol... would you think twice about taking those away?!?"

Really? Did they really say that? Did they really compare a persons natural instincts of loving to being addicted to drugs or alcohol? Really? (For the record, I do not believe that our sexual orientation is a choice. Ask any hetero if they chose to be, and they'll tell you no. Homosexuals will also tell you no. I do not believe sexual preference is a choice we have control over. I don't see how it's possible.)

This was a huge ignitor in my disaffection flame. However, come time to go to the polls and vote, I ignored my conscious and voted the way "The Lord" would want me to. I can't think of a single decision I've had more regret over since this. Yes, I live in Utah and my vote wouldn't have made a difference, but at least I would be satisfied with sending the message saying "Not ALL of us agree with this!"

In California, Proposition 8 is on the ballot for these upcoming elections. Prop 8 would amend the California Consititution with a new section that would read "only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California." The measure, as submitted for the ballot by petitioners, is called the "California Marriage Protection Act."

Yes, this is California and doesn't affect me directly. However, I find it absolutely detestible that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is encouraging its members to vote in favor of this initiative. They're having letters read over the pulpit, and basically offering the TBM's "An offer they cannot refuse". They are bullying, and just downright WRONG. They need to take their black suit white shirt noses OUT of this, and focus on more important things. Such as third world hunger, education, and debt relief. A church this powerful could do so much more for the overall world progression than by convincing members in California to vote against gay marriage.

I won't assume that everyone who reads this blog has the same political affiliations that I do. For this reason, I rarely post political stances on my blog. However, if you're so inclined, please sign for something! I've got my real first and last name on that list, and I'm proud of it. What the church is doing is just wrong, no matter how you feel on the subject of gay marriage.

I've been a slacker

A few updates on my mundane life:

I'm finally entirely moved out of my old place, and un-packing hell has begun in my new place. I hate the fact that I have so much stuff. I really don't use it all or need it, but for some reason I'm afraid to get rid of stuff. Honestly, if a match were to be lit on the boxes I packed, I doubt I could even remember what half of it was. All this being said, I still love the new place, the new neighborhood, and my girls new school.

Speaking of my girls! They started 1st grade a couple of weeks ago. So far they think that having a hot lunch and two recesses is the bomb. Everything else is just stuff they have to deal with. They're both doing really well with their reading and writing, still seem to be a little behind in comprehension (much like I am!). Last week, they informed me that I no longer need to walk them to their door. I can just drop them off at the curb and they "know the directions to first grade". *sigh* that was a little hard for me to let go of. At least they'll still hug and kiss me in front of their friends.

My parents had their 48th anniversary yesterday, wow! Not bad for two people who were engaged the night they met. I gave up the illusion that their marriage and relationship was perfect a few years ago. That was a harsh reality to face! But they've hung in there, and remain and inspiration to me.

I haven't had TV or internet at home for the past month, because of the move and comcasts attitude of "We have no competition in the area, you just have to sit and be patient until we can be bothered to install". I finally got it yesterday! And the timing couldn't be better, there's a new episode of the new 90210 tonight! w00t!

Silly Emotions

Last night my parents took my daughters and me out to dinner to celebrate their first full day of First Grade. I'll talk about that experience and update on my daughters in a future post. We went to the Spaghetti Factory at Trolley Square, because that's Emilie and Alexa's favorite restaurant.

We sat down, and I noticed a familiar woman sitting two tables in front of us. I leaned over to my mom and said "Is that Char Peters (fake name)?" She confirmed that it was.

Char Peters is the mother of the first man who ever truly broke my heart. Her son was my first true love. I had broken hearts and lost love before him, but he was the first person who swept me off my feet, and we had a very intense few months, before he broke up with me for a friend of mine whom he later married. I've blogged about this in my past relationships series.

Char and my mother were very good friends, both before and after I dated her son. Naturally, my mom went over to their table to say hello. When they were finished eating, they came over to our table to see my girls and me. While there, she proceeded to give me and update on my ex-boyfriend and his wife. They're still married, it's been 14 years. They have 4 children, and he's been in 13 marathons. She's started her MBA program this fall. Sounds like everything is going fucking fantastic for them.

I don't begrudge them their happiness, not at all. I've moved on in life, and mostly believe that it's a good thing that I didn't get married to him. However, I was stunned that seeing his parents and talking to them brought back so many emotions and feelings. I'm supposed to be non-plussed by that, aren't I? I mean it's been 14 years. I'm an entirely different person than I was back then.

I'm trying to imagine what Char and her husband will say to her son and his wife about seeing me. I provided no update to them about my life, I just smiled, introduced my daughters, and told them that it was nice to see them again. At least I looked great.

I've moved on up

to the East Side! For reals....

I'm almost completely moved in my new home. I still have odds and ends to finish up in my old place, but everything important is moved and settled. I really love my new place! It's not ideal forever, but it's perfect for me, for now. For the first time in a really long time, I'm sleeping the entire night through. I live in a quiet, clean, peaceful neighborhood. I have a most magnificent view of the Cottonwood mountains. I'm a hop, skip, and a jump away from so many unique and interesting shops and restaurants, not to mention the canyons. I'm truly happy there!

Okay, that's enough gushing. I have more important matters to talk about. Prepare to laugh.

I began packing more than a week in advance. My dad hired some movers to help, and he was going to help as well. Given this fact, I took special care to pack away my nighstand early on. I marked it "Christy's Room" and sealed the box. I'm not trying to give TMI, but I *am* a single woman with needs. Also, a former friend of mine sent me a playboy subscription for Christmas last year. I won't lie, I enjoy the magazine, and it's not just for the articles. I carefully packed those away, too. I checked under my bed, more than once, just to make sure everything was taken care of. Other than a couple of old pillows that I don't use anymore, I saw nothing.

Yeah, you know where this is going.

While the movers were packing the truck, I ran up to my new condo to get the keys. I returned to my old apartment and was in the living room talking to my dad. I could hear the movers in one of the rooms behind me, laughing. I assumed they were just talking to each other, inside joke or whatever. They cleared my bed and frame from my room, and I went in to take a look.

There on the floor, for all to see.... yeah. And not just any toy, oh no. But it was a baton that has a whip on one side, and feathers on the other. *****I'VE NEVER USED THIS FOR ITS INTENDED PURPOSE!!!!!!***** It was a prop for my halloween costume, I promise! I was a dominatrix for halloween! It must have fallen out of my bag and got shoved under my bed, where it's been ever since! I missed packing a playboy, too.

OH.MY.GOD. !!! !!!

I wanted to be swallowed up in a hole to die. The movers are guys that my brother knows. ACK! They couldn't just find a vibrator, but they had to find the kinkiest toy I own (besides the fuzzy handcuffs, which were also part of the costume!).

I picked it up and threw it in my closet. I could not look the movers in the eyes the rest of the day... and they had to keep asking me questions. They had to go back in to get my nightstands, so they know that I knew that they knew.

I can laugh about it now, but this is my new "Most Embarrassing Moment".

Iphone blogging

Iphone blogging

Sent from my iPhone

How Unfortunate

I had a fortune cookie today... my fortune reads "Today is a good day for being with a companion".     Great. does somebody wanna find me on

We've all been there

Finally an embarrassing story at work that didn't happen to me!

Yesterday afternoon, most people were gone for the day, except for myself and a man who sits over the cubicle wall, so it was very quiet. A colleague from a different department stopped by to ask me some questions, and he was standing next to me looking at my monitor. I was mid-sentence in response, when out of nowhere, he lit a big, huge, FART.

What could I do? I kind of looked at him, looked at my screen, the wall behind me... "do I acknowledge it? Do I pretend like it didn't happen? Oh, it happened, and LOUD. Do I crack a joke? I can't think of what to say!!" So I picked up where I left off, and tried to continue answering his question.

His face turned bright red, and without looking at me he said something like "Well, now that's happened" and we both just burst out laughing. The man sitting over the wall from me said "That's okay, I do that at home all the time!" And the three of us were crying, because we were laughing so hard.

I tried to make him feel better by telling him that the average human needs to fart at least five times a day in order to be healthy. And hell, if he's going to embarrass himself, at least it's in front of me and not his director or VP. After that, he said "I think I'm just going to leave now. We can talk about my questions later."

He was a class act today though... he came over to my desk first thing this morning, and said "I just wanted to see if the air has cleared over here." laughter ensued. I still giggle thinking about it. Happens to the best of us, eh?

In other news, I've found a new place to live, and am in the process of packing and moving, hence my less frequent blogging. I'm terribly excited... I'm moving to a terrific location with one of the best schools in the county (according to their test scores and parent reviews). The location is near the mouth of the cottonwood canyons, within walking distance of a great recreation center, and just around the corner from one of my closest long-time friends. It's going to give me a whole new lease on life, and I can't wait!

If that's what you're into!

This past weekend was glorious. The time spent in Park City with my friends was incredible, and ended all too soon. I hope we do this again next year! We had some great conversations, great food, fun times, dancing, coaster riding, zip-lining, hiking, hot tubbing, cops being called on us....

Oh yeah. The cops were called on us, TWICE! Once it was because some of the cars were parked diagonally (we did the best we could with limited pace. We ultimately accomodated the neighbors, even though the patrol said we were just fine.) The second time, the cops found us sitting in the living room and talking, listening to Enya. Yeah, big threat. At 8:30 at night!! oooooh. Be careful. Clearly, the cops saw nothing wrong, once again.

Unfortunately, because I took up running a month ago, my knees were in bad shape. I ignored the pain for so long, that by saturday, they were mostly out of comission. I had to use my upper body strength everywhere I went. I was in severe pain! Luckily, one of my friends is a doctor, and he called in a perscription of Lortab for me.

I spent saturday afternoon/evening on Lortab while everyone else went to a free reggae concert. These pills made me very, very happy and loopy. I sat and watched several episodes of "Flight of the Conchords". The following scene made me laugh SO MUCH, that I had to share it.



If you want me to, I can hang 'round with you
If I only knew, that's what you're into

You and him, him and you
If that's what you're into
Him hangin' round, around you
You hangin' round, yeah you're there too

And if you want me to, I will take off all my clothes for you
I'll take off all my clothes for you
If that's what you're into

How 'bout him in the nude?
If that's what you're into
In the nude in front of you
Is that what you'd wanna view?

If it's cool with you, I'll let you get naked too
It could be a dream come true, providing that's what you are into

Is that what you're into?
Him and you in the nude?
That's what he's prepared to do
Is that the kind of thing that you think you might be into?

And then maybe later we'll get hot by the refrigerator
In the kitchen next to the pantry
You think that might be what you fancy?

In the buff, bein' rude
Doin' stuff with the food
Gettin' nude with his food
We heard that's what you are into

Then on our next date
well you could bring your roommate
I don't know if Stu is keen to
But maybe we could double team you

How 'bout you and two dudes?
Him, you, and Stu in the nude
Bein' lewd with two dudes with food
Well that's if Stu's into it too

All the things I do
The things I'd do for you
If I only knew, that's what you're into

Time for R&R

I've been pretty stressed lately, have had a lot on my mind. Work's been busy, and yes, I'm still working out physically. I haven't blogged about it because I don't want to jinx it... but truth be told, life can only be great if you work at it. Things just don't come easily. At least not for me!

This weekend, some of my friends are embarking of our annual summer trip together. Last year we went to Las Vegas, and discovered that the most fun we had, was when we were all together, talking, relaxing, just having fun. This year, we decided to make our trip to Park City. It's close! Inexpensive! Fun!!!

We've rented a really great house just off of Main Street, we'll be in walking distance of most things. Some are planning on white water rafting, others are looking forward to outlet shopping. I hope to fit in a nice hike. Regardless, it's going to be great! I'm just looking forward to the rest, relaxation, and surrounding myself with some of my most favorite people for a few days.

I hope everyone has a great weekend!

I know Shakespeare is a dead white guy, but he knows his shit!

I love Shakespeare. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE Shakespeare. William Shakespeare had a way with words, bar none to anyone else. Most importantly, no one can throw an insult like Shakespeare. While I love some of the modern day adaptations, I'm pretty much a purist. I don't need his words "Dumbed Down" for me. I take sincere pleasure in his lacy, frilly bitterness.

Some of my favorite Shakespeare insults:

Your bum is the greatest thing about you; so that in the beastliest sense, you are Pompey the Great.

Would thou wert clean enough to spit upon!

Out of my sight! Thou dost infect my eyes.

Drop into the rotten mouth of death.

Confusion now hath made his masterpiece!

Thou art a wretch whose natural gifts were poor.

Thy kiss is comfortless as frozen water to a starved snake.

Come, you are a tedious fool. To the purpose.

Thou art unfit for any place but hell.

There is one modern day adaptation that I adore, on so many levels. This is the movie, "10 Things I Hate About You". This movie rocked my world from my first viewing of it. I've been told by many people, from different aspects of my life, that Julia Stiles character reminds them of me. I can't deny it-- I watch this movie and see myself, both in looks and attitude.



I won't explain why. Just watch the movie. :) 10 Things I Hate About You is an adaptation of "Taming of the Shrew".

"Just because you're beautiful, doesn't mean you can treat people like they don't matter!"

"Have you always been this selfish?"

"Remove head from sphincter, THEN drive!"

"Has the fact that you're completely psycho managed to escape your attention?"

"Don't, for one minute, think that you had any effect whatsoever on my panties."

"'Heinous bitch' is the term used most often."

"Why can't you be NORMAL?!?!"

"Where did you come from? Planet "Loser"?

"Expressing my opinion is not a terrorist action."

"Someday, you gonna get bitch-slapped and I'm not gonna do a thing to stop it."

"What is it, Asshole Day?"

I confess, I watched this movie tonight, not just for Shakesperean adaptation greatness, but out of memory of Heath Ledger. This was the first movie I noticed him in, and have loved him since. His passing shocked me and saddened me greatly. He was phenominal in everything he's done. No, I haven't seen "The Dark Knight" yet, but I can't wait.

RIP Heath Ledger. He was more than just an amazing actor.

Facebook, Past Relationships, Guilty Pleasures... and other random thoughts

I'm working from home today, to test my employers catastrophe continuation plan. I've got VH1's top 20 playing in the background, for mindless noise. Don't judge- daytime TV really sucks and if I pop in a DVD, I'll be watching that and not working. (No, I'm not working right now, just taking a break!)

So one of the songs in the Top 20 is by the Pussycat Dolls. They're a guilty pleasure of mine, so I watched the video. If I had the looks and body to get away with what they do, you BET I would! I can't remember the name of the song, but the catchy chorus said something to the effect of "Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it". This has always been a favorite saying of mine, because it's so true. We spend our lives wishing for, hoping for, wanting wanting WANTING, and then what happens when we get it? Either it fails to meet our expectations, or we tire of it and want more more MORE! It's like a dog or cat chasing their tail.

It reminded me of some of my past relationships, and the boys/men that I've pined for. Just like my most recent post of finding my dear Alexa on Facebook, I've also found past relationships and major crushes there. It's voyeuristically thrilling for me to peak in on their lives. I won't mention their names now like I have in the past, because I'm talking of how I see them today. One guy I'm still crushing on, and probably always will. He's turned into an amazing man who has done very well for himself. Even if he's a [self proclaimed] right wing nutjob, he's still sexy as hell (all in the intellect, baby!), and if he weren't happily married, I'd try to make my make-out fantasy happen. Another guy is the one that I have always wondered "What if....?" about. Now that I've had a peak into his world, I can wipe my brow in relief and think "Thank GOD nothing came of that!" Another one has a lovely jumper-clad wife. And that's all I will say about that! :)

Yeah... with one exception, I'm glad I didn't get what I wished for. Funny that. Certainly gives a gal some perspective, but it does make me wonder how or when I'll ever just be okay with what is? Until I know, my brain will keep thinking.

Technology and Innovation rocks!

As if you didn't already know....

Thank whoever is out there for Facebook. This last week, I was contacted by a dear friend that I've had for a very long time. I named my firstborn after her, which clearly means that she had a significant impact on my life.

When I was 7, my dad was transferred to Germany by his employer. Our entire family had to pack up and leave everything that we had ever known. Everything that was familiar. I was only 7, but had 4 older siblings and endured their lamenting. I was mostly sad about leaving behing my best friend Emilie (who I named my second-by-two-minutes-after!). I vividly remember the process. I remember my dad going ahead of us, a few months... while my mom packed up a house of 5 kids and all their junk. I had absolutely no clue what to expect. We had some friends who spent some time in Germany, come to our house and tell us about the Berlin Wall (This was 1982).

I remember the plane ride. My mom got me a little sailor dress to wear. We all dressed up to ride the plane. I remember saying goodbye to friends and family at the airport. I especially remember my grandmothers teary eyes taking a different shape. I got sick on the plane, and the flight attendants brought me coke. My mom and her 5 kids took up an entire middle section and window seats.

I was nervous, scared, but excited! I had an incredible family, so I never had a real sense of insecurity. Mostly, I was going to miss Emilie. She was my very best friend that I knew since she was born. But I was about to move into a 2 story house with stairs and a balcony! Our house in Utah was all on one level.

We moved to a very secluded village. My parents wanted us to have the real "German" experience, so my dad refused the airforce base housing. We had a mini-wall around our house, with a big field behind us, and the most gorgeous forrest across the street. If I recall correctly, this village was 30 minutes away from anything major. We were waaaay out there, in Vogelbach Germany. Living there was a real shock. No one spoke my language, and the money was so different looking. This was a major, major adjustment. There were a few other americans in the same village. One of them was close to my age, just one year younger! Her name is Alexa.

Alexa and I lived on the same street. Our mothers, while extremely different individuals with a huge difference in age, became fast friends. Alexa and I were pretty much inseperable. We were in each others lives for less than 2 years, but so much of that 2 years remains solid in my memory, and has absolutely shaped my life.

In that two years:
I got lost in Switzerland when traveling with her parents.
Same trip-- I dared her to run around the camping trailer without a shirt on. (I guess I've always been naughty)
We got our long hair cut into Annie perm's... (We loved the movie Annie!)
We had sleepovers nearly every weekend.
We went to church with each other.
My mom taught her how to say her "R"'s in our kitchen
We learned how to tell the time together
We equally loved the Smurfs!
We saw E.T. together in the theater!
We bought books of fake tattoo's together
I snuck into the forrest with her one day, hoping to find a swimming hole. My parents forbade me, but I did it anyway. My mom caught us. This was the first and only time I've ever been grounded.
We swam at the nearest pool. I can see the pool, I can remeber the grounds and entrance fee, but can't remember the name of the town. I think it began with an "R".
If neither of us had a toy that we wanted, we tried to find a way to make it. More importantly, we made it work for us!
We got our first wrist watches on the same Christmas.

Then the real emotions started:
Her parents started arguing, a lot. It turned into loud screaming matches. They would go in their room and close the door and fight... but Alexa's room was across the hall, and we could hear them. I told her that whenever my parents fought, I was afraid they would get a divorce. She didn't know what that meant, so I explained it to her.

One morning before school, she rang the doorbell, as she always did. She had breakfast at our house and we walked to the bus stop together. Except for this day, she was crying. I asked her what was wrong, and she told me "It's the bad word you taught me, that begins with "D"" I knew what she meant. Divorce. "Are your parents getting a divorce?" I asked. "Yes" she said. We hugged each other and bawled. I was 8 years old at the time, she was 7. This was the first time that Divorce ever hit close to home, and in my mind, it was the worst thing that could ever possibly happen.

Soon after, she, along with her mom and brother, moved away from Germany. I can still picture her turning around and waving at me, from the back seat of her car. She was my best friend, and then she was gone.

This was so hard for me. I still missed Emilie from the states, but now I missed Alexa, too. A few months from this time, my family moved back to Utah. Throughout the years, I had brief contact with Alexa. Her mom had business in Utah once that I can remember, so she visited us then. I talked to Alexa on the phone a few times, but most recently, it was just before I got married to Jeremy.

To recap: I talked to her 11 years ago, and haven't seen her since I was 8. I always knew I would name my first daughter after her. I love the name Alexa, and I loved the first Alexa I ever knew. I made a few attempts to contact her in the pas t11 years, but to no avail. Until last week, when I got a message from her on Facebook.

My god, this girl who is now a woman, is stunningly gorgeous. We had a long telephone conversation, and she still talks the same, laughs the same... wow! We've gone most of our lives not seeing each other, barely talking to each other, but absolutely pick up where we left off, and totally claim our love for each other. We've been in each others hearts and minds for so many years.

She's a rare, unique, gorgeous, amazing human being. I couldn't be more proud to name my daughter after her. Here is a picture of her, taken last year:


I can still see and hear the 7 year old in her. But that's non-important. To me, she is eternal. She is how she always was, and always will be. I'm so, so glad to have her in my life again!

@*#$&#$*&!!!

Just Fuck.

I've not had a lot of things go my way lately. I don't have a lot to be happy about. I'm doing my best to keep my chin up and keep going up, but I've gotta say, sometimes the world can really suck.

I've lived in a hole of an apartment since March 2007. My lease is up this month. I've advised that I'm out at the end of the month, and my search for a new place has begun.

I found the perfect place. It was perfect! It was new, it was safe and secure, and it was in my budget. When I toured the place, I found that there were 5 others interested. The lady giving the showing was obviously TBM, and didn't have a lot of time for me. I wore khaki capri's, and a black shirt. The shirt wasn't entirely garment friendly. I wore sandals as well, so my ankle tattoo was visible.

I found out that 5 other people were interested. When I submitted my application, I submitted a cover letter in which I noted that I've worked for the same company for 12 years, and am in a secure leadership position. I have 6 year old twins that I envision raising in such a safe environment. Plus I'm clean, quiet, considerate.

Tonight I got a phone call from the woman that they've rented the condo to someone else.

Fuck.

So, I tell her "I'm eagerly looking to rent. Can you please provide constructive feedback as to why I didn't get the apartment over others?" She made some reference as to her husband reviewing the applicants and calling the references, when I said "None of my references were called" Her reply was "Well we didn't call YOUR references" "Why Not?" I asked. "The other guy just looked better on paper."

"How so?" I asked. "Is it because I'm a single mother?" "No," she said, "We've rented to a single father for the past year."

I replied "Sure. But single men have the advantage over single women. Please tell me, how did the other look better on paper? I'm eagerly looking for a place to live, and am looking for specific feedback. If you're uncomfortable giving it, please refer me to your husband."

"Oh, I'm not uncomfortable with giving feedback. He looked better on paper because he said he was planning on staying in the city for the next 3 years..."

I cut her off. "My coverletter stated that I've had the same employer for 12 years, and in no danger of losing my job!"

"Oh, uh, well....," she stammared.

I told her that I found them to be sexist and unfair. Clearly, they didn't even look at the applications before deciding. It matters not, I have no recourse. Had they said that the other person had a higher income, or if they truly checked my credit or references, I would feel at peace. Not the case!

I make too much to qualify for lower income housing, but not enought for a good, secure place to raise my daughters.

I'm fuckin' screwed. I need a fuckin' break.

At last!

I finally got to meet my friend Dr. Ros!



I've known her for years, and wanted to meet her always! I feel so lucky for the opportunity.

SML was there, also. That woman rocks my world!! More pics of the gathering to follow.

Worth Repeating

I posted this waaaay in the early days of my blog. Now, again. The person whom this is for, knows it's for him:

Don't move
Don't talk out of time
Don't think
Don't worry
Everything's just fine
Just fine

Don't grab
Don't clutch
Don't hope for too much
Don't breathe
Don't achieve
Or grieve without leave

Don't check
Just balance on the fence
Don't answer
Don't ask
Don't try and make sense

Don't whisper
Don't talk
Don't run if you can walk
Don't cheat, compete
Don't miss the one beat

Don't travel by train
Don't eat
Don't spill
Don't piss in the drain
Don't make a will

Don't fill out any forms
Don't compensate
Don't cower
Don't crawl
Don't come around late
Don't hover at the gate

Don't take it on board
Don't fall on your sword
Just play another chord
If you feel you're getting bored
I feel numb
I feel numb
Too much is not enough
I feel numb
Don't change your brand Gimme what you got
Don't listen to the band
Don't gape Gimme what I don't get
Don't ape
Don't change your shape Gimme some more
Have another grape
Too much is not enough
I feel numb
I feel numb
Gimme some more
A piece of me, baby
I feel numb
Don't plead
Don't bridle
Don't shackle
Don't grind Gimme some more
Don't curve
Don't swerve I feel numb
Lie, die, serve Gimme some more
Don't theorize, realise, polarise I feel numb
Chance, dance,dismiss, apologise Gimme what you got
Gimme what I don't get
Gimme what you got
Too much is not enough
Don't spy I feel numb
Don't lie
Don't try
Imply
Detain
Explain
Start again I feel numb
I feel numb
Don't triumph
Don't coax
Don't cling
Don't hoax
Don't freak
Peak
Don't leak
Don't speak I feel numb
I feel numb
Don't project
Don't connect
Protect
Don't expect
Suggest
I feel numb
Don't project
Don't connect
Protect
Don't expect
Suggest
I feel numb
Don't struggle
Don't jerk
Don't collar
Don't work
Don't wish
Don't fish
Don't teach
Don't reach
I feel numb
Don't borrow Too much is not enough
Don't break I feel numb
Don't fence
Don't steal
Don't pass
Don't press
Don't try
Don't feel
Gimme some more
Don't touch I feel numb
Don't dive
Don't suffer
Don't rhyme
Don't fantasize
Don't rise
Don't lie
I feel numb
Don't project
Don't connect
Protect I feel numb
Don't expect
Suggest

Don't project
Don't connect
Protect I feel numb
Don't expect
Suggest

I feel numb