I have a brother who is 10 years older than me, and we've always gotten along very well. When I was younger he absolutely spoiled me-- for instance, when I was in Kindergarten, he used to pick me up from school on his motorcycle and take me out to lunch. All of my friends thought I had the coolest brother, and I did!
My brother got into drugs and alcohol at a very young age, and he became an addict, who got worse with time. In his 20's, he was in and out of jail often. By the time he was 30, he found himself in prison, thanks to his illegal substances and fraud. Fast forward to today, he is now 11 years sober, has a gorgeous wife and three adorable children, a thriving career, beautiful home, and has completely repaid all of his debts to society. He truly is a changed man.
After my brother had been released for a couple of years, it was clear that he was well on his way to success. He and I were talking one day, and he knew how completely unhappy I was with about every aspect of my life. He said to me "I believe people are going to live thier lives however works for them. Until a person hits rock bottom and realizes the lifestyle can't continue, they won't work hard enough make the necessary changes." I was so pissed at him when he said this to me, I actually left the room, went into my bathroom, and cried. How dare he tell me that I wasn't working hard enough to change!
He was right. Approximately two years after this conversation, I was 27, and still hating so much about my life. I took a really hard look at myself, and figured out what I needed to do to make some changes. For those of you who know me now, you would not recognize the 27 year old Christy. I don't look, act, think, or feel the same. I'm a different person physically and mentally. I would post a picture to prove this fact, but I didn't allow pictures of myself to be taken back then. I hated myself, that much.
Ages 27-29 were pretty much hell for me in many aspects. It took that long to work really hard and change myself. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, and so many times I wanted to give up, but it was so.worth.it. I'm not saying I'm perfect now, far from it. I'm still a work in progress, and hope that will always be the case. I never want to stagnate! But I'm so much happier with me, and I know that my friends and family are as well.
The idea for this post came up when I was having a conversation with a friend who is very unhappy with his current state of life. He has so much desire to change, but doesn't know where to start or how to begin. He doesn't know if he's hit rock bottom or is still pinging against the sides, in transit. To him I say this: Take advantage of the time you have now to make the necessary changes. It's not going to be easy, nor is it going to be fun. "Pretty soon you're gonna get a little older" (thanks David Bowie!), and you may as well be a changed man by the time you get there. But do it for yourself, or else it's not gonna happen.
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10 comments:
Great post, Christy. So true. I'm changing daily too. Scary to think about rock bottom and wonder if you may be close or what.
Sometimes it's scary to wonder if you can actually survive for 15 or more years somewhere near the middle toward rock bottom but too far away from happiness with your life to ever attain it. That's what's hard for those of us with huge tolerance for pain and crap in our lives.
Sounds like you've had quite a journey, Christy. Your brother is wise, but you took lessons to heart, and you're just as wise.
My latter 20's were hellish. A friend/therapist said that we go through 30 year cycles, give or take a few years. Challenges in our 20's include: an implicit idealism to our relationships, bodies, careers, families. More challenges include hitting that brick wall called reality - it really hurts when our thoughts and actions are so out of whack.
One of the best (but most challenging) metaphysical lessons I learned in my latter 20's was about "The Tower." The idea is that if we are not true to ourselves (or other people), then our life is built on a foundation of false ideas (translation: lies, cheating, dishonesty, etc.) Our lives grow upward with each passing day, but our base, our truth... cannot hold the weight if our foundation was built with untruths. "The Tower" is the result - that huge monolith of ourselves comes crashing down.
What remains? The Truth. Only the Truth and nothing but the Truth. Our Truth. It's good, it's bad, it's ugly, but it's ours and we get to own it. From that point, we start growing up, and not an instant before.
Sorry about the long-ass post. Your journey echoes the hell I put myself through.
Hugs. You've shared powerful observations for your friend.
I wish I could get my wife to read this post. Very timely and beautifully said.
SML- Thank you! I have a huge tolerance for pain as well, and I think I take the easy road out to avoid conflict, all too often. I think even if you are living for decades in limbo and not quite at rock bottom yet, it's never too late to change.
Sideon- never apologize for a long-ass post to me, I love it! I love your metaphysical lesson, but I'm trying to not sing "The wise man built his house upon the rock!" while reading it! :) Seriously though, what you say makes so much sense. I really appreciate your compliments, more than you know!
Pete- Wow, thank you. That's a big compliment.
There's so much to say in response to this, but I think the thing that says it best is, "Yeah."
PS - My teeth feel weird today, and one hurts. And my saliva tastes funny. I think I'm dying. Just so you know.
Not sure why, but that post made the eyes get a little moist.
I hear you loud and clear. I often wonder if the mormon church keeps us from "finding ourselves" because there is an artifical layer that we must add to conform to the requirements for membership and "salvation."
Sorry about the quotes. I have used my quota (ha) for the week.
Rebecca- Thanks, girl. And sorry about your teeth, how's it going now?
Bishop Rick- Wow, thanks. That's a really nice compliment.
Ros- I completely believe that what you said is true. And you can quote here anytime you want, baby. Even if your quota is full! :) I'm just glad you're here.
Eric- I wish you had advice for the guy, too. I know he'll come around, he just needs to stop being overwhelmed and start taking some baby steps.
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