How to win my heart... or not. Whatever. And other things.

I was on a blogging streak for awhile there, but my life took some unexpected turns this week, which threw blogging and exercising for a loop. Now you know my health update.

I rarely discuss my current dating life, but here goes.

A few weeks ago I posted a blurry pic of me with some guy. He's still around, but I rarely get to see him. He travels extensively for work, plus he's got a busy life of his own. I really like this guy... he's respectful, kind, motivated, into me, intelligent, good looking, we have excellent chemistry... the whole package. If given the chance, I could totally fall for this guy. But I have a hard time reading him. Considering I rarely get to see him, I don't want to make things intense and dramatic when I do. I'm an excellent judge of character-- I feel like he likes to be with me when he can, but he's got a lot of other stuff going on. To keep myself sane, I remain casual, appreciating what I can, when I can. We have never discussed being exclusive, although I don't believe he is seeing anyone else (with what free time?), we're not at that next level.

This is difficult for me because I want to be at that level. I really want a boyfriend. I want someone that I can experience lifes ups and downs with. I want someone who will send me a random text from time to time saying something like "Hey, I'm thinking about your great smile, have a wonderful day!". Someone to bring to family dinners, and have him be proud to introduce me to his family. I want someone who can't get enough of me, but is okay spending some time apart.

Am I asking for too much? I don't think so.

So, I agreed to go out with a new guy last Friday. This guy has been persistant with me, which I dig. He pulled out the big guns and asked me out to the Melting Pot, which I love. We have a lot in common. Plus, he has a good job, lives in a nice house, and drives a nice car. All plusses, right? On our way to the restaurant, he's driving relatively crazy. He's in and out of the carpool lane (apparently the rules don't apply to him), flighty in conversation, always always wears a baseball cap. These things are not so cool to me.

We get to the restaurant, which has a full bar, and he orders Bud Light. Come on. I'm not much of a beer drinker, but I know good beer. Bud Light? Then, he starts off the conversation telling me that he's prejudiced against the asian race. Um, hello?!?!? For real? The fact that you freely talk about it, is #1, and I think the asian culture is awesome, #2. I wasn't sure what to say. He made a few derrogatory comments which I brushed off, changed the conversation, okay. Dinner is over, and we discuss options for after. It was only 8:30, I didn't want to go home. He tells me "I know of this bar that is totally white trash. The clientelle, the band, everything. I don't go there often, but it's close to my house." I agree, and off we go.

At this point, I can tell that he's really into me. Honestly, I get the feeling based on comments and gestures, that he wants to take me home. I'm not so interested. We go to the bar, the bouncer recognizes him, and he's hugging people as we pass. I thought he said he doesn't go there often? Okay... THEN, we get to the bar to order drinks, and he starts talking to these frat guys who are there. What about? I couldn't say. His back was to me and he never bothered to include or introduce me. Luckily I have my iPhone to keep me entertained, so I find a chair and sit. He turns to me, shakes my knee, and says "Sorry!" and orders our drinks. Not so long after, a waitress notices his ball cap, and starts talking to him about it. He doesn't just politely answer, but then continues to engage her in conversation. After she leaves, I say "I was about to write your number down on the napkin and hand it to her."

I know I'm not into this guy at this point, but I still feel like I should be respected. Then he gets up to order more drinks for us, and I see him flirting with some chick at the bar. Okay, no, I'm not into him. But come on, he's on a date. With ME. I'm worth more than that. He comes back to the table, and I say "Did you get her number??" And he says "No, I go up there to order our drinks, and she asks me what I'm having!" So I said "That's when you should say 'I'm having THIS, my date is having THAT." Seriously, he was flirting, not just answering her question. So we sit there in silence, drinking our drinks. Then he says "Do you want to get out of here?" I said yes. He goes to close out his tab, and he's flirting with the same girl. So I walk up to her, with my iPhone in my hand, with his information (home and cell number) on my screen. I say to her "Would you like his number? Here, you have your choice." She was shocked and bewildered and said no, I don't. I tried to get her to take it down, but she wouldn't. I see he's done, so I storm out ahead of him.

No, I'm not into him. But he was downright disrespectful. I've never been treated like this, not ever. Even my worst date ever (when I was 19), was better than this. This is my new worst date ever. On the way back to his place, where my car was parked, he says "If someone talks to me, I'm not going to be rude and ignore them." and I say "There's a difference between politely answering their questions, and engaging them in conversation." I also made it clear that he crossed the line, and I'm a great catch, who is worth more than the treatment he gave me. He said nothing. After several more minutes of silence, I say "You know, I have never been treated like shit, the way you treated me. Thanks for giving me the worst treatment I've EVER received." In which he says "No problem." We pull up to his house, I jump out of his car and into my own, and all this takes place before 10PM.

Had he apologized the next day, I would have given him an ounce of respect. But now, no. Nope. Not ever. I've been spoiled by some really great guys.

Health and blah blah blah

Here it is, my third update, and an entire month into this new "lifestyle" of mine. My goals:

• Park in the farthest parking spot away: Check
• Go on an elevator strike: uh-huh. Well, in the past month, I've taken the elevator 3 times up, one time down. The three times going up were because I was carrying some things that were difficult to balance, and the one time going down, I wanted to gossip with a co-worker who has a roller bag for their laptop.
• Drink a minimum of 64 ounces of water a day: Most of the time. Not so good on the weekends.
• Take a daily multi-vitamin: Yep!
• Walk or jog on the weekends: Sometimes.
• Go to the gym 5 days a week: Fo' Sho!
• Take up tennis: Not yet. Damn weather and deadlines.

This post isn't going to be my typical, rosey, YAY ME! post. I'm actually feeling quite discouraged today. Here it is, a month into this, and I can't tell any difference in my body. I know, it's only a month. But I was hoping to see *some* results by now. I wasn't expecting a miracle, but I was hoping that my clothes would at least feel a little bit more loose. Not so. I no longer have any pain in my arms and legs when I work out, which makes me think that I need to do something else to shock my system, or kick it up a notch with the weights or reps. I think this is the point where people start to give up on their plans, and I can see why it's a temptation. But I'm not going to, at the very least, my mood and energy levels are up. And I'm certainly not hurting anything by trying.

I'll end this post on an embarrassing note, feel free to laugh. Earlier this week, I managed to get a girl that I work with, to go work out with me. When we were done with the normal routine, we asked the on-site personal trainer for some suggestions on what to do for the back of our thigh's and our butts, without machines. Stuff we can do at home. She showed us how to hold either free-weightsr or a weight bar close to our bodies, slowly bend all the way down and touch our toes, then slowly stand up again. This is supposed to be awesome for that area, and you don't feel like you're really working it, until the next morning.

So we go out in the hall right outside the fitness center (Remember, this is inside the building that I work in, although away from the busy work areas) and the girl I work with asks me "Now what exactly did she tell us to dot?" So I demonstrate, pretending to hold weights in my hands, and bend over to touch my toes. When I was fully bent over, I hear a "Hmmmm" behind me, and I stand up to see a former co-worker of mine, a man. A single man. A single, very attractive (but too young for me) man. With a bright red face I explained to him what I was doing. He laughs and says "Thank you for the demonstration".

It couldn't have been someone that I didn't know and wouldn't recognize if I saw him again, it had to be someone who knows me quite well.

In addition to my weekly healthy check-ins, perhaps I should add weekly embarrassing stories?

Is it so wrong to fall so in love....

with a pair of earrings?

A co-worker of mine went to Las Vegas last weekend, and visited the Criss Angel shop at The Luxor. She saw these earrings and knew that I had to have them. Here is a picture of me wearing them, with the super cool mormon guy who sits across from me pointing at what you should look at:

A bit of a closer up pick of those adorable handcuffs:



*sigh* Thanks Julie!

PS - I'm still accepting Boyfriend Applications!

A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do....

Why not? I've got the forum, I have some readers, perhaps this will bring others out of the woodwork.

"Why not" what?

Oh, that. Yeah. I need a boyfriend. I've got everything else going for me, and I'm a pretty great catch. Let's face it, I make a kick ass girlfriend. I stole the below "Boyfriend Application" from someone else's blog, but she posted hers nearly three years ago, so I'm assuming she already got her boyfriend. If Tish runs across this, I hope she is satisified with helping me, and realizes that imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. (Thanks Tish!)

In addition, if you'll look to the upper left hand corner of my blog, click on my profile, you'll see that you can now Email me. I haven't had that before, because my email address contained my first AND last name. However, I got me some smarts, and created a new email address Just For This Blog!! It's true! I know (because I can track it) that there are a lot of people who lurk on my blog but never comment. If you'd like to talk to me about stuff that I post but aren't comfortable doing it in public, and you don't know me so you don't know my email addy, now you can!

I present to you, my boyfriend application.

BOYFRIEND APPLICATION

Name (First, Middle, and Last please!) ______________________________________________

Birthdate __________________ Zodiac Sign __________________________

Occupation ____________________________________________________________________

Long Term Goals: ______________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Have you ever been married? Yes No
If yes, why did you divorce? ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________
(If you are still married, please discard this application immediately.)

Name and phone number of your ex-wife ____________________________________________

How often do you see and/or speak to your ex?

• Never. She mysteriously disappeared after our divorce.
• Never. She mysteriously disappeared before our divorce.
• Never. The restraining order prevents it.
• I peer through the windows when she’s not looking.
• All the time.
• We still live together.
• Other ___________________________________________________________________
  
  Do you have children? Yes No
  If no, would you like to have them one day? Yes No
  Have you ever received an intentional knee to the groin? Yes No
  If yes, would you be willing to undergo a medical examination to rule out the possibility of sterility? Yes No
  Names, ages, and genders of your children: __________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________
  (If above lines offer insufficient space, you are not eligible for this position.)

Do you have a penis? Yes No (Answering no will not necessarily disqualify you, provided that you can compensate for your inadequacy.)
How do you plan to compensate?___________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________
(Feel free to attach photographs and/or diagrams.)

Can your body withstand long nights of sex with little or no sleep? Yes No

Hobbies and Interests: ___________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________
Last movie you watched: _________________________________________________________
(If it starred Jackie Chan or Vin Diesel, you are disqualified from this position.)

Favorite TV shows: _____________________________________________________________

Favorite musicians:______________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
(If any of their names begin with Ice or Snoop, please dispose of this application immediately.)

Last church visit ____________________ Name of church _____________________________

Do you regularly donate time and/or money to charity? Yes No
If yes, which charitable organizations? ______________________________________________
If no, why not? _________________________________________________________________
Last random act of kindness: ______________________________________________________

How large is your porn collection?
Smaller than a breadbox Has its own room in your house
Fits neatly under your bed You rent a storage unit

Do you wear socks during sex? Yes No
If so, do I have permission to choke you with them? Yes No

Do you maintain a blog? Yes No
If yes, URL please! _____________________________________________________________
Do you blog the details of your sexual exploits? Yes No
If no, why not? _________________________________________________________________

Why are you applying for this position? _______________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

If you are chosen for the position, what will your first order of business be? _______________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I hereby solemnly swear that I have been completely honest and forthright in my answers above. I agree to submit to any and all of the following if deemed appropriate: polygraph tests, blood tests, credit checks, criminal background checks, endurance tests, skills assessments, and reference checks.

Signature ________________________________ Date_________________

PS: I'm totally serious here! Apply within!

Healthy Lifestyle Check-in

My second weekly update.

Still going strong. I didn't get to play tennis last week, either the weather was crappy or we had deadlines to meet. We're going to shoot for this week, I'm totally excited about it.

Starting tomorrow, I'm going to compete in either a Boston Marathon or Half Marathon. No, not the real thing. I have 30 days to accomplish the equivelant. It's a competition through my work, and the prizes really are fabulous (two first place prizes will be given, and they are $450 travel vouchers).

When I look at myself in the mirror I can't see any changes, but when I feel my arms, I can feel hardness where there was once flab.

Oh, and the other day, I was examining my under-arm flab (or loose skin, or whatevah), and Alexa says to me "Mommy, you are NOT very skinny" Thank you, sweetheart.

Who rocks my world?

My girls do!









One more with the ghetto horse down the road (whom they adore)!!



Today we had their year-end parent teacher conference. I can't BELIEVE that kindergarten is almost over. Didn't they just start?

I was excited for them to start. However I was not prepared for the emotions I felt as they walked into the door of the school, and away for me. Luckily for them, they had each others hand to hold. Still, they walked away from me, and into the school. They left my influence, for that of another, and there wasn't a thing I could do about it. Those sleepless nights, countless days watching Elmo, Finding Nemo, Toy Story, and Mr. Rogers, were over. They were grown girls, ready to read, write, and learn. Not my babies anymore.

They're doing great. Their teacher said that she never needs to motivate them, they're just always happy to be there and excited to learn. May that always continue!They know all their letters, can count to 100, make friends easily, can skip, but can't dribble a ball or tie a bow. I suppose I should work on those things.

They make it easy and delightful to be their mommy!

I'm Clueless and Lame

Proof that I'm clueless:

Last week I was on a bi-monthly conference call. These conference calls are a major deal-- they last two hours, and involve the most of the bigwigs of my company, regarding supply and demand of our products. I never speak on these calls, but prepare some of the data for them, so am required to stand by incase any questions are asked. My colleague Mike does the speaking, I do the preparations. Generally, I sit at my desk with my headset on, and multi-task.

So, during the call last week, Mike's boss asks to speak to him about 10 minutes before his slides are up. He says to me "I'm sure I'll be back, but can you cover for me if I'm not?" "Sure!" I say. Public speaking is a strength of mine (I have mormonism to thank for that!) and I have no problem getting my name out there for the important people to take note of. However, I've done no preperations other than supplying the data, so I take those next few minutes to glance over the slides and figure out what I'll say.

"Mike, are you ready to present your slides?" I hear the director of the call say.

"Hi, this is Christy. Mike got called away to a last minute meeting, so I'm here to cover his presentation."

Then I hear:
"Oh, you're in shitting for Mike?" from the Director.

"Pardon me?" I'm very bewildered.

"In shitting. You're in shitting for Mike?"

I say "Okay" In a very Phoebe like tone. "If you'll notice in the upper left hand quadrant of slide 23, blah blah blah blah"

I stumble my way through the presentation, and thank GOD, there were no questions at the end. Good thing as I was feeling flustered and blushing. I couldn't believe the director would use vulgar language to me before I speak. Anyone who reads my blog knows I do not fear swear words, but when the powers that be are on the phone??

I take my headset off and go find Mike, and say "Why would D. ask if I was 'in shitting' for you? Is this some kind of inside joke?!?!" Mike grabs his stomach, laughs deeply from within, and says "'In Shitting'?? He must have said 'Pinch Hitting'!"

"What the hell does 'Pinch Hitting' mean?" He explained the baseball terminology to me. I know NOTHING about baseball, I'm absolutely clueless. I went to a game once last year, and it was the longest four hours of my life.

After this happened, I went into the conference room where the director was, and exclaimed "I know NOTHING about baseball!!" and told him what I thought he said, trying to explain my flustered tone.

It's been a joke around the office ever since. Duh me!

Proof that I'm lame:




I confess to my latest guilty pleasure. I watch VH1's Rock of Love on a weekly basis. No, it's not my thing. No, I was never into Poison, never thought that Brett Michaels is hot. But the girl I sit next to at work talked about it all the time, and one day I found myself watching a marathon and finally understanding what she was talking about. Now, I absolutely have to find out what tramp he's going to pick, the one who will continue to rock his world. It's between my favorite, Ambre:



(not such a tramp)

Or Daisy:



Daisy reminds me of Janice, from the Muppets:



So what part of this, and the first picture in this section, makes me lame? Oh yeah, my white-board with words and letters. You see, some radio station has been having a contest where they give 8 letters, you have to unscramble the word, then be the right caller and win free tickets to the Rock of Love tour that is coming RIGHT HERE to SALT LAKE CITY on the day of the final episode, where you get to actually watch the finale with Brett Michaels himself! We're doing all we can to win those tickets. In that picture, you can see my handiwork. I started to the right, ended on the left.

Aren't you embarrassed to even read this blog?

Healthy Lifestyle Check-In

My first weekly update!

So far, everything is going great. I am still highly motivated to continue on. I haven't necessarily seen changes to my body, but definitely my over-all mood and energy have increased. I used to have at least 3 cups of coffee every morning (black, no cream or sugar), and now I only need one, if that. The greatest joy, however, is when people tell me that I've motivated and encouraged them. I'm quite vocal about my changes to those who surround me. It keeps me honest... it's easier to avoid the afternoon diet coke addiction I used to have, when those around me know I've decided to do without.

The changes I made have been very easy to adapt to, as I've introduced them gradually, and with babysteps. I started by taking the stairs, going on an elevator strike. I'm happy to report that I've not stepped foot in the elevator in a month. Even when I walk with people who prefer the elevator, I say "See you up there!" and head off. Then I started drinking a minimum 64 ounces of water a day. This is not hard for me, I actually like the taste of water-- I know some people really struggle with it. Then I began to park as far away from the front door to my building. I work in a huge building with a large parking lot, so this is definitely beneficial. I kind of watch what I eat, I figure a more strict diet will come later. For now, if I want some pizza or chips, I have them. But I think about it before I eat it, and decide if I really want it. But check me out -!- I actually turned down free girlscout cookes! (A feat never before accomplished!) I wasn't in the mood.

I've successfully worked out at the gym 5 days a week, and doing some walking or jogging on the weekends (nothing too strenuous, but it's something). Next week, I'm going to start playing Tennis once a week with a co-worker. I hope to make that part of my regular schedule in my new lifestyle.

These are my baby steps. They've been small, but I'm a heckuva lot higher on the staircase to health than I was a month ago.

Oh- one more thing... the day I declared my elevator strike, my plan was just to do it just for a day. I haven't looked back. I encourage everyone to do just one thing, start small. And report on my blog, if you'd like! :)

You mean to say it's April Fools Day?

Amongst my colleagues, I am notoriously outspoken regarding my utter disdain for a particular big-boxed company who shall remain un-named. I will let the pictures speak for themselves.

This morning as I approached my desk, I saw this:



and this:



and this:



I was a good sport about it. I left the decorations up, endured comments such as "hey bag lady!" or "What isle will I find the kleenex?" and even donned the smock for a photo op:



That's right beeyotches, that smock has a name tag with MY NAME on it. It's okay to admit that you're jealous.

I had people from all over the building visit my desk today. Everyone heard of "that desk", and had to see it for themselves. I heard very passionate statements that were both proponent's and opponent's for the corporation.

At the end of the day, as I take the decorations down, I pondered what to do with these plastic bags. I know I'll never use them, and I'm way too eco-conscious to simply throw them away... do I take them back to the nearest establishment to recycle? Nah... too much effort for me. Do I stack them on the culprits desk and let her dispose of them? THE CULPRIT!!!!

Payback is a bitch, baybeee! Her desk, as I left work:





Who's the Boss???



But I'm keeping the smock!!! You can't have it back!

Some people claim that there's a woman to blame...

Bull Shit!

Shut Up, Bitch!

Fuck you!

That's what your sister said!

That was my BROTHER!!!

This weekend, my super-cool most awesome friends and I went on an outing together to The Tavernacle. This was my second experience there, and I can't (literally) sing their praises enough.

My friend Erica and I have a total girl crush on their one female performer, we affectionately call her "Hot Tara":



She is the woman's ultimate best friend. Hot, talented, strong, smart, and spunky. She performs only once a month, I suggest that you try to see her when you can. She seemed to truly love the attention that we (especially Erica and I) gave her.

The tavernacle is a dueling piano bar. Once in a while they get into song tug of wars, and when Tara is there, it's Woman VS. Man. Right off the bat, they started dueling "I Will Survive" (for women) and "Baby Got Back" (for men). Whoever had more money, won. Next to us were women who forked over $100 over for "I Will Survive". But they didn't have a table. After some of our friends left (There were 12 of us! 12? Does that mean I wasn't alone like a sore thumb?)

These women were so grateful (not to mention cute and fun), that they bought all of us two rounds of Jaeger shots. At this point, I switched over from liquor to beer, to keep my buzz but not get drunk. But who can say no to free drinks? It would be impolite. We all got a tad bit wasted.

At any rate, we all had an amazing time. If you're looking for something fun to do in Salt Lake City, I can't recommend this place enough. However, be sure to reserve your table a week in advance, or you'll be standing on the sides.

Here is a blurry, tad bit wasted picture of me:



Who is that next to me? hmmmmm..... it gets curiouser and curiouser.......

iBlog

I swear, they must be adding new steps to the stairwells at work. I'm going to start counting them so that I may catch the evil deed!

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

I love the Spring time. I adore the Spring time. I love how nature makes itself new, everything re-born. I love shedding my heavy winter coat for a light jacket, if anything at all. I love the scents of spring. I love the sights. The smells. I love the season of spring!!

Once the weather started getting warmer, something inside of me snapped. I can't explain it, but it's a snap unlike anything I've experienced before. I strive to be more healthy. For some reason, making commitments is easier for me at the change of the season, instead of the dead of winter (like the New Year). I have not gained obscene amounts of weight or had a bad checkup with my doctor, I just decided that it's time to whip myself in shape.

I haven't done anything drastic, so far. I started small... like going on an "elevator strike" at work. I only take the stairs now. I park in the farthest spot from the front door of my building at work. I eliminated soda, and drink a minimum of 64 ounces a day. When the weather is good, I have my girls walk a mile down the road to a horse ranch, and back. When I don't have the girls, I jog or walk fast through some nearby neighborhoods. I avoid foods with high fats and sugars (but don't deprive myself). Lately I started alternating my arm and leg strength training at the gym in my work building, 5 days a week.

Like I said, nothing drastic, but I've got to start somewhere. And I feel really, really good about these changes. The changes also affect my over-all attitude. I'm more upbeat and happy than I've been in ages. It seems that my 33rd year, as well as 2008, are leaps and bounds better than the year prior.

As I was walking out of work yesterday, sans coat, I realized how lucky I am. I have an amazing, supportive, and non-judgemental family. I have the most fantastic, fun, exciting, and sincere friends. I have a job I don't hate and co-workers that I really like. I have the most adorable, sweet, funny, and intelligent daughters in the world. I'm rich!!

Life is good. And tomorrow morning when I'm in severe pain walking up three flights of stairs with very sore thighs (thanks to my work-out today) I will smile.

Expect weekly updates on my drive to being healthy.

I'm only happy when I complain

When assessing Blogspot's publications, one need not resort to vicious name-calling or opprobrious epithets. One need only present the facts. What follows is the story of how Blogspot can be so rich in the rhetoric of democracy and yet so poor in its implementation. Blogspot wants nothing less than to use psychological tools to trick us into doing whatever jaded, scornful rapscallions require of us. Its advocates then wonder, "What's wrong with that?" Well, there's not much to be done with baleful lummoxes who can't figure out what's wrong with that, but the rest of us can plainly see that Blogspot's politics are irresponsible. They're unnecessary. They're counterproductive. Whenever I encounter them I think that you should be sure to let me know your ideas about how to deal with Blogspot. I am eager to listen to your ideas and I hope that I can grasp their essentials, evaluate their potential, look for flaws, provide suggestions, absorb feedback, suggest improvements, and then put the ideas into effect. Only then can we direct our efforts toward clearly defined goals and measure progress toward those goals as frequently and as objectively as possible.

Blogspot is absolutely determined to believe that its cock-and-bull stories provide a liberating insight into life, the universe, and everything, and it's not about to let facts or reason get in its way. Blogspot is capable of a large array of negative feelings. Ask anyone. I am being entirely serious when I say that it would be great if we could study the problem and recommend corrective action. Still, if we take a step, just a step, towards addressing the issue of alcoholism, then maybe we can open people's eyes (including our own) to a vision of how to reinvigorate our collective commitment to building and maintaining a sensitive, tolerant, and humane community.

Blogspot has hatched all sorts of harebrained plans. Remember its attempt to tinker about with a lot of halfway prescriptions? No? That's because Blogspot's so good at concealing its nefarious activities. Because Blogspot is so caught up in trying to tell us how to live, what to say, what to think, what to know, and -- most importantly -- what not to know, I'd like to conclude this letter by quoting to it the last line of R. M. Rilke's poem, "Archaic Torso of Apollo": "You must change your life."

I have OCD when it comes to analytics

Does this sign mean "No Valid ID OR expired ID, no exceptions" ? Or does it mean 'No Valid ID / or no entry if you have an expired ID, no exceptions" ?

I dunno.

And while I'm thinking of this sign, how hard would it be to print a new sign, with "expired" actually spelled correct? I guess they took the effort to burn the edges and make it look cool, so why bother making it right when most of their patrons won't notice how dumbass it looks?

Much to the chagrin of some, and much to the delight of others in my crowd, we didn't make it very far past this sign. One friend forgot their ID. Probably a good thing, considering prior to seeing this sign, we were frisked for weapons.

Good times, good times! :)

Iz mah birfday!

Happy 33 to me! :)

Examining Past Relationships Part VI

Writing about this stuff seems too soon, the wounds aren't completely healed, and I happen to know that the people I will write about, check my blog from time to time.

My disclaimer: I am only exploring myself here. While I've done my own analyzations on these men and their behaviors, I am not a psychiatrist, nor do I play one on TV. heh. I will not mention anyone by name. This is no way an attempt to be harsh on these men, because I fully believe that their side of the story is as valid as mine. I may explain certain situations, conversations, etc., but it'll only be in paraphrase, and only to hold a mirror up to myself.

My attraction to #1 was instanateous, not expected, not looked for. We met, and the chemistry was undeniable. Not only was there instant chemistry, but there was instant comfort. Being with him... whether it was in the same room, at a restaurant, in the car, sitting next to him on the couch, just felt good. We could, and did, talk about everything. We each put in a lot of effort to see each other as often as possible, but then each of our lives took on some drama. Plus it was so soon after my split from Jer, that #1 decided to cool it for awhile. I was crushed. I was confused. Things were going so well, then it was like the emergency brakes were pulled. The original idea was that we would not talk for a couple of months, get our shit together, then reconvene and decide if we should explore even a relationship. I wasn't going to hold out any hope for this, and immediately put myself up on a popular dating website, to see what other options I had.

I have to say-- dating post mormonism is so much more fun. The pool of men is much larger, more interesting.

Imagine my devistation when after signing up for the website, and clicking on the link to see who my most compatible person was, was #1. #1 was my #1. He had also put himself on this site. And even THEY were telling us that we were very compatible.

Soon enough, I met a guy on there, and our relationship started pretty much from the get-go. I didn't realize this at the time, but this was my rebound from #1. On paper, he looked exactly like #1. In reality, #2 was nothing like #1. He was fun, spontaneous, easy to talk to, but we had nothing in common other than our past religion, and the fact that we each had 2 kids. We didn't like the same music (He was into the 80's hair bands, and bashed U2 every chance he could. Not cool!). We didn't like the same foods (He only liked to get steak at places like Applebee's or Chili's. When I would suggest something like Thai or Sushi, he scoffed at me. Ridiculed, even.). Then one day I acted sad because he was leaving, would be on business for the next week, and he was eager to leave my place as early as possible. Now call me crazy, I would think it's a good thing that I was sad, it means I wanted to be with him, was hoping for more time. Instead he texted me when he got in his car and demanded to know "What the hell that was all about". We get into a texting match (he refused to talk to me on the phone), about how "controlling" I was. Um, WTF? This was like, a 3 week old relationship. And he's getting on my case for being controlling??? Because I was acting sad??? I have never been told that I was controlling before. I had to discontinue this relationship right away. I had no regrets for ending this, no sadness here. Simply not compatible.

#3. I feel like talking about #3 is like opening a can of worms. #3 was in my life for less than a year, but made a significant impact. #3 is the kind of guy that every girl dreams about. He was attractive, successful, enjoyed spoiling his woman, smart, he liked chick flicks. We met because we like the same british author, Sophie Kinsella. This guy is every girls dream come true. How could this go wrong?

I had a several long paragraphs written up about #3, but none of that matters. Suffice it to say, I was very uncomfortable with the amount of money he wanted to spend on me. I've never had that kind of treatment, not used to it. He wanted a diva, and she was not me. I am too damn independant. Eventually we were able to have a very close friendship, but I felt like we became toxic for each other. Co-dependant, even. I had to completely and totally cut off any relationship/friendship with him. I felt much sadness after, but also relief. I think I made the right call. I have asked him to stop reading my blog (when he does, it gives me false hope that we can be friends again. I miss our conversations about books, politics, food, relationships, confiding our deepest secrets), but I know he still checks in, albeit rarely (I'm smarter than he thinks). If this makes sense - I wish he didn't, but am glad that he does. He is in a healthy relationship now, and I'm truly happy for him, he deserves it. It's a shame we brought out the worst in each other.

After my failed attempt with #3, I wondered what was wrong with me. I contacted #1 for closure (a la High Fidelity). This ended up re-opening our relationship. It was obvious from the get-go that there was still attraction there, from both sides. We did our best to maintain a slow, easy going friendship, but it didn't last for more than a few weeks before we were "involved" again. Everything about him that felt good before, still felt good. Even better. This time, our relationship had no drama, but was light, fun, easy. We were both into each other, and things were going great. Amazing energy, I was on cloud 9, and you couldn't wipe the smile from his face. I was so happy, but never completely settled or relaxed. Things ended so quickly before, I knew it could happen again.

#1 and I had several great months. My daughters became totally attached to him, and I was very fond of his kids. He met my family, I met more of his... it seemed we were combining our lives well. He gave us some of our most magical moments and memories. I know I should be nothing but grateful, but instead, it made me very sad.

Things got stressful in his life, in many areas. I kept making excuses for my feeling pushed away, and eventually, didn't react in the appropriate manner. I recognized this immediately, and apologized profusely. Not sure if he ever really forgave me.

#1 was never able to fully give himself to me. I wanted something more, something deeper. He told me he couldn't give it to me. I had to make the most excruciating decision to put an end to the relationship. I know I deserve more than what he was able to give, and I know I'll find it. I don't think I necessarily thought of him as my future "forever", but the relationship had to end before I wanted it to. I have no doubt that he truly did care for me, as much as he could. Perhaps as much as he allowed himself.

Where am I now?

I'm back in the dating world, and having fun. Not sure if I'll introduce any future boyfriends to my blog or not. Not until I develop a deep relationship, anyway. I really don't like "dating", it's stressful. I look forward to the day when I'm crazy in love with someone, and have my affections returned.

What have I learned in my examination process? I gotta think about that. That will be my final installment of this "series".

Re-Examining Past Relationships version V.I

I decided to expand on my last post:

After dating the perfect TBM RM, and having my heart shattered in a million pieces, I decided to not date any other RM's. Taking our culture into consideration, I didn't want to date someone who I could fall in love with, and have them GET MARRIED to someone else that quickly. I felt like the best thing for me would be to date younger guys, and then send them on their missions. You know how the song by the Foo Fighters goes... "Done, Done, on to the next one".

When I started dating Jer, he was a pre-missionary. But he was so sweet, and he worshipped me. At the time, I needed to be worshipped. We had a lot in common, but neither of us had what the other one wanted in a life-long companion. However, being naughty little mormons, we commited the sin next to murder. We felt guilty, tried to stop, confessed to our bishops, but couldn't stop. After a year of off and on being bad, we decided we should just get married so that it wouldn't be a sin anymore. The caveat was that we had to be married in the temple. We couldn't bring shame to our families. At this point, I was my parents only hope for eternity.

We got engaged, and then made our appointments for full confession. Jer confessed to his bishop, first. His bishop said it was entirely possible for us to be married in the temple, in 6 months. I went to my bishop, who said that I needed to go through a full 12 month repentance process. I freaked out... a whole year?!?! Not only would that be difficult, but I would have to face the questions from our community, as to why our engagement was so long. Mormon engagements are usually around 3 months, the longest is 6 months. If you're engaged for a year, there's gotta be a reason why. Everyone was going to know that I was full of sin.

Then there was the fact, that for the repentance process, I had to be at church EVERY WEEK. And, I couldn't participate in the weekly ritual of taking the sacrament to renew our commitments and covenants to our savior. We're taught to not judge each other based on who does or doesn't take the sacrament, but it's difficult not to notice those around you who pass the tray by. When you pass it by, you know that you're being noticed. Especially when you have to do this for months. Basically, I had to put myself out there for all to see, and all to know, that I was not worthy.

I did this for 6 months. I went to church, paid 10% of my gross income, and passed the sacrament trays to the person next to me. Sometimes it was very awkward because I would have to stand up and walk the tray down the row, in front of everyone. After the 6 months, my bishop allowed me to take the sacrament again, as well as have a calling in the relief society. I thought I was special and "renewed" at this point, but I still didn't feel any different. And, I was still unworthy of the temple.

We honestly, and truthfully, repented. There was one under the shirt slip up during the 12 months, but other than that, I was able to turn the sexual attraction off, in my mind. I had to battle the many questions that came my way, as to why the engagement was taking so long, what were my plans, why I was dragging my feet, etc. I did my best to brush off the questions and tell them that we were just taking our time and enjoying being engaged, but I knew that they knew. At least they suspected.

We were married in the temple, after the 12 month waiting period. The whole event was surreal. We did our own endowments a week before the wedding, and his grandmother invited everyone to breakfast after, with the exception of my parents and me. I couldn't get married in my wedding dress, because it was off-white and too low cut. I didn't try it on with garments because I didn't have them yet, so I didn't know how much needed to be covered. It wasn't a slutty dress or anything, but the garment lace kept sticking out.

Our wedding night.... wasn't what we had hoped for. I wasn't able to go from "Sex is bad, sex is fun, sex is terrible, stop thinking about it, stop being turned on", to "sex is okay again". I know I disappointed Jer, terribly so, because he had no problem picking the energy back up. I just couldn't do it. And thus set the tone for our 9 years of marriage.

I want to make it clear that Jer did absolutely nothing wrong. In one of my bishops interviews, he explained to me why sex is such a sin before marriage. He basically said that it shows that we don't trust the lord to pair us up with a parter that we are sexually compatible with. Knowing our sexual compatibility before marriage is unnecessary. Not important.

I call bullshit on that.

Jer and I didn't split entirely because of sexual incompatibility, there were several reasons. However, we simply never should have been married in the first place. We got married far too young (He was 19 when he proposed to me), and for the wrong reasons. Plus we had the mormon mind fuck to deal with, which I was never able to un block from my brain.

We are great friends, terrific co-parents. We consider ourselves lucky to have each other.

I will have another installment talking about my reslationships post-marriage, but I don't want the individuals who read my blog to panic. Our intimacies are between us. I am doing this examination to explore myself, my nature and tendancies, my reactions... not to expose those that I was lucky enough to spend close time with. I will be respectful and focus the study on ME. Afterall, that's what this blog is about! :)

Examining Past Relationships Part V:

One of my co-workers found my blog (with my showing her my blog) and she got hooked on my "Past Relationship" series. She said she felt like she was reading a book, then realized "woah, that's the girl I sit next to at work!" For me, this was a huge compliment.

I've been debating how it is that I want to proceed.

After my "perfect RM", I felt broken. Insecure. Unworthy. I went to a party at the end of my freshman year, at a friends house. This guy named Andrew Butcher arrived with a girl I went to high school with. He and I met eyes, and flirted immediately. When it was time for her to go home, he told her to go ahead, he'd call her the next day.

He left with me.

Hehe.

Get your minds out of the gutter. We were mormons, 19. We ended up riding home in the same back seat together, cuddling and singing Madonna and Depeche Mode songs to the drivers stereo. Andrew and I had a few more dates after that. He took me on my CHEAPEST date ever. But he was a good kisser, so I forgave him.

Soon he left on his mission, and my Sophomore year of college started. Thus started a dry spell. I didn't date much. I was more involved with my roommates, friends, school, etc.

One of my roommates (affectionately known on my blog at "Patsy") set me up with her boyfriends best friend, Dan. Had we not been mormon, he and I would have had a lot, lot more fun. As it stands, we had some naughty fun for a couple of months, and it soon ended. Minimal heartbreak involved here, but more sexual experience than I'd had. Ever. Over 10 years later, I can say "no regrets". It was fun.

At this point, I knew that my future husband, Jer, was interested in me, but I was still so. young. He was even younger. I knew there was something amazing about him.

Here is where I hesitate. I don't want to go into details of this relationship. We were married for 9 years. He's a wonderful human being, and we're linked for life, thanks to our amazing daughters. I am lucky to have such a co-parent. I will say that the influence of the mormon church contributed to this not working out long term. We were married too young, and unaware.

My first relationship after him? That's next.

Today Rocked!

Have you ever had one of those days that you wish you could bottle and re-open whenever you need to be reminded of how good life is?

Today was one of those days. Both professional and personal.

I am living in Joy, at this moment. I'll sleep with a big smile on my face tonight.

Is it obligatory?

Is it necessary for a single girl, who truly loves Valentines day, who wishes only for happy endings, to make a post on this day?

THIS day??

I digress.

Happy (cough)(cough)(pukealittleinmymouth)(cough) Valentines Day.

Really, for all you couples out there. I'm happy for you. I envy you. I wish I was one of you.



But my heart looks less like this:



And more like this:



Bitter? Actually, no, not really. Not at all. I had a fabulous day at work, and all in all, things are on the up and up for me. I received a surprise valentine that made it hard to keep from smiling all day (plus it got my heart racing a bit), and I got to love on my sweet daughters and spoil them rotten.

I don't agree with this:



I don't want to be a single girl.

The Beatles tell me that All I need is Love. I hope I can find it and be just as sappy as the rest of y'all!

Happy Valentines Day to all of my friends!