In one of my first Blog posts, I talked about sitting back and allowing my daughters to make their own choices. For Halloween, they finally decided to be cowgirls. This surprised me because I don't have an ounce of country in me, but this was better than their alternative choices of Robots or Dragons. For their birthday they wanted an Easy Bake Oven (yay! I get to re-live my childhood with that! Even if it takes 44 minutes to bake 4 cookies, in addition to the 15 minutes of pre-heat time.), and Ben 10 watches, and a llama. A soft llama. They got everything they asked for andthensome, so I'm at a loss as to what I'll do for Christmas. But that's neither here nor there, carrying on...
Today when we were driving home after pre-school, one of them said "Mommy, when we get big like you, can we do whatever we want?" I replied "Yes, when you get older, you get to do and go wherever you want." So they started talking amongst themselves:
Emilie: We get to go into whatever stores we want and buy whatever toys we want!
Alexa: Right! And we can buy prizes for little kids all we want!
Me: Yes, when you get bigger, if you want to spend all of your money on toys, then that's your choice. But I think you'll grow out of wanting to buy toys at that point.
Which got me thinking. I distinctly remember when I was about their age, I thought to myself "I can't wait until I'm older, then I don't have to go to church ever if I don't want to!". Even though I didn't want to go to church, I forced myself for many years in order to keep my parents happy. I told myself that I liked it and that I was happy, but I wasn't. I didn't feel like I could make my own decisions until I was at the end of the rope.
Why do I still feel like I need to keep my parents happy with my life choices? My parents did a lot of things right when raising me. I had an ideal childhood filled with tremendous opportunities and a lot of love and fun, I have no right to complain. I was never spanked or grounded when being disciplined. I was, however, given severe guilt trips. My mom can be a master manipulator. In many ways, I think that is worse than spanking or grounding.
It's hard to let go. It's time for me to no longer allow what my parents think, to have any impact on my decisions. I hope that my daughters will have a sense of freedom of being.
In the meantime, does anyone know of a step by step instruction manual on how to raise your children, with proven success? Because I just know that regardless what I do, I'll manage to somehow royally fuck their lives up. How was I ever allowed to become a parent?
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10 comments:
Nope no instruction book from me. If you find one let me know I am in serious danger of fucking up my kids life too!
I also still want to please my parents, which is a huge part of why I don't tell them. They were and are very good parents to me and the thought of hurting them in any way turns my stomach. I have just decided to live with it. It's really not that hard, I live pretty far away from them.
My daughters tell me when they grow up they will be tall like me and can get their own ice cream. I love their logic!
How did we get to the point where we are parents? I just wanted to check in... Love the blog! You are still my favorite rambler! That is a good thing. So you are dreaming about me now huh? Scary! I am doing ok. I will be up for the holidays. I will really attempt to contact you this year! I still love you apricot!
Sign me up for an instruction manual too...I'll still amage to fuck up their lives any way!
I have a copy of that manual. It's called the Book of Mormon. I can send you a copy if you like.
Ramiumptum,
Molly the Mormon
How about trying reverse psychology on them? I could tell you how I screwed up my kids, and then you do the opposite with your kids.
Just start a therapy fund for them, along with college funds. Then, when you REALLY screw up, you can just add a little extra that month and let go of the guilt.
What's wrong with robots and dragons? That ROCKS! They could have been ROBOT DRAGONS!!!
I feel your pain on keeping parents happy - mom, mostly. My dad is pretty easy, but mom? No way. I swear, I could have married at 19 (as my sisters did), had ten kids by now, gotten four PhDs, and won a Nobel Prize, and she'd still be disappointed in me. I'm still working on letting go of always trying to please her -- I can never succeed, so deep breaths, and let it go. Bitter? A little (and by "a little" I mean "a LOT"). But screw her! Get me another tattoo with that beer!
Great post, Christy. You can rest assured that you will do fine, and your kids will too. The fact that you worry about not doing fine speaks volumes.
It's easy... just do what I don't
"Why do I still feel like I need to keep my parents happy with my life choices? My parents did a lot of things right when raising me. I had an ideal childhood filled with tremendous opportunities and a lot of love and fun, I have no right to complain. I was never spanked or grounded when being disciplined. I was, however, given severe guilt trips. My mom can be a master manipulator. In many ways, I think that is worse than spanking or grounding. "
Wait, did I write that paragraph? That's exactly my experience.
I love the response to this thread, thanks everyone!
Regina Filangi- does a person need anything more in life than to get their own ice cream? I mean really! I know the situation with your parents, and everyone has their own situations and timelines. You will do whatever you know is best!
Anonymous poster- Thank you for stopping by my blog! I couldn't love you more than I do if we were related by blood. When did we get old? (BTW for anyone else interested, she and I have known each other since we were born!)
JOOM- so true, so true!
Molly- again, until you learn how to spell RAMEUMPTOM correctly, I have no desire to talk to you.
Phoebe- you are the epitome of a wonderful mother, don't even give me that. Kids are going to do what they're going to do, no matter how well you raised them. That's what's hard for me, is letting go and letting them make their own choices, even if they screw up.
Rebecca- you crack me up! I think you would get along with my daughters fabulously. I wish I could afford you as my nanny!
SML- Thank you, that is such a great compliment to me.
Pete- And what would that be?
FTA- that's because we're kindred spirits! :)
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