Haiku time with a bonus!

I am getting old

There's no use denying it

Now time to accept

Several things have been brought to my attention lately that reinforce the fact that I'm getting old. Now, I don't say this to patronize, I'm only 32! It's like someone who is 15 pounds overweight complaining about what a fatty they are to people who may be morbidly obese. The fact of the matter is, there is no reversing the age factor, it's not like losing weight. Every day I get older, whether or not I notice it. To me, it feels like I stay the same, but everyone else around me ages. Then I wake up one morning and have kindergartners. Children of colleagues, whom I remember as newborns or tots, are going to Jr. High School or getting drivers licences. This realization freaks me out. I remember the first day of 7th grade, as if it were yesterday!

I was born the youngest of the youngest of the youngest of the youngest. I've always been the baby of my family, and used to being the youngest person wherever I go. All of that is fading away. I used to detest being the youngest, and welcomed the day where I would feel average. As you can see, this is all rather humbling. I don't hate the aging process, per say.... it just shocks me.

I went to the Lagoon amusement park this summer, for the first time in 12 years. I always had season passes when I was a teen, then worked there at age 16. By the time that summer ended, I was "lagooned out" and returned a handful of times before I stopped altogether. That's besides the point, just setting my situation up.

So, I'm in line for the bumper cars. The ride is still the same. The technology is the same. The cars are the same. The speech is the same. The only, and I mean ONLY thing different about this ride is the paint on the north wall. Really.

Back to standing in line-- I was sitting there reminiscing about my days operating that ride. I actually loved that ride because it kept me in the shade, and I got to test drive the cars to make sure they worked, or park them if I was on the afternoon shift. I was 16 when I worked that ride... so I looked at the operator, and realized that she is most likely 16. now. Holy Hell, I was 16 exactly 16 years ago. This means I worked this ride when she was a newborn. That was half of my life ago.

OH. WOW.

I can't stop this. My only choice is to enjoy it. Luckily for me, I look much younger than I am. Part of this is genetics, and part of this is because I don't love being in the sun. When I am, I wear insane amounts of sunscreen. I can count how many times I've been sunburned, on one hand. Yes, I'm pale and practically ghost-like, but I'm okay with that. When I'm 60, I'll look 40. Which brings me to my final point of this post.

My friend Patsy, whom I have blogged about, is still helping her husband fight cancer. Things aren't great, but they're doing what they can. She's living what would be a nightmare for anyone.... yet continues to do so with such dignity and grace. She posted this link in my comments, so I'm going to post it here: http://www.brycedbrown.com/ .

Please everyone... WEAR SUNSCREEN! If you're a parent of a teenager, do NOT allow them to use tanning beds, they kill! As my friend said, you may get protesting, but do it anyway. You're saving their life.

Also- cherish your small moments. Enjoy watching TV with your loved one. Express your love. Hug your babies tighter (even if they're not technically babies, they're still your babies!). Revel in the mundane ordinary. Love your life. Pass hope and kindness on to others. Just do it.

Henry and June

My dear friend JulieAnn blogged about it, and so will I. I was priveleged enough to be her guest at a screening of this movie at a small bookstore, downtown SLC.

First of all, allow me to give some props to JulieAnn- she is a rare woman who is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside. I've known her for just a couple of months, but she and I have a great connection. I'm so lucky to know her and be friends with her! Besides, she fed me some amazing food! Mwah! Love you, JulieAnn! Luck, I tell you. LUCK!!

So, we go and watch this film, with our respective SO's (yes, I have a significant other. No, I haven't blogged about him. Yes, he is HOT. No, you don't get to meet him yet!). SO and I felt very corporate at this shindig. Not nearly goth or hip enough. At any rate, they welcomed us, offered us wine and beer (which I partook) and we settled in for the 2 hr.+ movie.

I could relate to so much of what Anais Nin experienced. In this film, she is newly experiencing her own sexuality, as it relates to men and women. The scene in particular that grabbed me, is where she is out and about an notices all of these men noticing her. Wow, yes.

The first time I noticed someone notice me, I felt dirty. I felt like I did something wrong because a person of the opposite sex noticed me. Thank you, mormon mindfuck. This happened in 6th grade. I wore a miniskirt one day, and Marcus looked at me under my desk. I felt so violated, and evil at the same time. Yes, he looked at me, but it was my fault! Bad, bad me. I never wore that skirt again.

Later, in my married years, I recall going grocery shopping one day. A man walked past me and had an obvious head turn, watching me walk into the store. I was wearing black capri's an a light blue babydoll-t Tshirt. I was humiliated, and refused to wear that outfit again.

Back to Anais. god. This woman-- is exquisite. Considering what was taboo in the 1930's, she made it into herself. What she was, who she is. I'm certain that if she existed today, she be a blogger, to the likes of JulieAnn (Ravings of a Mad Woman), or Dooce (Heather Armstrong). Someone who knows how to eloquently speak her mind.

JulieAnn- Thanks so much for inviting me. I feel awakened. Alive. "innocent", and beautiful. I truly love it when I find someone whose words are exactly as they write- geniune, humble, real. They are what they are and offer no apologies, nor should they. I love people as they are, and am fascinated by how they inspire me.

The human species rules.

I got inked!

I got this tattoo last month, and am finally getting around to blogging about it now:

I LOVE it! I've wanted a tattoo for years, but never knew what I would want to live with, forever. Then I realized that I wanted an ankle bracelet with a heart shaped charm that had and "A" and an "E" in it (for my daughters!). Inspiration struck, and through several twists of fate, I was lucky enough to end up with Steve from Anchor Ink, downtown SLC.

Steve owns the company, and knew exactly what I wanted: Something feminine, badass, and meaningful, all the same time. I gave him my ideas, and he ended up with this. I love it, and know I will, forever!

Can't think of a title for this one

There are people who come in to your life, that I consider to be "Once in a Lifetime Friends". These are the people that you know you are lucky to know. The friends who love you no matter what, and that you love, no matter what. Friends that you may go years between speaking to, but when you do, you pick up right where you left off. Friends that you look at in awe, because you know just how lucky you are to know them. What's even more amazing, is that they want to be friends with you, too!

I've been so lucky to have such a friend. I've posted about her before, she's known on the Degenerate Elite as Patsy. She's always been supportive of my blog and leaves her great personality spattered throughout the comments.

Patsy is the most funky and fun person I know. She is the epitome of ultra hip, even without trying to be. She's always been, in my mind, the type of person who is the best at whatever she does. Whether it's cleaning her house, painting a portrait, drawing a charcoal ape, flirting with boys, baking a chocolate cake from scratch, singing, doing her hair and makeup, doing friends hair and makeup, swimming the butterfly stroke, playing the flute, drawing charicatures of just about anything, or harvesting the bones out of a corpse. Yes, that too. Her talents reach far and wide. And truly, she is the best at whatever it is. The spectacularly amazing part about this, is that she's so damn humble about it. She doesn't think she's the best, she just is.

Patsy listens to me without judgement. She has allowed me to return that favor by confiding in me as well. She has always offered an understanding and open heart, and has a way to find the humor in any situation. I've seen her face the harshest of lifes realities, and she handles everything with incredible dignity and grace. She is, without question, someone that I am damn lucky to know. It's crazy for me to remember a time that I avoided her presence (stupid high school drama!)

Patsy is facing the toughest challenge of her life right now. Her darling husband, her best friend and her soul mate, has been diagnosed with a very aggressive form of mestatic melanoma. His doctors have given him two months, but every day it seems to get a little more scary for them.

I was just at Patsy's house last month. I spoke to her husband, and held their 7 month old baby. This baby is the first baby that I've ever held that has given me those baby hunger pains. She is so sweet, and so loved. Patsy and her husband went through their own personal hells (he has fought cancer before, and was just told that he beat it. She went through a horrible divorce), and found each other 5 1/2 years ago. They are so in love, so happy, and have built a wonderful life together and finally had their dreams come true of having a beautiful daughter. Then they get this devistating blow.

This is where I need my blog friends and readers... if any of you have any experiences with this kind of cancer, let me know and I'll give you the link to their blog where you can offer support and/or encouragement. If you'd like to see their blog and I know you, send me an email and I'll give you the link. Otherwise, please, whatever it is you do to have miracles performed, can you please keep this family as part of your practice? If you meditate, pray, positive thoughts, vibes, whatever... please keep my friends in your hearts.

All of my love to Patsy and her family.

The Great and Dreadful Day

For nearly 6 years I've been looking forward to this day. I remember hearing and seeing other moms talk about how this day brought them heartache and sadness, and I thought they were silly. There has to be everything in the world to look forward to on this day. This day marks the entry into freedom, growth, space, and overall happiness. Those other moms were just saying it made them sad, to make them feel like a better mom.

Then, it happened to me. What is it, you ask? Today, I began the process of registering my daughters.... for Kindergarten.

*sigh*

For the most part, I am happy and not sad. I've always been a working mom and have had guilt over the fact that I'm not at home with them each and every day. On the other hand, I selfishly love my independance and freedom while I work, and love being "Christy" for 8 hours every day. However, there is not a minute that passes, where I don't think about my blonde haired, blue eyed beauties. One of my daughters, Alexa, asked me once what I do when I get sad and miss them. I told her that I have pictures of them all over my walls at work, so when I get sad I can just look at them, think about how cute they are and how much I love them, and get happy. Then, she asked me to give her a picture of me so that she can do the same thing.

These two girls have been the loves of my life. There are times that I get frustrated and lose my patience to embarrassing levels, but I've never know more beautiful, intelligent, funny, sweet, kind, and caring individuals. I have seen them stand up for each other "No mom, you are NOT taking her to the doctor to get shots. Take me!" , "It's okay if Alexa gets the last pair of spiderman socks today. I want to see her look cool!" (yes, they love spiderman and love their spiderman socks) , "Emilie, I love how you look when you're running in your sandals and wear capri's". These two angels are best little friends, friendly to others, sensitive, and inclusive. I couldn't ask to know, let alone raise, two better human beings. I am so lucky.

Just today, Emilie told me that she loves me to death and can't even stop hugging me. Alexa told me that she wishes she had a really big bum so that everyone can smell it. We all laughed, giggled, and snuggled.

In two weeks, they will start kindergarten. My perfect girls. They're not going to be the smartest in their class, they're going to be perfectly in the middle. They're going to make lots of new friends and dazzle their teacher(s). There is no doubt that for the rest of their life, they're going to be known as "The Twins". They'll have noteriety and popularity without trying, but I think they'll set a good example of how to be. I didn't ask for twins, I didn't hope for twins, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

I just can't believe how fast time has flown. In another 6 years, they'll almost be 12. Unfathomable. I love my sweethearts more than life itself. I'm so lucky!

Still, selfishly, I am looking forward to kindergarten. Mostly, I can't wait to see how their minds grow!

Vegas Baby, yeah!

I'm off for a weekend of sin and debauchery. I would return and report, but you know how it goes.... what happens in Las Vegas, STAYS in Las Vegas!

Huh.

Last night I made a very long, overly detailed post about part IV of my relationship examination process. I posted it, shut down my computer, and got ready for bed. By the time I was done with my routine, I realized that I didn't like the vulnerable and exposed feeling I had. I didn't realize that publicly talking about my past relationships would bother me, but this time it did. Perhaps it spotlighted my faults in an all too real manner. Perhaps I realized that I haven't changed as much as I thought I have. Perhaps I'm pissed that all of the pain I experienced still hurts a little.

At any rate, I'm not able to talk about it anymore. The post was up for about a half hour, I think a few people already saw it.

This weekend I experienced....

Dirt roads, childrens laughter, deer, four wheelers, relaxation, horses, trees, road trip, Idaho, hugs and kisses, excited faces on my daughters, dust, new friends, a hot shower on a tired and dirty body, isolation, views disrupted by other gorgeous views, bunnies, Gewerztraminer wine, cows, goofy grins, my daughters living their dream of being up close and personal with beautiful horses, wind on my face, Idaho strength beer, wildflowers, badgers, sweet and calm ranch dogs, old friends, chili and cheese potatoes, horseback riding, afternoon naps, air conditioning, a few read pages in the final Harry Potter, being awoken in the middle of the night by sweet dreams, good conversations, spontaneous moments.

I think I have experienced heaven.

10 Weird or Different Experiences

The lovely JulieAnn has tagged me to post 10 weird weird or different experiences about me. I have posted some strange things about myself in the past. I'll try to come up with 10 more!



1. When I was 7 or 8, I slid down the twisted banister of the house I was living in (in Germany), and my foot got caught between the slats. I fell straight backwards, and hit my head on the ground, hard. I passed out. My oldest sister found me, took me into the living room, and I swear between that time, I had a life after death experience. I saw the bright white lights, and turned around and walked back. I was confused as hell when I woke up.



2. I used to make myself pass out all the time, when I was in Jr. high. I learned how in 4th grade by accident, when doing what I could to make my face really red. It later became a recreation. Luckily my mom saw what was happening and got me some professional help.



3. I believe that in my previous life, I was a broadway diva who was very mean to people. As a punishment, I was put in this life with absolutely no talent but total desire.



4. I said it in the last post but I'll say it again, because it's that weird. My memory is insane. I scare people, and embarrass myself.



5. I take a certain medicine at night (Trazadone) to help me sleep. In turn, it gives me very vivid, realistic dreams. To the point that I've had to ask people if I dreamed about a conversation we had, or if it really happened.



6. I think I had my first orgasm at age 8, sliding up and down on a wooden pole of playground equipment at my school in Germany.



7. Speaking of Germany, I used to live across the street from some "Gypsy's", meaning a family from Yugoslavia. It was an old woman and her mentally challenged, adult son. I used to think that they were going to kidnap me, so whenever had to go past their house, I ran. Then I used to pop my head out of my roof top window and spy on them. The most sinister thing they did was hang their laundry and try to sell my mom a rug.



8. While at an ex-mo picnic on sunday, I ran into a girl that I've known since pre-K, in Bountiful. I moved away, but moved back to Bountiful in time for High School. Our groups of friends were friends, but different cliques. I remembered that in kindergarten or 1st grade, I slammed her finger in the bathroom stall door. I used that stall every time ever since, out of guilt. There was a little bit of blood left on the door, so it was easy to remember. She showed me the scar that she still has on her finger, since that incident, but forgot it was me who inflicted the damage.



9. After I click on "Publish Post", I know I'll come up with a million weird situations that I've had, even though I'm struggling to think of them right now.



10. My dreams have been known to be prophetic. Whether it's being in a room of someones house I didn't know existed, a conversation that takes place the next day. I'm not talking about deja vu, this is different. I have a dream, think about it the next morning, then the person I dreamed about will come up to talk to me and I already know exactly how the conversation is going to go.

*Sigh*

It's been forever since I have posted. I'm so sorry for those of you waiting for an update. I have so much to say, but so little time to say it. For the next little while, I don't have internet access at work. That sucks.

Today I feel that I have to post about something incredible, something miraculous, something amazing.

Are you ready for it?

Today. I met none other than. The one. The only. The famous. WRY CATCHER!!!!

I went to an ex-mo picnic in Lindon today. Most of my friends were there, all of our kids ran around and had tons of fun. yadda yadda yadda.

I MET WRY CATCHER!!!!!!!!

*sigh*

Okay, you asked for it. Part III in the examination

Where did I leave off? Oh yeah. End of Sophomore year with Stephen Flynn.



OOOOH, one part about my soph year that had an impact on me. Valentines day, I was sitting in my Drivers Ed class when the office aide walked in with a balloon, rose, and a card, and said "This is a delivery for Christy blahblahblah". I was shocked, because things like this never happen to me. It was a balloon that said "I Love You" and a red rose and a card that said on the outside "At first I thought I wanted you for one of my friends" And the inside said "Then I thought, to hell with my friend, I want you for myself! Happy Valentines day! From ?" They had actually written a question mark. I never did find out who that was from, despite relentless attempts and bribery. grrrr.



Beginning of Jr. Year, Stephen and I had worked out our friendship, and things were going well. He started dating one of my friends, and while I was a little envious, I liked them both and was happy for them. I moved on myself, liking and dating other people, even though Stephen could have snapped his fingers and I would have been his, at any moment. Jr. year was rather boring. We were great friends, but both being active, involved 16 and 17 year olds. We had common friends, classes, interests. I developed a crush in the middle of that school year on a boy named Matt Tolman. He was the first guy I wrote a note to confessing my interest. His response, to my best friend, was "That note was well written". There's a little more to that story, to be explained later.



That summer, The Cure was coming to town on their Wish Tour ("Friday I'm in Love"). Stephen was first in line, waiting over night. I went with our friends to say hi and take some snacks, and I said to Stephen "So you're taking me to the concert, right? I can't wait for our concert, we're going to have so much fun. The night of the cure concert, we should all get together to goth it up first", etc. Stephen finally said "You know what? Okay. I'll take you. I want to take someone I know will appreciate and enjoy it." and that was it. I was THRILLED. The concert came mid-summer, we went and had a great time! Then my mom scored some most excellent seats to the broadway tour of Les Mis. At this point, Stephen and I were hanging out every day, with our friends, or alone, and just having a great summer. Naturally, I invited him. He refused. I didn't get it. I knew he loved Les Mis as much as I did. All he would say is, "no". Our friends were equally perpelexed, asking him what was up? One night, when we were at a friends house, he was leaning against the hood of his car, and asked me to come talk to him. "The reason why I said no to going to Les Mis with you, is because I've already gone this summer, and have taken another girl. Emily Christensen." She was the girl at my school who was voted with the best smile. Plus, her parents were loaded. "But," he continued, "If you'll still have me, I would be much obliged to attend with you." "Okay," I said. "Sounds like a plan." The next day I saw him at a city carnival, walked up to him, and said "Nevermind, my mom already sold that ticket to someone else, sorry!". Truth be told, I sold the ticket to my best friends sister. The tickets were on the 5th row, orchestra level. Stephens loss. My loss, as well.



By our senior year, Stephen and I called each other "Best Friend". We just had a lot of fun. Both dating other people, but hanging out often with our same group of friends, so totally comfortable. In fact, he had a girlfriend before his mission, who went to another school. At this point, I was great friends with his girlfriend, and he and I would double date all the time. I think at this time, both of our families fantasized of the day we would get together, as did I. But, the interest wasn't there on his side, and I wanted to at least keep him as a friend.

The thing about Stephen, is he liked the girls that were out of reach. He only went for the really pretty and popular girls, not the average best friend type of girls, like me. I never had a chance, and I made my self too accessible and available. There was no challenge. This story is to be continued.


Moving on with my senior year, I dated other people. Started dating Andy Skelton, at about the time I asked him to the Halloween dance. I found out he had liked me since the year before, but never actioned his feelings. I was going out with him, and his best friend Arlo Weston, was going out with my best friend, Viki. The four of us did everything together, and had SO much fun. Andy was completely enamored of me, and that was nice. Me? Not so much. I was lonely, wanted a boyfriend, and he was ready and willing. Plus he was the best friend of my best friends boyfriend. This worked. By the time the casual Jr. Prom came around, Andy asked me, and Arlo asked Viki. Viki and I were bored.... I mean we knew we would go to Sr. Prom with them, so why go to Jr. as well? We agreed that it would have been more fun if Arlo asked me, and Andy asked her. So, I answered Arlo with a "YES" and Viki answered Andy with a "YES". The boys were confused. We explained how we felt, and they agreed to it. The day before the dance, Andy came down with the flu and couldn't go. I told Arlo, his family, and Viki, that in no way was I going to the dance, he should absolutely take her. Our answering to the contrary was just to be silly and have some fun. The next day, the day of the dance, Arlo called me and said "Hi Christy, this is Arlo. Will you go to the Jr. Dance with me?" "What??!?!" was my reply. "Look," he said, "I would have done something creative here, but we're leaving in about an hour and I need to know now if you want to go." "Uh... uh... Okay! Why not?!?!" was my reply. An hour later, he picked me up. This guy was a class act. He took both Viki and I to the dance. Paid for our activity, dinner, etc. We got out picture taken, all 3 of us together. This dance was SO.MUCH.FUN.! Arlo will always hold a special place in my heart for doing that.



I broke up with Andy after Valentines Day, because I developed a crush on the new boy, Clint Duke. Not much to say here. The crush was mostly unrequited, but I really wasn't into Andy all that much, anyway. He was convenient, more than anything. Andy did ask me to Sr. Prom, we went with our group of friends. Later he dated the girl who posts on my blog as "Patsy". He told her horrible things about me, and me horrible things about her. Patsy and I had a mutual dis-like for each other, because of Andy.

The thing is, I wanted to like Patsy. She seemed like fun, and we had a lot of friends in common. All of my friends liked her and went to her house often. Patsy had a total party house. My friends would all go there and have a great time, and I would sit home and sulk. The story of Patsy will continue, but to her suggestion in the comments on my last blog post, let me tell you about Andy's treehouse. OH, Patsy! I think you should draw a picture of it, email it to me, and I'll post it in my next blog post, deal?

Andy's treehouse was the biggest treehouse, ever. It took over his entire front yard. I'm not kidding, this thing is massive. Anyone who has spent considerable amount of time in Bountiful could point out the Skelton treehouse to you. It has levels upon layers upon levels. It had hammocks, tents, stairs, swings, slides, all over the freaking place. In my opinion? EYESORE. Our friends LOVED this treehouse, and many nights were spent playing tag on this treehouse. As for me? I hated it. I liked Andy, hated the treehouse. The structure scared me. No one else had a problem playing on this thing, but while everyone else would run all over it, I would sit on the swing over the driveway at the bottom. Next to the final slide. I think it was Andy's fantasy to live in this treehouse forever. If he could have had Patsy and I as his celestial wives? Even Better!

Patsy, the call is out. Somtime in your freetime, since you have so much working full time and having a newborn daughter, I want a picture of this catastrophe, drawn by Y-O-U.

So, yeah, recap: I still liked Stephen, dated and broke up with Andy, lusted after Clint, and hated Patsy, all in my senior year of high school. Andy worshipped me, didn't like that. Stephen wouldnt consider me, drove me wild. Clint titillated my brain, and still does, truth be told. Something about Andy landing a girl like Patsy after me, made me batty and oddly jealous.

The summer between high school and year one of college brought a lot of new things for me. To be continued!

Examining past relationships Part II

Thanks everyone for your great feedback on your last post! Writing it was therapeutic for me. It's not been painful at all... YET! In fact, I'm wondering how far I'll let myself write about. You see, I've been split with Jeremy since the first part of the year, and he's also a blogger. I will talk to him and see how he feels about it, but I know he knows I will be respectful and careful, only telling MY side of the story. Also, I've dated quite a bit since the demise of our marriage, and some of those men know about this blog (due to creative googling or me sharing the address), so I'm not sure if I want to write about those relationships or not. I want this blog to be drama free. We'll see how far I get!

Before I continue, there was one Jr. High relationship that I neglected to write about. And how could I!?!? This was my first *REAL* kiss! His name was Julian Mendozza. He was in my 7th grade English class, but I never noticed him. This was in Germany, and the Jr. High had 4 dances a year, all at night for 3 hours each: Halloween, Christmas, Valentines, and spring/end of year. The Halloween dance was my first major dance, and I was having so much fun! I finally made it into the popular crowd (eyes rolling here), and lots of boys were asking me to dance that night. For the most part I was too shy to accept, so I turned them down. By the end of the night I had a ton of adreniline running through me, and I had to stay until the very end because my mom was the student council advisor (yeah, lucky me!! not.), so most of the kids had gone home during the last 20 minutes. At one point I found myself dancing with Julian. I recognized him, but didn't know him. He was wearing a witches hat, and while we were dancing, I kept taking it off and tossing it like a frisbee. We were being playful, cute, like the 12 year olds we were. When the dance was over and lights turned on, we sat on the bleachers. He asked me if I would go with him, and I immediately said "No!" and got up and walked away. My parents were RIGHT THERE! Later I was chastised by friends, who told me that Julian was the sweetest guy who would never hurt a flee. The next monday at school, I walked right up to him on the school grounds and said "I made a mistake when I said no to you on Friday night. Is it too late for me to change my mind?" He had a big toothy grin and said "Not at all!" and we hugged, our friends clapped, Jr. High romance at its finest.

That week, I was staying at my best friends building, who lived right across the street from his building (Air Force Base housing here!). So we walked home from school together. He saw my friend and I carrying laundry down to the basement through the windows in the stairwell, so he and his friend came over to hang out with us. I told him I must have looked like a dork carrying laundry down and he shook his head and said "No, you looked FINE." *sigh*. The next morning we walked to school together, then home together that afternoon. A bunch of kids from the neighborhood got together that night to hang out and shoot the breeze before bedtime, and my best friend Mandy (the girl who french kissed her boyfriend on the playground in 5th grade, noted in previous post) said "Tonight is the night you two will kiss!" She whispered that into Julian's ear, grabbed all the other kids hanging out with us, and disappeared into the stairwell. Julian and I stared at each other, as nervous as we could be. We kept looking away, looking at each other, the ground, blushing giggling. Goodness gracious, I was TWELVE YEARS OLD. Then at one moment, our eyes met, we each took a step closer. He put his arm around my waist and pulled me close and planted a wet one on me. After that we stepped back, and he ran home across the street. The kids came out of the stairwell laughing, clapping. I went to bed, dreaming of that kiss.

The next day at school, he and I were shy around each other. We walked home again, keeping our distance. The next morning, I broke up with him. I wasn't ready for such a step. But, was it that, or did I get what I want and then leave? I dunno. I never missed him. He turned into a bit of a hoodlum after that. I found him attractive in the "bad boy" sort of way, but because he was not mormon and I was so, so mormon, I wouldn't consider that.

WAIT! One other Jr. High relationship I haven't written about! Andy Welch. I loved him. Looking back, he was my first true love. I knew him since 5th grade, but one day in 7th grade I looked at him and though "Wow.!" I loved him from the middle of November until... well that love didn't end, and was unrequited. I tried to get over him but he knew I had these feelings. At one point he had a little crush on me and wanted to dance with me at the Valentines dance, but I had plans with my family and dad's office to go Skiing in Innsbruck, Austria that weekend. I did have priorities. He couldn't ask me to dance with him, and ended up re-connecting with an old girlfriend of his, Jill Safkin. I had it for him that entire year. To me, he was perfect. I will always consider him the first boy I fell in love with. I know it was 7th grade, but I also know the feeling of love. That was it. I have no clue what happened to him after I left.

On to High School: I moved back to Bountiful just before my senior year of high school. I moved into a ward where I was the only girl my age. Everyone was either 2 years older than me, or 1 year younger. Instead of having me regress, they were nice and allowed me to join the laurels before I was of age, because those girls were in high school and would take care of me. When I first moved into the ward, a woman told me that she had a son my age (the only boy our age in the ward), but he was in Europe on some sort of field trip. Huh, ok, whatever. The sunday before the first day of school, he arrived. Stephen Flynn. W.O.W. Stephen was everything I liked in a boy. He was tall. Had sloppy hair but NOT A MULLET (this was 1990, after all). He had round glasses. He was my age. He.was.PERFECT. I could not stop staring. I was sitting on the stand because my family had to speak and introduce themselves since we were new in the ward. I stared at him the entire time. When I was speaking, I saw him sit up straight and listen to me. All I could think was, "I'm going to marry him". I just knew I would. We weren't introduced that day. The next day, first day of high school, I saw him scaling the stairs, and he was wearing a Smiths t-shirt. Could he be anymore perfect??

Nothing more happened with him until we started rehearsing for the road show and had to spend several saturdays and cast parties together. I was smitten, in a way I never knew possible. Stephen and I started this amazing friendship. We got together all the time and hung out at all the high school stomps, games, and church dances together. First time he asked me to slow dance was during "Somebody", by Depeche Mode. Second time was "Unchained Melody". I was sure the feelings were returned. We gave each other christmas presents, spent New Years Eve together, hung out at school, talked on the phone every night-- didn't this mean we were an item? He turned 16 right before the Jr. Prom, and told me how he so looked forward to that being his first date. I wasn't turning 16 until a month after that, but made it clear to him that my mom would still let me go to a school sponsored dance. I hoped he would ask me. I expected him to ask me. Then, I found out through my best friend Emilie (Yes, the girl I named my Emilie after) who was good friends with his younger brother, that he had asked Sharon Goodrich, one of THE most popular girls at school. And, she said yes. Ugh. Heartbreak. Crushed. Devistated.

The rest of my sophomore year, I felt like I lived in the shadow of Sharon. She was cute, pretty, and popular. I was a new girl (kind of. I grew up there and had just moved back. Sharon was actually my best friend in 1st grade), and not one to be desired. I kept my distance from Stephen the rest of the year, although I did try once to reclaim our friendship, by asking him to my first girls choice dance. We had fun, nothing happened, yadda yadda. During that summer, Stephen confonted me about how knows we were such great friends then I lost it when he asked someone else to the dance. He still wanted to be my friend. So we were very platonic friends after that, not talking about much else.

I can see that this is going to take more than one post, and this one is long enough. I'll continue the saga of Stephen in my next post. Suffice it to say, I carried a torch for him for many, many years. I hope he googles his name someday and reads all this.

Examining past relationships Part I

I read somewhere once that marriages don't fail, they conclude. It is sad for me to think about, but it's true. I've learned that divorce, no matter what the reasons or who initiated it, is extremely difficult. Not for someone who is weak at heart.

Lately I've been doing a High Fidelity deal where I've re-examined my past relationships and trying to figure out what went wrong. I'm going to talk about them, and on some of these, I'm going to use their real names because I'm hoping that by some small chance, one day they will google their names and see that I've talked about them, and contact me and let me know what they're up to.

***DISCLAIMER!*** This is only my side of the story. Each of these boys/guys have their own to tell. Please keep this in mind!

***DISCLAMER AGAIN!*** Because this is so long winded, this post only contains childhood through Jr. High. More to follow!

First relationship ever was with Jared Steenblik. I met Jared in my ward and knew him from baby age on up. Right before kindergarten, we were a hot item. I remember my 5th birthday, he gave me a box of play-dough. Later I went with my mom to drop the kids off, and when I got home, Jared was sitting at my kitchen table, playing with the play-dough he gave me. This is true romance for you-- after we dropped him off, he went into his backyard, cut across my best friend Emilie's back yard, and broke into my house which was 2 houses away. We spent Kindergarten chasing each other around the playground and sitting next to each other in class when we could, but the relationship had no chance. We were too young, and our parents wouldn't let us move in together. We were in different classes in 1st grade, so we only really saw each other in Primary each week. The relationship could not last, as I moved away and back a few times. We went to the same High School, though. We never talked to each other much, but made a point to sign each others yearbooks every year. He and I always had a special bond, there's something unique about maintaining a friendship with someone from your past like that.

After that, it was Chris Green. Chris was also in my ward, and a year younger than me. During the summers, his mom would babysit me a few times a week, so we were together often. One night his sister invited my sister over for a slumber party. I was jealous, and pitched a fit. So his mom said I could sleep over, too. We all slept in our sleeping bags in the living room. He fell asleep, and the girls stayed up to play truth or dare. My dare was to kiss him. Chris Green was my first kiss, and I'll never forget that! I moved the next year, and maybe said 5 additional words to him the rest of my life.

I had a crush on some kid in my 3rd grade class, and dammit I don't remember his name! I do remember fantasizing about showing up to school in a most beautiful princess gown, having him come up to me and kiss me. This was my first time feeling inferior to someone. He was "above my league", so to speak. The smartest, best looking kid in the class. No way would he like a dorky girl like me!

In 4th grade, I got to my desk one day with a note on it saying only "will you go weth me?" I looked around the class, couldn't figure out who it was from. I was grossed out by the idea, and threw the note away. It even had a decorated border! Later that day, a boy named Justin Hall walked up to my desk and slapped another piece of paper on my desk that said "WILL YOU GO WETH ME!!!" I freaked out, wrote "NO!!!!" On it, then slapped it back on his desk. Even then I was a spelling snob and said "Besides, I can't go out with a boy who can't even spell WITH!" After that, he tormented me with notes, then they got nasty. The day before Halloween, he passed me a note first thing in the morning that said "I'm going to screw you on Halloween". Yes people, this was in Bountiful Utah, and I was being threatened with rape at age 9. I didn't think to tell the teacher. That day during recess on the playground, he started chasing me, and I ran for my life. He chased me all over the place, relentlessly. I had some friends who saw was was going on and either ran with me, or tried to stop him in his tracks. When the bell rang, I ran into my class, and told my teacher what happened. The teacher called him up, had a few words with him, then sent me home for the rest of the day. As I recall, he never bothered me again after that. This was a truly horrifying moment for me. I moved away the year after that, and when I returned to Bountiful 6 years later, I asked about him. No one knew what happened to him. Sometimes I still wonder. Good enough reason why that couldn't happen, eh?

I moved to Germany just before 5th grade. I don't know what happened here, I wasn't boy crazy at all at this point, but I had several boys ask me to "go with them". I was a good mormon girl, and said no to each one of them. Even when the most popular boy, T.J. Daniels, asked me. My best friend Mandy started "going with" another boy named Cary Belmear, and they french kissed on the playground, in 5th grade!! Quite the scandal, clearly I wasn't ready for such antics.

At the end of 5th grade, a boy by the name of Jeremy Cochran moved and was new in my class. From the moment I saw him, I couldn't take my eyes off of him. But I wasn't one of the cute petite girls (always a bit on the taller side, myself) so he never had those same eyes for me. However, he and I became great friends, could really talk about stuff and things.

6th grade was boring. Not much to tell.

7th grade, Jeremy Cochran was in my band class. He was on the trumpet, I was on the flute. Again, I couldn't stop staring at him. We started of a conversation where we left off in 5th grade. I immediately re-ignited my crush. My relationship with him was rare, and I'm not just saying this because he was my first "Real" boyfriend (although we never kissed). He and I talked, flirted, and stared at each other for about 6 weeks before he asked me to "go with him", and I said yes. The weird thing about this relationship was that I dreamed the situation in its entirety the night before it happened.... in extreme details. He played football at the local rec center and asked me to go to the homecoming dance with him. Because I was a good mormon girl who couldn't date in an even extremely controlled environment (Pee-Wee football? Come on!), I had to say no. He still wanted to "go with me" anyway. After that, we both got nervous about the expectations and stopped talking. Didn't even pass notes. After a week I missed my friend and realized how pointless the relationship was, so I broke up with him, telling him I still wanted to be friends. Suddenly, we could talk and joke and hang out again. About a week later, I had another dream that he asked me to "go back with him". The next day, TO THE ENTIRETY, this happened. And I said YES!! This time, things were different. Keep in mind that in 7th grade world, 1 week seems like 1 month in the real world. ANYWAY, we started going out again. This time we didn't talk or hang out as much, but it was different from before. Then I started becoming popular. And my friend, Jennifer Ayers, found out that I was going with Jeremy. She looked at me one day and said "Jeremy Cochran?" And made the gagging sign with her finger and her throat. At this point I desperately wanted to be popular, and friendship seemed more important than boys, so I asked her to tell him to break up with him for me. She did. He came up to me later that day and said "Jennnifer Ayers said you wanted to break up with me, is that true?" I said "Yes, but I still want to be friends" and that was it. To this day, I have regrets about that. I could have handled the entire deal so much better. Jeremy and I broke up, then didn't talk much more after that. He was my first boyfriend. I'd love to talk to him again! I contribute the loss of this relationship to peer pressure. A stupid girl finally gets what she wants, then gives in to peer pressure because he's not "cool" enough.

The next two years are a blur-- I moved back to Utah, and went from a big fish in a small pond, to a small fish in a big pond. A lot more students and population!! I was a total dork. I'll never forget my first 8th grade assembly where I had to sit by myself, then listen to a girl talk on the bus ride home about how she had no one to walk between 4th and 5th period with, and how embarrassing that was. I may as well have been from another planet, and a loser. I remember a region dance for church where one guy named Mitch Schroeder asked me to dance. I thought this meant that he had a crush on me, but hindsight tells me that his best friend had a crush on my best friend, so he only asked me so his friend could ask her. I read too many teen romance novels at this point and fantasized about a real romantic realationship developing with this guy, but he never spoke to me again. I got over him, eventually. As far as I can remember, I have nothing to tell about 9th grade. Lots of depression, no romance.

Okay, this post is long enough, so I shall end it for now. I'll do a part II where I start with High School.

Haiku 4

Haiku is not hard
No creative bone needed
It is fun to plot

Haiku 3

I'm on hiatus

It is just for the weekend

Tuesday, I'll be back

If it didn't happen before "I Love You", then it didn't happen.

So says Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City.

I have become a newfound fan of Sex and the City. When it was in its regular run, I didn't have HBO, and was annoyed by Sarah Jessica Parker's public persona. The desire to watch the show wasn't there. Then the show started airing on TBS. So very curious, I decided to watch. Immediately, I was hooked!

This is a great show! I've only ever caught it on TBS or when I did a free trial of HBO last winter and watched a few episodes "On Demand". I LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE this show! I need to break down and buy the series on DVD. There is so much wisdom! I could have titled this post "Anything I Need to Know, I learned from Sex and the City". A few of my favorite quotes!: (There are others!)

Carrie: Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

Carrie: That's the thing about needs. Sometimes when you get them met, you don't need them anymore.

Mr. Big: after a while, you just want to be with the one that makes you laugh.

Duncan: I'm just one of those weird male aberrations who prefers to be married. I like stability, I like routine. I like knowing there's people waiting for me at home. I guess that makes me sound pretty dull.
Miranda: Are you kidding? You're the heterosexual holy grail.

Charlotte: I have never done a number two at a boyfriend's place.
Samantha: Honey, you're so uptight, you need to do a number seven.

Carrie: I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love. And I don't think that love is here in this expensive suite in this lovely hotel in Paris.

Carrie: You shouldn't have to sacrifice who you are just because somebody else has a problem with it.

I could go on. I love the writing, the acting, the directing, and most of all, the location. How I wish I had friends like that, scenarios like that, living in a city like that. For now, I live vicariously through them. I had a friend ask me who I relate to the most. The answer? Everyone, on some level.

Miranda: I have an intellectual woman inside of me. Also, some great maternal insticts.

Samantha: What woman doesn't have a sex goddess inside of her? Not this one, anyway.

Carrie: She has amazing insight into her single and lovelife. Talented writer. Secure, confident. Is able to get together with some of the most amazing men. I feel like when she says or feels things, I'm right there with her. I know, sweetheart. I know.

Charlotte: The woman I relate to the most. I didn't want to like her at first because this actress was evil on Melrose Place. However, despite the physical similarites of long, straight dark hair, I love her assertiveness with men. She never loses her identity, despite being head over heals in love. She has scruples, yet is highly sexual.

PS- My BFF Shiree reminds me of Samantha, in looks and oozing sexuality. I'm just sayin'....!

Haiku 2

German food is good

It goes so well with Riesling

Spaetzle is tasty

Priceless

Black capri sailor pants from Express: $60.00

Black strappy sandals from TJMaxx: $20.00

Black and white top from Vanity that is strategically revelealing: $25.00

Victoria's Secret Secret Embrace Push-Up Bra: $45.00

The look on the Elders Quorum Presidency sitting in a truck, tripping over themselves to be nice to me?:
PRICELESS.

Haiku 1

Blogging has been sparse
From now on I shall Haiku
When no other words

Simply Exquisite!

I got to meet Sideon for lunch today! This man is every bit as charming, funny, fabulous, and real as his posts. It was all too short of a time, then I drove him back to the airport. He kept thanking me for the ride, but truly, I was the lucky one. Who else gets to spend one on one time with him? Besides... well... a number of other bloggers. But still, it was Pure.Heaven.

Until we meet again! ;-)

One last thing-- HAPPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY to every bloggers favorite sweetheart, Sister Mary Lisa! After I meet her, I can die happy.

Cheers!

Yup. It really *does* rule to be me!

I got to talk to both Sideon AND SML on the phone today. AT THE SAME TIME!!!

I wish I coulda been there. Can't wait to read their after-posts.

Doncha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

hehe.

So Sweet!

This is my baby nephew Alex, and his dog Zoey:



I'm such a proud aunt!

Ode to Costco

Costco Costco... how do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

***sidenote*** Remember my prediction about Google ruling the world one day? I still believe that. I think nothing would be better than to have the president of Google also be the one who calls the shots for the world. I want a google telephone line, ISP, computer, electricity, etc. etc. etc. I told my dad this one day and he agreed with me, but said they really ought to co-brand with Costco. Brilliant!! It is clear where I get my intelligence from, no?

On to my counting.

1. Customer services is unsurpassed. I have never had a bad experience with a Costco employee. It is clear to me that those who work there are treated very well, love their jobs, and have a ton of loyalty. I have been told that here in the Salt Lake City area, the Costco Checkers make $20 an hour! That is fantastic! Satisfied employees are a sure sign of a strong company.

2. The stores are always clean. This is a biggie for me. Even their public restrooms don't give me the heebie jeebies.

3. The food court pizza and hot dogs are fantastic! Not to mention CHEAP! And their churro's are a huge hit with my girls. Everything else there looks tasty as well. I can feed my entire family huge meals for less than $10!

4. The frozen entree's make me feel like I'm feeding my family delicious and healthy dinners. From the grilled chicken/artichoke heart ravioli, lasagna, french onion soup, teriyaki chicken and rice, it's all very tasty!

5. The Kirkland brand. Most anything that Kirkland puts their name on, you can pretty much guarantee that it's going to be the best of its product.

6. The return policy. They'll take anything back.

7. Their bakery is fabulous! The pastries are always perfectly moist, cakes are huge and yummy, their pumpkin pie makes it possible for me to never have to bake another pumpking pie again, the tiramasu is impressive to take to parties, and their cheesecake. Their CHEESECAKE!

8. Produce is alwasy fresh. Their avacados, mangos, mango slices, apples, oranges, pluots, lettuce, tomatoes... YUM!

9. Their meats are perfect cuts.

10. I can't believe I haven't mentioned their prices yet! The savings make the $50 membership worthwhile!

11. Clothes for kids and adults. Always in fashion and reasonably priced.

12. CHEAPER GASOLINE!

13. Whenever I have to bring something to a potluck, it's always something from Costco, whether it's a main dish, appetizer, or dessert. From the festive holiday cookie platters to the yummy artichoke jalapeno dip, it makes me look like I have the talent and skills of Martha!

14. Buying diapers and formula in bulk for baby twins. 'nuff said!

15. I've been replacing my old makeup with the Kirkland brand, and I love it!

16. Their flowers are always huge and fresh and beautiful.

17. CHEAPER GASOLINE!! I had to say it twice because it's so nice!

That's 17 ways so far, enough already! The point of this post is just to say, if there is life without Costco, I don't want to know what it's like.

The Man who Rocks My World

Was born 47 years ago today. In those 47 glorious years, he has brought peace, kindness, hope, poetry, philosophy, and rock and roll to the world.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BONO!!!

I've been dumped

The therapist that written much about in several previous posts, that I worshipped and adored, has dumped me. :( Not really... her office is set up for short term help, and she said it was clear that I needed someone long term. Sadly, I have to move on.

She was amazing. She helped me learn so much about myself. She was able to clearly see some inner workings of my brain that I was never able to make sense of before. She helped me discover that writing (physically writing, not typing) is a lost art that I love.

I meet with a new woman this afternoon. Long term therapy, here I come!

The Banana Incident

In my previous post, I mentioned a banana incident. It's probably one of those situations that you had to be there to appreciate, but I'm going to tell the story anyway. I still giggle about it.

My second to last day in the hospital, I was sitting at a table in our dining area, with Zane and Scott. We were reading the paper, snacking, and having idle chit-chat. Scott got up to get some coffee, and Zane looks at me and says "Hey, check this out. I have no gag reflex!" He proceeds to unpeel a 9 inch banana, sticks it in his mouth and all the way down his throat, then pulls it back out, completely intact. My jaw dropped, I was in awe! Scott, the former police officer, raised his eyebrows and said "Just don't go walking around any SLC parks doing that, alright?" and left the room. As I was laughing at Scott's statement, Zane looked at me confused.

"Why can't I do that in any parks?"

"You know... SLC parks? Teehee! Wink Wink, nudge nudge!"

"I don't get it, can you spell it out for me?" Thank goodness, Scott walked back in. "Scott, Zane doesn't get your last statement, will you please explain it to him?"

Scott says "Look. When you go to certain areas of some of the larger SLC parks, like Fairmont or Liberty, it is notorious for closted gay men to park their cars and hook up. Some back in, some park forward, depending on their preference. If you walk in front of their cars sticking a banana down your throat like that, they're going to think you want a date. If that's not your thing, I suggest you don't do it." I had seen a few stories on the news over the years to know what Scott was talking about. Also, Scott used to patrol these areas.

Zane looked shocked, and we were laughing about it. As people came in the room, I said "Guess what! Zane can stick an entire banana down his throat and pull it back out!" The looks on their faces were priceless.

I gave it up. It was funny while it lasted, but I could tell that Zane was annoyed, I had told enough people, so I was done. At dinner time, Evan sat down next to me. I looked at his tray, and saw a large banana. I said:

"Evan, don't ask me any questions, but when Zane sits down, offer him your banana."

"Why?" Evan said.

"Don't ask questions! Trust me, just offer your banana to him. I'lll explain later. TRUST ME!"

Zane sat down at the table next to us, his back faced Evan's back. I couldn't have more perfectly planned their sitting.

After Zane sits down, Evan leans backward with his banana in hand and said "Hey Zane, would you like my banana?"

A bunch of people (that I had told the story to) start laughing. Zane laughed and gave me a dirty look. He then grabbed Evan's collar, grabbed his banana off his tray, and says "I've got my own, BITCH!" Both tables bursted with laughter. I was pretty proud of myself, thinking that there was no way I could have planned the entire situation better.

Then. Zane's mom comes out of the blue. "Hi Zane! I wanted to see how you were doing. Apparently you're just fine!"

You just can't plan these things.

My Celebrity Look-Alikes... WTF?

No Julia Stiles, Maggie Gyllenhaal, or Renee Zellweger!

The People

"In a sky full of people, only some learn to fly. Isn't that Crazy" ~Seal

I want to write about some of the people that I met at the crazy place. None of their names are the actual names. These characters will likely come up in future blog posts. The following post was written for purely selfsih reasons, I don't expect anyone to really pay attention to it. I just didn't want to forget these details.

The first person I met was John. He is the man who came up to me my first night and told me that I was going to be okay. The next morning I was sitting on the couch in the dining area, and he sat next to me. He asked me if I was a cutter. I asked him if I looked like a cutter, and he said yes. I told him no, and told him what happened. He told me that he drove his car into a concrete wall on the freeway going 115 MPH. The airbags saved his life, and broke his ribs. John and I clicked immediately, he became one of my favorite people. He never got to move up to my unit but was given cafeteria priveleges, so I got to see him every day. Every time he saw me, he told me I looked 100 times better than I did the day before. Later he told me that my first night there I was so roughed up, I looked like a wrestler. We joked about that ever since.

After I moved into the adult unit, I met TJ. TJ seemed like a typical boyscout, and for some reason I felt safer having him there. He became my hero after he gave me one of his disposable razors so I didn't have to be an amazon woman anymore. (we were trusted with razors in the shower, but had to give them back). TJ also told me I looked better every time I saw him. One night we had a fire alarm go off at 3AM, and he was running up and down the halls banging on everyones door making sure they were awake (fals alarm). He was there for two weeks, and I never knew why.

Stuart. I could write poetry about Stuart. Possibly the most beautiful soul I have ever met. He is active LDS, has an adorable wife and baby son. He was very sad. For absolutely no reason. He said he's always suffered with depression. He was there for electric shock treatment. My first day there, I was napping in my room, and heard music down the hall. I thought it was the radio, so I went to see what was up. It was Stuart playing his guitar and singing "The World I Know" by Collective Soul. When he was done I asked him if he took requests, but unfortunately he didn't know anything by U2. He introduced himself to me, and after that, for some reason was comfortable with me. I found out later that he was excruciatingly shy and didn't introduce himself to anyone. He sat by me at group therapy sessions and at mealtimes. He played his guitar for us every night, it was a major mood boost. He was discharged the day before I was, and he was terrified to go home and face his reality. Such talent in this beautiful soul, such kindness. So much sadness. I don't get it. I just don't get it. I will always have a part of Stuart in my heart.

Sammie, my roommate. She is a southern belle that swears like a sailor, we got along great. She had some of the funniest sayings and was hilarious without trying. Sammie has lived alone most of her life. Her family lives across the country, and she has two cats for companions. She OD'd on over the counter pills with whiskey, because tired of her sad, lonely, and also overwhelming life. Going to this place was heaven for her. She was constantly surrounded by people who understood her, talked to her, and laughed with her. This was like a vacation at a restort for her. At night time, she would talk and talk and talk my ear off. One time I got up to go to the bathroom and closed the door. She kept talking to me. I shouted through the door "Sammie, I don't mean to be rude, but I have a shy bladder and can't talk and pee at the same time." And she said "oh, ok." then continued talking. *sigh* My last night there I tried going to bed after she was already asleep, but as soon as I entered the room, she started talking. No sleep for Christy.

Evan, former high school jock in his mid 20's. Alcoholic, drug addict, depressive. Very attractive guy, but was mostly stand-offish. However, once in awhile he would completely blow me away by sharing some deep, personal secrets. He had a great soul, just didn't want it to be widely known. He is staying there to detox, then entering a 30 day program to help him overcome his addictions. I admire him for having the strength to seek help at such a young age. He has a lot of bravery and I cross my fingers that he will make it.

Danny is 22, formerly in the Navy. Tall, thin, shoulder length curly dark hair with shine to make any girl green with envy. He also had tattoo's all over his body. I like to call him "Drama Queen". Every group session, we would brace ourselves for Danny to talk because he would go on and on and tell the same stories every time. He loved being the center of attention, loved being dramatic, loved the drugs he was getting (valium) to help him overcome anxiety and depression. He was a good guy, we had some good conversations. I don't know how he'll handle life in the real world, I'm afraid he'll go back to his old ways. He thought I was his age. Heh.

Hannah is also 22, she had been in the facility for two weeks, was still there when I left. This poor girl has experienced more pain and anguish in her life than anyone should ever have to in a million years. She watched her father kill her little brother when she was 4 and her brother was 18 months. He went to prison for 7 years then her mom welcomed him back home. She married her high school sweetheart when she was 18, he passed away in his sleep when they were 20. She has a quietly optimistic attitude. She was real.

Janet is a BYU student about to graduate, married in the temple with two kids, and is addicted to pain pills. She left the same day I did and is headed to a wilderness program in southern Utah for 35 days to overcome her addiction. She and I connected right away. After I was finally granted access to walk around without an escort, she and I went for a walk together. She told me "Christy, I just wanted to share something with you. Whenever people get up in sacrament meeting and say 'I know the church is true', I think that I just want to get up there and say 'the gospel of the church is true, but the people are not'". I just smiled and nodded, it wasn't the time to blow up and say "I didn't leave because I was offended! It was the history!".

Zane is a cool punk kid, and was kicked out of 3 universities for dealing drugs such as heroine, cocaine, and meth out of his dorm rooms. He dressed ultra hip and had gauges in his ears, with black spikey hair streaked with bright colors. This was his second attempt at detoxing. When his meds weren't kicking his ass and forcing him to sleep, he was funny, articulate, and intelligent. He is also the instigator of "The Banana Incident" that will deserve its own blog entry in the future. The night before I left, his friends called him and had relapsed. They said "Zane, you've relapsed before, you can relapse again! Fake it and get out of there and come do meth with us!" This devistated Zane and the doctors decided not to release him until he finds other methods of support when he leaves. When I left he gave me a big hug and wrote his number down and said "You better call me!".

Bob was a big brother/father figure to me. He is a rugged truck driver with a rough exterior but has the softest, most tender insides. He and I joked around a lot and had a lot of laughs together. Not once but twice he tried to force me to watch "Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy"... ugh! He's been unhappily married for 20 years, really wants a divorce, but has two daughters that he doesn't want to disappoint. One of his daughters was raped on easter two years ago, and he has a lot of residual anger from that. This recent easter, it all became too much for him, so he put a gun to his head and tried to pull the trigger, but it didn't go off. So then he took some anti anxiety meds with some whiskey. My last night there he banged on my bedroom door after I was asleep and said "GOODNIGHT!", reminding me of a pesky older brother.

The last person I'll write about is Scott. Scott is a former police officer for one of SLC's toughest neighborhoods. He was very attractive, in extremely great physical condition. His wife looked like a barbie doll and he had four above average looking children. You would never expect to see someone like him suffer with such severe depression. Scott was shot in the line of duty a few years ago, and had to medically retire. He told me that there is so much going on in our communities that doesn't make the 6 or 10 o'clock news.

There were many others. A retired school teacher. And alcoholic single mother. An alcoholic stay at home mom of four children. A beauty queen who suffers from narcotics addiction. A woman whose husband was leaving her after his 16th affair. The day before I left, two women detoxing from meth were admitted. I've never seen anyone detox before, it was quite the reality check. I never want to forget those images.

So many different people, so many different paths in life. Somehow, we all ended up at the same place at the same time, and had no masks to hide behind. Depression and addiction does not discriminate.

"Imagine all the people living for today" ~John Lennon

A conversation I never thought I would have with my dad

Me: I appreciate mom's offer to come help me finish unpacking, but I don't want her to see that I have beer in my fridge.

Dad: You know, I love beer, I always have. I would be fine with just keeping some of the non-alcoholic kind on hand because I just like the taste. But she could not handle that.

My Forecast

In the future, I have no idea what year, I believe that Google will and should take over the world.

And so it goes....

You don't find your identity, you create it. ~James, Psychotherapist

20 years after being diagnosed with depression, it finally happened. I wound up in the looney bin. Crazy place. Mental Hospital. Psych Ward. For my friends that sent me emails, phone calls, text messages, voicemails, etc., now you know why. Also, now that I've been to the looney bin, I can finally make looney bin jokes, so it's all been worth it! It's like being jewish, a dentist, or black. You can only make the jokes if you are of that persuasion. I am officially a mental case! I can make fun of crazy people any time I want. YES!!!

If Dooce can blog about it, then so can I!

Last friday (the 13th, ironically enough), I reached the darkest, saddest, scariest moment of my life. I didn't really want to kill myself, I just wanted to sleep for a very, very, very, VERY long time. I didn't have my kids last weekend, and hadn't stopped crying for 3 days. I saw my therapist, and she suggested that I call my psychiatrist ASAP to ask for a medicine increase. I called on my drive away from her office, but couldn't get in until the next afternoon.

That was just too long for me.

I went to work on Friday morning and was felt so overwhelmed. With everything. I've been so sad and lonely lately. I've been overwhelmed with work, life, kids, seperation/pending divorce, lack of computer at home (have I mentioned that this is being typed on my brank spankin' new HP Laptop with a 17 inch hi-def widescreen monitor and 240 gig hard drive?), lack of interaction with my friends and family, etc. etc. etc. I couldn't function anymore. I was getting nothing done. So, I went home.

When I got home, I grabbed a bottle of water and my bottle of anti-anxiety meds. I took one, and started journaling my thoughts. I was still in pain. So I took another, continued to write. Still in pain. I took another, and yup, still in pain. Soon enough, I felt ready to sleep. I sent Jer a text asking him to cancel my dr. appointment for the afternoon, and to arrange pre-school pick up for the girls. I told him I was going to sleep. Because of some previous conversations and fights we had over the day prior, he knew something was up. He called my parents, the paramedics, and my apartment manager. By the time they all got there, I was pretty out of it. I was immediately taken to the ER. At this point I was pissed and angry at Jeremy. How dare he do this to me! I sent some super nasty texts to him, was not very responsive to the ER techs (I had just taken a few anti anxiety meds!), so I was admitted to the psych ward for imprisonment... er, I mean, observation.

This place truly was crazy, and I was still pissed. I wasn't allowed bedsheets or pillowcases, not even a hair brush, or my own clothes. I was in scrubs with a plastic comb and slept between two blankets. There was one dude walking up and down the halls in his flip flops yelling at everyone he saw. He would flip his lunch and dinner trays. He would listen to others phone calls and yell out his own answers. There was another dude there who didn't stop talking, ever. A girl who would complain over everything, including possibly losing an eyelash. This place was not for me. I only felt more lonely and isolated. This place was dark, sad, and depressing beyond anything I've ever seen before. I sat and contemplated my escape. I didn't care if I had to walk 20 miles home, I was getting out of there. I went to group therapy that night, and told them on a mood scale of 1-10, I was a 2. In reality, I was a negative 10. This was the worst night of my life. After therapy, the only other seemingly "normal" person came up to me and touched my shoulder and he said "Hey, I've been where you are. You're going to be okay." and left. Later that night I would proceed to call Jeremy and tell him I hope he dies and goes to hell, yelled at a nurse for berating me and told him to never deal with me again, and cried to my mom on the phone because she was "too tired" to visit me that night. The night I needed her the most.

The next day I talked to a psychiatrist, who told me that I scared him, but he knew I didn't belong in the ward. He said that if I promise not to hurt myself or try to escape, he would move me to the next unit up, where I would have more freedoms and be surrounded by more like-minded people. I promised him, and was transferred right away.

In the next few days, I will blog more about this experience. It is something I never want to forget. I will blog about the people that I met... it's amazing how all different walks of life are affected by depression. How people from such different backgrounds can all end up at the same place at the same time. I will also blog about my learnings, in hopes that they will perhaps help others.

Until then, I'm not ashamed to admit that I spent a few days in "The Crazy Place". I'm just glad the help was there.

Oh, and I'm not mad at Jer anymore.

Match Made in Heaven

Coffee and Girlscout cookies. mmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Just sayin'.....


Oh, and hi everyone! So tell me, what are great food combos that you love?

The Real Deal

It's gut spilling time.

It seems silly at this point that Jer and I have been so hush hush about our personal lives. I mean it wasn't silly for a long time, but now, pretty much everyone knows, it's kind of a widely known secret, so why not make it public?

Jer and I have been seperated since the beginning of this year. I won't go into any details as to why, nor will I point fingers or place blame. I will always have a great deal of love and respect for him, he truly is one of the greatest human beings that I know. Both of us have been in a lot of therapy to help us get through this time, it hasn't been easy for either of us. Now you know the gist of my therapy posts.

Now to answer some FAQ's:

Divorce paperwork has not been filed yet. We want to come to a friendly agreement on the terms, to avoid mediation or a nasty court situation. We have been waiting for each of us to become stable enough to work through this amicably.

We sold our house, and have each moved into our own places. We have been doing a 50/50 custody arrangement with our girls. So far it is working, but we're always open to re-evaluation.

Speaking of the girls, they are fine. They are young enough that this won't cause huge trauma for them. They don't like it, but they're dealing with it in very healthy ways. They have a lot of love from each of us, as well as both sides of our families. They're getting plenty of support and have not been neglected in the slightest. I'm actually amazed at how well our families have pulled together in not only supporting us during these difficult times, but making the girls the #1 priority.

I have a kick ass family, and kick ass friends. I've had to lean on them A LOT during this time, and have been amazed at the show of support that I've had. Family and friends don't love this decision, but they love each of us as individuals. At the beginning of this I was afraid that I would lose frienships in the process, but my friends have only made their friendship more prevalent. And my family has only been more loving and supportive. I'm very lucky, I couldn't have made it through these times without them.

We have both dated other people since seperating. Neither of us had an affair.

I blame much of this on the mind fuck and mental rape I had from the church. Jer and I actually had an intense conversation about this, just this morning. I plan on blogging more about that as time goes on.

I'm still on somewhat of a hiatus, but I needed to get this out.

As the PR reps would say, Jer and I will appreciate our privacy at this time, but still need and want the friendship and support of friends, both cyberly and in real life. If you have questions, you can ask, but we may not answer. Don't feel like you need to walk on egg shells around us, you don't. Please don't ignore us becuase you feel awkward or don't know what to say. We need you.

And now you know the truth.

Mini-Hiatus

Hi Everyone!

Apologies to those of you who check back here frequently to see my lastest updates, life has been nothing short of crazy lately. I'm in the middle of major changes and won't have internet access at home for a little while, plus I'm completely swamped at work.

I will be back, but for now, it's fair for me to let you know it will be a little while... no estimated time at this point.

Wry- I never got your text! :( I was so looking forward to it! The fact that you tried means the world.

Sideon- Thanks for becoming my text BFF!

Meg Slate- I'll never forget the time you told me that texting was a talent you don't have. Trust me- once you start, you'll wonder how you ever did without it.

I'll return soon. My love to all!

-Christy

Christy Savaging Degeneration: Text Messages and the Subject of Borders

It is my opinion that text messages are quite possibly the greatest invention of this century. Or have they been around longer? I'm not sure. Perhaps my friend Eric can give me further insight on that. I think I received my first ever text message in 2003, it was from my sister and it said "Boo!". Quite frankly I was a little afraid of it because I didn't know what it was or what to do with it. The whole "fear of the unknown" thing.

I was sitting in the waiting room of my Dr's office last week, and other than myself, the receptionist (who is probably Scarlett Johansson's identical twin sister) was the only other person in the room. I heard a cell phone beep and I watched as she picked her phone up and read the text message, and her entire face lit up. Then she had a couple of phone call interactions and receptionists frequently do, then resumed to responding to her text. She was giggling to herself and had a special glow about her... I couldn't help but wondering what the message exchange was, or who it was from. It was a fun experience in people watching.

Of course this reminded me of a couple of friends I owed texts to so I got my phone out and probably had similar expressions to those of the receptionist. All of this got me thinking about how great texts are. I believe they are the most convenient form of communication in this day and age. They're instant, and depending on the urgency, you can either respond immediately or take your time. You don't have to deal with voice to voice interactions or potential awkwardness.

Each time I get a text I feel special... I love seeing the little envelope on my display, is it wrong to be so excited over that? I remember when I first got the internet (Prodigy) in 1991, nothing would make my heart skip like seeing the "NEW MAIL" flashing sign. Nothing so small has made me so giddy ever since.

Not all of my texts are happy, wonderful messages. I get some sad, scary, and otherwise upsetting news as well. But receiving this via text allows me to deal with what I need to in my own way, without the pressure of instant response.

The one drawback to texts, is it can disengage people, especially if they're in a crowd of friends. I am so guilty of this! I have been in situations with a few friends where we'll be sitting together, but each off in our own world texting other people to our hearts content, when we probably should have been enjoying the company of each other. Oh, and I also ought to try to not text while driving. Although I have learned that nothing makes a stop light go faster than trying to text someone during the wait.

The point of this post is: If you want to make my day and know my cell phone number, send me a text! If you don't have my number but want it, let me know and if I know you and like you, I'll send it along.

You want to know what's better than texts? Picture texts! (but PLEASE, no chain/spam texts! I'll delete them just like I do the chain/spam emails!)

Does this post make me officially pathetic for being an attention whore?

On this day in history, March 12....

Stealing this from my friend Eric, who did this one week ago today.

Thanks to Wikipedia, we know that on this day in history:

515 BC - Construction is completed on the Second Temple in Jerusalem.
538 - Witiges, king of the Ostrogoths ends his siege of Rome and retreats to Ravenna, leaving the city in the hands of the victorious Roman general, Belisarius.
1664 - New Jersey becomes a colony of Britain.
1868 - Henry James O'Farrell attempts to assassinate Prince Alfred, Duke of Edinburgh.
1881 - Andrew Watson made his Scotland debut as the world's first black international football player and captain.
1894 - Coca-Cola is sold in bottles for the first time.
1908 - The Pan-Macedonian group is formed in Athens to support the Greek Struggle for Macedonia.
1912 - The Girl Guides (later renamed the Girl Scouts of the USA) are founded in the U.S..
1913 - Canberra Day: The future capital of Australia was officially named Canberra. (Melbourne remained temporary capital until 1927 while the new capital was still under construction.)
1918 - Moscow becomes the capital of Russia again after Saint-Petersburg held this status for 215 years.
1928 - In California, the St. Francis Dam fails, killing 400 people.
1930 - Mahatma Gandhi leads a 200-mile march known as Dandi March to the sea in defiance of British opposition, to protest the British monopoly on salt.
1933 - Great Depression: Franklin Delano Roosevelt addresses the nation for the first time as President of the United States. This was also the first of his "Fireside Chats."
1938 - Anschluss: German troops occupy Austria; annexation declared the following day.
1940 - Winter War: Finland signs the Moscow Peace Treaty with the Soviet Union, ceding almost all of Finnish Karelia. Finnish troops and remaining population are immediately evacuated.
1947 - The Truman Doctrine is proclaimed to help stem the spread of Communism.
1951 - The Dennis the Menace comic strip appears in newspapers across the USA for the first time.
1956 - The Dow Jones Industrial Average closes above 500 for the first time (500.24)
1958 - In Hilversum, Netherlands, André Claveau wins the third Eurovision Song Contest for France singing "Dors, mon amour" (Sleep, my love).
1960 - A fire at a chemical plant in Pusan, Korea kills 68.
1967 - Suharto takes over from Sukarno to become President of Indonesia.
1968 - Mauritius achieves independence.
1975 - I was born
1987 - Les Misérables opens on Broadway.
1992 - Mauritius becomes a republic while remaining a member of the Commonwealth of Nations.
1992 - 13 are killed and several injured when a tram-car crashes into a crowd of people at the tram-station at Vasaplatsen in Gothenburg, Sweden.
1993 - Several bombs explode in Bombay (Mumbai), India, killing about 300 and injuring hundreds more.
1993 - North Korea nuclear weapons program: North Korea says that it plans to withdraw from the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty and refuses to allow inspectors access to nuclear sites.
1994 - A photo by Marmaduke Wetherell, previously touted as 'proof' of the Loch Ness monster, is confirmed to be a hoax.
1994 - The Church of England ordains its first female priests.
1999 - Former Warsaw Pact members the Czech Republic, Hungary and Poland join NATO.
2002 - In Texas, Andrea Yates is found guilty of drowning her five children. On appeal she was found not guilty by reason of insanity.
2003 - Zoran Đinđić, Prime Minister of Serbia, assassinated in Belgrade.
2004 - Roh Moo-hyun, President of South Korea is impeached by its national assembly for the first time in the nation's history.
2005 - Tung Chee Hwa, the first Chief Executive of Hong Kong, steps down from his post after his resignation is approved by the Chinese central government.
2005 - New SAT is administered.
2006 - Australia score a world record 434 runs in a One-day International cricket match against South Africa. South Africa replied by beating the record again to score 438/9 to win.

Raise a glass for me tonight and say "Cheers to 32!"

Ethnocentric Darkness and the Postmodernity of Orgasmic Penetration in Christy's Following my Energy

Warning: The following writing is self indulgent. Hell, who am I kidding? This entire blog is self indulgent, that's why I started it.

How do you like my title? I need to give nods to my super fantastic friend Meg Slate, she pointed me in the direction of a title generator. I shall never have boring titles again!


I'm going to blog about the therapy appointment I had today. I feel so very fortunate with this therapist that I found, and hope that in sharing some of what I'm learning, I can help other people.

Today, my therapist told me to follow my energy. Since leaving mormonism, I no longer have any kind of spiritual guidance. In place of that, I have become too needy and dependant on other people. I have, in a sense, made other people to be my "gods", and have given them my core. It's either created a great imbalance for me, or else I've stagnated. Regardless, I need to work on centering my core within myself.

I am an extrovert. Any of you who know me in real life can say "duh!" to that. I get my energy by being around other people. I feel most alive when I come to work first thing in the morning and cheefully say "Good Morning!" to my co-workers. When I'm alone, I don't know what to do with myself. I don't really like who I am. I feel lazy and boring. I can look back on my life and count on one hand how many times I have truly enjoyed an evening to myself. So, I need to work on that. I need to love myself, and be at peace with me. Not to the point where I shy away and become reclusive, but I need to accept myself for who I am.

I discovered that I feel like a fraud. I feel like people get to know me and are attracted to my outgoing, positive, confident, friendly nature, but I'm afraid the novelty of that will wear off and people will see that I really am insecure and unaware. This causes me to shy away and possibly damage potential relationships and friendships. Granted, I do believe that I am authentic, I don't think that I intentionally put on a facade for people, I just fear that they think I am. If that makes any sense at all!

She gave me two sheets of prompts for writing assignments, as I wrote about here, and I love that. Blogging is fun and theraputic and all, but these are meant to be intensely private, provoking questions. If anyone would like some of these I'd be happy to share, but I'd rather do that in email, or a more private setting.

Her next assignment for me is to give myself 10 minutes every day, where I sit alone where I won't be interrupted. Also, set a timer so that I don't have to think about the time while I'm there, but I won't lose track of it, either. She said that for 10 minutes, I am to just sit and let my feelings bottom out. Just let myself think or feel however it is that I'm feeling at that moment... don't try to supress anything. Whether it's sadness, anger, happiness, frustration, anxiety, etc. This sounds very interesting, and I look forward to seeing how this helps me.

I don't have another appointment with her until the 30th... ugh, that seems like such a long time!

Thanks for reading. Sorry that the contents of this post weren't as orgasmic as my title! :)

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless (?) Mind

I must preface this post by saying I have not seen this movie since it's theatrical release. It's been a few years, and while my memory is top notch, it's not perfect.

This was one of those movies that has stuck with me. When I saw it I loved it, and it's clear that I need to see it again, very soon. I found it heartbreaking, heartwarming, and mesmerizing at the same time.

I've been thinking about my own life lately, and the recent roller coaster of emotions that I've had, my being in therapy, learning to discover who I am and really loving myself. I'm so far off from it, but I do see a light at the end of the tunnel.

There are moments in my life that I have loved, and often replay them in my mind over and over again. It makes me sad that with time, parts of the memories fade... sometimes it's the exact look of the person involved, the voice, the surroundings... eventually all that's left is the specifics of the moment in and of itself, and the details are hazy. I wish that the opposite of mind erasing were possible, where we could record these moments and replay them in their entirety, and get all of those feelings back again. It's these moments in life that I look back on with such fondness, and they really pull my out of my darker times. I need these incredible moments.

There are moments in my life that I loved while in the moment, but replaying them in my mind brings too much pain. I do my best to try to ignore and forget about these moments, but it's not possible. It's moments like this that make me wish that mind erasing were indeed possible. If I could forget that certain things were said or done in my life, then I could avoid heartbreak altogether, and more easily move on. I hate heartbreak with a passion.

I suppose heartbreak is necessary. Without heartbreak, you're not able to really enjoy and appreciate something good when you have it. If everything in life comes to you easily and without any effort or work, then what's the point? But where is the line when you're able to trust again, or allow your heart to open and accept again? At what point are we sabotaging ourselves and forcing a life of misery, when not necessary? As my mom says often, we tend to cut off our noses to spite our face.

My point to this, is that broken hearts suck. Healing takes a long time. Memory erasing is not possible. Permanent memory is not reachable. I guess it's true when they say that you can't appreciate the sweet without the bitter.

But it still hurts.

And now it's time for some random thoughts by Christy.....

Hello to everyone in blogland!

I can't think of one specific topic to blog about... I have a few ideas in my mind, but none of them warrant an entire post. So here goes. In no specific order.

Celebrity look alikes. There are now three different celebrities that I've been told that I look like. Two of them I can see some minor resemblence in, they are:

Julia Stiles:



Or:



More than one person from different walks of life have told me that I remind them of Julia Stiles. Perhaps... it's a huge compliment, but I also think it's a stretch.

I've also been told that I look like Renee Zellwegger:



Or a brunette Renee?:



I can see this one. We both have the same cheekbones.

I went to a bar on saturday night and some drunk chick in the bathroom freaked out and told me that I look like Maggie Gyllenhaal. This was the first time I had ever been told that I look like her:



Before anyone gets all self righteous on me, I'm just sayin' that this is what I've been told, and I don't have a professional hair dresser or beautician every day. I am not going to post any pictures of me right now, but you can go through my photo label archives and see me there. My question, to my readers, who do you think I look like other than Christy? Any of these three? Anyone else?

Next random thoughts:

I know I shouldn't, but I can't help but giggle knowing that Switzerland unintentionally invaded Lichtenstein. Perhaps my dear friend Wry Catcher can chime in on this. I've been to Switzerland more often than I've been to Idaho, and living in SLC most of my life, that's saying something. I love and adore Switzerland more than just about any other country. To think they could unintentionally do something like this, and the fact that Lichtenstein downplayed the incident, restores my faith in peace and humanity. I think I should move to one of these countries.

Even though I've had colleagues in the United Kingdom for more than a decade and work with them often, I still have a thing for a British accent. I'm just sayin'....

I met a guy last weekend that had "coelitus mihi vires" tattooed on his left arm. (Although I think his Coelitus was spelled Caelitus, is that possible? Who knows... I was drunk!). He told me that it meant "Heaven is my Strength". He lost his mother at 26, and got this tattoo in memory of her. Even though I don't believe in heaven or hell, I somehow found this touching and comforting. I still like the idea that even though some of our loved ones have passed on, they are watching over us or still somehow there within us. Even if they're not in heaven. I don't like the idea that a person dies and that's it, end of story.

It's no secret that I love and worship U2, and think that Bono is an amazing poet and philosopher. Sometimes when I feel lost in life, I listen to or read some U2 lyrics for guidance. May sound cheesy, but it's what I do, and it helps me through some rough times.

One of my favorite lyric moments is from the song "Mysterious Ways":

One day you'll look back, and you'll see
Where you were held now by this love.
While you could stand there,
You could move on this moment
Follow this feeling.

From "City of Blinding Lights":

The more you see the less you know
The less you find out as you go
I knew much more then than I do now

And now you know what's been on my mind.

Priorities! Or.... It's a Mad World

So I have to go give a presentation to my entire department in about 20 minutes (my boss just told me yesterday that I have to do this!) and instead of studying what I'm going to speak about, I'm blogging.

I just checked out Sideon's blog and he posted his most beautifully written poem, it was absolutely mesmerizing. But, he got some lyrics stuck in my head. Thanks Sideon, I'll try to return the favor someday!

I love these lyrics and song, so I'm going to share.

"Mad World"
Tears for Fears

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me