Part IV: Re-examining past relationships

I think I'm ready now.

I originally posted this last summer, but chickened out. Now I realize how much I've grown since Part IV occured. Time heals all wounds, or time wounds all heals, whatev! ;-)

If you're interested in the part before this, here it is.

I ended Part III by saying "The summer between high school and year one of college brought a lot of new things for me." Continuing....

After my senior year, I was emailing back and forth with a boy I met on Prodigy. Actually, I can't believe I don't remember exactly how we met on Prodigy, but we did. We emailed, talked on the phone... his name was Avery. He asked me to go to his house to visit him, and so I did. I wasn't disappointed. He had blue eyes and black hair, his mom was Chinese, so he got his black hair from her, and his father was a blonde hair blue eyed man, so he got blue eyes from him. He was very cute. We played on his piano for a bit, then went upstairs to his room, where he played his saxaphone for me. Then he put it away, and almost without warning, put me on my back on top of his bed, and stuck his tongue on my mouth. This was my first major makeout, although I had kissed a couple of other guys before. Then he put his hand up my shirt, which I grabbed and pulled back out. Then he rolled over to his back with me on top of him, and undid by bra. Again, I pulled his hands out, and re-fastened. We went to see a movie, then back to his house and made out a bit more. I went home that night in a haze, and spoked to him on the phone just one time after that. I didn't miss him, love him, or even deeply like him. But he gave me my first semi-sexual experience.

Next relationship was Kenneth Whipple. He was a high school friend, and we always had fun together and flirted often. We dated most of the summer, then drifted apart sometime in September. That relationship is so weird to me. I was totally into him, but his friends were always his first priority. He stood me up multiple times, yet I kept taking him back. He was able to sweet talk his way through everything, and made me feel very gullible and vulnerable. The way he broke up with me was by just not calling me or stopping by anymore. I was too timid to find out what was going on. It hurt for a week or so, until I met James.

James Mitchell. What follows next is a long story, grab a sandwich.

James was perfect, or so I thought. He was a recently returned missionary, and the older brother of my best friends boyfriend. I'd go over to their house with her, but never thought much about him because I only had eyes for Kenneth at that point. My friend Alison, whom I had known since pre-K, had a massive crush on him so we did what we couild to get her around him as often as possible. In that process, he fell for me. Our moms taught at the same school and were close friends, his brother dated my best friend, it seemed as though we were meant to be, even though he had to persue me for awhile to realize it. He would do sneaky things like drive everyone around to gatherings, dropping me off last. He would volunteer to bring things to my mom, from his mom. He took me to the Howard Jones concert on October 30th 1993 (YES I remember the exact day), and kissed me that night.

At this point it was official, James had swept me off my feet. This seemed to be a match made in heaven, and our moms were all for it. I talked to my friend Alison to make sure she was okay with my dating him, and off we went. We went skiing almsot every weekend, would prepare our primary lessons for church the next day, and spent the rest of the evenings making out and dry humping. I was totally smitten. He gave me a beautiful gold watch for christmas, and I made him a quilt. On New Years Eve, he told me his resolution was to not go a single day without telling me he loved me. He would leave me love notes on my car (this was before text messages existed, or emails were easily accessible), that I would find after school. I lost myself in him. I lost my identity, who I was. I no longer considered what I wanted in my life, I thought about him and what he wanted and tried to accomodate that. I became insecure and clingy. My very happiness was determined on whether or not he made the effort to call me that day.

One day, towards the end of January, he says to me "I met a girl today named Sharon Brinkerhoff (fake name). She says she knew you in High School." "Wow!" I say. "Sharon is great! She was the student body president and we were very close! How is she doing?" then it hit me. They were perfect for each other. He was going to fall in love with her, I just knew it. But, she was too much the popular type for him, not the average girl next door, like me. He may like her, but she won't like him... at least that's what got me to sleep at night. After that, I noticed him drifting away, emotionally. Things about our relationhip that used to be important to him were no longer. Phone calls and dates became less frequent. Love notes on my car? Did that really happen or did I imagine it? (It happened... just didn't seem like a possibility anymore.) I started feeling desperate, and would tell him things that I thought he wanted to hear, not what was really going on inside my head and my heart. Anything to keep him around.

A friend of mine asked us to be part of a singing group for his mission farewell. We'd go to practices together, and that was about the only time I saw him during february. I had high hopes that something would happen on valentines day, but all he did was bring me some cookies that his mom had made, and not until about 9:30 that night. I was crushed. At the end of February, we had our big sacrament meeting performance. We sat on the stand next to each other, and he had his hand on my leg the entire time. I couldn't help but notice that Shara was in the audience, and didn't stop smiling or taking her eyes off of James the entire time. After the meeting was over, he drove me back to my place, and I asked him to come in and talk to me. We sat in my dads office for about two hours, and had a very painful conversation. He made himself out to be a martyr, saying "I'm going to let you go" and shit like that. He told me that right after he met Sharon, she told him that she prayed about him, and was told that he was the person she needed to marry. He fell for that. She was spiritual and received revelations, and with me, he'd go home feeling sexually frustrated that we couldn't do more than dry hump, and even that was pushing the boundaries. I was too much of a wild temptation for him. We would joke about running to vegas and being married by Elvis ("Let's go see Elvis", we'd say when being very turned on but obedient to most chastity laws), where Sharon blasted him for joking about that because he was making a mockery out of marriage. She kept him on his toes, and I was too predictable. I asked him if he loved Sharon, and just thinking about his response, and the tone of his voice, still bothers me. "It's hard not to." Ouch.

What followed after that was a little drama, which included Sharon finding out how hurt I was and running up to my house with some bogus apology about how our friendship is more important to her than James, blah blah blah. I told her I couldn't/wouldn't stop her from dating him. She said she didn't realize that things were so serious with him and me (eyes rolling). The sad thing is, I believed her. I wanted to believe her. I thought she was on my side. Now, I realize that she always had a stigma about her, always wanting to be the good guy, or the heroine. I wrote James a letter telling him exactly how I felt about what happened, then had him come over to my house so I could read it to him. He told me it was very well written, I had writing talent. He also said that as much as he wants to be that guy who woos me and brings me flowers, he just can't be.

James and Sharon were engaged by that summer, married in September. It was painful to run into common friends, people who didn't realize that James and I had a history, who would said "Did you hear that Sharon is engaged? Her fiance is such a great guy, she's so lucky!". She lived on a main road that I had to take to get to the freeway, and some mornings I'd see them jogging together. Yeah, that really sucked.

A week before they got married, I was sitting in my living room reading a book, when the doorbell rang. It was James.

"Hey, my mom needed me to give this paperwork to your mom, is she here?"

"No, she's at a church meeting right now, but I'll make sure she gets it"

"Great, thanks! How are you doing?"

"I'm fine," I said "I'm just getting ready to go back to school. I changed my major to pre-law. I hear you're getting married next week."

"Yes, I am. Being engaged sucks, I don't recommend it!"

"Okay, well I'll let my mom know you stopped by" I said, making my way to the front door and opening it for him.

"Okay, thanks again! Don't be a stranger!" he said.

"Right!" I retorted, full of sarcasm, and shut the door while he was still looking at me.

That's the last time I spoke to him, face to face. I saw the newlyweds at a restaurant a few months after they were married, but they didn't see me. Soon after, they moved to the St. George area. I get rare updates from my mom, who talks to his mom about once a year. James and Sharon are still married, have 3 or 4 kids. He's going blind, and from what I understand, it's not reversible. I actually felt sad for him when I heard that, I wouldn't wish such a thing on my worst enemy. He'll never get to see his daughter in her prom dress.

And yes, I also considered the fact that it's slightly disappointing thought to realize that when we inevitably meet again (around town, some function for our mothers, or a future high school reunion), he won't be able to see just how hot I am now, and what he missed out on. teehee! Yes, I do have a selfish bitch streak.

More to come.