Mostly recovered, but....

For the most part, I'm entirely over mormonism. I enjoy associating with former mormon's because we share a common history. For example, only former mormons will understand why I was elated to get my very own coffee pot. I no longer research why the church isn't true, and my angst is a thing of the past. However, I live in the heart of the Salt Lake City valley, so of course I'm subjected to it on a frequent basis. I sit across from a cute and friendly returned missionary at work, and we joke all the time about being different species. "Your type wouldn't like this movie" or "Only my type will appreciate this for what it is", etc. Luckily, religion doesn't interfere there, nor should it.

A couple of things happened last sunday that made me re-visit my former, mormon life.

First of all, my best friend from my most mormon days, found me on facebook. Her dad is a very well known, high ranking, church official. I won't talk trash about this family, because if you look at the real definition of what it means to be Christlike, this family had it. These people were genuinely GOOD with the best of intentions. Perfect? No. But they did make sincere efforts. During my friendship with them (which lasted many years), I was what some may call an EXTREME mormon. I read my scriptures daily. I never watched R rated movies, and was selective on my PG-13's. At the same time, I became critical of those around me not living the same standards, and harshly judged members of my own family. This wasn't intentional, it just was the way it was. I was able to live this principle, why couldn't everyone else?

My facebook photo shows me in my playboy bunny outfit. I list my relgion as "agnostic". Surlely, she knows that something is up. I'm not sure how to answer her question of what's new in my world. I've not had contact with her since long before I left the church. I think she'll be okay with my beliefs. I don't think that she'll bear her testimony to me.

But it's all so weird. It reminds me of trying to be so perfect for the approval of her and her family. I truly loved her family. Being friends with one of them meant being friends with all of them.

Second, the death of President Hinckley. The man was 97, so it wasn't a shock. He was not perfect. If he was by mormon beliefs, he would have been translated. He had a sweet demeanor, and was a cute old man. However, I know he had some skeletons in his closet. (Mark Hoffman, white salamander, etc.) I don't begrudge those who mourn his death. However I'm still annoyed that the flag in front of my building at work is lowered to half staff in his honor. And also annoyed that Barack Obama cancelled a campain trip to Utah "Out of Respect".

I never really fit the mold. I've been thinking of things that I said and did during my prime belief period. I recall sitting in meetings as the first counselor of the Young Women's presidency. I dreaded that call and didn't want it, but being the dutiful member, accepted the "calling". There was a discussion over whether an 11 year old girl, whose birthday was less than a month after the annual girls camp, would be allowed to attend. The president pulled out her rules handbook, and said that technically, she should not be allowed. I had to speak up and practically beg that they go by the spirit of the law, not the letter. And why alienate her? Why tell her she's not good enough now, when her peer group is?

I didn't get it.

There were other things that I never understood. Gays in the military. Gays adopting children, or getting married. A cup of coffee, or glass of wine in the evening. In my most believing days, these things didn't mae sense.

My last calling in the church was in the primary presidency. I love the small children, and wanted to serve them the best that I could. At the same time, I hated the last presidency meeting I had. We were planning the upcoming summer activity, and it was all about different stations of "Dressing modestly" and "Loving the Scriptures", "Respecting our Prophets". For PRIMARY kids? (Ages 3-12). This was supposed to be our FUN summer activity? I couldn't be part of that. I couldn't put my sweet 4 year olds, in the midst of that.

I left the church soon after this planning meeting, where I clearly had no say in the happenings. I wasn't a handbook type of person, and absolutely hated these meetings.

Sometimes I miss having an easy spiritual pick me up when I need it. I miss having rules set before me. I miss knowing everything. But, I appreciate my life, and things that I love, so much more than I ever did.