Me: I appreciate mom's offer to come help me finish unpacking, but I don't want her to see that I have beer in my fridge.
Dad: You know, I love beer, I always have. I would be fine with just keeping some of the non-alcoholic kind on hand because I just like the taste. But she could not handle that.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Monday, April 23, 2007
My Forecast
In the future, I have no idea what year, I believe that Google will and should take over the world.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
And so it goes....
You don't find your identity, you create it. ~James, Psychotherapist
20 years after being diagnosed with depression, it finally happened. I wound up in the looney bin. Crazy place. Mental Hospital. Psych Ward. For my friends that sent me emails, phone calls, text messages, voicemails, etc., now you know why. Also, now that I've been to the looney bin, I can finally make looney bin jokes, so it's all been worth it! It's like being jewish, a dentist, or black. You can only make the jokes if you are of that persuasion. I am officially a mental case! I can make fun of crazy people any time I want. YES!!!
If Dooce can blog about it, then so can I!
Last friday (the 13th, ironically enough), I reached the darkest, saddest, scariest moment of my life. I didn't really want to kill myself, I just wanted to sleep for a very, very, very, VERY long time. I didn't have my kids last weekend, and hadn't stopped crying for 3 days. I saw my therapist, and she suggested that I call my psychiatrist ASAP to ask for a medicine increase. I called on my drive away from her office, but couldn't get in until the next afternoon.
That was just too long for me.
I went to work on Friday morning and was felt so overwhelmed. With everything. I've been so sad and lonely lately. I've been overwhelmed with work, life, kids, seperation/pending divorce, lack of computer at home (have I mentioned that this is being typed on my brank spankin' new HP Laptop with a 17 inch hi-def widescreen monitor and 240 gig hard drive?), lack of interaction with my friends and family, etc. etc. etc. I couldn't function anymore. I was getting nothing done. So, I went home.
When I got home, I grabbed a bottle of water and my bottle of anti-anxiety meds. I took one, and started journaling my thoughts. I was still in pain. So I took another, continued to write. Still in pain. I took another, and yup, still in pain. Soon enough, I felt ready to sleep. I sent Jer a text asking him to cancel my dr. appointment for the afternoon, and to arrange pre-school pick up for the girls. I told him I was going to sleep. Because of some previous conversations and fights we had over the day prior, he knew something was up. He called my parents, the paramedics, and my apartment manager. By the time they all got there, I was pretty out of it. I was immediately taken to the ER. At this point I was pissed and angry at Jeremy. How dare he do this to me! I sent some super nasty texts to him, was not very responsive to the ER techs (I had just taken a few anti anxiety meds!), so I was admitted to the psych ward for imprisonment... er, I mean, observation.
This place truly was crazy, and I was still pissed. I wasn't allowed bedsheets or pillowcases, not even a hair brush, or my own clothes. I was in scrubs with a plastic comb and slept between two blankets. There was one dude walking up and down the halls in his flip flops yelling at everyone he saw. He would flip his lunch and dinner trays. He would listen to others phone calls and yell out his own answers. There was another dude there who didn't stop talking, ever. A girl who would complain over everything, including possibly losing an eyelash. This place was not for me. I only felt more lonely and isolated. This place was dark, sad, and depressing beyond anything I've ever seen before. I sat and contemplated my escape. I didn't care if I had to walk 20 miles home, I was getting out of there. I went to group therapy that night, and told them on a mood scale of 1-10, I was a 2. In reality, I was a negative 10. This was the worst night of my life. After therapy, the only other seemingly "normal" person came up to me and touched my shoulder and he said "Hey, I've been where you are. You're going to be okay." and left. Later that night I would proceed to call Jeremy and tell him I hope he dies and goes to hell, yelled at a nurse for berating me and told him to never deal with me again, and cried to my mom on the phone because she was "too tired" to visit me that night. The night I needed her the most.
The next day I talked to a psychiatrist, who told me that I scared him, but he knew I didn't belong in the ward. He said that if I promise not to hurt myself or try to escape, he would move me to the next unit up, where I would have more freedoms and be surrounded by more like-minded people. I promised him, and was transferred right away.
In the next few days, I will blog more about this experience. It is something I never want to forget. I will blog about the people that I met... it's amazing how all different walks of life are affected by depression. How people from such different backgrounds can all end up at the same place at the same time. I will also blog about my learnings, in hopes that they will perhaps help others.
Until then, I'm not ashamed to admit that I spent a few days in "The Crazy Place". I'm just glad the help was there.
Oh, and I'm not mad at Jer anymore.
20 years after being diagnosed with depression, it finally happened. I wound up in the looney bin. Crazy place. Mental Hospital. Psych Ward. For my friends that sent me emails, phone calls, text messages, voicemails, etc., now you know why. Also, now that I've been to the looney bin, I can finally make looney bin jokes, so it's all been worth it! It's like being jewish, a dentist, or black. You can only make the jokes if you are of that persuasion. I am officially a mental case! I can make fun of crazy people any time I want. YES!!!
If Dooce can blog about it, then so can I!
Last friday (the 13th, ironically enough), I reached the darkest, saddest, scariest moment of my life. I didn't really want to kill myself, I just wanted to sleep for a very, very, very, VERY long time. I didn't have my kids last weekend, and hadn't stopped crying for 3 days. I saw my therapist, and she suggested that I call my psychiatrist ASAP to ask for a medicine increase. I called on my drive away from her office, but couldn't get in until the next afternoon.
That was just too long for me.
I went to work on Friday morning and was felt so overwhelmed. With everything. I've been so sad and lonely lately. I've been overwhelmed with work, life, kids, seperation/pending divorce, lack of computer at home (have I mentioned that this is being typed on my brank spankin' new HP Laptop with a 17 inch hi-def widescreen monitor and 240 gig hard drive?), lack of interaction with my friends and family, etc. etc. etc. I couldn't function anymore. I was getting nothing done. So, I went home.
When I got home, I grabbed a bottle of water and my bottle of anti-anxiety meds. I took one, and started journaling my thoughts. I was still in pain. So I took another, continued to write. Still in pain. I took another, and yup, still in pain. Soon enough, I felt ready to sleep. I sent Jer a text asking him to cancel my dr. appointment for the afternoon, and to arrange pre-school pick up for the girls. I told him I was going to sleep. Because of some previous conversations and fights we had over the day prior, he knew something was up. He called my parents, the paramedics, and my apartment manager. By the time they all got there, I was pretty out of it. I was immediately taken to the ER. At this point I was pissed and angry at Jeremy. How dare he do this to me! I sent some super nasty texts to him, was not very responsive to the ER techs (I had just taken a few anti anxiety meds!), so I was admitted to the psych ward for imprisonment... er, I mean, observation.
This place truly was crazy, and I was still pissed. I wasn't allowed bedsheets or pillowcases, not even a hair brush, or my own clothes. I was in scrubs with a plastic comb and slept between two blankets. There was one dude walking up and down the halls in his flip flops yelling at everyone he saw. He would flip his lunch and dinner trays. He would listen to others phone calls and yell out his own answers. There was another dude there who didn't stop talking, ever. A girl who would complain over everything, including possibly losing an eyelash. This place was not for me. I only felt more lonely and isolated. This place was dark, sad, and depressing beyond anything I've ever seen before. I sat and contemplated my escape. I didn't care if I had to walk 20 miles home, I was getting out of there. I went to group therapy that night, and told them on a mood scale of 1-10, I was a 2. In reality, I was a negative 10. This was the worst night of my life. After therapy, the only other seemingly "normal" person came up to me and touched my shoulder and he said "Hey, I've been where you are. You're going to be okay." and left. Later that night I would proceed to call Jeremy and tell him I hope he dies and goes to hell, yelled at a nurse for berating me and told him to never deal with me again, and cried to my mom on the phone because she was "too tired" to visit me that night. The night I needed her the most.
The next day I talked to a psychiatrist, who told me that I scared him, but he knew I didn't belong in the ward. He said that if I promise not to hurt myself or try to escape, he would move me to the next unit up, where I would have more freedoms and be surrounded by more like-minded people. I promised him, and was transferred right away.
In the next few days, I will blog more about this experience. It is something I never want to forget. I will blog about the people that I met... it's amazing how all different walks of life are affected by depression. How people from such different backgrounds can all end up at the same place at the same time. I will also blog about my learnings, in hopes that they will perhaps help others.
Until then, I'm not ashamed to admit that I spent a few days in "The Crazy Place". I'm just glad the help was there.
Oh, and I'm not mad at Jer anymore.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Match Made in Heaven
Coffee and Girlscout cookies. mmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Just sayin'.....
Oh, and hi everyone! So tell me, what are great food combos that you love?
Just sayin'.....
Oh, and hi everyone! So tell me, what are great food combos that you love?
Friday, April 06, 2007
The Real Deal
It's gut spilling time.
It seems silly at this point that Jer and I have been so hush hush about our personal lives. I mean it wasn't silly for a long time, but now, pretty much everyone knows, it's kind of a widely known secret, so why not make it public?
Jer and I have been seperated since the beginning of this year. I won't go into any details as to why, nor will I point fingers or place blame. I will always have a great deal of love and respect for him, he truly is one of the greatest human beings that I know. Both of us have been in a lot of therapy to help us get through this time, it hasn't been easy for either of us. Now you know the gist of my therapy posts.
Now to answer some FAQ's:
Divorce paperwork has not been filed yet. We want to come to a friendly agreement on the terms, to avoid mediation or a nasty court situation. We have been waiting for each of us to become stable enough to work through this amicably.
We sold our house, and have each moved into our own places. We have been doing a 50/50 custody arrangement with our girls. So far it is working, but we're always open to re-evaluation.
Speaking of the girls, they are fine. They are young enough that this won't cause huge trauma for them. They don't like it, but they're dealing with it in very healthy ways. They have a lot of love from each of us, as well as both sides of our families. They're getting plenty of support and have not been neglected in the slightest. I'm actually amazed at how well our families have pulled together in not only supporting us during these difficult times, but making the girls the #1 priority.
I have a kick ass family, and kick ass friends. I've had to lean on them A LOT during this time, and have been amazed at the show of support that I've had. Family and friends don't love this decision, but they love each of us as individuals. At the beginning of this I was afraid that I would lose frienships in the process, but my friends have only made their friendship more prevalent. And my family has only been more loving and supportive. I'm very lucky, I couldn't have made it through these times without them.
We have both dated other people since seperating. Neither of us had an affair.
I blame much of this on the mind fuck and mental rape I had from the church. Jer and I actually had an intense conversation about this, just this morning. I plan on blogging more about that as time goes on.
I'm still on somewhat of a hiatus, but I needed to get this out.
As the PR reps would say, Jer and I will appreciate our privacy at this time, but still need and want the friendship and support of friends, both cyberly and in real life. If you have questions, you can ask, but we may not answer. Don't feel like you need to walk on egg shells around us, you don't. Please don't ignore us becuase you feel awkward or don't know what to say. We need you.
And now you know the truth.
It seems silly at this point that Jer and I have been so hush hush about our personal lives. I mean it wasn't silly for a long time, but now, pretty much everyone knows, it's kind of a widely known secret, so why not make it public?
Jer and I have been seperated since the beginning of this year. I won't go into any details as to why, nor will I point fingers or place blame. I will always have a great deal of love and respect for him, he truly is one of the greatest human beings that I know. Both of us have been in a lot of therapy to help us get through this time, it hasn't been easy for either of us. Now you know the gist of my therapy posts.
Now to answer some FAQ's:
Divorce paperwork has not been filed yet. We want to come to a friendly agreement on the terms, to avoid mediation or a nasty court situation. We have been waiting for each of us to become stable enough to work through this amicably.
We sold our house, and have each moved into our own places. We have been doing a 50/50 custody arrangement with our girls. So far it is working, but we're always open to re-evaluation.
Speaking of the girls, they are fine. They are young enough that this won't cause huge trauma for them. They don't like it, but they're dealing with it in very healthy ways. They have a lot of love from each of us, as well as both sides of our families. They're getting plenty of support and have not been neglected in the slightest. I'm actually amazed at how well our families have pulled together in not only supporting us during these difficult times, but making the girls the #1 priority.
I have a kick ass family, and kick ass friends. I've had to lean on them A LOT during this time, and have been amazed at the show of support that I've had. Family and friends don't love this decision, but they love each of us as individuals. At the beginning of this I was afraid that I would lose frienships in the process, but my friends have only made their friendship more prevalent. And my family has only been more loving and supportive. I'm very lucky, I couldn't have made it through these times without them.
We have both dated other people since seperating. Neither of us had an affair.
I blame much of this on the mind fuck and mental rape I had from the church. Jer and I actually had an intense conversation about this, just this morning. I plan on blogging more about that as time goes on.
I'm still on somewhat of a hiatus, but I needed to get this out.
As the PR reps would say, Jer and I will appreciate our privacy at this time, but still need and want the friendship and support of friends, both cyberly and in real life. If you have questions, you can ask, but we may not answer. Don't feel like you need to walk on egg shells around us, you don't. Please don't ignore us becuase you feel awkward or don't know what to say. We need you.
And now you know the truth.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Mini-Hiatus
Hi Everyone!
Apologies to those of you who check back here frequently to see my lastest updates, life has been nothing short of crazy lately. I'm in the middle of major changes and won't have internet access at home for a little while, plus I'm completely swamped at work.
I will be back, but for now, it's fair for me to let you know it will be a little while... no estimated time at this point.
Wry- I never got your text! :( I was so looking forward to it! The fact that you tried means the world.
Sideon- Thanks for becoming my text BFF!
Meg Slate- I'll never forget the time you told me that texting was a talent you don't have. Trust me- once you start, you'll wonder how you ever did without it.
I'll return soon. My love to all!
-Christy
Apologies to those of you who check back here frequently to see my lastest updates, life has been nothing short of crazy lately. I'm in the middle of major changes and won't have internet access at home for a little while, plus I'm completely swamped at work.
I will be back, but for now, it's fair for me to let you know it will be a little while... no estimated time at this point.
Wry- I never got your text! :( I was so looking forward to it! The fact that you tried means the world.
Sideon- Thanks for becoming my text BFF!
Meg Slate- I'll never forget the time you told me that texting was a talent you don't have. Trust me- once you start, you'll wonder how you ever did without it.
I'll return soon. My love to all!
-Christy
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Christy Savaging Degeneration: Text Messages and the Subject of Borders
It is my opinion that text messages are quite possibly the greatest invention of this century. Or have they been around longer? I'm not sure. Perhaps my friend Eric can give me further insight on that. I think I received my first ever text message in 2003, it was from my sister and it said "Boo!". Quite frankly I was a little afraid of it because I didn't know what it was or what to do with it. The whole "fear of the unknown" thing.
I was sitting in the waiting room of my Dr's office last week, and other than myself, the receptionist (who is probably Scarlett Johansson's identical twin sister) was the only other person in the room. I heard a cell phone beep and I watched as she picked her phone up and read the text message, and her entire face lit up. Then she had a couple of phone call interactions and receptionists frequently do, then resumed to responding to her text. She was giggling to herself and had a special glow about her... I couldn't help but wondering what the message exchange was, or who it was from. It was a fun experience in people watching.
Of course this reminded me of a couple of friends I owed texts to so I got my phone out and probably had similar expressions to those of the receptionist. All of this got me thinking about how great texts are. I believe they are the most convenient form of communication in this day and age. They're instant, and depending on the urgency, you can either respond immediately or take your time. You don't have to deal with voice to voice interactions or potential awkwardness.
Each time I get a text I feel special... I love seeing the little envelope on my display, is it wrong to be so excited over that? I remember when I first got the internet (Prodigy) in 1991, nothing would make my heart skip like seeing the "NEW MAIL" flashing sign. Nothing so small has made me so giddy ever since.
Not all of my texts are happy, wonderful messages. I get some sad, scary, and otherwise upsetting news as well. But receiving this via text allows me to deal with what I need to in my own way, without the pressure of instant response.
The one drawback to texts, is it can disengage people, especially if they're in a crowd of friends. I am so guilty of this! I have been in situations with a few friends where we'll be sitting together, but each off in our own world texting other people to our hearts content, when we probably should have been enjoying the company of each other. Oh, and I also ought to try to not text while driving. Although I have learned that nothing makes a stop light go faster than trying to text someone during the wait.
The point of this post is: If you want to make my day and know my cell phone number, send me a text! If you don't have my number but want it, let me know and if I know you and like you, I'll send it along.
You want to know what's better than texts? Picture texts! (but PLEASE, no chain/spam texts! I'll delete them just like I do the chain/spam emails!)
Does this post make me officially pathetic for being an attention whore?
I was sitting in the waiting room of my Dr's office last week, and other than myself, the receptionist (who is probably Scarlett Johansson's identical twin sister) was the only other person in the room. I heard a cell phone beep and I watched as she picked her phone up and read the text message, and her entire face lit up. Then she had a couple of phone call interactions and receptionists frequently do, then resumed to responding to her text. She was giggling to herself and had a special glow about her... I couldn't help but wondering what the message exchange was, or who it was from. It was a fun experience in people watching.
Of course this reminded me of a couple of friends I owed texts to so I got my phone out and probably had similar expressions to those of the receptionist. All of this got me thinking about how great texts are. I believe they are the most convenient form of communication in this day and age. They're instant, and depending on the urgency, you can either respond immediately or take your time. You don't have to deal with voice to voice interactions or potential awkwardness.
Each time I get a text I feel special... I love seeing the little envelope on my display, is it wrong to be so excited over that? I remember when I first got the internet (Prodigy) in 1991, nothing would make my heart skip like seeing the "NEW MAIL" flashing sign. Nothing so small has made me so giddy ever since.
Not all of my texts are happy, wonderful messages. I get some sad, scary, and otherwise upsetting news as well. But receiving this via text allows me to deal with what I need to in my own way, without the pressure of instant response.
The one drawback to texts, is it can disengage people, especially if they're in a crowd of friends. I am so guilty of this! I have been in situations with a few friends where we'll be sitting together, but each off in our own world texting other people to our hearts content, when we probably should have been enjoying the company of each other. Oh, and I also ought to try to not text while driving. Although I have learned that nothing makes a stop light go faster than trying to text someone during the wait.
The point of this post is: If you want to make my day and know my cell phone number, send me a text! If you don't have my number but want it, let me know and if I know you and like you, I'll send it along.
You want to know what's better than texts? Picture texts! (but PLEASE, no chain/spam texts! I'll delete them just like I do the chain/spam emails!)
Does this post make me officially pathetic for being an attention whore?
Monday, March 12, 2007
On this day in history, March 12....
Stealing this from my friend Eric, who did this one week ago today.
Thanks to Wikipedia, we know that on this day in history:
515 BC - Construction is completed on the Second Temple in Jerusalem.
538 - Witiges, king of the Ostrogoths ends his siege of Rome and retreats to Ravenna, leaving the city in the hands of the victorious Roman general, Belisarius.
1664 - New Jersey becomes a colony of Britain.
1868 - Henry James O'Farrell attempts to assassinate Prince Alfred, Duke of Edinburgh.
1881 - Andrew Watson made his Scotland debut as the world's first black international football player and captain.
1894 - Coca-Cola is sold in bottles for the first time.
1908 - The Pan-Macedonian group is formed in Athens to support the Greek Struggle for Macedonia.
1912 - The Girl Guides (later renamed the Girl Scouts of the USA) are founded in the U.S..
1913 - Canberra Day: The future capital of Australia was officially named Canberra. (Melbourne remained temporary capital until 1927 while the new capital was still under construction.)
1918 - Moscow becomes the capital of Russia again after Saint-Petersburg held this status for 215 years.
1928 - In California, the St. Francis Dam fails, killing 400 people.
1930 - Mahatma Gandhi leads a 200-mile march known as Dandi March to the sea in defiance of British opposition, to protest the British monopoly on salt.
1933 - Great Depression: Franklin Delano Roosevelt addresses the nation for the first time as President of the United States. This was also the first of his "Fireside Chats."
1938 - Anschluss: German troops occupy Austria; annexation declared the following day.
1940 - Winter War: Finland signs the Moscow Peace Treaty with the Soviet Union, ceding almost all of Finnish Karelia. Finnish troops and remaining population are immediately evacuated.
1947 - The Truman Doctrine is proclaimed to help stem the spread of Communism.
1951 - The Dennis the Menace comic strip appears in newspapers across the USA for the first time.
1956 - The Dow Jones Industrial Average closes above 500 for the first time (500.24)
1958 - In Hilversum, Netherlands, André Claveau wins the third Eurovision Song Contest for France singing "Dors, mon amour" (Sleep, my love).
1960 - A fire at a chemical plant in Pusan, Korea kills 68.
1967 - Suharto takes over from Sukarno to become President of Indonesia.
1968 - Mauritius achieves independence.
1975 - I was born
1987 - Les Misérables opens on Broadway.
1992 - Mauritius becomes a republic while remaining a member of the Commonwealth of Nations.
1992 - 13 are killed and several injured when a tram-car crashes into a crowd of people at the tram-station at Vasaplatsen in Gothenburg, Sweden.
1993 - Several bombs explode in Bombay (Mumbai), India, killing about 300 and injuring hundreds more.
1993 - North Korea nuclear weapons program: North Korea says that it plans to withdraw from the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty and refuses to allow inspectors access to nuclear sites.
1994 - A photo by Marmaduke Wetherell, previously touted as 'proof' of the Loch Ness monster, is confirmed to be a hoax.
1994 - The Church of England ordains its first female priests.
1999 - Former Warsaw Pact members the Czech Republic, Hungary and Poland join NATO.
2002 - In Texas, Andrea Yates is found guilty of drowning her five children. On appeal she was found not guilty by reason of insanity.
2003 - Zoran Đinđić, Prime Minister of Serbia, assassinated in Belgrade.
2004 - Roh Moo-hyun, President of South Korea is impeached by its national assembly for the first time in the nation's history.
2005 - Tung Chee Hwa, the first Chief Executive of Hong Kong, steps down from his post after his resignation is approved by the Chinese central government.
2005 - New SAT is administered.
2006 - Australia score a world record 434 runs in a One-day International cricket match against South Africa. South Africa replied by beating the record again to score 438/9 to win.
Raise a glass for me tonight and say "Cheers to 32!"
Thanks to Wikipedia, we know that on this day in history:
515 BC - Construction is completed on the Second Temple in Jerusalem.
538 - Witiges, king of the Ostrogoths ends his siege of Rome and retreats to Ravenna, leaving the city in the hands of the victorious Roman general, Belisarius.
1664 - New Jersey becomes a colony of Britain.
1868 - Henry James O'Farrell attempts to assassinate Prince Alfred, Duke of Edinburgh.
1881 - Andrew Watson made his Scotland debut as the world's first black international football player and captain.
1894 - Coca-Cola is sold in bottles for the first time.
1908 - The Pan-Macedonian group is formed in Athens to support the Greek Struggle for Macedonia.
1912 - The Girl Guides (later renamed the Girl Scouts of the USA) are founded in the U.S..
1913 - Canberra Day: The future capital of Australia was officially named Canberra. (Melbourne remained temporary capital until 1927 while the new capital was still under construction.)
1918 - Moscow becomes the capital of Russia again after Saint-Petersburg held this status for 215 years.
1928 - In California, the St. Francis Dam fails, killing 400 people.
1930 - Mahatma Gandhi leads a 200-mile march known as Dandi March to the sea in defiance of British opposition, to protest the British monopoly on salt.
1933 - Great Depression: Franklin Delano Roosevelt addresses the nation for the first time as President of the United States. This was also the first of his "Fireside Chats."
1938 - Anschluss: German troops occupy Austria; annexation declared the following day.
1940 - Winter War: Finland signs the Moscow Peace Treaty with the Soviet Union, ceding almost all of Finnish Karelia. Finnish troops and remaining population are immediately evacuated.
1947 - The Truman Doctrine is proclaimed to help stem the spread of Communism.
1951 - The Dennis the Menace comic strip appears in newspapers across the USA for the first time.
1956 - The Dow Jones Industrial Average closes above 500 for the first time (500.24)
1958 - In Hilversum, Netherlands, André Claveau wins the third Eurovision Song Contest for France singing "Dors, mon amour" (Sleep, my love).
1960 - A fire at a chemical plant in Pusan, Korea kills 68.
1967 - Suharto takes over from Sukarno to become President of Indonesia.
1968 - Mauritius achieves independence.
1975 - I was born
1987 - Les Misérables opens on Broadway.
1992 - Mauritius becomes a republic while remaining a member of the Commonwealth of Nations.
1992 - 13 are killed and several injured when a tram-car crashes into a crowd of people at the tram-station at Vasaplatsen in Gothenburg, Sweden.
1993 - Several bombs explode in Bombay (Mumbai), India, killing about 300 and injuring hundreds more.
1993 - North Korea nuclear weapons program: North Korea says that it plans to withdraw from the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty and refuses to allow inspectors access to nuclear sites.
1994 - A photo by Marmaduke Wetherell, previously touted as 'proof' of the Loch Ness monster, is confirmed to be a hoax.
1994 - The Church of England ordains its first female priests.
1999 - Former Warsaw Pact members the Czech Republic, Hungary and Poland join NATO.
2002 - In Texas, Andrea Yates is found guilty of drowning her five children. On appeal she was found not guilty by reason of insanity.
2003 - Zoran Đinđić, Prime Minister of Serbia, assassinated in Belgrade.
2004 - Roh Moo-hyun, President of South Korea is impeached by its national assembly for the first time in the nation's history.
2005 - Tung Chee Hwa, the first Chief Executive of Hong Kong, steps down from his post after his resignation is approved by the Chinese central government.
2005 - New SAT is administered.
2006 - Australia score a world record 434 runs in a One-day International cricket match against South Africa. South Africa replied by beating the record again to score 438/9 to win.
Raise a glass for me tonight and say "Cheers to 32!"
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Ethnocentric Darkness and the Postmodernity of Orgasmic Penetration in Christy's Following my Energy
Warning: The following writing is self indulgent. Hell, who am I kidding? This entire blog is self indulgent, that's why I started it.
How do you like my title? I need to give nods to my super fantastic friend Meg Slate, she pointed me in the direction of a title generator. I shall never have boring titles again!
I'm going to blog about the therapy appointment I had today. I feel so very fortunate with this therapist that I found, and hope that in sharing some of what I'm learning, I can help other people.
Today, my therapist told me to follow my energy. Since leaving mormonism, I no longer have any kind of spiritual guidance. In place of that, I have become too needy and dependant on other people. I have, in a sense, made other people to be my "gods", and have given them my core. It's either created a great imbalance for me, or else I've stagnated. Regardless, I need to work on centering my core within myself.
I am an extrovert. Any of you who know me in real life can say "duh!" to that. I get my energy by being around other people. I feel most alive when I come to work first thing in the morning and cheefully say "Good Morning!" to my co-workers. When I'm alone, I don't know what to do with myself. I don't really like who I am. I feel lazy and boring. I can look back on my life and count on one hand how many times I have truly enjoyed an evening to myself. So, I need to work on that. I need to love myself, and be at peace with me. Not to the point where I shy away and become reclusive, but I need to accept myself for who I am.
I discovered that I feel like a fraud. I feel like people get to know me and are attracted to my outgoing, positive, confident, friendly nature, but I'm afraid the novelty of that will wear off and people will see that I really am insecure and unaware. This causes me to shy away and possibly damage potential relationships and friendships. Granted, I do believe that I am authentic, I don't think that I intentionally put on a facade for people, I just fear that they think I am. If that makes any sense at all!
She gave me two sheets of prompts for writing assignments, as I wrote about here, and I love that. Blogging is fun and theraputic and all, but these are meant to be intensely private, provoking questions. If anyone would like some of these I'd be happy to share, but I'd rather do that in email, or a more private setting.
Her next assignment for me is to give myself 10 minutes every day, where I sit alone where I won't be interrupted. Also, set a timer so that I don't have to think about the time while I'm there, but I won't lose track of it, either. She said that for 10 minutes, I am to just sit and let my feelings bottom out. Just let myself think or feel however it is that I'm feeling at that moment... don't try to supress anything. Whether it's sadness, anger, happiness, frustration, anxiety, etc. This sounds very interesting, and I look forward to seeing how this helps me.
I don't have another appointment with her until the 30th... ugh, that seems like such a long time!
Thanks for reading. Sorry that the contents of this post weren't as orgasmic as my title! :)
How do you like my title? I need to give nods to my super fantastic friend Meg Slate, she pointed me in the direction of a title generator. I shall never have boring titles again!
I'm going to blog about the therapy appointment I had today. I feel so very fortunate with this therapist that I found, and hope that in sharing some of what I'm learning, I can help other people.
Today, my therapist told me to follow my energy. Since leaving mormonism, I no longer have any kind of spiritual guidance. In place of that, I have become too needy and dependant on other people. I have, in a sense, made other people to be my "gods", and have given them my core. It's either created a great imbalance for me, or else I've stagnated. Regardless, I need to work on centering my core within myself.
I am an extrovert. Any of you who know me in real life can say "duh!" to that. I get my energy by being around other people. I feel most alive when I come to work first thing in the morning and cheefully say "Good Morning!" to my co-workers. When I'm alone, I don't know what to do with myself. I don't really like who I am. I feel lazy and boring. I can look back on my life and count on one hand how many times I have truly enjoyed an evening to myself. So, I need to work on that. I need to love myself, and be at peace with me. Not to the point where I shy away and become reclusive, but I need to accept myself for who I am.
I discovered that I feel like a fraud. I feel like people get to know me and are attracted to my outgoing, positive, confident, friendly nature, but I'm afraid the novelty of that will wear off and people will see that I really am insecure and unaware. This causes me to shy away and possibly damage potential relationships and friendships. Granted, I do believe that I am authentic, I don't think that I intentionally put on a facade for people, I just fear that they think I am. If that makes any sense at all!
She gave me two sheets of prompts for writing assignments, as I wrote about here, and I love that. Blogging is fun and theraputic and all, but these are meant to be intensely private, provoking questions. If anyone would like some of these I'd be happy to share, but I'd rather do that in email, or a more private setting.
Her next assignment for me is to give myself 10 minutes every day, where I sit alone where I won't be interrupted. Also, set a timer so that I don't have to think about the time while I'm there, but I won't lose track of it, either. She said that for 10 minutes, I am to just sit and let my feelings bottom out. Just let myself think or feel however it is that I'm feeling at that moment... don't try to supress anything. Whether it's sadness, anger, happiness, frustration, anxiety, etc. This sounds very interesting, and I look forward to seeing how this helps me.
I don't have another appointment with her until the 30th... ugh, that seems like such a long time!
Thanks for reading. Sorry that the contents of this post weren't as orgasmic as my title! :)
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless (?) Mind
I must preface this post by saying I have not seen this movie since it's theatrical release. It's been a few years, and while my memory is top notch, it's not perfect.
This was one of those movies that has stuck with me. When I saw it I loved it, and it's clear that I need to see it again, very soon. I found it heartbreaking, heartwarming, and mesmerizing at the same time.
I've been thinking about my own life lately, and the recent roller coaster of emotions that I've had, my being in therapy, learning to discover who I am and really loving myself. I'm so far off from it, but I do see a light at the end of the tunnel.
There are moments in my life that I have loved, and often replay them in my mind over and over again. It makes me sad that with time, parts of the memories fade... sometimes it's the exact look of the person involved, the voice, the surroundings... eventually all that's left is the specifics of the moment in and of itself, and the details are hazy. I wish that the opposite of mind erasing were possible, where we could record these moments and replay them in their entirety, and get all of those feelings back again. It's these moments in life that I look back on with such fondness, and they really pull my out of my darker times. I need these incredible moments.
There are moments in my life that I loved while in the moment, but replaying them in my mind brings too much pain. I do my best to try to ignore and forget about these moments, but it's not possible. It's moments like this that make me wish that mind erasing were indeed possible. If I could forget that certain things were said or done in my life, then I could avoid heartbreak altogether, and more easily move on. I hate heartbreak with a passion.
I suppose heartbreak is necessary. Without heartbreak, you're not able to really enjoy and appreciate something good when you have it. If everything in life comes to you easily and without any effort or work, then what's the point? But where is the line when you're able to trust again, or allow your heart to open and accept again? At what point are we sabotaging ourselves and forcing a life of misery, when not necessary? As my mom says often, we tend to cut off our noses to spite our face.
My point to this, is that broken hearts suck. Healing takes a long time. Memory erasing is not possible. Permanent memory is not reachable. I guess it's true when they say that you can't appreciate the sweet without the bitter.
But it still hurts.
This was one of those movies that has stuck with me. When I saw it I loved it, and it's clear that I need to see it again, very soon. I found it heartbreaking, heartwarming, and mesmerizing at the same time.
I've been thinking about my own life lately, and the recent roller coaster of emotions that I've had, my being in therapy, learning to discover who I am and really loving myself. I'm so far off from it, but I do see a light at the end of the tunnel.
There are moments in my life that I have loved, and often replay them in my mind over and over again. It makes me sad that with time, parts of the memories fade... sometimes it's the exact look of the person involved, the voice, the surroundings... eventually all that's left is the specifics of the moment in and of itself, and the details are hazy. I wish that the opposite of mind erasing were possible, where we could record these moments and replay them in their entirety, and get all of those feelings back again. It's these moments in life that I look back on with such fondness, and they really pull my out of my darker times. I need these incredible moments.
There are moments in my life that I loved while in the moment, but replaying them in my mind brings too much pain. I do my best to try to ignore and forget about these moments, but it's not possible. It's moments like this that make me wish that mind erasing were indeed possible. If I could forget that certain things were said or done in my life, then I could avoid heartbreak altogether, and more easily move on. I hate heartbreak with a passion.
I suppose heartbreak is necessary. Without heartbreak, you're not able to really enjoy and appreciate something good when you have it. If everything in life comes to you easily and without any effort or work, then what's the point? But where is the line when you're able to trust again, or allow your heart to open and accept again? At what point are we sabotaging ourselves and forcing a life of misery, when not necessary? As my mom says often, we tend to cut off our noses to spite our face.
My point to this, is that broken hearts suck. Healing takes a long time. Memory erasing is not possible. Permanent memory is not reachable. I guess it's true when they say that you can't appreciate the sweet without the bitter.
But it still hurts.
Monday, March 05, 2007
And now it's time for some random thoughts by Christy.....
Hello to everyone in blogland!
I can't think of one specific topic to blog about... I have a few ideas in my mind, but none of them warrant an entire post. So here goes. In no specific order.
Celebrity look alikes. There are now three different celebrities that I've been told that I look like. Two of them I can see some minor resemblence in, they are:
Julia Stiles:
Or:
More than one person from different walks of life have told me that I remind them of Julia Stiles. Perhaps... it's a huge compliment, but I also think it's a stretch.
I've also been told that I look like Renee Zellwegger:
Or a brunette Renee?:
I can see this one. We both have the same cheekbones.
I went to a bar on saturday night and some drunk chick in the bathroom freaked out and told me that I look like Maggie Gyllenhaal. This was the first time I had ever been told that I look like her:
Before anyone gets all self righteous on me, I'm just sayin' that this is what I've been told, and I don't have a professional hair dresser or beautician every day. I am not going to post any pictures of me right now, but you can go through my photo label archives and see me there. My question, to my readers, who do you think I look like other than Christy? Any of these three? Anyone else?
Next random thoughts:
I know I shouldn't, but I can't help but giggle knowing that Switzerland unintentionally invaded Lichtenstein. Perhaps my dear friend Wry Catcher can chime in on this. I've been to Switzerland more often than I've been to Idaho, and living in SLC most of my life, that's saying something. I love and adore Switzerland more than just about any other country. To think they could unintentionally do something like this, and the fact that Lichtenstein downplayed the incident, restores my faith in peace and humanity. I think I should move to one of these countries.
Even though I've had colleagues in the United Kingdom for more than a decade and work with them often, I still have a thing for a British accent. I'm just sayin'....
I met a guy last weekend that had "coelitus mihi vires" tattooed on his left arm. (Although I think his Coelitus was spelled Caelitus, is that possible? Who knows... I was drunk!). He told me that it meant "Heaven is my Strength". He lost his mother at 26, and got this tattoo in memory of her. Even though I don't believe in heaven or hell, I somehow found this touching and comforting. I still like the idea that even though some of our loved ones have passed on, they are watching over us or still somehow there within us. Even if they're not in heaven. I don't like the idea that a person dies and that's it, end of story.
It's no secret that I love and worship U2, and think that Bono is an amazing poet and philosopher. Sometimes when I feel lost in life, I listen to or read some U2 lyrics for guidance. May sound cheesy, but it's what I do, and it helps me through some rough times.
One of my favorite lyric moments is from the song "Mysterious Ways":
One day you'll look back, and you'll see
Where you were held now by this love.
While you could stand there,
You could move on this moment
Follow this feeling.
From "City of Blinding Lights":
The more you see the less you know
The less you find out as you go
I knew much more then than I do now
And now you know what's been on my mind.
I can't think of one specific topic to blog about... I have a few ideas in my mind, but none of them warrant an entire post. So here goes. In no specific order.
Celebrity look alikes. There are now three different celebrities that I've been told that I look like. Two of them I can see some minor resemblence in, they are:
Julia Stiles:
Or:
More than one person from different walks of life have told me that I remind them of Julia Stiles. Perhaps... it's a huge compliment, but I also think it's a stretch.
I've also been told that I look like Renee Zellwegger:
Or a brunette Renee?:
I can see this one. We both have the same cheekbones.
I went to a bar on saturday night and some drunk chick in the bathroom freaked out and told me that I look like Maggie Gyllenhaal. This was the first time I had ever been told that I look like her:
Before anyone gets all self righteous on me, I'm just sayin' that this is what I've been told, and I don't have a professional hair dresser or beautician every day. I am not going to post any pictures of me right now, but you can go through my photo label archives and see me there. My question, to my readers, who do you think I look like other than Christy? Any of these three? Anyone else?
Next random thoughts:
I know I shouldn't, but I can't help but giggle knowing that Switzerland unintentionally invaded Lichtenstein. Perhaps my dear friend Wry Catcher can chime in on this. I've been to Switzerland more often than I've been to Idaho, and living in SLC most of my life, that's saying something. I love and adore Switzerland more than just about any other country. To think they could unintentionally do something like this, and the fact that Lichtenstein downplayed the incident, restores my faith in peace and humanity. I think I should move to one of these countries.
Even though I've had colleagues in the United Kingdom for more than a decade and work with them often, I still have a thing for a British accent. I'm just sayin'....
I met a guy last weekend that had "coelitus mihi vires" tattooed on his left arm. (Although I think his Coelitus was spelled Caelitus, is that possible? Who knows... I was drunk!). He told me that it meant "Heaven is my Strength". He lost his mother at 26, and got this tattoo in memory of her. Even though I don't believe in heaven or hell, I somehow found this touching and comforting. I still like the idea that even though some of our loved ones have passed on, they are watching over us or still somehow there within us. Even if they're not in heaven. I don't like the idea that a person dies and that's it, end of story.
It's no secret that I love and worship U2, and think that Bono is an amazing poet and philosopher. Sometimes when I feel lost in life, I listen to or read some U2 lyrics for guidance. May sound cheesy, but it's what I do, and it helps me through some rough times.
One of my favorite lyric moments is from the song "Mysterious Ways":
One day you'll look back, and you'll see
Where you were held now by this love.
While you could stand there,
You could move on this moment
Follow this feeling.
From "City of Blinding Lights":
The more you see the less you know
The less you find out as you go
I knew much more then than I do now
And now you know what's been on my mind.
Friday, March 02, 2007
Priorities! Or.... It's a Mad World
So I have to go give a presentation to my entire department in about 20 minutes (my boss just told me yesterday that I have to do this!) and instead of studying what I'm going to speak about, I'm blogging.
I just checked out Sideon's blog and he posted his most beautifully written poem, it was absolutely mesmerizing. But, he got some lyrics stuck in my head. Thanks Sideon, I'll try to return the favor someday!
I love these lyrics and song, so I'm going to share.
I just checked out Sideon's blog and he posted his most beautifully written poem, it was absolutely mesmerizing. But, he got some lyrics stuck in my head. Thanks Sideon, I'll try to return the favor someday!
I love these lyrics and song, so I'm going to share.
"Mad World"
Tears for Fears
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
Tears for Fears
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Sugar Cookie recipe and tips
After my recent sugar cookie post, I told C.L. Hanson that I would give her tips on sugar cookie baking. I've had other people ask me about it before, and truth be told, this is my one real talent, so here goes.
This recipe gets full credit from Betty crocker. However, I've been using this recipe for so long, I really understand how it works and how to make it work.
For starters, this is a 3 day process for me. I make the dough one day, roll and cut them out the next day, then frost on the third. This is usually because I at least double, often triple the recipe. It is soooo yummy, I have to accomodate everyone. This recipe is so great because it doesn't have any nasty aftertaste, and it's not too sweet.
The recipe:
1 1/2 cups powdered sugar
1 cup butter or margarine, softened
1 teaspoon vanilla
1/2 teaspoon almond extract
1 egg
2 1/2 cups Gold Medal® all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon cream of tartar
1. In large bowl, mix 1 1/2 cups powdered sugar, the butter, 1 teaspoon vanilla, almond extract and egg until well blended. Stir in flour, baking soda and cream of tartar. Cover and refrigerate at least 3 hours.
2. Heat oven to 375°F. Divide dough in half. On lightly floured, cloth covered surface, roll each half of dough 3/16 inch thick. Cut into assorted shapes with cookie cutters, or cut around patterns traced from storybook illustrations. If cookies are to be hung as decorations, make a hole in each 1/4 inch from top with end of plastic straw. Place on ungreased cookie sheet.
3. Bake 7 to 8 minutes or until light brown. Remove from cookie sheet to cooling rack. Cool completely, about 30 minutes.
The tricks I use:
Lots of flour. I only use the amount required for the recipe, but when I get ready to roll and cut, I put a fresh layer on the counter or table, I sprinkle some on the mound of cookie dough, then I make sure the rolling pin has plenty as well. I keep the flour container handy and am constantly dipping into it.
When I roll the dough out, I leave it somewhat thick. If it's too thin, it'll fall apart and burn easily. It's okay to make less cookies than the recipe says it will. This is quality, not quantity.
I use a pampered chef baking stone. This gets the cookies evenly baked, without the burnt or crisp edges. This also makes them soooooo soft and they practically melt in your mouth. The first batch will always take longer to cook because the stone isn't heated yet, but I cut down the time by a minute or two after that.
I don't use complicated shape patterns. Hearts are perfect because they're very simple and easy to scrape up and out. I also don't mind pumpkins, christmas trees, stars, easter eggs, etc. When you get into tricky things like bats (the animal, not baseball), candy canes, flowers with stems etc., the dough doesn't stay together well and the cookies come out looking warped, not to mention they're more difficult to frost.
As for frosting, I use the Wilton buttercream recipe. I took a cake decorating class a couple of years ago where I learned this recipe, and it is delicious!
1 cup solid vegetable shortening
1 teaspoon Clear Vanilla
4 cups sifted confectioners' sugar (approx. 1 lb.)
2 tablespoons milk**
1 pinch of salt
Except I use 1 TBS of meringue powder, water instead of milk, and clear butter flavoring instead of clear vanilla. (All Wilton brand products!). Also, I only use white shortening, in order to get the coloring I want. You can add more water to lessen the thickness of the recipe. For sugar cookie decorating, the consistency should be medium. Thickness is for things like roses on cakes, and thin consistency is what frosts a cake without getting crumbs in the icing.
Boring post. Any questions?
Monday, February 26, 2007
And the Oscar went to.... ?????
I used to be obsessed with the Oscars. I mean really. I saw as many nominated movies as possible, I would fill out my own ballots, and on the day of the show I would start watching the E network first thing in the morning to watch a history of the fashions, to the early preview of the red carpet, then I'd watch the show. The ENTIRE thing. Commercials, scientific awards, and all. This was my thing. This was my superbowl. And, I never wanted to host or go to an Oscars party, because it would interfere with my abitlity to actually pay attention. Just give me my TV and a comfy couch and leave me alone, you know?
I have only seen one move in the theater in the past year, and that was Borat. I don't even know if it ended up being nominated for anything? That's besides the point. I would have made no effort to watch the show this year, except that Ellen Degenerous was hosting, and I love that woman with every fiber of my being. She and Steve Martin have officially replaced Billy Crystal and Whoopi Goldberg as the Oscar gods, in my mind.
So last night I decided to watch even if I didn't know any of the movies, and was glad I did. Ellen did not disappoint at all. And I loved that they had plenty of musical and dance numbers. They tried cutting that out of the Oscars a few years ago, and it totally ruined it, IMO. Then again, I think that life would be better in general if it was more like a broadway show where people break out into singing and dancing at a whim, don't you?
I only saw about an hour of it, then I got a phone call from a friend, and ended up talking for 2 hours. I don't feel bad about missing the Oscars.
And today, I have strep throat. Bah. Give me sympathy or my feelings will be hurt.
I have only seen one move in the theater in the past year, and that was Borat. I don't even know if it ended up being nominated for anything? That's besides the point. I would have made no effort to watch the show this year, except that Ellen Degenerous was hosting, and I love that woman with every fiber of my being. She and Steve Martin have officially replaced Billy Crystal and Whoopi Goldberg as the Oscar gods, in my mind.
So last night I decided to watch even if I didn't know any of the movies, and was glad I did. Ellen did not disappoint at all. And I loved that they had plenty of musical and dance numbers. They tried cutting that out of the Oscars a few years ago, and it totally ruined it, IMO. Then again, I think that life would be better in general if it was more like a broadway show where people break out into singing and dancing at a whim, don't you?
I only saw about an hour of it, then I got a phone call from a friend, and ended up talking for 2 hours. I don't feel bad about missing the Oscars.
And today, I have strep throat. Bah. Give me sympathy or my feelings will be hurt.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
More about my therapy
As I mentioned in a previous post, I've recently started therapy again. Lemon Blossom kindly asked me for an update, and I thought I'd just dedicate an entire entry to depression/therapy experience.
It's no secret to any readers of my blog that I heart Dooce. Other than the fact that I believe she and I are total soul sisters, I so greatly admire how Dooce puts a human face to depression. She is living proof that depression does not discriminate based on race, religion, sex, upbringing, etc. It can happen to anyone, anywhere, I am SO glad to live in a generation where there is professional help readily available. I look at the way my father grew up and the way his father was, and it's clear he had depression too, but it wasn't widely talked about or treated back then.
I was first diagnosed with depression when I was 12. It was the weirdest thing-- I had a picture perfect childhood. I had siblings that I got along with, parents who provided all of my needs and most of my wants and gave me a lot of love, and opportunities to do anything I wanted to do. The biggest challenge of my childhood was the fact that my dad worked for the US government so we had to move between Utah and Germany a couple of times... but that wasn't much of a challenge. Yes it was difficult to say goodbye to friends and family for a few years, but the experiences I had living in a foreign country were well worth it and I always appreciated that. So here I am, 12 years old and in seventh grade, and suddenly feeling like I was taking up too much space and probably ought to jump off of a bridge. I mentioned this to my parents during dinner one night, and thank GOD they didn't take it lightly and got me into a therapist and a psychiatrist in lightning fast speed.
I was told that I had a chemical imbalance, which didn't make sense to me until many years later. I finally came to terms with the fact that depression is not just a mental thing, it's also a physical ailment. From agest 12-20 I was off an on several different types of anti-depressants. I probably should have continued on the meds after 20, but I didn't think I needed them, and after that I went through about 8 dark years. Of course this is all hindsight. By the time I was 28, I had finally adjusted well to my life and made several positve (although difficult!) changes, and was at last happy with the skin I was in. But it's kinda like changing a lightbulb. You can change it and it burns brightly for a period of time, but if you don't change it again when the light dims out, you're left in the dark.
I'm at a point in my life where I'm able to see the signs that tell me when I need to seek professional help. Sometimes, we just can't make it on our own. There's no shame in that. It's not that YOU did anything wrong, or even necessarily because someone wronged you. It's because sometimes shitty things happen, sometimes they don't. Sometimes there's absolutely no reason for you to be sad, sometimes there are. Regardless of the reasons, coping with life can be difficult.
I'm not saying that medication is for everyone, clearly it's not. I am saying that it can be very beneficial for anyone to talk to an unbiased, professional source. I didn't click with my first therapist, then clicked immediately and amazingly with my second. For me, the key to successful therapy is to be completely and brutally honest. They're not there to judge you, they're there to help. Anything you could possibly tell them, I can almost guarantee that they've heard worse. I had my second appoinment with my therapist today, and I went over the history of my last 10-15 years. She brought into light all that I've had to deal with, all the changes I've made, all that I've experienced, in a one hour session. She gave me some assigments before I see her again. I have to buy an artists book with a hardbound cover with a spiral attachment. I can use this to write in, draw in, scribble, do whatever I want. She gave me one artistic assigment (I'm not an artist, but she believes this task will uncover some of what's underneath) as well as 5 writing assigments. I told her "Oh, I blog! I blog! I write all the time" She thought that was great, but wants these writings to be so intensely private, that she won't even read them. It's all for me, in an effort to really discover myself.
There can't be any shame in the fact that I'm giddy with excitement over this. She is not only listening to me without judgment, but she understands me. She gets what I'm saying. She is giving me physical, not just mental suggestions. I am going to find myself, and I'm going to like it.
It's no secret to any readers of my blog that I heart Dooce. Other than the fact that I believe she and I are total soul sisters, I so greatly admire how Dooce puts a human face to depression. She is living proof that depression does not discriminate based on race, religion, sex, upbringing, etc. It can happen to anyone, anywhere, I am SO glad to live in a generation where there is professional help readily available. I look at the way my father grew up and the way his father was, and it's clear he had depression too, but it wasn't widely talked about or treated back then.
I was first diagnosed with depression when I was 12. It was the weirdest thing-- I had a picture perfect childhood. I had siblings that I got along with, parents who provided all of my needs and most of my wants and gave me a lot of love, and opportunities to do anything I wanted to do. The biggest challenge of my childhood was the fact that my dad worked for the US government so we had to move between Utah and Germany a couple of times... but that wasn't much of a challenge. Yes it was difficult to say goodbye to friends and family for a few years, but the experiences I had living in a foreign country were well worth it and I always appreciated that. So here I am, 12 years old and in seventh grade, and suddenly feeling like I was taking up too much space and probably ought to jump off of a bridge. I mentioned this to my parents during dinner one night, and thank GOD they didn't take it lightly and got me into a therapist and a psychiatrist in lightning fast speed.
I was told that I had a chemical imbalance, which didn't make sense to me until many years later. I finally came to terms with the fact that depression is not just a mental thing, it's also a physical ailment. From agest 12-20 I was off an on several different types of anti-depressants. I probably should have continued on the meds after 20, but I didn't think I needed them, and after that I went through about 8 dark years. Of course this is all hindsight. By the time I was 28, I had finally adjusted well to my life and made several positve (although difficult!) changes, and was at last happy with the skin I was in. But it's kinda like changing a lightbulb. You can change it and it burns brightly for a period of time, but if you don't change it again when the light dims out, you're left in the dark.
I'm at a point in my life where I'm able to see the signs that tell me when I need to seek professional help. Sometimes, we just can't make it on our own. There's no shame in that. It's not that YOU did anything wrong, or even necessarily because someone wronged you. It's because sometimes shitty things happen, sometimes they don't. Sometimes there's absolutely no reason for you to be sad, sometimes there are. Regardless of the reasons, coping with life can be difficult.
I'm not saying that medication is for everyone, clearly it's not. I am saying that it can be very beneficial for anyone to talk to an unbiased, professional source. I didn't click with my first therapist, then clicked immediately and amazingly with my second. For me, the key to successful therapy is to be completely and brutally honest. They're not there to judge you, they're there to help. Anything you could possibly tell them, I can almost guarantee that they've heard worse. I had my second appoinment with my therapist today, and I went over the history of my last 10-15 years. She brought into light all that I've had to deal with, all the changes I've made, all that I've experienced, in a one hour session. She gave me some assigments before I see her again. I have to buy an artists book with a hardbound cover with a spiral attachment. I can use this to write in, draw in, scribble, do whatever I want. She gave me one artistic assigment (I'm not an artist, but she believes this task will uncover some of what's underneath) as well as 5 writing assigments. I told her "Oh, I blog! I blog! I write all the time" She thought that was great, but wants these writings to be so intensely private, that she won't even read them. It's all for me, in an effort to really discover myself.
There can't be any shame in the fact that I'm giddy with excitement over this. She is not only listening to me without judgment, but she understands me. She gets what I'm saying. She is giving me physical, not just mental suggestions. I am going to find myself, and I'm going to like it.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Best opening to a movie EVAR!
I watched High Fidelity this weekend, I love love LOVE this movie.
"What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?"
Friday, February 16, 2007
The key to any successful relationship
I took a communications class several years ago. This is one of those classes that I absorbed every ounce of what was taught, and realy, truly internalized it. This class was about not just communication, but using communication to overcome your fears, which will help you become the person that you want to be.
The simple, yet complex, definition of communiction is Meaning and Understanding. For true communication to take place, the conveyance of the ideas through intended word meanings or nonverbal gestures must be totally received and understood by the receiver. It is imperative that both receiver and sender in an interpersonal encounter have a common background of shared experiences between them for meaningful communication to take place. The greater the overlap in shared experiences, the more enhanced meaningful communication is.
Whose responsibility is it to ensure that meaningful communication takes place? My professor believed that it was as much as 90% the responsibility of the sender, and 10% of the receiver, to ensure they understood what was meant. Take for instance, if someone gives me directions on how to get somewhere, they say "Just get on the freeway, take the 3rd exit, take a right and drive on that road for a mile, it will be the white house on your left. Where I live, I have I:215 that comes before I:15. Which freeway were they talking about? It is the senders responsibiilty to say "Take I:15", but if they don't, it should be up to the receiver to clarify. So many mistakes in communication take place when assumptions are made.
It is NEVER a waste of time to ensure that Meaning and Understanding have taken place. Everything that we are or wish others to think of us is exhibited in our behavior, verbal as well as nonverbal. What we are, influences how others react to us.
Meanings are not in words. Meanings are in people and their experiences. Words are poor conveyors of meaning. Offense is never given, it is taken. If you are offended by something, it is okay and certainly in your right. However, realize that if you are offended, it's because you chose to be. Try to understand where the other person is coming from, and be slow to take offense.
I went to dinner last night with a friend and she and I talked for over 3 hours non stop, and a lot of these thoughts came to my mind. Just thought I'd put them out there.
Cheers and Happy Friday to everyone!
The simple, yet complex, definition of communiction is Meaning and Understanding. For true communication to take place, the conveyance of the ideas through intended word meanings or nonverbal gestures must be totally received and understood by the receiver. It is imperative that both receiver and sender in an interpersonal encounter have a common background of shared experiences between them for meaningful communication to take place. The greater the overlap in shared experiences, the more enhanced meaningful communication is.
Whose responsibility is it to ensure that meaningful communication takes place? My professor believed that it was as much as 90% the responsibility of the sender, and 10% of the receiver, to ensure they understood what was meant. Take for instance, if someone gives me directions on how to get somewhere, they say "Just get on the freeway, take the 3rd exit, take a right and drive on that road for a mile, it will be the white house on your left. Where I live, I have I:215 that comes before I:15. Which freeway were they talking about? It is the senders responsibiilty to say "Take I:15", but if they don't, it should be up to the receiver to clarify. So many mistakes in communication take place when assumptions are made.
It is NEVER a waste of time to ensure that Meaning and Understanding have taken place. Everything that we are or wish others to think of us is exhibited in our behavior, verbal as well as nonverbal. What we are, influences how others react to us.
Meanings are not in words. Meanings are in people and their experiences. Words are poor conveyors of meaning. Offense is never given, it is taken. If you are offended by something, it is okay and certainly in your right. However, realize that if you are offended, it's because you chose to be. Try to understand where the other person is coming from, and be slow to take offense.
I went to dinner last night with a friend and she and I talked for over 3 hours non stop, and a lot of these thoughts came to my mind. Just thought I'd put them out there.
Cheers and Happy Friday to everyone!
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Sad Day
Like many other Utahn's, I can't stop watching or reading the news today about the teen gunman who went on a senseless shooting rampage at Trolley Square Mall. I'm not attempting to over-sensationalize this story, just express my sadness. As far as I know, I don't personally know anybody affected by this, but it's too early to say for sure. Trolley Square has always been one of my favorite spots in all of Salt Lake City. It's one of the rare and fascinating places that gives the city its unique fingerprint. I have always loved going there- as a child and as an adult.
My heart and sympathies go out to all of those who have been directly and indirectly impacted by this tragedy. While my own problems seem difficult to me, this puts it all into perspective.
My heart and sympathies go out to all of those who have been directly and indirectly impacted by this tragedy. While my own problems seem difficult to me, this puts it all into perspective.
Monday, February 12, 2007
I can be a domestic goddess when I wanna be!
I try to pretend like I'm a modern day woman who lives for every day conveniences, but there are still some things I like to do the old fashioned way. One of them, is baking. I love to make breads, cookies, cakes, etc., without pre-mixed packages. I still own and adore my rolling pin. There is something very satisfying about the process of creating something lovely from scratch. And if I do say so myself, I make the best sugar cookies!
My results:
And I have to brag about my BFF, Shiree! I had lessons to learn how to decorate, and she is self-taught and amazing!
Yes, Christy and Shiree rock at the cookies and no, you can't have any! Well maybe... some of you can...
I wanted to talk a bit more about therapy, and thank everyone again for your comments. I started going to therapy when I was 12, and have been off and on ever since. At times it's worked great, others not so well. I'm a big advocate of it, and I see no shame in admitting when I need help.
Now I'm going to go eat another cookie.
My results:
And I have to brag about my BFF, Shiree! I had lessons to learn how to decorate, and she is self-taught and amazing!
Yes, Christy and Shiree rock at the cookies and no, you can't have any! Well maybe... some of you can...
I wanted to talk a bit more about therapy, and thank everyone again for your comments. I started going to therapy when I was 12, and have been off and on ever since. At times it's worked great, others not so well. I'm a big advocate of it, and I see no shame in admitting when I need help.
Now I'm going to go eat another cookie.
Friday, February 09, 2007
Oops, I originally published this without a title!
It's been two years since I admitted to myself that I no longer believed in mormonism. The doubts and questions were there for at least two years prior, but it was two years ago this month that I officially stopped paying tithing and said "Joseph Smith is full of shit!"
At this same time I found The DAMU, (although my preference is now the new and improved New DAMU AKA FLAK), and soon after that I found a non-advertised underground DAMUU that I would link to, but I think they like it small and want to keep their privacy.
The owner of the board at that time was Voodew (who has posted comments to this very blog from time to time!). Voodew was trying to get some new posts going on the board so he gave us all thread assigments. Mine was something to the effect of "I may have left mormonism behind but I still act like one in these ways...."
My response was along the lines that I was worried about lightning striking since I recently stopped paying tithing (lightning did strike, my entire department was layed off within a few months. Then I ended up with a great promotion within the same company immediately after!). My other sentiments were that I was always wondering what I could do to help others. Mormonism was all about serving everyone, sacrificing yourself, give give give, go go go, collapse at the end of the day, wake up and do it all over again. You can never give enough.
Nurturing is natural for me. It is innate for me to want to take care of and rescue people. There is nothing wrong with assisting or helping others, but not at the risk of losing myself. Mormonism made me feel that if I did what I wanted to do for me, I was selfish and self-serving. I am in the process of breaking that cycle!
It's no surprise to some of my blog readers that I'm in therapy, although it may be a surprise to others. I had been seeing a therapist who wasn't really clicking with me. At my wits end I called the place that I have to go through for insurance purposes, and demanded someone different. I saw a woman yesterday who provided an amazing sense of clarity for me, and who really understood where I was coming from and very intune to what I need help with. For so long I have done what other people want me to do or think I should do, so I'm being introspective and yes... some may call it selfish. It's impossible for me to grow and thrive if I'm depending on everyone around me being okay, in order for me to be okay.
So, that's where I am right now. I've been going through some tough shit lately, a bunch of stuff that I don't want to blog about. I have neglected responding to all of my blog comments, because I simply haven't had the energy. Thanks to everyone who continues to read and respond... each time I get a message in my inbox saying that I have a new response, I get a little excited. No need to worry about me, I'm going to be just fine. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and I am going full steam ahead.
At this same time I found The DAMU, (although my preference is now the new and improved New DAMU AKA FLAK), and soon after that I found a non-advertised underground DAMUU that I would link to, but I think they like it small and want to keep their privacy.
The owner of the board at that time was Voodew (who has posted comments to this very blog from time to time!). Voodew was trying to get some new posts going on the board so he gave us all thread assigments. Mine was something to the effect of "I may have left mormonism behind but I still act like one in these ways...."
My response was along the lines that I was worried about lightning striking since I recently stopped paying tithing (lightning did strike, my entire department was layed off within a few months. Then I ended up with a great promotion within the same company immediately after!). My other sentiments were that I was always wondering what I could do to help others. Mormonism was all about serving everyone, sacrificing yourself, give give give, go go go, collapse at the end of the day, wake up and do it all over again. You can never give enough.
Nurturing is natural for me. It is innate for me to want to take care of and rescue people. There is nothing wrong with assisting or helping others, but not at the risk of losing myself. Mormonism made me feel that if I did what I wanted to do for me, I was selfish and self-serving. I am in the process of breaking that cycle!
It's no surprise to some of my blog readers that I'm in therapy, although it may be a surprise to others. I had been seeing a therapist who wasn't really clicking with me. At my wits end I called the place that I have to go through for insurance purposes, and demanded someone different. I saw a woman yesterday who provided an amazing sense of clarity for me, and who really understood where I was coming from and very intune to what I need help with. For so long I have done what other people want me to do or think I should do, so I'm being introspective and yes... some may call it selfish. It's impossible for me to grow and thrive if I'm depending on everyone around me being okay, in order for me to be okay.
So, that's where I am right now. I've been going through some tough shit lately, a bunch of stuff that I don't want to blog about. I have neglected responding to all of my blog comments, because I simply haven't had the energy. Thanks to everyone who continues to read and respond... each time I get a message in my inbox saying that I have a new response, I get a little excited. No need to worry about me, I'm going to be just fine. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and I am going full steam ahead.
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