On this day in history, March 12....

Stealing this from my friend Eric, who did this one week ago today.

Thanks to Wikipedia, we know that on this day in history:

515 BC - Construction is completed on the Second Temple in Jerusalem.
538 - Witiges, king of the Ostrogoths ends his siege of Rome and retreats to Ravenna, leaving the city in the hands of the victorious Roman general, Belisarius.
1664 - New Jersey becomes a colony of Britain.
1868 - Henry James O'Farrell attempts to assassinate Prince Alfred, Duke of Edinburgh.
1881 - Andrew Watson made his Scotland debut as the world's first black international football player and captain.
1894 - Coca-Cola is sold in bottles for the first time.
1908 - The Pan-Macedonian group is formed in Athens to support the Greek Struggle for Macedonia.
1912 - The Girl Guides (later renamed the Girl Scouts of the USA) are founded in the U.S..
1913 - Canberra Day: The future capital of Australia was officially named Canberra. (Melbourne remained temporary capital until 1927 while the new capital was still under construction.)
1918 - Moscow becomes the capital of Russia again after Saint-Petersburg held this status for 215 years.
1928 - In California, the St. Francis Dam fails, killing 400 people.
1930 - Mahatma Gandhi leads a 200-mile march known as Dandi March to the sea in defiance of British opposition, to protest the British monopoly on salt.
1933 - Great Depression: Franklin Delano Roosevelt addresses the nation for the first time as President of the United States. This was also the first of his "Fireside Chats."
1938 - Anschluss: German troops occupy Austria; annexation declared the following day.
1940 - Winter War: Finland signs the Moscow Peace Treaty with the Soviet Union, ceding almost all of Finnish Karelia. Finnish troops and remaining population are immediately evacuated.
1947 - The Truman Doctrine is proclaimed to help stem the spread of Communism.
1951 - The Dennis the Menace comic strip appears in newspapers across the USA for the first time.
1956 - The Dow Jones Industrial Average closes above 500 for the first time (500.24)
1958 - In Hilversum, Netherlands, André Claveau wins the third Eurovision Song Contest for France singing "Dors, mon amour" (Sleep, my love).
1960 - A fire at a chemical plant in Pusan, Korea kills 68.
1967 - Suharto takes over from Sukarno to become President of Indonesia.
1968 - Mauritius achieves independence.
1975 - I was born
1987 - Les Misérables opens on Broadway.
1992 - Mauritius becomes a republic while remaining a member of the Commonwealth of Nations.
1992 - 13 are killed and several injured when a tram-car crashes into a crowd of people at the tram-station at Vasaplatsen in Gothenburg, Sweden.
1993 - Several bombs explode in Bombay (Mumbai), India, killing about 300 and injuring hundreds more.
1993 - North Korea nuclear weapons program: North Korea says that it plans to withdraw from the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty and refuses to allow inspectors access to nuclear sites.
1994 - A photo by Marmaduke Wetherell, previously touted as 'proof' of the Loch Ness monster, is confirmed to be a hoax.
1994 - The Church of England ordains its first female priests.
1999 - Former Warsaw Pact members the Czech Republic, Hungary and Poland join NATO.
2002 - In Texas, Andrea Yates is found guilty of drowning her five children. On appeal she was found not guilty by reason of insanity.
2003 - Zoran Đinđić, Prime Minister of Serbia, assassinated in Belgrade.
2004 - Roh Moo-hyun, President of South Korea is impeached by its national assembly for the first time in the nation's history.
2005 - Tung Chee Hwa, the first Chief Executive of Hong Kong, steps down from his post after his resignation is approved by the Chinese central government.
2005 - New SAT is administered.
2006 - Australia score a world record 434 runs in a One-day International cricket match against South Africa. South Africa replied by beating the record again to score 438/9 to win.

Raise a glass for me tonight and say "Cheers to 32!"

Ethnocentric Darkness and the Postmodernity of Orgasmic Penetration in Christy's Following my Energy

Warning: The following writing is self indulgent. Hell, who am I kidding? This entire blog is self indulgent, that's why I started it.

How do you like my title? I need to give nods to my super fantastic friend Meg Slate, she pointed me in the direction of a title generator. I shall never have boring titles again!


I'm going to blog about the therapy appointment I had today. I feel so very fortunate with this therapist that I found, and hope that in sharing some of what I'm learning, I can help other people.

Today, my therapist told me to follow my energy. Since leaving mormonism, I no longer have any kind of spiritual guidance. In place of that, I have become too needy and dependant on other people. I have, in a sense, made other people to be my "gods", and have given them my core. It's either created a great imbalance for me, or else I've stagnated. Regardless, I need to work on centering my core within myself.

I am an extrovert. Any of you who know me in real life can say "duh!" to that. I get my energy by being around other people. I feel most alive when I come to work first thing in the morning and cheefully say "Good Morning!" to my co-workers. When I'm alone, I don't know what to do with myself. I don't really like who I am. I feel lazy and boring. I can look back on my life and count on one hand how many times I have truly enjoyed an evening to myself. So, I need to work on that. I need to love myself, and be at peace with me. Not to the point where I shy away and become reclusive, but I need to accept myself for who I am.

I discovered that I feel like a fraud. I feel like people get to know me and are attracted to my outgoing, positive, confident, friendly nature, but I'm afraid the novelty of that will wear off and people will see that I really am insecure and unaware. This causes me to shy away and possibly damage potential relationships and friendships. Granted, I do believe that I am authentic, I don't think that I intentionally put on a facade for people, I just fear that they think I am. If that makes any sense at all!

She gave me two sheets of prompts for writing assignments, as I wrote about here, and I love that. Blogging is fun and theraputic and all, but these are meant to be intensely private, provoking questions. If anyone would like some of these I'd be happy to share, but I'd rather do that in email, or a more private setting.

Her next assignment for me is to give myself 10 minutes every day, where I sit alone where I won't be interrupted. Also, set a timer so that I don't have to think about the time while I'm there, but I won't lose track of it, either. She said that for 10 minutes, I am to just sit and let my feelings bottom out. Just let myself think or feel however it is that I'm feeling at that moment... don't try to supress anything. Whether it's sadness, anger, happiness, frustration, anxiety, etc. This sounds very interesting, and I look forward to seeing how this helps me.

I don't have another appointment with her until the 30th... ugh, that seems like such a long time!

Thanks for reading. Sorry that the contents of this post weren't as orgasmic as my title! :)

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless (?) Mind

I must preface this post by saying I have not seen this movie since it's theatrical release. It's been a few years, and while my memory is top notch, it's not perfect.

This was one of those movies that has stuck with me. When I saw it I loved it, and it's clear that I need to see it again, very soon. I found it heartbreaking, heartwarming, and mesmerizing at the same time.

I've been thinking about my own life lately, and the recent roller coaster of emotions that I've had, my being in therapy, learning to discover who I am and really loving myself. I'm so far off from it, but I do see a light at the end of the tunnel.

There are moments in my life that I have loved, and often replay them in my mind over and over again. It makes me sad that with time, parts of the memories fade... sometimes it's the exact look of the person involved, the voice, the surroundings... eventually all that's left is the specifics of the moment in and of itself, and the details are hazy. I wish that the opposite of mind erasing were possible, where we could record these moments and replay them in their entirety, and get all of those feelings back again. It's these moments in life that I look back on with such fondness, and they really pull my out of my darker times. I need these incredible moments.

There are moments in my life that I loved while in the moment, but replaying them in my mind brings too much pain. I do my best to try to ignore and forget about these moments, but it's not possible. It's moments like this that make me wish that mind erasing were indeed possible. If I could forget that certain things were said or done in my life, then I could avoid heartbreak altogether, and more easily move on. I hate heartbreak with a passion.

I suppose heartbreak is necessary. Without heartbreak, you're not able to really enjoy and appreciate something good when you have it. If everything in life comes to you easily and without any effort or work, then what's the point? But where is the line when you're able to trust again, or allow your heart to open and accept again? At what point are we sabotaging ourselves and forcing a life of misery, when not necessary? As my mom says often, we tend to cut off our noses to spite our face.

My point to this, is that broken hearts suck. Healing takes a long time. Memory erasing is not possible. Permanent memory is not reachable. I guess it's true when they say that you can't appreciate the sweet without the bitter.

But it still hurts.

And now it's time for some random thoughts by Christy.....

Hello to everyone in blogland!

I can't think of one specific topic to blog about... I have a few ideas in my mind, but none of them warrant an entire post. So here goes. In no specific order.

Celebrity look alikes. There are now three different celebrities that I've been told that I look like. Two of them I can see some minor resemblence in, they are:

Julia Stiles:



Or:



More than one person from different walks of life have told me that I remind them of Julia Stiles. Perhaps... it's a huge compliment, but I also think it's a stretch.

I've also been told that I look like Renee Zellwegger:



Or a brunette Renee?:



I can see this one. We both have the same cheekbones.

I went to a bar on saturday night and some drunk chick in the bathroom freaked out and told me that I look like Maggie Gyllenhaal. This was the first time I had ever been told that I look like her:



Before anyone gets all self righteous on me, I'm just sayin' that this is what I've been told, and I don't have a professional hair dresser or beautician every day. I am not going to post any pictures of me right now, but you can go through my photo label archives and see me there. My question, to my readers, who do you think I look like other than Christy? Any of these three? Anyone else?

Next random thoughts:

I know I shouldn't, but I can't help but giggle knowing that Switzerland unintentionally invaded Lichtenstein. Perhaps my dear friend Wry Catcher can chime in on this. I've been to Switzerland more often than I've been to Idaho, and living in SLC most of my life, that's saying something. I love and adore Switzerland more than just about any other country. To think they could unintentionally do something like this, and the fact that Lichtenstein downplayed the incident, restores my faith in peace and humanity. I think I should move to one of these countries.

Even though I've had colleagues in the United Kingdom for more than a decade and work with them often, I still have a thing for a British accent. I'm just sayin'....

I met a guy last weekend that had "coelitus mihi vires" tattooed on his left arm. (Although I think his Coelitus was spelled Caelitus, is that possible? Who knows... I was drunk!). He told me that it meant "Heaven is my Strength". He lost his mother at 26, and got this tattoo in memory of her. Even though I don't believe in heaven or hell, I somehow found this touching and comforting. I still like the idea that even though some of our loved ones have passed on, they are watching over us or still somehow there within us. Even if they're not in heaven. I don't like the idea that a person dies and that's it, end of story.

It's no secret that I love and worship U2, and think that Bono is an amazing poet and philosopher. Sometimes when I feel lost in life, I listen to or read some U2 lyrics for guidance. May sound cheesy, but it's what I do, and it helps me through some rough times.

One of my favorite lyric moments is from the song "Mysterious Ways":

One day you'll look back, and you'll see
Where you were held now by this love.
While you could stand there,
You could move on this moment
Follow this feeling.

From "City of Blinding Lights":

The more you see the less you know
The less you find out as you go
I knew much more then than I do now

And now you know what's been on my mind.

Priorities! Or.... It's a Mad World

So I have to go give a presentation to my entire department in about 20 minutes (my boss just told me yesterday that I have to do this!) and instead of studying what I'm going to speak about, I'm blogging.

I just checked out Sideon's blog and he posted his most beautifully written poem, it was absolutely mesmerizing. But, he got some lyrics stuck in my head. Thanks Sideon, I'll try to return the favor someday!

I love these lyrics and song, so I'm going to share.

"Mad World"
Tears for Fears

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

Sugar Cookie recipe and tips

After my recent sugar cookie post, I told C.L. Hanson that I would give her tips on sugar cookie baking. I've had other people ask me about it before, and truth be told, this is my one real talent, so here goes.

This recipe gets full credit from Betty crocker. However, I've been using this recipe for so long, I really understand how it works and how to make it work.

For starters, this is a 3 day process for me. I make the dough one day, roll and cut them out the next day, then frost on the third. This is usually because I at least double, often triple the recipe. It is soooo yummy, I have to accomodate everyone. This recipe is so great because it doesn't have any nasty aftertaste, and it's not too sweet.

The recipe:
1 1/2 cups powdered sugar
1 cup butter or margarine, softened
1 teaspoon vanilla
1/2 teaspoon almond extract
1 egg
2 1/2 cups Gold Medal® all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon cream of tartar

1. In large bowl, mix 1 1/2 cups powdered sugar, the butter, 1 teaspoon vanilla, almond extract and egg until well blended. Stir in flour, baking soda and cream of tartar. Cover and refrigerate at least 3 hours.
2. Heat oven to 375°F. Divide dough in half. On lightly floured, cloth covered surface, roll each half of dough 3/16 inch thick. Cut into assorted shapes with cookie cutters, or cut around patterns traced from storybook illustrations. If cookies are to be hung as decorations, make a hole in each 1/4 inch from top with end of plastic straw. Place on ungreased cookie sheet.
3. Bake 7 to 8 minutes or until light brown. Remove from cookie sheet to cooling rack. Cool completely, about 30 minutes.

The tricks I use:

Lots of flour. I only use the amount required for the recipe, but when I get ready to roll and cut, I put a fresh layer on the counter or table, I sprinkle some on the mound of cookie dough, then I make sure the rolling pin has plenty as well. I keep the flour container handy and am constantly dipping into it.

When I roll the dough out, I leave it somewhat thick. If it's too thin, it'll fall apart and burn easily. It's okay to make less cookies than the recipe says it will. This is quality, not quantity.

I use a pampered chef baking stone. This gets the cookies evenly baked, without the burnt or crisp edges. This also makes them soooooo soft and they practically melt in your mouth. The first batch will always take longer to cook because the stone isn't heated yet, but I cut down the time by a minute or two after that.

I don't use complicated shape patterns. Hearts are perfect because they're very simple and easy to scrape up and out. I also don't mind pumpkins, christmas trees, stars, easter eggs, etc. When you get into tricky things like bats (the animal, not baseball), candy canes, flowers with stems etc., the dough doesn't stay together well and the cookies come out looking warped, not to mention they're more difficult to frost.

As for frosting, I use the Wilton buttercream recipe. I took a cake decorating class a couple of years ago where I learned this recipe, and it is delicious!

1 cup solid vegetable shortening
1 teaspoon Clear Vanilla
4 cups sifted confectioners' sugar (approx. 1 lb.)
2 tablespoons milk**
1 pinch of salt

Except I use 1 TBS of meringue powder, water instead of milk, and clear butter flavoring instead of clear vanilla. (All Wilton brand products!). Also, I only use white shortening, in order to get the coloring I want. You can add more water to lessen the thickness of the recipe. For sugar cookie decorating, the consistency should be medium. Thickness is for things like roses on cakes, and thin consistency is what frosts a cake without getting crumbs in the icing.

Boring post. Any questions?

And the Oscar went to.... ?????

I used to be obsessed with the Oscars. I mean really. I saw as many nominated movies as possible, I would fill out my own ballots, and on the day of the show I would start watching the E network first thing in the morning to watch a history of the fashions, to the early preview of the red carpet, then I'd watch the show. The ENTIRE thing. Commercials, scientific awards, and all. This was my thing. This was my superbowl. And, I never wanted to host or go to an Oscars party, because it would interfere with my abitlity to actually pay attention. Just give me my TV and a comfy couch and leave me alone, you know?

I have only seen one move in the theater in the past year, and that was Borat. I don't even know if it ended up being nominated for anything? That's besides the point. I would have made no effort to watch the show this year, except that Ellen Degenerous was hosting, and I love that woman with every fiber of my being. She and Steve Martin have officially replaced Billy Crystal and Whoopi Goldberg as the Oscar gods, in my mind.

So last night I decided to watch even if I didn't know any of the movies, and was glad I did. Ellen did not disappoint at all. And I loved that they had plenty of musical and dance numbers. They tried cutting that out of the Oscars a few years ago, and it totally ruined it, IMO. Then again, I think that life would be better in general if it was more like a broadway show where people break out into singing and dancing at a whim, don't you?

I only saw about an hour of it, then I got a phone call from a friend, and ended up talking for 2 hours. I don't feel bad about missing the Oscars.

And today, I have strep throat. Bah. Give me sympathy or my feelings will be hurt.

More about my therapy

As I mentioned in a previous post, I've recently started therapy again. Lemon Blossom kindly asked me for an update, and I thought I'd just dedicate an entire entry to depression/therapy experience.

It's no secret to any readers of my blog that I heart Dooce. Other than the fact that I believe she and I are total soul sisters, I so greatly admire how Dooce puts a human face to depression. She is living proof that depression does not discriminate based on race, religion, sex, upbringing, etc. It can happen to anyone, anywhere, I am SO glad to live in a generation where there is professional help readily available. I look at the way my father grew up and the way his father was, and it's clear he had depression too, but it wasn't widely talked about or treated back then.

I was first diagnosed with depression when I was 12. It was the weirdest thing-- I had a picture perfect childhood. I had siblings that I got along with, parents who provided all of my needs and most of my wants and gave me a lot of love, and opportunities to do anything I wanted to do. The biggest challenge of my childhood was the fact that my dad worked for the US government so we had to move between Utah and Germany a couple of times... but that wasn't much of a challenge. Yes it was difficult to say goodbye to friends and family for a few years, but the experiences I had living in a foreign country were well worth it and I always appreciated that. So here I am, 12 years old and in seventh grade, and suddenly feeling like I was taking up too much space and probably ought to jump off of a bridge. I mentioned this to my parents during dinner one night, and thank GOD they didn't take it lightly and got me into a therapist and a psychiatrist in lightning fast speed.

I was told that I had a chemical imbalance, which didn't make sense to me until many years later. I finally came to terms with the fact that depression is not just a mental thing, it's also a physical ailment. From agest 12-20 I was off an on several different types of anti-depressants. I probably should have continued on the meds after 20, but I didn't think I needed them, and after that I went through about 8 dark years. Of course this is all hindsight. By the time I was 28, I had finally adjusted well to my life and made several positve (although difficult!) changes, and was at last happy with the skin I was in. But it's kinda like changing a lightbulb. You can change it and it burns brightly for a period of time, but if you don't change it again when the light dims out, you're left in the dark.

I'm at a point in my life where I'm able to see the signs that tell me when I need to seek professional help. Sometimes, we just can't make it on our own. There's no shame in that. It's not that YOU did anything wrong, or even necessarily because someone wronged you. It's because sometimes shitty things happen, sometimes they don't. Sometimes there's absolutely no reason for you to be sad, sometimes there are. Regardless of the reasons, coping with life can be difficult.

I'm not saying that medication is for everyone, clearly it's not. I am saying that it can be very beneficial for anyone to talk to an unbiased, professional source. I didn't click with my first therapist, then clicked immediately and amazingly with my second. For me, the key to successful therapy is to be completely and brutally honest. They're not there to judge you, they're there to help. Anything you could possibly tell them, I can almost guarantee that they've heard worse. I had my second appoinment with my therapist today, and I went over the history of my last 10-15 years. She brought into light all that I've had to deal with, all the changes I've made, all that I've experienced, in a one hour session. She gave me some assigments before I see her again. I have to buy an artists book with a hardbound cover with a spiral attachment. I can use this to write in, draw in, scribble, do whatever I want. She gave me one artistic assigment (I'm not an artist, but she believes this task will uncover some of what's underneath) as well as 5 writing assigments. I told her "Oh, I blog! I blog! I write all the time" She thought that was great, but wants these writings to be so intensely private, that she won't even read them. It's all for me, in an effort to really discover myself.

There can't be any shame in the fact that I'm giddy with excitement over this. She is not only listening to me without judgment, but she understands me. She gets what I'm saying. She is giving me physical, not just mental suggestions. I am going to find myself, and I'm going to like it.

Best opening to a movie EVAR!

I watched High Fidelity this weekend, I love love LOVE this movie.

"What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?"

The key to any successful relationship

I took a communications class several years ago. This is one of those classes that I absorbed every ounce of what was taught, and realy, truly internalized it. This class was about not just communication, but using communication to overcome your fears, which will help you become the person that you want to be.

The simple, yet complex, definition of communiction is Meaning and Understanding. For true communication to take place, the conveyance of the ideas through intended word meanings or nonverbal gestures must be totally received and understood by the receiver. It is imperative that both receiver and sender in an interpersonal encounter have a common background of shared experiences between them for meaningful communication to take place. The greater the overlap in shared experiences, the more enhanced meaningful communication is.

Whose responsibility is it to ensure that meaningful communication takes place? My professor believed that it was as much as 90% the responsibility of the sender, and 10% of the receiver, to ensure they understood what was meant. Take for instance, if someone gives me directions on how to get somewhere, they say "Just get on the freeway, take the 3rd exit, take a right and drive on that road for a mile, it will be the white house on your left. Where I live, I have I:215 that comes before I:15. Which freeway were they talking about? It is the senders responsibiilty to say "Take I:15", but if they don't, it should be up to the receiver to clarify. So many mistakes in communication take place when assumptions are made.

It is NEVER a waste of time to ensure that Meaning and Understanding have taken place. Everything that we are or wish others to think of us is exhibited in our behavior, verbal as well as nonverbal. What we are, influences how others react to us.

Meanings are not in words. Meanings are in people and their experiences. Words are poor conveyors of meaning. Offense is never given, it is taken. If you are offended by something, it is okay and certainly in your right. However, realize that if you are offended, it's because you chose to be. Try to understand where the other person is coming from, and be slow to take offense.

I went to dinner last night with a friend and she and I talked for over 3 hours non stop, and a lot of these thoughts came to my mind. Just thought I'd put them out there.

Cheers and Happy Friday to everyone!

Sad Day

Like many other Utahn's, I can't stop watching or reading the news today about the teen gunman who went on a senseless shooting rampage at Trolley Square Mall. I'm not attempting to over-sensationalize this story, just express my sadness. As far as I know, I don't personally know anybody affected by this, but it's too early to say for sure. Trolley Square has always been one of my favorite spots in all of Salt Lake City. It's one of the rare and fascinating places that gives the city its unique fingerprint. I have always loved going there- as a child and as an adult.

My heart and sympathies go out to all of those who have been directly and indirectly impacted by this tragedy. While my own problems seem difficult to me, this puts it all into perspective.

I can be a domestic goddess when I wanna be!

I try to pretend like I'm a modern day woman who lives for every day conveniences, but there are still some things I like to do the old fashioned way. One of them, is baking. I love to make breads, cookies, cakes, etc., without pre-mixed packages. I still own and adore my rolling pin. There is something very satisfying about the process of creating something lovely from scratch. And if I do say so myself, I make the best sugar cookies!

My results:



And I have to brag about my BFF, Shiree! I had lessons to learn how to decorate, and she is self-taught and amazing!




Yes, Christy and Shiree rock at the cookies and no, you can't have any! Well maybe... some of you can...

I wanted to talk a bit more about therapy, and thank everyone again for your comments. I started going to therapy when I was 12, and have been off and on ever since. At times it's worked great, others not so well. I'm a big advocate of it, and I see no shame in admitting when I need help.

Now I'm going to go eat another cookie.

Oops, I originally published this without a title!

It's been two years since I admitted to myself that I no longer believed in mormonism. The doubts and questions were there for at least two years prior, but it was two years ago this month that I officially stopped paying tithing and said "Joseph Smith is full of shit!"

At this same time I found The DAMU, (although my preference is now the new and improved New DAMU AKA FLAK), and soon after that I found a non-advertised underground DAMUU that I would link to, but I think they like it small and want to keep their privacy.

The owner of the board at that time was Voodew (who has posted comments to this very blog from time to time!). Voodew was trying to get some new posts going on the board so he gave us all thread assigments. Mine was something to the effect of "I may have left mormonism behind but I still act like one in these ways...."

My response was along the lines that I was worried about lightning striking since I recently stopped paying tithing (lightning did strike, my entire department was layed off within a few months. Then I ended up with a great promotion within the same company immediately after!). My other sentiments were that I was always wondering what I could do to help others. Mormonism was all about serving everyone, sacrificing yourself, give give give, go go go, collapse at the end of the day, wake up and do it all over again. You can never give enough.

Nurturing is natural for me. It is innate for me to want to take care of and rescue people. There is nothing wrong with assisting or helping others, but not at the risk of losing myself. Mormonism made me feel that if I did what I wanted to do for me, I was selfish and self-serving. I am in the process of breaking that cycle!

It's no surprise to some of my blog readers that I'm in therapy, although it may be a surprise to others. I had been seeing a therapist who wasn't really clicking with me. At my wits end I called the place that I have to go through for insurance purposes, and demanded someone different. I saw a woman yesterday who provided an amazing sense of clarity for me, and who really understood where I was coming from and very intune to what I need help with. For so long I have done what other people want me to do or think I should do, so I'm being introspective and yes... some may call it selfish. It's impossible for me to grow and thrive if I'm depending on everyone around me being okay, in order for me to be okay.

So, that's where I am right now. I've been going through some tough shit lately, a bunch of stuff that I don't want to blog about. I have neglected responding to all of my blog comments, because I simply haven't had the energy. Thanks to everyone who continues to read and respond... each time I get a message in my inbox saying that I have a new response, I get a little excited. No need to worry about me, I'm going to be just fine. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and I am going full steam ahead.

All About Me

My mother is making a great effort to dejunk her basement. I admire her desire and drive... although much to my dismay, I left a lof of stuff there (It's been a decade!), so she dumped it at my house tonight. In these boxes contained old cassette tapes, letters from friends, boyfriends and missionaries, old homework assignments, notes, etc. Among these gems was a folder from 8th grade, titled "All About Me".

The cover of the folder had a design I created with the coolest of fashion brand labels. Don't judge me here-- I had only been exposed to clothes I could buy at the BX (Base Exchange) on an Airforce base! This included labels for ESPRIT, Swatch, Gitano, and Malibu U!

The post that follows is from the brain of an 8th grade Christy. Keep in mind, I had just moved to Utah after living in Germany for 5 out of 6 years. I felt like I had not a friend in the world. Everything I type from here on out is [sic]. Even still, I got an A out of the assignment.

10-25-88
"Childhood Memories"

When I was about 7 years old I went to Switzerland with my friend and her family.

We went to Bern Switzerland to see the famous bears. After we saw them, we walked down the streets and in the shops. I looked down at something then when I looked up I couldn't find the people I was with. I got really scared and sat down and began to cry. After a while a swiss man came up and asked me what was wrong in a language I couldnt understand. I told him in English I didn't know what he was saying, so he got his wife who spoke English. I told her I was lost. She immediately took me to the Police station. The police asked me for a description for a family I was with. When I gave them a description, they went out looking for them.

After a while they came in the station.

(Is that story anticlimatic or what? I have a better rendition of it now, including when the police asked me if I wanted a coke and I told them "No, I'm a mormon and I don't drink coke!".... even though I really did!)

10-27-88

If I were to invent any machine, It would be a machine with 4 different powers to do 4 different things. One side a machine with a letter keyboard to type in anything you want, and it would come out the chute. The bad side of it would be that you would get spoiled, and everyone would want it.

On another pannel, a hair dresser that has robot arms that do you hair in the latest styles. The bad part is, that one day it could go chaos and cut off all your hair.

On the third pannel, I'd have a thing that comes out with only the latest style of clothes. A new outfit every day. The bad part is, is that your closet will get tool fool and you will end up with clothes all over your room.

On the last side, I'd have a homework doer. Put the paper in, tell what you want done, and Presto!


Next I had to plan a dinner party where I had specific rules of who I could invite. I had to make a guest list, the reasons why I invited each, arrange the table, and make a menu. I won't go into all the details, but this will show how 80's this was:
Guest List:
Sheli (my sister)
Erika (my best friend)
Andy (my 7th grade crush)
Stephen King
Rick Astley
Mikhail Gorbachev
Myself
Marylou Retten
Mike Tyson
Marilyn Monroe



10-31-88
(this must have been a "finish this sentence" assignment)

1. On weekends, I like to spend time with my friends.
2. I'd like to tell my best friend my deepest and darkest secrets but they're too personal.
3. The happiest day in my life was when I moved back here in the states.
4. If I were five years older I would be in colledge.
5. I am best at writing stories.
6. My favorite vacation place would be in London.
7. I like the kind of teacher who has us read and write a lot.
8. I get angry when people get on my nerves.
9. I trust those who are sincere.
10. I think my parents shouldn't nag so much.
11. I have accomplished to make many friends since I moved her.
12. My worse days are when I wake up late.

It's been over 18 years since I wrote this stuff. I am blown away by how I am still very much the same person that I was, yet so completely and totally different.

And, no typo's here. Remember.. [sic]!!

I love drunk dials

I've had calls from the right coast, from the left coast, from the United Kingdom (I love you Rip Zip and Wry C!), and a few from the same state I live in. It doesn't matter, I love them all!

To my friends who called me the other night (they know who they are... my very hip New Yorker friends!), I'm so sorry I missed your call! I saved that voicemail on my phone so I can use it to cheer me up when I'm feeling down.

Nothing warms my heart more than knowing that my friends are thinking of me when they're in a very happy, inebriated state.

That's my girl!

This is a conversation I overheard between my daughters:

Alexa: I'm going to marry Jacob [classmate] when I grow up because I love him!
Emilie: Does Jacob doesn't love Maya [another classmate]?
Alexa: Well Maya wants to marry Jacob, but he's just going to marry me!
Me: Alexa, why do you love Jacob?
Alexa: Because he rocks and I love his voice!
***then Alexa turns to speak directly to her sister***
Alexa: Emilie, I want to see his brain!

Lyrics speak to me!

It's been awhile since I've blogged, and I'm sorry to those of you who check in to see absolutely nuthin'! Thanks for continuing to check in, and PLEASE don't stop!! I've had a lot going on in my personal and professional life and have been quite busy!

I've been listenting to Ben Folds Five tonight, one of my favorite bands ever! Ben Folds is a master at the piano and at the lyrics. I was looking some lyrics up, and I came across the following gem:

"Satan Is My Master"

Satan is my master
He has always been
He tells me what to do
He buys my Metallica records for me
And sometimes I think...

Satan is my master

While we're at it, I would like to announce five new blogs to my blog link list!

Aerin Aerin is a fellow ex-mo mother of twins! I used to believe that twin moms were hand picked by god. Now I just believe twin moms, especially ex-mo twin moms, ought to stick together!

Doug Humphrie's Eight Hour Lunch I had the pure pleasure of meeting Doug in real life last summer at the War on Jello, before I knew he was a blogger. If I had permission from him, I would post a picture of him playing the guitar (hint hint!). I've admired Doug from afar for awhile now, so I'm pleased as punch that he wants to be on my blog list! I hope I get to hear him play on his guitar again soon! HEY DOUG! Shiree got a drumset for her birthday, I sense an ex-mo rock band in the making!

Rip Zip So damn funny, so damn intelligent! A fellow youngest of the family like me, so we can relate in many non-bloggable ways! Also the sister of Belaja (mentioned in previous post) so you know the genetics are in their favor. There are so many aspects of her life that I want.

Thunderchops Crap Floats after posting with him on the DAMU for over a year, I finally had the pure pleasure of meeting him in person in October. He is as genuine and kind as they come, and I love his thoughtful writing style. His wife is equally as great, but she doesn't blog.

Wry Catcher Never have I met a woman that I want to emulate more than her. I've been a fan of hers since I very first met her on the DAMU last summer, and was lucky enough to become really great friends with her, even if it's only cyberly for now. Trust me, you want to read her blog. She has a way of wording things that rivals Dooce. I'm thrilled that she finally has a freakin' blog!

The blogs I read and why I read 'em

Warning: If you don't like gushing, I suggest you turn away now. I thought I would explain why each of these links are on my "Blogs I Read" list. Perhaps you can give some of these the traffic they deserve?

In alphabetical order:

A New Eric Eric is a close personal friend of mine, and one of the reasons why I started blogging in the first place. On his blog he journeys his process of developing into the man he wants to become. His stories are always compelling and well written.

Arizona Expositor At one time a convert to mormonism, now finding his spiritual journey with Judaism.

Belaja I met Belaja on the DAMU now the DAMU nearly two years ago. Belaja has always been a hero of mine. She is a very strong, intelligent, and witty woman who is one of the best writers ever. We bonded over U2 when I found out she attended the famous concert at Sun Devil Stadium in Arizona where parts of Rattle And Hum was filmed, and later she then stole my heart by carrying around a fuck you stick and not being afraid to use it on idiots. Vote for Belaja in 2008!

Darwin's Apostle written by my friend Dr. Ros. Ros is the coolest spaz of a woman who recently completed her PhD and has just started her post doc fellowship at a prestigious university. Damn her aspirations that keep her from blogging more often! (I miss you, Ros! When are we gonna make out?)

Dooce Why wouldn't I read Dooce? First blog I ever started following faithfully. I keep hoping that we're going to meet and she'll realize that I'm the best friend she never had but always wanted. I keep my eyes on the lookout for her when I'm out and about in the city, that's not too stalker-ish, is it?

Equality Time I met Equality over a year ago, also on the DAMU. Equality worships U2 almost as much as I do! His blog is extremely well written and thought provoking. He is a non-believer in mormonism who at this time, chooses to remain a part of the church. I think that if someone were to make positive changes from the inside, he would be the man to do it.

Every Wrong Move AKA Liseysmom. Liseysmom and I used to post on the same LDS parenting message board for years, and found the DAMU and left mormonism at the same time. Two years ago this summer, my husband and I made a trip out to her neck of the woods to do a tour of the east coast. Plus, she and her husband took me to my first strip club! Good times, good times.

Fiddley Gomme AKA Pete Dunn. His blog is full of brutal honesty, charm, and charisma. Pete could quite possibly be the male equivelant of Dooce.

La's Self Discovery Blog La is another close personal friend of mine, and yet another reason why I started blogging. It was easier to stalk her this way. I met La about a year ago, and we hit it off and have been great friends ever since. La's blog chronicles her self discovery, always a great read!

Floating in the Milk also a friend from the DAMU. Her blog talks about her experiences attending church as a non believer but who chooses to stay in to support her husband and family. She is a strong woman with fascinating views and opinions.

From the Ashes even though she lives as far away from me as you can get and still be in the same country, I've had the great pleasure of meeting her twice. We left mormonism at the exact same time and found the DAMU at the exact same time, so it's interesting for me to see our progress. Her blog is among the most well written and thought provoking that I know of. She has a beautiful way of expressing herself in an intelligent, concise manner. Secret fantasy: I would love to share a bottle of wine with her and Dooce and just listen to the conversation that would take place after.

Gluby Gluby is new to the blog world but it feels like he's always been there. He started posting and just fit right in. I love what he has to say and love the commentary he brings to my blog.

Jer Illuminated My husbands blog, why wouldn't I read it? He gives his own account of his exit from mormonism and rants about work.

Just One Of Many AKA Amy. Amy is witty, sassy, and sexy. Plus she started the Bitchin' Bikini Club.

Lemon Blossom AKA Bride of Gluby. She is new to the blogging community, also new in her exit from mormonism. She's starting to take up belly dancing, what's not to love?

Letters From a Broad AKA C.L. Hanson I love love love this blog! This woman has it all- looks, brains, intelligence, AND she gets to live in France. She's got a book coming out that I insist you check out! It's called Exmormon, the novel.

Miranda's Meanderings I've known Miranda cyberly for nearly two years now, also from the DAMU. But not the regular DAMU, but the DAMUU (DisAffected Mormon Underground Underground). Miranda is a stellar example that you can do anything you want to do as long as you put your mind to it. Plus I don't think I've seen her make one grammar mistake, ever.

Post Secret I've got a secret that I can't explain. Who doesn't?


Ramblings of a MattMan Matt's blog talks about the difficulties of being unhappily married to a believing spouse. My heart breaks for the guy, I hope he's able to find happiness soon. His story is captivating.

Ramblings of a SAHM Regina Filangi. She is a true sweetheart, and if we didn't live across the country I'm sure we'd be great friends in real life. Poor girl is having massive computer issues at the moment so she's been an absentee. But I miss her, and not in the relief society kind of way!

Rebecca... and all that Entails HI-LAR-I-OUS!!!!! This girl has more wit in her pinky finger than I have in my entire body. I used to think she hated me, then she started reading my blog and being nice to me so I think she likes me now. At any rate, I love her to pieces and hope to meet her in person soon. She rawks!


Sideon's Sanctuary Sideon is my twin sister trapped in a gay mans body. He is thoughtful and well written, and somehow I feel better knowing that he reads my blog and responds. I've been told before that I'm a gay man trapped in a woman's body, and I believe that is a grand assessment. If he doesn't come out to Utah soon, I'm tempted to crash his place.

Sister Mary Lisa SML is quite possibly the most popular woman in outer bloggness. She makes great efforts to read and respond to everyones blogs, full of support, kindness, and sincerity. She has a way of writing that really takes you into situations and makes you feel like you were there. Her, in and of herself, has made blogging worthwhile. It's a pleasure to know her!

Sum Wun Not new to blogging but new to me! He is close personal friends with Pete Dunn and I can only imagine how fun it would be to be in the same place at the same time as these two. Plus, his writing can be a little on the erotic side and it kinda turns me on.

Tales of the Phoenix Michelle is another IRL friend of mine. She's a nevermo transplant to Utah, but hangs with the ex-mo's. She is gorgeous, funny, and a fabulous cook! She brought me some of her Boston Creme Cupcakes that were out-of-this-world-to-die-for! She met me at my most unglamorous moment but chooses to be my friend anyway, so I love her! :)

Last, but not least....
This, That, and the Other recently changed to Puddle of Nothing (I'll have to change my linky link!). This is Randy. I met Randy at the DAMU (and the DAMUU) a couple of years ago. He is an attorney in New Orleans that chronicles everything from his autistic sons, the cleanup efforts of Hurricane Katrina, TV and movies, and his exit from mormonism. This guy is a real sweetheart and someone I am very glad to know.

*whew*! If you are not on my blog list but would like to be, let me know!

Hawaiian Shirt Fridays

Please please please tell me that I'm not the only one who detests Hawaiian shirt fridays.



Does anyone work in an office that does NOT participate in this hideous ritual?

Happy birthday (one day late) to my BFF Shiree! She has entered her 30's with style and grace! Tomorrow night we're gonna party like it's her birthday, playboy mansion style. I can't wait!

The opposite of charming

Deep thoughts by Christy:

If you're talking to me, and I'm doing all I can to not look at you, and I'm doing my best to rush the conversation, then you probably have food on your face. I would tell you, but we're not at that level of friendship.

Missed opportunities

One of my reasons for disaffection was the fact that I never had any spectacular spiritual moments. I had moments that seemed spiritual, but even as a true believer in the church, I could never reconcile the fact that I had a certain blessing was because I was mormon. If that were the case, then I may as well thank god for being white and rich (globally speaking).

I started thinking about this because recently, I found my patriarchal blessing re-read it. It was rather generic, relatively speaking. I got it when I was very young, and to be completely honest, I wanted it more as a way to tell my future than anything. I was 14 at the time and I wanted to know if I was going to get married and have kids and live to see the second coming. I could have cared less what my lineage was... of course it was Elijah, I was white and American! I did what every young girl is supposed to do before her blessing... I prayed, I fasted, I read the scriptures, I wanted this to happen! Then my best friend in my ward wanted it too, so she scheduled her appointment for a week after mine. I remember going to my blessing and really trying hard to feel spiritual and impressed, but perhaps I had built it up in my head a little too much? Looking back, it was anticlitmatic. After my friend had her blessing she called me to talk about it. We were best friends so of course we could reveal all to each other! Her blessing was practically the same as mine, verbatim. At the time I thought... "huh. Either we're very close, or the patriarchal blessing is a crock". I wasn't best friends with this girl much longer after that, so there goes my first theory.

This got me to thinking about other moments that were supposed to be spiritual but weren't. Not in any specific order other than what comes to my brain first:

Frankfurt temple dedication. I remember the date, it was August 30 1987. The day before my first day of 7th grade. My parents were invited to the celestial room for the dedication, so my sister and I went with my bishop and his wife to one of the other viewing rooms. I still don't understand why my parents were invited to the celestial room and my bishop wasn't. My mom was the stake relief society president, but this other dude was the bishop! He's since revealed that he's gay and is out of the church, but still... it doesn't make sense. I was excited for this- my first temple dedication! It was going to be amazing and spiritual and... why is that old man in the back of the room clearing his throat constantly? Why do I have to wave this stupid handkerchief? I feel silly! This isn't spiritual! What's wrong with me?

Baptisms for the dead. I had heard urband ledgends of people who did baptisms and had visions of those they were doing work for. Never happened for me. Could it be because I was always more interested in where we were going for dinner afterwards or what boys would be in the same car as me on the way home? I dunno, maybe. Still, I felt like there was something wrong with me.

Taking my own endowments out. It wasn't so bad, not terribly freaky or anything. It was weird seeing my friends and family in those weird outfits, acting like everything was normal. Afterwards I had a disagreement with my husband to be and didn't speak to him for several hours. My dad told me about the blood atonments on the way home. (my dad was a non believer all this time... he was trying to give me hints that I didn't catch on to) It was all just "okay". Nothing groudbreaking or spiritual like I had hoped.

Being sealed in the temple. I haven't a clue what was said. I barely remember who was there. I couldn't wear my own dress because it was too low-cut and not completely white. My husbands cousin invited her friend who was doing a session with her at the temple earlier that morning, I think it was a mission companion or something. That pissed me off.

I did have one moment that was spiritual, and that's it. After being home from the hospital with newborn twins for about 4 hours, my reality set in. I cried. And I cried and I cried. For about 36 hours straight, I cried. I finally told my husband to call around and see who could give me a blessing. It was the day after thanksgiving so I suppose we were lucky to get anyone at all, but we ended up with our bishop and good friend from down the street. Not too shabby. We each had blessings, and talked to them for a bit. After they left, we both felt like a huge burden was lifted. When we were figuring out how we felt about the church, this was the one thing that kept us thinking that maybe we should stay. Then I got to thinking, how stupid is that! Yes we felt something that night, but why would god lift my burden just because I knew to ask for a blessing? If there is a god, then no matter what their faith or how they've been taught to believe, he's going to help them out when they need it. That, and I think it helped us to talk to other people who had been through the new parenting process. That, and the next day my sister brought over some of her leftover prozac which held me over until I could get my own prescription.

I have had some moments where I felt enlightenment and spirituality where it wasn't expected. They are:

My first U2 concert. And the 2 other U2 concerts I went to that year were on par.
Walking in Murren, Switzerland. Wry Catcher knows exactly what I'm talking about here!
Finding meaning in an episode of scrubs. This happens whenever it airs.
Overcoming paralyzing fears. I've come a long way, baby!
Re-connecting with close friends that I haven't spoken to in far too long. There's something about a genuine connection to your past.
Finding out that I had more in common with my siblings than I thought. And realizing that I like them, apart from loving them because I have to.

Just to name a few.

I'm No Superman

Or Superwoman, for that matter.

Did anyone watch Scrubs tonight? As the nature of Scrubs has been, I laughed throughout the episode and was crying by the end. The writers of this show are Pure.Genious. I could probably write a blog post about each and every episode and how it relates to my life. But that would get boring. Still, I'm going to talk about tonights episode.

Spoilers if you haven't seen it and are planning on watching it! Turn away now!

The main plot of tonights episode "My House" revolved around JD and his pregnant girlfriend Kim. Kim has a job offer in another state that would be fantastic for her career, which lasts for 4 months. So does she stay with her boyfriend (who impregnated her), or does she take the opportunity of a lifetime? JD wants her to stay. He loves her, he wants to be with her while she's carrying his child. He can't move with her. However, he can't tell her "Stay! Don't leave me!" so he acts like the supportive boyfriend and encourages her to go, even though it's killing him inside.

I've been in both sides of this scenario, and it's a tough call. You don't want to be the whiney and clingy partner, but you shouldn't be dishonest about your real feelings. Are we still in a day and age where a person needs to play "hard to get" in order to be desireable? Are humans still seeking after the thrill of the hunt? I don't know. I hated these theories when I was on the dating scene. If you can't be genuine with your potential mate, then what's the point? I don't have the answer to these questions. I would like to think I'm 100% genuine with everyone all the time, but I know that's not true. At least it's something that I'm conscientious about and work towards... that's saying something, right?

Ultimately, Kim takes the job, and JD confesses how he really feels about it, but is still supportive. I think this speaks volumes. Neither is sacrificing who they are or how they're feeling, but there is a mutual satisfaction there.

Which leads me to another point, staying true to yourself and maintaining your identity. Now that I think about it, this subject alone could be it's own blog entry, so I'll save that can of worms for another day.

Almost switching gears entirely but still talking about tonights episode of Scrubs, at the very end, we see Carla lying in bed in the maternity ward holding her baby (who was NOT a newborn but closer to 6 months--- whatEVER!) and crying. This is where I felt the tears. I have already written in length about the shock I felt after having newborn twins. I cried for 36 hours straight. I had 3 months of pure hell before I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. 5 years later, life is normal again, but damn... at the time, I thought that was the end of my world, even though I had been given the greatest of "blessings". I love that they're introducing Carla into the world of post-partum depression. I know that they'll do it in true Scrubs style... it will have an amazing sense of honesty without being too much of a downer. In my opinion, life is too short to be serious all the time.

How did this post get so long? Sorry about that. I *heart* Scrubs, if you didn't already know.

Yup, it rules to be me.

A lot of people think I'm silly for living in Utah, especially considering that I'm ex-mormon. I think living in Utah had huge benefits when we left the church. Where there is a higher concentration of mormons, there will be a higher concentration of ex-mormons. Never in my life have I known more genuine, intelligent, not to mention good-looking people. Oh yeah, that's something else I've thought about- I think that only the really good looking and smart people leave the church. At least, it seems like all of the ex-mo's that I know are such.

Wait, what is it about being me that rules? Oh, that's right! So not only do I know all of the really cool local ex-mo's, but I've had the great privilege of meeting several from out of state. Coincidentally, many of them have family here that they visit during the holidays and they need some sanity or reality breaks, a service that I am happy to provide!

Last friday I got to go to dinner with the very lovely Meg Slate (from the DAMU) and her husband Jack. You may remember my gushing over Meg Slate from my recent business trip to New York. We ate fabulous indian food and drank lots of wine, and had incredible conversation. Meg and Jack, thanks for making the time for us! And thanks for the Max Brenner chocolates! I'm doing my best to eat them slowly and savor each bite.

Tonight it was my honor to dine with From The Ashes. This was my second time meeting her, I met her and her husband and son when they visited family in Utah a year ago. I've always felt a special kinship with her because she left the church at the same time I did, and she's been able to express some of my innermost thoughts as they are so inline with hers. Thanks for the dinner invite FTA! We also met with Abner and Mrs. Doon (from the DAMU), they are adorable and fascinating to talk to.

I think it's safe to say that I get to meet the coolest people. They all just come to me. Who's next??

"Do you expect me to get that with my vagina?

Because I'm not that coordinated!"

Said by my friend Shiree, to our friend Chuck.

That's all I'm sayin'....

Happy New Year, everyone!

Is it any wonder I'm tired?

A friend of mine who reads my blog but NEVER BOTHERS TO POST asked me how I chose the topics that I blog about. Truth be told, I blog when inspiration hits. Blogging can't be forced. If it is, then I think it will suck. Anyway, I'm not one to to name names, but my friend can be seen in This picture and This one.

I've been off of work since the Friday before Christmas. Friday wasn't so bad, my girls went to their babysitter and I was able to have some completely selfish fun. By saturday I had FINALLY finished Christmas shopping for them, and by Sunday, I was relaxed, despite the fact that my husband had to work and it was just me and the girls at home. On Monday, we had a good Christmas. We visited my in-laws and my parents, the girls were spoiled beyond belief, and we got their new beds with new bedding that Santa brought them all set up.

The truth of the matter is, I don't think I could cut it as a stay at home mom. Selfishly, I love the time I spend at work. I love being "Christy" and not mother and wife. I love making decisions and knowing that what I do and say makes a difference in how things are done. I'm an instant gratification kind of person. It's an overwhelming, daunting task to know that what I do and say will probably end up being talked about on a therapists couch, one day. I try my hardest, but I know that eventually, they'll regret everything that I've done for them. I'll just do my best to get them the help that they need and not take it personally. No parent is perfect.

At that note, I'm dreading going back to work. Until a couple of months ago, I was the only person who did my job. With this knowledge, I had a hard time taking time off knowing I was going to have to go back and it would all still be there for me to do. Last fall, my boss allowed me to hire someone to do the busy work so that I could focus on other things. She's been amazing and has caught on extremely well. But I'm still afraid to go back. It's only wednesday and I already have butterflies over what is waiting for me at my desk.

If I don't know where it was made, I don't want it!

My department has had 3 lunches this month, scheduled for the holidays. One of them was an end of year "Thank You" (can no longer classify official business meetings as Holiday) held by our department VP. It was a very classy event held at a prestigious restaurant, with great food and service. The second was held the very next day for the entire business unit. Lunch was catered in from a local business, lame gifts were given out, and it was okay. The third was held today, just a department potluck and white elephant gift exchange.

I really don't like potlucks. It's not so much a dislike, but rather, a fear. First of all, you don't know what the kitchens of your co-workers look like. You don't know if they wash their hands at home. You're not sure who as been in the line before you, touching the same utensils and breathing on the food. So many unknowns. Yet if you chose to not participate, the potential is there to be seen as the department scrooge. Such is my dilemma.

I "accidentally" forgot to bring a gift to exchange (not really- I just have no desire to trade my crap for someone elses), and brought a pre-made salad from Costco. I purposely waited for everyone else to go, and got at the end of the line. Then the department slug got in line behind me. This slug is a man that I work with that is the most condescending sexist pig I've ever met. How he is still employed by my very politically correct company, I'll never know. I know of at least 2 occasions that he's been busted for porn viewing in the office. His wife is a BYU professor! When he speaks to me he acts like he's teaching a sunbeam class. And he's huge... probably 6'4" and 300 pounds. And he's in line behind me. Behind me isn't a good way to put it, more like, he got in line ON TOP OF ME. Literally breathing down my back, his stomach touching my arm and waaaaaaaay over invading my personal space. So I got out of line and went back to my desk. I'm not THAT eager to make an appearance.

I wait for everyone to finish, and am the very last in line. No room for me at the big table, I have to sit at the "little kids" table with 2 others.

Doesn't every office have these lame-ass potlucks? Why? Does anyone REALLY like them? I mean, don't most people have the exact same experience I just described?

To end on a happy note, this was my last day of work until 2007. Yipee!!

Weirdness ensues

More on the weird stuff. I have to direct your attention to the comments on my post below about my weird traits. My BFF Shiree tried to sneak in some weird things about herself thinking that they would go un-noticed, and I can't have that. Everyone should get to experience the joy that is Shiree, in whatever way possible.

Now I get to sing the praises about my friend, because it's my blog and I'll gush if I want to.

Shiree has a smile that brightens any room she enters. There are some people in crowds who do everything they can to be the center of attention, then there are people who just are. This is the type of person that everyone is drawn to and can't stop staring at. The latter is Shiree. She has the most infectious laugh that I've ever heard, you can't not enjoy every moment of being in her presence. She dances like Shakira at 3 in the morning when everyone else is coming off of their drunken stupors and ready to crash. She is more crafty than Martha Stewart, plays the drums like a rockstar (I'm not kidding!), and has been known to wake her husband in the middle of the night to give HIM oral satisfaction. Yup, she is, without a doubt, the perfect woman. And I'm lucky enough to call her BFF!

Here we are, with one of our other BFF's Erica, at the party that we met La at last year:

I'm sandwiched between Erica (left) and Shiree (right), which is how I like it! We are post tequila shot with oranges and just as happy as can be.

I love you Shiree, and all the weirdness that comes with you is just the icing on the cake!

(PS- happy late birthday to Rob! It was the 18th and I totally flaked. I'm sorry, Rob!!)

Elevator Etiquette

Now it's time for a completely random thought by Christy.





I've worked in the same building for the past 10 years, 7 months, and 13 days. The building I work in is rather large, mostly in width and depth, but only 4 stories high. The planning of this building was not well thought out. You enter on one side of the building, and walk into a grand atrium with skylights, trees, and elevators. This is the only elevator access throughout the building. To finish setting this pointless story up, I have worked on the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd floors.

It is an un-written rule, that unless you have an obvious major medical condition, you do not take the elevator to the second floor without receiving looks to kill. There is a fun spiral staircase in the atrium that goes up one level, or there are countless stairwells throughout the building. The elevators are painfully slow, so people on the 3rd and 4th floors feel highly inconvenienced if you have to make a stop at the 2nd. When I was pregnant with twins I worked on the second floor, and I would have contractions when walking up the stairs. Every time I got in the elevator, I felt like I had to explain to everyone why I was there and making them stop.

Now that I work on the 3rd floor, I have a set of standards that I try to abide by. If I'm going up stairs, and happen to be walking in front of the elevator and the door is open, I'll take the elevator. Otherwise, I take the stairs. This morning I got in the elevator and kept the door open for a woman who was running towards me saying "Please hold the elevator for me!" Okay, no problem. I, following proper elevator etiquette, say "Which floor?" as I pressed the number three button. The woman says "Oh, three is good."

Three is good? Does she not know which floor she needs to go to work on? So wherever I'm going, it's good for her? Truthfully, I think she needed to go to the second floor, but didn't want me to give her the evil eye, so she asked for 3 and walked to 2. It could be that I'm overanalyzing this. Personally, I think it's easier to walk up a flight of stairs than it is to walk down a flight of stairs. But I'm weird like that.

With this big long pointless boring story, I'll end it like this. Even still, as annoying as it is to stop on the second floor for the lazy peeps, it still beats the one thing that makes me cringe, that I hear almost daily. It's worth repeating, this building has 4 floors. After I ask "Which floor?" Someone trying to be clever and make small talk in an elevator full of strangers, will inevitably say "Five please, I hear that's where the hot tub is".

It defies all sense of personal integrity to laugh out of courtesy.

More fun than should be allowed

I found this a few years ago, and every year I get such a kick out of it... you should too! Holiday Snowglobe

I suck at the blog updating lately! Not that I think anyone is on pins and needles just waiting to find out what happens in my oh-so-boring (yet terribly exciting) life. But if I don't continue to update, you won't continue to come back and read and respond, then what will happen to our sEXMObile created by Gluby?


Last night we went to Jer's family Christmas party. First time I've seen most of his extended family since announcing our exodus more than a year ago. We couldn't go to the party last year because it fell on the same night as the U2 concert, and I have priorities. I was still greeted kindly and hugged by everyone, but I think most of them didn't know what to do with me beyond that. I did my best to not only look great, but be happy the entire time.

Yesterday my daughter Emilie was asking about her nipples, and we got to talking about how all mammals have nipples. Then she said "Does Santa Clause have nipples?" I couldn't contain my laughter at this point- that's an image I've not ever thought of. "Yes Emilie, Santa Clause has nipples too!" After she thought about that for a minute, she said "Well are they really big nipples?"

I tried doing a google image search for a Santa Clause with nipples and couldn't come up with anything. My photoshop abilities do not rock. So here's my request for those of you with the mad photoshop skillz- create an image of Santa Clause with nipples for me? And NOT Mrs. Santa Clause. I want the old jolly fat guy. Pete or Gluby, I'm leaving this in your very capable hands.

Tagged by Sideon!

Sideon, it's a good thing I like you, or else I would tell you to piss up a rope! (I totally stole that from Pete Dunn)

I'm supposed to blog about six weird things about me. The thing is, I'm the most boring, normal person in the world. There really are not six weird things about me. Pete Dunn has a great idea- he said he's going to devote his next 6 posts that are weird facts about him. I briefly considered stealing that idea from him (Pete- don't hate! Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery!), but then I realized that my posts would be boring and normal. Here I go, trying to come up with six weird things about me, and I'll try to not be normal.

1. I love dust. I blame this on the fact that I'm low in iron. Everywhere I go, if I see dust, I wipe it. It's a sickness. I love watching the dust disappear. If there's a lot, I love to blow on it and watch the particles in the air. When I talk to co-workers, I will start dusting their desks without realizing it. I don't eat dust-- I just love playing with it. And I crave the smell from the dust on my window blinds in my bedroom, but only from there. My iron levels are dangerously low, even after taking supplements. I blame this on that.

2. I hum without knowing it. A couple of years ago I had a co-worker talking about how noises people make annoy her, and she said "But Christy's humming doesn't bother me". I said "What?? I don't hum! You must be hearing something else!" and she agreed with me. Later I was telling my cubie mate about this, and she said "Christy, you DO hum! Especially when you're concentrating on something." WTF?!?! Then the next day, I caught myself. Yeah, I hum. I've tried to stop, but I'm sure I still do it without realizing.

3. I have a few OCD traits, but they're probably pretty normal. I'm always afraid of leaving my flat iron or curling iron plugged in. I don't believe that they're really unplugged unless I actually touch the plug at least twice. I always forget, and have to run back to check. I've even driven away from my house, and had to turn around and go back home to make sure everything is unplugged. It ALWAYS is.

4. My fingers, toes, knees, and hips are double jointed. Here's the freak that I am- when I was 10 or 11 years old, I used to twist my fingers up before I took the sacrament. Most people try to twist their fingers, but they can't do it like I do. For me, it was a way to attract the boys passing the sacrament. Most girls try to primp and look pretty, but Christy tries to look deformed. I guess I really am a freak. Oh, and I can play Nintendo with my toes.

5. My memory is insane. In fact, I play it down so that people don't think that I'm stalking them. I remember everything about people. Their names, birthdays, where they're from, their phone numbers, etc. I pretend to forget the details, but I remember all of this of about 90% of people I meet. If I don't remember, it's because something must have distracted me when I learned the information. I usually lie and say I don't remember, just so I can feel like I'm normal.

6. I can talk really really fast. When I get nervous or speak in front of a crowd, I have to keep reminding myself to slow down my speech. My dad used to tell me that it sounded like I was speaking a foreign lanugage, I was speaking so fast.

Damn, those were really lame. I'm so boring. So now who do I torture by tagging?

Ros
Belaja
Liseysmom
Floating in the Milk
Regina Filangi
Cutie Patootie Rebecca

It's all about picking your battles

Last summer, my mom had what we think is a nervous breakdown. My dad announced to her about 3 years ago, that after 40 years of marriage, he has never believed in the church. My mom is what some might call a church addict. She's struggled with serious depression ever since, although she never let on to what she was going through. She always put on a happy face and tried to ignore the feelings. Last spring, I told her that I didn't believe in mormonism anymore, and would no longer be practicing, nor would I raise my children that way. Again, she put on a happy face and said "Only you know what the best path in life is!" and the discussion was over.

Back to the nervous breakdown. It's a really long story and I won't get into the details, but the nuts and bolts of it is that one day she started speaking really strangely, saying very odd things, and she actually sounded drunk. Her speech was slurred, she wasn't making any sense. Her body was uncontrollabley shaking, and she was hearing voices and seeing spots. After a few calls to her doctor, my dad was advised to take her to the emergency room.

To wind this up, she was put through several tests, given all sorts of medications, and her doctors were baffled. I witnessed everything first hand, and I know she wasn't faking any of it. Ever since then, I've been unconsciously detaching myself from the situation. I want to be there for her, but I don't know how to act or what to say in her presence. She's still not herself, and I'm doubtful that she ever will be herself again. She still says really odd things... for instance, after recently returning from my business trip to NYC, she said "So did you go to Florida, too?" Yeah, because it's a hop, skip, and a jump, right? This is not my mom. My mom is bright and intelligent and independant. She only has little moments that make me remember who she used to be.

Today my mom calls me and says "I found the most adorable Christmas book for the girls! It has two stories, one about how Santa knows what they're doing and loves them and gives them presents, then the other is the same story, but only it's about Jesus! Isn't that great? You still teach them about Jesus, don't you?" I hope you'll understand why I didn't have the heart to tell her no. I guess I'll let her read the girls the book when she gives it to them, then I'll put it on a shelf until it's eventually sent to the DI. (Deseret Industries... local thrift shop for you non Utahn or LDS folk)

I'm sorry Ros, gosh!!

Ros posted a comment in my last post that she's impatiently waiting for my next update. Ros is one of the few people I will let boss me around (rawrrr!) so here's my update on nuthin'...

Christmas is 2 weeks away, and I'm a little freaked out. Still have done only minimal shopping. We took the girls to the mall to see Santa yesterday, and I had to peek my head into Express, just to see what they had to offer, plus I received a $15 off coupon in the mail that I *have* to use before December 24th. I'm not one to pass up anything discounted from Express... so I ended up shopping for me! :) Then the adorable sales girl gave me a $10 off coupon for a future visit before December 24th. You can bet on the fact that I will return for another purchase... those Express marketing reps are pure genious! Of course, I believe their clothes sell themselves.

My post about the Victoria's Secret model generated quite the response, I was highly entertained with each comment! Combine this with the fact that some of my friends have told me that they read my blog, but they NEVER BOTHER TO POST!! So here I am, begging and pleading all of you who are reading this, please say hi?? You can remain anonymous, although I would prefer to know who you are, beggars can't be choosers. You don't need to post anything more than "hi!". I would just like to get a general idea of how many lurkers are out there.

Please?? Pretty please?? I'm not above bribery!

Why does Jesus have to spoil Christmas?

My husbands younger brother found his myspace page where Jer lists himself as an Atheist. Little brother has known that Jer left mormonism for quite some time now, but I guess the thought never crossed his mind that he might become *gasp* an ATHEIST!! How could this be?? The evil horror! So little brother freaks out to mom and dad, who actually done made me proud by quoting the 11th Article of Faith "We claim the privilege of worshipping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, and what they may."

So Jer gets a wild hair up his ass and sends little brother a message just to torment him, something about how atheists eat babies. It turned into a back and forth battle of the wits, in which little brother is poorly equipped. After a few messages, it stopped being fun for Jer. It's pointless to pick on someone in a different league. Little brother was very concerned about our hypocrisy of celebrating Christmas. Whatevah, what the thinks has never bothered me.

Tonight we did what many Atheists do around Christmas time, and went to see Ballet West's Nutracker:



My daughters sat enchanted the entire time, I can't even get them to do that with movies! The performance was spectacular as always, and we had a fantastic time. On the way there, I decided to put on some Christmas music to make me feel more festive. *sigh* Most of the songs they played are songs that I used to love and loved to sing with, then listening to the words, I decided that little brother might be right about having to be christian in order to celebrate Christmas.

I came home to an email from my friend Jeff (known on the DAMU as SL Slacker- known worldwide as a fantastic writer), in which he stated "It seems every time I put on a Christmas CD I'm enjoying the music when all of a sudden it blurts out something like "Oh Praise Jesus - Bow down and be clean from your sins because of the little baby." or something like that."

I couldn't agree more with Jeff, couldn't agree more.

Now I know what to ask Santa for Christmas!

My dreams have come true today. Does anyone remember this post? Well Pete Dunn remembered, and emailed me a link to this today.

Thanks Pete, you're my new best friend!

Get your Sexy on!

Last night my husband and I watched the Victoria's Secret fashion show, which was so much fun. We both lust after the same Angel, Alessandra Ambrosio:






She's been my catalogue favorite for a couple of years, although it's depressing when I buy something that she's wearing and I don't look nearly as fantastic.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia

I learned this word yesterday, from a business colleague of mine in the UK. This is a colleauge who intentionally tries to use at least 5 big words in each sentence to confuse and dismay people. Really, he's admitted to this fact.

Me: "Thanks for the info, Peter, but I don't think I'll ever make use of that word."
Him: "Why not? It's a perfectly functional, fine word."
Me: "I refuse to use words I can't even pronounce!"
Him: "What's so difficult about Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?" (yes, he said it with ease and finesse!)
Me: "Okay, I'll try. Hipopotamusblahblahblabha"
Him: "Keep practicing, you'll get it one day!"

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia means the fear of long words. While I may not always use long words, I'm okay with them. That being said, I have many other irrational fears. Here is my confession:

• Voice Mail. I see that red light on my phone, and I avoid it until it can't be avoided any longer. This has actually gotten me in trouble once or twice. Moral of this story is, if you want to talk to me, wait until you can get ahold of me, email me, or text me. Chances are, I won't get your voicemail until much after the fact.
• Anything in my eyes. I count myself lucky for still having perfect vision. When the time comes that I need corrective lenses, I hope I'll look as hot as Tina Fey, because I'll wear glasses for the rest of my life.
• Toilet flushers. I refuse to touch with my hands, always kick it with my shoes.
• Speaking of bathrooms, the door handles of public restrooms. I always use papertowels to open the bathroom door.
• Swimming in lakes. I'm afraid that I'm going to swim across a dead body. Too many horror movies, perhaps?
• Movie theater seats. I'm very picky as to what seats I'll sit in. Because of this, I only go to newer movie theaters, and arrive early so that I can sit in a seat that doesn't gross me out.
• Spiders. But I disagree that this fear is irrational.
• Hotel room comforters. I've seen one too many dateline specials on this. As soon as I enter my hotel room, the comforter is stripped off the bed and put on the floor.

Okay, wow. I could keep going on, but I believe this is enough neurosis exposed for now.

Please tell me I'm not the only one with irrational fears?

Hell, I would have married Wanda!

*****!!!WARNING!!!*****

*****What is contained hereafter is talk about season 1 of Big Love. If you have not seen this, but have every desire to, DO NOT READ ANY MORE OF THIS POST!!!*****

*****SPOILERS FROM HERE ON OUT!!!*****


I finally finished watching Season 1 of Big Love.

WOW WOW WOW!!! I loved this series, and can't wait for more. I love how the HBO producers have such a knack for character development.

First thing's first. I loved the core women in this show. Everyone from Barb to Wanda to Bill's mom. I know that at first I had dislike towards Nikki, but that quickly changed. Hell, who doesn't love a woman who knows how to not only carry a washer out of her house, but fix it? I wonder if she will marry me??? I loved watching Nikki and the way she worked. I also loved Barb and Margie, for what each of their characters had to offer. I could easily see why Bill fell in love with each of them. And even though some of the wording or pronounciation was off "recoMEND", I still felt like so much of it was a nod to ex-mo's. There are so many things that you could only understand *AND* appreciate if you are a former mormon.

So, to summarize, I loved each character, and the developments they made throughout the story. Polygamy would be an extremely rough lifestyle, even if modernized, I couldn't really do it.

I do wonder about Barb, and what season 2 will bring. I hated that she was disqualified from the Mother of the Year award, that scene was rather heart breaking. I wonder what will turn out with Ben? I went from thinking that he had a thing for Margie, to thinking that he was possibly gay. And I think that Rhonda is a little Nikki in the making. The Alby character absolutely gave me the creeps, is it bad if I wanted him dead and loved Wanda for doing something to him?

Readers who have watched the show (and I know there are many of you), what say ye?

You must believe me, this really is FUNNY!

"(Let's Have) A Patrick Swayze Christmas"
from Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Listen to the song HERE

Transcribed by Paul Ashley and Lisa Jenkins

[On the satellite:]

JOEL: I think it's kind of, uh, hot to be wearing these scarves in here.
TOM: Oh, yeah.
CROW: Well, scarves are a must. You can't go caroling without a scarf. Catch your death!
JOEL: Man, you were like one of those kids I remember in, uh, high school that used to sell the most candy bars for the marching band.
TOM: Yeah, and you'd be president of the swing choir, too.
CROW: Ha ha! Ah, thanks, Joel Robinson. Thanks, Tom Servo.
TOM: What a kiss-up, this guy.
CROW: Okay, now if you'll all look at your sheet music, uh, we can rehearse my new song.
JOEL: You wrote a Christmas song?
CROW: Hey, there's no tradition like a new tradition! Ha ha ha!
TOM: Um, wait a minute. "Let's Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas?"
CROW: Oh, yeah, yeah. Based on my favorite movie, Roadhouse.
TOM: C'mon, what the heck does PATRICK SWAYZE have to do with CHRISTMAS?!
CROW: Hey, you keep Christmas in your way, and let me keep it in mine, okay?
TOM: Oh, geeez.
JOEL: Hey, c'mon, Tom Servo, it seems like a nice enough sentiment and we can give it a shot. C'mon.
CROW: All right. Okay. Okay. Uh, 12/8 time, uh, key of A-flat major--
TOM: Good.
CROW: Uh, Cambot, shoot 'em the tune. Uh, okay, you'll just have to stay with me, everybody, okay? Uh, your part's written out. "Let's Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas", by Crow T. Robot.
JOEL: "Paul, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas"?
CROW: Right. Hit it, Cambot!
TOM: Oh! Oh, I start. I get it. Hmm.
CROW: I'm sorry.
TOM: Pick it up.

Open up your heart and let the Patrick Swayze Christmas in.

CROW: We'll gather at the Roadhouse with our next of kin.
TOM: Not bad!
JOEL: And Santa can be our regular Saturday night thing.
'BOTS: We'll decorate our barstools and gather round and sing.
TOM: Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year!
CROW: Or we'll tear your throat out and kick you in the ear!
JOEL: Hold it, hold it a sec. Cambot, stop it. Uh, Crow, I don't know if I think this is an appropriate sentiment anymore for Christmas.
CROW: Hey, what? Like a good action sequence don't belong in Christmas?
JOEL: Well, no, it's just that I've never heard of an action sequence in a Christmas carol before.
TOM: Well, yeah!
CROW: Well, then grab hold o' your socks and read on, Joel Robinson!
TOM: Okay, pick it up from measure 20, Cambot. Lovely intro, though. Very tasteful.
CROW: Thank you.
TOM: I like that.

It's my way or the highway, this Christmas at my ba-ha-haar.

CROW: I'll have to smash your kneecaps if you bastards touch my car!
JOEL: I got the word that Santa has been stealing from the till.
'BOTS: I think that that right jolly old elf better make out his will, ohh,
ALL: Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas, one and all.

And this can be the haziest...
This can be the laziest...
This can be the Swayziest
Christmas of them aaallllllllll!"

TOM: La la la laa ha HAAA!
CROW: How long before it becomes a standard?
JOEL: I think you gotta come with me. C'mon.
CROW: Waaaaah!
TOM: We'll be right back. Oooh. Save a leg for me! Heh heh heh.

Pretty soon you're gonna get a little older

I have a brother who is 10 years older than me, and we've always gotten along very well. When I was younger he absolutely spoiled me-- for instance, when I was in Kindergarten, he used to pick me up from school on his motorcycle and take me out to lunch. All of my friends thought I had the coolest brother, and I did!

My brother got into drugs and alcohol at a very young age, and he became an addict, who got worse with time. In his 20's, he was in and out of jail often. By the time he was 30, he found himself in prison, thanks to his illegal substances and fraud. Fast forward to today, he is now 11 years sober, has a gorgeous wife and three adorable children, a thriving career, beautiful home, and has completely repaid all of his debts to society. He truly is a changed man.

After my brother had been released for a couple of years, it was clear that he was well on his way to success. He and I were talking one day, and he knew how completely unhappy I was with about every aspect of my life. He said to me "I believe people are going to live thier lives however works for them. Until a person hits rock bottom and realizes the lifestyle can't continue, they won't work hard enough make the necessary changes." I was so pissed at him when he said this to me, I actually left the room, went into my bathroom, and cried. How dare he tell me that I wasn't working hard enough to change!

He was right. Approximately two years after this conversation, I was 27, and still hating so much about my life. I took a really hard look at myself, and figured out what I needed to do to make some changes. For those of you who know me now, you would not recognize the 27 year old Christy. I don't look, act, think, or feel the same. I'm a different person physically and mentally. I would post a picture to prove this fact, but I didn't allow pictures of myself to be taken back then. I hated myself, that much.

Ages 27-29 were pretty much hell for me in many aspects. It took that long to work really hard and change myself. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, and so many times I wanted to give up, but it was so.worth.it. I'm not saying I'm perfect now, far from it. I'm still a work in progress, and hope that will always be the case. I never want to stagnate! But I'm so much happier with me, and I know that my friends and family are as well.

The idea for this post came up when I was having a conversation with a friend who is very unhappy with his current state of life. He has so much desire to change, but doesn't know where to start or how to begin. He doesn't know if he's hit rock bottom or is still pinging against the sides, in transit. To him I say this: Take advantage of the time you have now to make the necessary changes. It's not going to be easy, nor is it going to be fun. "Pretty soon you're gonna get a little older" (thanks David Bowie!), and you may as well be a changed man by the time you get there. But do it for yourself, or else it's not gonna happen.