Mostly recovered, but....

For the most part, I'm entirely over mormonism. I enjoy associating with former mormon's because we share a common history. For example, only former mormons will understand why I was elated to get my very own coffee pot. I no longer research why the church isn't true, and my angst is a thing of the past. However, I live in the heart of the Salt Lake City valley, so of course I'm subjected to it on a frequent basis. I sit across from a cute and friendly returned missionary at work, and we joke all the time about being different species. "Your type wouldn't like this movie" or "Only my type will appreciate this for what it is", etc. Luckily, religion doesn't interfere there, nor should it.

A couple of things happened last sunday that made me re-visit my former, mormon life.

First of all, my best friend from my most mormon days, found me on facebook. Her dad is a very well known, high ranking, church official. I won't talk trash about this family, because if you look at the real definition of what it means to be Christlike, this family had it. These people were genuinely GOOD with the best of intentions. Perfect? No. But they did make sincere efforts. During my friendship with them (which lasted many years), I was what some may call an EXTREME mormon. I read my scriptures daily. I never watched R rated movies, and was selective on my PG-13's. At the same time, I became critical of those around me not living the same standards, and harshly judged members of my own family. This wasn't intentional, it just was the way it was. I was able to live this principle, why couldn't everyone else?

My facebook photo shows me in my playboy bunny outfit. I list my relgion as "agnostic". Surlely, she knows that something is up. I'm not sure how to answer her question of what's new in my world. I've not had contact with her since long before I left the church. I think she'll be okay with my beliefs. I don't think that she'll bear her testimony to me.

But it's all so weird. It reminds me of trying to be so perfect for the approval of her and her family. I truly loved her family. Being friends with one of them meant being friends with all of them.

Second, the death of President Hinckley. The man was 97, so it wasn't a shock. He was not perfect. If he was by mormon beliefs, he would have been translated. He had a sweet demeanor, and was a cute old man. However, I know he had some skeletons in his closet. (Mark Hoffman, white salamander, etc.) I don't begrudge those who mourn his death. However I'm still annoyed that the flag in front of my building at work is lowered to half staff in his honor. And also annoyed that Barack Obama cancelled a campain trip to Utah "Out of Respect".

I never really fit the mold. I've been thinking of things that I said and did during my prime belief period. I recall sitting in meetings as the first counselor of the Young Women's presidency. I dreaded that call and didn't want it, but being the dutiful member, accepted the "calling". There was a discussion over whether an 11 year old girl, whose birthday was less than a month after the annual girls camp, would be allowed to attend. The president pulled out her rules handbook, and said that technically, she should not be allowed. I had to speak up and practically beg that they go by the spirit of the law, not the letter. And why alienate her? Why tell her she's not good enough now, when her peer group is?

I didn't get it.

There were other things that I never understood. Gays in the military. Gays adopting children, or getting married. A cup of coffee, or glass of wine in the evening. In my most believing days, these things didn't mae sense.

My last calling in the church was in the primary presidency. I love the small children, and wanted to serve them the best that I could. At the same time, I hated the last presidency meeting I had. We were planning the upcoming summer activity, and it was all about different stations of "Dressing modestly" and "Loving the Scriptures", "Respecting our Prophets". For PRIMARY kids? (Ages 3-12). This was supposed to be our FUN summer activity? I couldn't be part of that. I couldn't put my sweet 4 year olds, in the midst of that.

I left the church soon after this planning meeting, where I clearly had no say in the happenings. I wasn't a handbook type of person, and absolutely hated these meetings.

Sometimes I miss having an easy spiritual pick me up when I need it. I miss having rules set before me. I miss knowing everything. But, I appreciate my life, and things that I love, so much more than I ever did.

Broken Heart

I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind all this music

And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart

And suppose I never met you
Suppose we never fell in love
Suppose I never ever let you kiss me so sweet and so soft
Suppose I never ever saw you
Suppose we never ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall
Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Break my fall
Break my fall

All my friends say that of course its gonna get better
Gonna get better
Better better better better
Better better better

I never love nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting by heart truly
I got lost
In the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind
All this music
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart
Breaks my
Heart
Breaks my heart

Regina Spektor - Fidelity

I recently broke up with the guy that I've been seeing off and on for the past year. I won't get into the details as to how or why, because his point of view is just as valid as mine, and it wouldn't be fair. However, my heart is a broken mess. I know I'll move on and heal with time, but this relationship was rare and unique. Connections like we had are not a dime a dozen. In the reflection, I see some red flags that I should have paid more attention to, but was willing to overlook them. For the most part I'm doing fine, but I have my very sad moments.

That being said, I'm single now. Raaawwwr ;-)

It's true!!! A dream really IS a wish your heart makes!

Sometime last fall, I had a dream that I went to a movie theater to see a U2 movie, and I knew that Bono would be there. I sat in the front row, all the way on the right. He introduced the movie, but went away soon after. He didn't acknowledge me, like I hoped he would. But, he was there, and I saw him. Still an awesome dream.

Fast forward to recent times.

I found out a few weeks ago that U2 has a new 3D concert movie permiering at THE SUNDANCE FILM FESTIVAL!!!! Just a half hour away from where I live. I really wanted to go, but damn, tickets to these things sell out fast! Especially a U2 thing? No way in HELL am I going to get to go!

So, I talked to a friend of mine with connections. He basically said that the chances are slim. I'll have to call around to the box office and see if I can get tickets, or go stand in the wait list line. But still, he'd check his sources and see if he could find anything out.

A week later, he came up empty. The showing was two weeks away, so I wasn't expecting anything.

He sent me a text message on the 11th, that his source came through, I would have two tickets for the midnight showing. Anyone who knows me, know's that I'm a diehard. Midnight would be no problem!

So who do I take? I wanted to make sure I brought some one who really appreciated the band, and someone who I would have A LOT of fun with! Who else, other than my BFF Shiree?

Some of these pictures are taken with my iPhone, the rest are taken with Shiree's nice camera.

Here we are, FIRST IN LINE:

Total MILF's, or what??

Shiree and I were so clueless about Sundance, we were total virgins to this ordeal! Thanks to some good advice from co-workers, I knew to drive as if I'm going to Heber City, not Park City, and take the back-road exit. Somehow we managed to find immediate parking, close to the venue!!

We get to the venue thinking that we'll find a way to catch a shuttle to Main Street and walk around. The first show was seating (9:45), and we found out that they'll be lining up for the midnight show soon. They told us we could wait in the heated tent. (HEAT?!?! THANK YOU!!!!) So off to the heated tent we go.

People behind us say "Hey, we have tickets for the midnight show. Can we line up behind you?" We officially, yet un-officiallly start the line for the midnight show. WE'RE #1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Screw Main Street!

The line next to us is for Adreneline pass holders (they go to shows before 10AM and after 10PM. Cost is $400!), and people in the film industry. I started to talk to the guy next to us, who looks like Ryan Seacrest. We have HOURS to wait in line, why not start making friends around us? I asked him where the best place in the theater to sit would be, and he says "As close as the front as you can get, to the left. That's where the podium is. If the band happens to be there(chances are they won't because it's the second screening), You'll be closer to them."

Shiree and I stand there for 3 hours. We're ahead of all of these people:

Finally we get in. We get to wear these totally groovy glasses!






Again, MILF's, right??


The Boys were there!!! (Minus Larry, poor guy got sick)



I paid A LOT Of money to see them in arena's with 20,000 + people. Last night (early this morning) I saw them in an arena with 1400 people. No, they didn't perform live. But they were THERE. In PERSON. And I was 5 feet away from them!!





Shiree was there, too!!



This woman, with this camera, took my picture!!!



After the band left the stage, my whole body was shaking. I couldn't believe that something like this happened for me. I'll have a perma-smile on my face for a long time to come!

If you're gonna be a singer

Then you better be a Rock Star!!

I swear, in the moment, it felt much more rockin'!

Not for me!

So there's a show that just started airing on TV yesterday. I won't mention it's name, because I don't want a million hits to my blog from google searches (I learned my lesson after mentioning a certain starlette who's name rhymes with starlette. Last name is similar to Johanson. I digress....)

This un-mentionable show is all the rage, and is in what, it's 7th or 8th season? I've lost track. Here's the deal: I watched the first season of it, from the beginning, and faithfully. I literally cried when Kelly Clarkson won, I was so happy for her (and still post-partum)! I still like Kelly today, btw. In season 2, I really did not "get" the Ruben craze, and was all for Clay Aiken to win. In season 3 I was rooting for Jennifer Hudson, and even though she lost, at least she's more successful than the others. After that, I started caring less and less about this show, to the point where I'll watch the last few episodes just to see what my co-workers are talking about, but that's it.

I will say this: I don't understand why most everyone in the world finds humour and entertainment in people who are not only just making asses out of themselves, but only doing it to get their 15 minutes of fame. Seriously-- these people KNOW that they suck, they just want to get on TV. And for some insane reason, most of the public LOVES it, and craves it! I swear, sooner or later, we'll find sport in the christians fighting tigers in colosseums. As for the people who truly suck but "don't get it"??? What's so great about making fun of them? I think it's mean.

And how many times do we have to hear a certain british grumpy guy say "That is the WORST audition I have EVER heard!!!" ?!?!?

I'm not a rigid woman, I do enjoy humour and making fun of people as much as the next person, but it's gotta have its time and place. Making fun of an ass who is a true ass but not necessarily trying to be??? (think George Bush, Britney Spears) FUNNY!! But making fun of someone who is an ass and is trying to be (think Jackass), NOT funny. You're just giving into their lame, unintelligent whims.

I love funny people, I love commedians, I love ammateur singers, I love talent. I just dont love that show. Let me know when we're into the final 12, I'll start watching it then.

Politics, baby!

I can't have a president who's last name is Huckabee, I just can't. For one thing, there's the movie "I :heart: the Huckabee's", and besides, it's an embarrassing name! Can you imagine a meeting of the United Nations where they call on the President of the United States of America, President Huckabee?

I think the american people are tired of the Republican agenda anyway, so regardless of who the final candidate is from that side, they're not going to win. In my opinion, it will come down to Hillary or Obama.

Wouldn't it be just awesome if Hillary won, and then we would have Bush, Clinton, Bush, Clinton in the White House? Who knows, if she's in office for 8 years, then let' say, Jed Bush runs and he's in for the 8 years following, by then, Chelsea will be ready to take over!

However, if Obama wins, can you just see the headlines? Powerhouse Showdown: OBAMA VS. OSAMA
Or, "Obama bomb's Osama". I think that would make some pretty cool headlines.

Yeah, that's my take on things. It's really rather frightening that I was a Poli Sci major. Really though, I just want Hillary to win!

New Man

The rumors are true. I do have a new man in my life.....

I think about him while I work.

I tell everyone who will listen about his amazing qualities.

I count down the hours until I get to see him, spend more time with him.

He's smart.

He's sexy.

He's witty, and intelligent.

He's thrilling. Always manages to surprise me!

He's educated.

He's a family man.

My brother has recommended that I hook up with him for so long, and I finally did!

Who is he?

Why, he's Dexter:









I know, right?

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date with Dexter!

Purrrrrty!

It's almost my BFF Shiree's birthday, so what better way to celebrate than pedi's and lunch? (Mine are on the left, hers on the right. Twinners, except for the color.) This was an entierely selfish gesture on my part. I needed some one-on-one girly time with my BFF. Here's an example of why I must keep her in my life forever:

We go to lunch, and she remembers to tell me about a dream of hers. (I'll post it for Randy's analysis, as soon as he comes around for my crazy dreams!). We start laughing SO.DAMN.HARD. that the water waiter sees us crying in hysteric fits and says "this must be the party table!"

It's always a good time with Shiree. An afternoon with her reminds me of how great life is.

Love you, girl!!

Mormon Angst dream

Paging Dr. Randy Dumpster. Dr. Dumpster, please reply to this post, patient needs your input. Thank you.

I took a pill that was prescribed to me for sleeping, last night. I don't take them every night, but needed one last night. Usually when I take these pills, I have very strange dreams. Last night was no exception.

My dream was set in the present day. Jer and I were still going to church, and putting up a facade of still being married. We looked exactly how we do now (we both look significantly less mormon than we did back then), and we were assigned to speak in sacrament meeting. For some reason, hymns played a big part of the dream. In the real world, 3 hymns are sung in sacrament meeting. In my dream, there were 6 (two in a row, each time).

Jeremy spoke first, and I don't remember what he spoke about. Then it was my turn, and my assigned topic was Redemption. The first part of my talk was a bunch of jibber jabber, probably stuff I copied directly from the ensign or a GA talk or something. Then I incorporated lines of a hymn into my talk, and in my dream, it was #286. I have no idea what that is in real life. But in my dream, it was one of those hymns with many, many lines, that was never sung in sacrament meeting, and nobody knew it. There were so many lines to it, that the words started wrapping around the empty spaces of the page. I was trying to read those, couldn't quite see the words, and when I could, I couldn't pronounce the words, they were too big. I felt stupid. I laughed at myself, looked at the congregation, and no one else found humour in my idiocy. So I closed the talk by saying "My topic is redemption. I think redemption is a very personal thing, and each person needs to look into themselves and figure out what they need to do to make everything right for themselves." Immediately followed by the standard closing, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

The people looked shocked. I looked over to Jeremy to see his reaction, but he wasn't there. I went out into the foyer, and a girl that I worked with many years ago, said "Hey Christy, Jeremy wanted me to tell you that he can't use his phone right now, but he got a ride home with my friend, and she took him back to her place that is downtown SLC, and he's just going to spend the rest of the day and night there."

I was surprisingly upset by this. I expected that he would go home with the girls and me, we'd have dinner together, and he'd go back to his place. So I tried to call him on his cell phone, and there was a message saying "The person you are trying to call has used their alloted time for this month. Please try back again next month." Then the girl he went home with called me, just to make sure I got the message of where he was. I asked to speak to him. I said "Are you really spending the entire day and night at the house of this girl you just met?" and he responded "Yeah, why shouldn't I? We're not married anymore."

That's all I can remember. I specifically want Randy's analysis, but I'm open to analysis from everyone else! Randy- this may or may not help you. I watched episodes 4&5 of Dexter yesterday.

Preparing a talk for sacrament meeting is equally excruciating, whether I'm asleep or awake.

Part IV: Re-examining past relationships

I think I'm ready now.

I originally posted this last summer, but chickened out. Now I realize how much I've grown since Part IV occured. Time heals all wounds, or time wounds all heals, whatev! ;-)

If you're interested in the part before this, here it is.

I ended Part III by saying "The summer between high school and year one of college brought a lot of new things for me." Continuing....

After my senior year, I was emailing back and forth with a boy I met on Prodigy. Actually, I can't believe I don't remember exactly how we met on Prodigy, but we did. We emailed, talked on the phone... his name was Avery. He asked me to go to his house to visit him, and so I did. I wasn't disappointed. He had blue eyes and black hair, his mom was Chinese, so he got his black hair from her, and his father was a blonde hair blue eyed man, so he got blue eyes from him. He was very cute. We played on his piano for a bit, then went upstairs to his room, where he played his saxaphone for me. Then he put it away, and almost without warning, put me on my back on top of his bed, and stuck his tongue on my mouth. This was my first major makeout, although I had kissed a couple of other guys before. Then he put his hand up my shirt, which I grabbed and pulled back out. Then he rolled over to his back with me on top of him, and undid by bra. Again, I pulled his hands out, and re-fastened. We went to see a movie, then back to his house and made out a bit more. I went home that night in a haze, and spoked to him on the phone just one time after that. I didn't miss him, love him, or even deeply like him. But he gave me my first semi-sexual experience.

Next relationship was Kenneth Whipple. He was a high school friend, and we always had fun together and flirted often. We dated most of the summer, then drifted apart sometime in September. That relationship is so weird to me. I was totally into him, but his friends were always his first priority. He stood me up multiple times, yet I kept taking him back. He was able to sweet talk his way through everything, and made me feel very gullible and vulnerable. The way he broke up with me was by just not calling me or stopping by anymore. I was too timid to find out what was going on. It hurt for a week or so, until I met James.

James Mitchell. What follows next is a long story, grab a sandwich.

James was perfect, or so I thought. He was a recently returned missionary, and the older brother of my best friends boyfriend. I'd go over to their house with her, but never thought much about him because I only had eyes for Kenneth at that point. My friend Alison, whom I had known since pre-K, had a massive crush on him so we did what we couild to get her around him as often as possible. In that process, he fell for me. Our moms taught at the same school and were close friends, his brother dated my best friend, it seemed as though we were meant to be, even though he had to persue me for awhile to realize it. He would do sneaky things like drive everyone around to gatherings, dropping me off last. He would volunteer to bring things to my mom, from his mom. He took me to the Howard Jones concert on October 30th 1993 (YES I remember the exact day), and kissed me that night.

At this point it was official, James had swept me off my feet. This seemed to be a match made in heaven, and our moms were all for it. I talked to my friend Alison to make sure she was okay with my dating him, and off we went. We went skiing almsot every weekend, would prepare our primary lessons for church the next day, and spent the rest of the evenings making out and dry humping. I was totally smitten. He gave me a beautiful gold watch for christmas, and I made him a quilt. On New Years Eve, he told me his resolution was to not go a single day without telling me he loved me. He would leave me love notes on my car (this was before text messages existed, or emails were easily accessible), that I would find after school. I lost myself in him. I lost my identity, who I was. I no longer considered what I wanted in my life, I thought about him and what he wanted and tried to accomodate that. I became insecure and clingy. My very happiness was determined on whether or not he made the effort to call me that day.

One day, towards the end of January, he says to me "I met a girl today named Sharon Brinkerhoff (fake name). She says she knew you in High School." "Wow!" I say. "Sharon is great! She was the student body president and we were very close! How is she doing?" then it hit me. They were perfect for each other. He was going to fall in love with her, I just knew it. But, she was too much the popular type for him, not the average girl next door, like me. He may like her, but she won't like him... at least that's what got me to sleep at night. After that, I noticed him drifting away, emotionally. Things about our relationhip that used to be important to him were no longer. Phone calls and dates became less frequent. Love notes on my car? Did that really happen or did I imagine it? (It happened... just didn't seem like a possibility anymore.) I started feeling desperate, and would tell him things that I thought he wanted to hear, not what was really going on inside my head and my heart. Anything to keep him around.

A friend of mine asked us to be part of a singing group for his mission farewell. We'd go to practices together, and that was about the only time I saw him during february. I had high hopes that something would happen on valentines day, but all he did was bring me some cookies that his mom had made, and not until about 9:30 that night. I was crushed. At the end of February, we had our big sacrament meeting performance. We sat on the stand next to each other, and he had his hand on my leg the entire time. I couldn't help but notice that Shara was in the audience, and didn't stop smiling or taking her eyes off of James the entire time. After the meeting was over, he drove me back to my place, and I asked him to come in and talk to me. We sat in my dads office for about two hours, and had a very painful conversation. He made himself out to be a martyr, saying "I'm going to let you go" and shit like that. He told me that right after he met Sharon, she told him that she prayed about him, and was told that he was the person she needed to marry. He fell for that. She was spiritual and received revelations, and with me, he'd go home feeling sexually frustrated that we couldn't do more than dry hump, and even that was pushing the boundaries. I was too much of a wild temptation for him. We would joke about running to vegas and being married by Elvis ("Let's go see Elvis", we'd say when being very turned on but obedient to most chastity laws), where Sharon blasted him for joking about that because he was making a mockery out of marriage. She kept him on his toes, and I was too predictable. I asked him if he loved Sharon, and just thinking about his response, and the tone of his voice, still bothers me. "It's hard not to." Ouch.

What followed after that was a little drama, which included Sharon finding out how hurt I was and running up to my house with some bogus apology about how our friendship is more important to her than James, blah blah blah. I told her I couldn't/wouldn't stop her from dating him. She said she didn't realize that things were so serious with him and me (eyes rolling). The sad thing is, I believed her. I wanted to believe her. I thought she was on my side. Now, I realize that she always had a stigma about her, always wanting to be the good guy, or the heroine. I wrote James a letter telling him exactly how I felt about what happened, then had him come over to my house so I could read it to him. He told me it was very well written, I had writing talent. He also said that as much as he wants to be that guy who woos me and brings me flowers, he just can't be.

James and Sharon were engaged by that summer, married in September. It was painful to run into common friends, people who didn't realize that James and I had a history, who would said "Did you hear that Sharon is engaged? Her fiance is such a great guy, she's so lucky!". She lived on a main road that I had to take to get to the freeway, and some mornings I'd see them jogging together. Yeah, that really sucked.

A week before they got married, I was sitting in my living room reading a book, when the doorbell rang. It was James.

"Hey, my mom needed me to give this paperwork to your mom, is she here?"

"No, she's at a church meeting right now, but I'll make sure she gets it"

"Great, thanks! How are you doing?"

"I'm fine," I said "I'm just getting ready to go back to school. I changed my major to pre-law. I hear you're getting married next week."

"Yes, I am. Being engaged sucks, I don't recommend it!"

"Okay, well I'll let my mom know you stopped by" I said, making my way to the front door and opening it for him.

"Okay, thanks again! Don't be a stranger!" he said.

"Right!" I retorted, full of sarcasm, and shut the door while he was still looking at me.

That's the last time I spoke to him, face to face. I saw the newlyweds at a restaurant a few months after they were married, but they didn't see me. Soon after, they moved to the St. George area. I get rare updates from my mom, who talks to his mom about once a year. James and Sharon are still married, have 3 or 4 kids. He's going blind, and from what I understand, it's not reversible. I actually felt sad for him when I heard that, I wouldn't wish such a thing on my worst enemy. He'll never get to see his daughter in her prom dress.

And yes, I also considered the fact that it's slightly disappointing thought to realize that when we inevitably meet again (around town, some function for our mothers, or a future high school reunion), he won't be able to see just how hot I am now, and what he missed out on. teehee! Yes, I do have a selfish bitch streak.

More to come.

She makes me smile

My sweet mother. I have to admire her for her courage and desire to adapt to the latest and greatest technology. When I about 6 years old, my mom bought her mother a microwave... her FIRST microwave. I remember sitting in the kitchen and giggling over the fact that it was such a simple thing, but she was struggling to grasp the concept. What I'm about to say, reminds me of that.

As mentioned previously, my mom got an iPhone for Christmas. She knows that texting me is probably the easiest way to get ahold of me, so she's been learning how it works (if you don't know, iPhone texting is probably the COOLEST and easiest of all phone texting options). Here are some gems from mom:

Cindy. Coming.saturday. Not. Friday. R u ok? U come on Friday 2. And bring kids ?? if not. C u sat. 4 sure! Love. Mom

(Cindy is my sister who came to town. So I responded asking if they will be getting in late on Saturday)

Yes. Well late tonite. you can. any time. Saturday. We. Will expect. You

Why. Does. My yputube. Keep showing an an error.


Would it be horribly rude of me to text her all the time just to see how she responds next? It makes me wonder what my daughters will have to teach me about when I am old, while they laugh on the side.

Happy 2008!

Happy New Year!

I feel like what Ihave to say is so un-importantat and cliche, why bother? Then again, most of my stuff is.

My oldest sisters family has been in town this weekend, which I love. She and I have 13 years between us, but have always been very close. Her kids were my "babies" until I had my own. Her daughter, who is 14, is a soulmate of mine. Sounds weird, I know, but we've had an intense connection ever since the day I met her, when she was 6 months old. We have eerie similiarities. She is growing up to be a beautiful girl on the inside and out, I'm so proud to call her my niece! I see them once a year if I'm lucky, twice a year if I'm blessed, but sometimes only every couple of years. Their visit has been the bright spot of my holiday season!

With the new year in front of me, I hear and read the resolutions of others. I don't make my own resolutions... why bother? If something is good for me on January 1st, then it's equally as good for me on December 29th, knowwhatImean? On this day I reflect on the year that's behind me, and wow, what a roller coaster I've been on. I hope that 2008 will bring me more stability. For a long time I've been working on the efforts to forgive myself and others. The objective is to let go of grudges and not take the actions of others personally.

My friend "Patsy" sent me a text message a couple of days ago, letting me know that one of our college roommates just died from oral cancer. I wasn't close to this particular roommate, we never kept in touch after going our separate ways, but I'm still shocked and saddened that a young life, with so much to live for, was taken too soon. Fuck cancer. I'm sure you recall- Patsy is my dear friend who recently lost her most amazing husband to metastatic melanoma.

One last update-- I made the decision to go back on my antidepressants. I thought I was doing fine. I completed a long and slow weaning process, and found out that I'm truly not fine. I was not satisfied with my reactions to many, many things, not one thing in particular. I'm not ashamed that I need the medication; rather, I'm thrilled that they're there for me. I'm also very proud of myself for knowing myself well enough to know when I'm irrational for a long period of time, and taking the steps to remedy that. Tooting my own horn here, I know: I think it's quite brave of me to acknowledge this and do something about it. I contribute that to years and years of conditioning.

I raise a glass to 2008! May it bring happiness, hope and health, to you and those you love dearly.

Cheers!

~XY

Christy's mom has got it goin' on!

Something I overheard my mom say, after getting to know her new iPhone:

"This YouTube is pretty neat! I'll bet you can find hundreds of video's on there!"

What is the understatement of understatement? Although I have to admit, she really is pretty hip for a 70 year old!

I get by with a little Help from my friends

I like to think of myself as self sufficient.  Emotionally.  Intellectually.  Physically.  Monetarily.  (amazing, I think all of these elements are key to a good relationship, as well!)  I defend this right to be self sufficient, at many costs.  I hide my thoughts and feelings in order to protect myself and those around me.  In the process, I only damage myself.

Case in point:  Late last month, my dad noticed that my tires were balding, and told me that I should get new tires.  I groaned at him (come on, this was right when my daughters had their birthday, and xmas was fast approaching.  Who has money for something that will make them more safe with all this snow we've been having?  Not me!!).  At that point he said, "Tell me if you need some help!"

I didn't tell him.  I ignored it.  With pure damn luck (and a brother in the business), I got new tires, and they've handled the snow with beauty and grace!  Forgive me for the sappiness-- we've had a lot of snow lately.  If I had just told my dad that I needed help sooner, I would have gotten what I need, when I needed it.  I can't believe how lucky I am that my brother was in the mood to do a good deed.

Reminds me of the time after I had my twins.  My husband at the time only had a few days off of work to help out.  After that, I had nothing.  I was too proud to ask for any.  I had some co-workers, and one or two neighbors, say "if you need anything, let me know!!".  Of course, what was I going to do?  Call them an admit a weakness?  That I couldn't supply everything that myself, and my daughters needed?  Hell no!  I can do this!  I don't need no stinkin' help!

And I took no help.  I didn't ask for help.  I was Too Proud.

Why do I do this to myself?

I've had some tough times recently.  A friend was telling me about someone he knows with a certain insecurity, and in order to hide it, they shine it to the public and make it seem like their strongpoint.  At that point I realized, that proclaiming my independence, that really, truly, and TOTALLY, I am not self sufficient.

I Need people.  I rely on them.  I want to be around them.  I want the human touch, understanding, and love.  For so long, I've considered this a weakness.  But take a look around the animal kingdom-  the families stick together.  In Africa, the tribes stick together.  In this day and age, our close friends ARE our extended family.  Why shouldn't we rely on each other, cling to each other, help each other?

The shit we face is too much to take alone.

Thanks to everyone who has been there for me, who has helped me and continues to help me through the tough times.  I need you!  I know I'm a lot of work, but please know that my appreciation and admiration is genuine, and will be returned.

I hope the holidays are going great for all!  I, for one, can not wait until January 3rd when everything resumes to normal.

~XY

My Christmas List of Things that Must Go

I say this not to offend, but to help you!!

• Wreaths on the fronts of cars
• Holiday gift baskets from vendors (I love being spoiled by them, don't get me wrong! But a team can only handle so many chocolates, breads, popcorn, caramel corn, nuts, crackers, and yogurt covered pretzels.)
• Christmas letters full of sappy religion and no family updates
• Being lonely
• Overkill of snow
• Gift expecting
• Working during the few days leading up to and following Christmas
• Mean People
• Office potlucks

I really don't want to be completely negative, so here is my list of things about Christmas that must stay:

• Tasteful Wreaths on front doors or windows (I say tasteful because in my last neighborhood, there was a house with a wreath that was so big, you had to step through it to get to the front door. The word hideous doesn't aptly describe. Made us laugh, at least.)
• Clementines
• Bob's soft peppermint balls
• The spirit of generosity
• Christmas lights
• Christmas cards that include a family photo... even better if they contain updates on what everyone has been up to in the past year (My friends Grant and Teri always have the best Christmas letters!)
• Advent Calendars (especially the ones with the little windows containing chocolate!)
• Using the rest of my PTO for the year
• Haikus
• Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (My daughters think he's so cool!)

I hope that everyone is having a fantastic season!

Hi

My girlfriends are HAWT, and that's all I will say about that! ;-)

My new phone is cool and everything, but the best thing is watching and squashing my ants.

Cheers!

Advice from Christy

People, if you listen to nothing else I've blogged about, please please PLEASE listen to this:

Before you tear your heart and soul out while switching over from Verizon to AT&T (Sorry my friend. You know who you are and please know I love you just the same!), talk to me first. I figured it out. I have the inside scoop.

Help me help you.

What a day!

I've been spoiled today!

It started out a few days ago, actually. My brother is the GSM of a local, prestigous, car dealership. Of course, I give him all of my business. (Side Note: I absolutely love walking into the dealership and having the sales guys trip over each other to get to me, as I'm walking in with full confidence, and say "No, I don't need any help, I'm Brad's sister". Of course at that point, they all back off and look at me as if they're trying to figure out how to properly kiss my ass. Superficial for me to admit, but it's a power trip, every time.)

Between my brother and my parents, they've been calling me several times for the past week, telling me that I need to take my car in because there's been a recall. Their shop needs a day to fix the car, and I'm back in business. Of course, my brother will give me a car from the lot to drive in the meantime. So, I take my car in yesterday, and receive a loaner that is the top of the line. That's a standard, from my brother. He is very mafia type that way-- he takes care of those he loves. I go back today to exchange vehicles. He walks me to my car, and says "well, there really wasn't a recall, but I wanted to replace all of your tires for Christmas. Also, I had all the servicing done for your car, too."

WOW!!!

These aren't just any tires. They are top of the line for my 19 inch rims. I knew I needed new tires, and was groaning that it was brought to my attention right before the holidays.


So, here I am, feeling very great about my brand new tires and free service job. Beams of sushine glowing about me, because I have the worlds greatest brother. Then I have a good friend give me a very, very generous gift.

I won't go into the details here, but I was blown away. I feel so un-deserving and inadequate. You know who you are and know what you did, and I thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Allow me to say, with all sincerity, that the friendship you provide for me is enough. In and of itself. I know you hate "thank you's", but Thank You.

I've been treated like a princess today, and I'm absolutely not used to this. Let it be written, and let it be done! December 12, 2007, is Christy's Princess Day.

PS- I'm going to bed now with the knowledge that I'm going to meet up with some of my best girlfriends for coffee tomorrow morning. Now tell me, does life get any better than this??

I can't help but smile at this!

Christmas Haiku

Tonight Emilie asked me
"Why don't the girl reindeer's fly?"
I had no answer.

Happy 6th birthday to my girlies!

This post is late in coming. On the 18th of this month, my babies, Alexa and Emilie, turned 6!! It is so hard to believe. I walk through the stores and see the isles of baby/toddler toys, and I have to remind myself that those are way beneath my girls age and ability.

Last year I blogged about the experience of being pregnant and giving birth to twins, I won't go there again. It's an experience that I play out in my mind, often. It's the hardest thing I've ever done, yet the happiest and most rewarding. Six years ago, I never would have thought I would say that.

At age six, I have two girls who are best friends with each other. They are protective of each other. They are silly. They are SMART. They have fun no matter where they go or what they do. They love to read (they can't really read yet, but can sound out words, and memorize books), they love to play pretend, they are obsessed with horses, love dragons, dinosaurs, Kinder Eggs, and most importantly, friends and family. We had a sweet moment tonight... I bought them the old classic Christmas shows, the stop motion animation with Rudolf, Frosty, and Santa. They wanted to watch the one about Rudolph tonight, so I put it on then excused myself to do laundry. Alexa approached me and said "We don't want to watch the movie about Rudolph unless we can watch it together as a family." So, of course I stopped what I was doing and watched the movie with them.

My girls remind me of what's important. Force me to be patient (which they succeed at, most of the time!). Show me what it's like to be silly and have fun, yet love to learn. My girls inspire me, motivate me, and love me. I am so, so lucky to have them.

Here are some pictures we took the day before their birthday:





Emilie's short haircut turned out to be quite cute, no?

It's my "thing"

Everyone's got a "thing", right? Something mystical, something that just IS about someone, you know? Something that happens for a person, without any effort. A gimmick, perhaps. For instance, Shiree walks into a room and owns it without intention. You just can't not stop and stare at her when she's around. My friend Amy oozes sexuality and confidence. My co-worker Lois can keep a straight face regardless of what's being pulled on her. Remind me to never play poker with her! Heidi manages to attract the crappiest of men, despite the fact that she's beautiful, intelligent, and sophisticated. These are things that can't be controlled or helped, they just are. Some of it is good, some bad. But that's not the point of this.

What's my "thing", my gimmick? It became all too clear to me today. What does Christy do? She witnesses car accidents. It's like a magnetic forcefield. They're drawn to me. I seem to be right there, in the frontlines of it all, but manage to escape without a scratch.

Today I was picking up the girls from Jeremy's house, on possibly the busiest city road in all of Salt Lake County, stopped at a red light waiting to turn left. I was at the front of the line. In the middle of the intersection was a Dodge 1500 pick up towing a trailer. To my immediate right, a car comes zooming down the road, oblivious to the red light, and slams into the drivers side door of the truck. The truck driver gets out the other side, goes and goes to the car who hit him, and the girl gets out of the car, then passes out in the middle of the intersection, while I'm on the phone with 911.

Ultimately, everyone was fine and was able to walk away from this. I have a terrible, terrible fear of car accidents, that goes back exactly 11 years MINUS TWO DAYS, where I was in a bad car accident on the day after Thanksgiving. I was okay, but the car was totalled. I was driving over an icy bridge and lost control. It took me YEARS to recover from that (sometimes I wonder if I really am?), but shit like this accident has popped up all too often. I know the course. I know how to fill out the police forms. I know what info they need. I know that in all of these cases, had the drivers turned their steering wheels slightly in a different direction, I could have been seriously hurt.

Bah. Be smart, people! Pay attention to red lights, halted traffic, your blind spots, and don't J-Walk!

I'm going to cover this post with another, more uplifting post, that will include pictures. I just needed to type this out!

General update on stuff and things

My daughter Emilie really did cut her hair. All of it. I'll post pictures after we get them taken this weekend, but it's pretty bad. Her hair looks like a little boy's. Hopefully it grows fast! Other than a trim one year ago, I've never cut their hair! SOMEONE (not me!!!) left her alone in a room with a pair of scissors. I know this happens to most little girls, but it never happened to me. And, usually, it's just the bangs, not the whole head. Whatchagonnado? Of course this would happen one week before her 6th birthday, when I was planning on taking them in to get their pictures taken. At least everyone can tell the difference between them now.

I'm almost done weaning myself off of my antidepressants, which I started taking last February. The weaning process has not been so bad, mentally. However, I notice that I'm suddenly experiencing emotions that I haven't felt in quite some time. At first I didn't know how to handle it, thought something is wrong with me, but then I took a step back and realized what is going on, so I'm able to handle it better. I probably offended lots of people along the way.

After some brown nosing, pestering and perseverance, I was able to get into a three day class at work (one that is taught at a university level, but crammed into three full days instead of a semester) and I love it! BUT, get this! Today, I realized, that some of my participation (raising my hand like a teachers pet), enthusiasm, and commentary to the lesson, was done with my second button on my blouse undone. The one that goes RIGHT over my cleavage. Exposing myself to the 25 other people in the room who turned to look at me every time I spoke, which was often.

So.... how was YOUR day?

That is so much weird!

(The title is a direct quote from my daughter Emilie. My diva princess Emilie. My angel who was left in a room by an un-named person, unattended, with a pair of scissors. My darling daughter who chopped off all of her beautiful, long, golden locks, and now has very, very short hair. One week before her 6 year old pictures were to be taken. Emilie.)

I've been tagged! The cause is a good one, my blogging skills suck. Thanks to dmarks from inaholdingpatern! The rules are:

A). Link to the person who tagged you and post the rules on your blog.
B). Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself.
C). Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
D). Let each person know that they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.




-----------------

I was tagged about a year ago by darling Sideon, to post six weird things about me. I'll attempt to not repeat any of those weirdnesses, because my god, I have plenty of them.

Here goes.

#1: Recently, I've been thinking about the weird traits that make me ME, and was actually wishing I'd get tagged to post about my weirdness again. True story!

#2: I don't eat or drink or otherwise partake of anything blue. It's just not natural. There is nothing edible in nature that is blue! Don't say blueberries, because they're purple and you know it!

#3: There are certain foods that my stomach doesn't recognize I'm full of, and I seem to be able to keep eating and eating them. They are: Watermelon, Mango's, Pistachio's, and french fries. To name a few. At least only one of those foods will kill me.

#4: When I get fortune cookies, I have to eat the cookie first, then read the fortune, or else it won't come true.

#5: I absolutely will not eat hot dogs unless they're 100% USA Beef, and loaded with crap, such as Chili, cheese, sauerkraut, and onions. I'd be just fine if the actual hot dog were not included.

#6: I don't eat anything that comes from a pig. Not for religious reasons, but because I like pigs too much and and I don't enjoy the fatty stringyness of it. However, on occaision, I will eat a piece of crunchy (nearly burnt) bacon. I like to think that bacon is a vegetable. Definitely doesn't come from a pig!

#7: I get grossed out sooooo easily! For this reason, I don't watch horror movies, because of the gore. Last week at work, some co-workers were talking about the Hostel movies. I would never ever see these movies myself, but based on their comments, I was morbidly curious what they were about. My co-worker sat there for a long time telling me about both movies. After that, I got lunch. I ate two bites of corn, and was done. For dinner that night I still wasn't hungry, so I ordered soup. I ate a quarter of the small container, and was done. Hearing gross things is the best diet for me, although I don't enjoy it. The rest of the day I kept asking my co-workers how they could put themselves through that kind of trauma. I don't get it!

shit, I could keep going, but I'll stop. I gotta tag 7 people now. Please, don't take offense, and just play with me!

1. SumWun
2. Exvestigator
3. A New Eric
4. Aerin
5. Mini Jon B.
6. Lemon Blossom
7. Regina Filangi

damn, I just noticed that most of my list is about food, Kinda strange, since I've not had much of an appetite lately.

Never Gonna Give

no title

I mistakenly deleted this post, so here it is again:

Originally posted on Friday October 26, 2007

I woke up this morning to find out that my friend Patsy's sweet husband passed away yesterday. I blogged about them before, he had metastatic melanoma. He called it mela-SUCKA-noma, but I'm pretty sure he meant mela-FUCKA-noma. He fought that beast hard for 100 days.

Hold your loved ones tighter today, in memory of Bryce Brown. Oh, and try to make a new friend somewhere along the way, because that's what Bryce would do.




I will add some more thoughts since the opporunity is here. Ever since I received the devastating news of Bryce's passing, I've done a lot of reflecting. I didn't know Bryce as well as I wanted to, or should have. Bryce was in my debate class, my sophomore year of high school. He was funny, a total pop-off. I always felt like he was out of my league so I didn't extend myself the way I should have. We did mock-trials together, he played the part of an attorney and I was a witness. He prepped me well, and was a kick-ass lawyer. That was Bryce-- he was just good at everything he put his mind to.

His wife is the one that I've referred to on this blog as Patsy, in my attempt to help her remain anonymous. However, because her blog has become quite high profile, and because she's wanting to speak up and warn the world about the dangers of tanning, I feel safe in referring to her as Tammy, for this post.

Someone on the outside might look at Tammy and think that she's had the world handed to her on a silver platter. She's had some unique privileges, that is true. However, while she could have easily lived the high life, she simply didn't. She loves and interacts with all people. She could just as easily dazzle the president of the united states, as she could a street vendor. Tammy has experienced some horrible, painful, heart wrenching times. She has faced some of the biggest challenges a person should never have to. Her dignity, grace, and ability to still have a sense of humor throughout it all still, is nothing short of miraculous. I can't believe how lucky I am to know her. I know I've praised her on this blog before, but I can't say these things enough.

Bryce had beautiful eyes and a warm smile. He was friends with everyone he met. Like Tammy, status meant nothing to him, he was unconditional. I've never seen Tammy happier, than she has been in the past 5 years with him. You know how girlfriends get together sometimes and gripe about their spouses? She never did that. She never once complained about Bryce to me. She loved him, every piece of him. Bryce was a big guy, and a lot to love. He worshipped his daughter. I was at their house just before his diagnosis, and I told him I wanted to take their baby home and keep her forever, and he quickly denied me.

It's beyond unfortunate that this most excellent human being had his life cut short. A lesson I've learned while standing on the sidelines of this ordeal, is that PEOPLE ARE GOOD. Forgive your grudges, open your hearts, be patient, be KIND!

Last, but not least, STAY AWAY FROM TANNING BEDS AND WEAR SUNSCREEN!!!!!

True Story

"Craig is all about luxurt and comfery. I consider it a comforment that he chooses to hang around with me."

Said by me, to Shiree.

No, I'm not going to tell you how many glasses of wine I had before I made that statement!

You make me feel like Dancin'

On saturday night, I went to a Halloween/Karaoke/Hypnotist show party. I dressed up as a masked woman. I wore a long, strapless, black sequined dress, and a mask that covered my eyes with black and white feathers, and more sequins. I put glitter all over my shoulders, upper chest, cheeks and eyes, and sprayed my hair with glitter hair spray. I was sparkly! (Sorry Craig, you'll be dealing with the after effects of that for days or weeks to come. Think of it as proof that I was there!)

At the party, my friend Anna's fiance, Alan, grabbed my hand and made me dance with him. He spun me, twirlled me, and bent me backwards. I've never danced with him before, so I wasn't confident that he wouldn't drop me when doing these stunts. Plus, my shoes were gripping the floor. It was fun, I kissed his cheek when the song was over, and sat back down. A couple of songs later, another guy (who I don't know, can't remember his name!) grabbed my hand and also made me dance with him. Same thing... he spun me, twirled me, and bent me backwards. Thanks to the warm-up I had with Alan, I was slightly more confident and easier to dance with. It was fun, he kissed my hands when it was over, yadda yadda. Stayed at the party a little bit longer, and left. Sunday I pretty much lazed around all day, not any kind of intense activity. Then this morning happened!

I woke up this morning with the most intense back pains, and upper thigh pains. I couldn't figure out what I did the day before to make my body ache so badly. Then saturday night came to mind. Ugh. I love dancing, but apparently I need to do some warm up exercises first!

Which brings me to my next thought. I'm a sporadic watcher of "Dancing With The Stars", at best. Rarely watch it, and when I do, it's only because I need to better understand what my co-workers are talking about. However, this season, I'm a bit more captivated, because Jennie Garth is a participant.

Really, who can look this good in 1990:



And still look THIS GOOD in 2007?


I worship this woman! And normally, I'm not into blondes.

What's the point of this post? Vote for Jennie. And vote often!

(PS- any advice as to how I can get rid of this back-ache that doesn't involve Ibuprophen?)

A plea to anyone who reads my blog!

Last night, my boyfriends vehicle was broken into, and all contents easily removable were taken, including my cell phone. Everyone is okay, and today we reflected on the fact that this could have been so much worse-- this is more of an inconvenience than anything. No one was hurt, and certainly, more valuable items could have been taken.

This is where my plea comes in! If I at one time had your phone number, even if I rarely use it, will you please text or call me so that I can re-save it in my contacts list? I didn't memorize or write down any numbers. Why should I, with this great technology? hehe. Besides the point.

I promise, if you text or call me, I will use and abuse your number more frequently!

PS- if you text or call me, please leave your name as well. Thanks!!

Welcome to Thursday

Nothing says "Welcome to Thursday!" more than having the RM who sits over the cubicle wall from you, whistling to the tune of "If You Could Hie to Kolob".

Great. That tune is going to be stuck in my head for the rest of the day. da da da da daa daa daa daaaa daaa da da da da daa da daaaaa

Is it stuck in your head, too? Because if I suffer, everyone suffers! :)

What is this world coming to?

Brittney Spears had to hand her kids over to Kevin Federline. Now, I posted a link to a white trash Spears about a year ago... and in that link it seemed like Kevin was smarter, but I didn't really believe it.

Sometimes, going to work seems like more of a rest than being at home.

It's so shocking to find out that places in NYC or Las Vegas really DO sleep.

The Real World becomes less of a real world and more of an orgy.

Spice Girls tickets sell out in 38 seconds. This is in the year 2007!!

Many men and women really DO want the one they can't have. If for no other reason.

Five year olds have a lot of insight to living life.

Blondes really do have more fun.

Being accomodating and adaptable to change tends to get one walked all over.

Humans are more sincere than they are given credit for.

You really do need to be careful what you ask for, because you might get it. (with great power, comes great responsibility!)

"There's no sign of life
It's just the power to charm
I'm lying in the rain
But I never wave bye-bye"
~Davis Bowie

Blog Pimpin'....

I recently discovered this blog and it hasn't bored me yet, that's a very good sign! This dude (or dudette, haven't figured a gender out) manages to find some of the coolest, most interesting things in the world and post about them.

If you like knowing stuff about things (and who doesn't?!?!) I suggest you check out Deputy Dog.

Ciao!

My, how her talents have increased!

Do you recall the post I made last year about my daughters art skillz, that she got from me?

Well, she had to go and prove me wrong. Her skills have intensified to amazing levels! Luckily, she inherited this talent from her dad. I am not able to draw a straight line with a ruler!
Oh, you want me to prove it?

Okay, well check this out, drawn by my daughter Alexa, the same one who drew the "infamous bat":

I know you don't need me to explain that this is Bono, because of course you already knew that. Check out those glasses, and the microphone! The little brown critters next to him? Why, those are his chihuaua's. Like, duh!

Gonna party like it's my Bloggiversary!

Happy Bloggiversary to ME! It was one year ago today that I finally started blogging. I initially started it to better stalk my friends Eric and Laura. Plus I saw the community that blogging brought together, and wanted to be a part of it. As my original post states, I really didn't think anyone would ever read it, I thought I was just doing this to say what I wanted to say, in my own place.

Things that I've learned in the past 365 days:

The things people say on their blogs, are not an accurate representation of who they truly are. 'nuff said.

The more you post, the more responses you get.

If you post, they will come.

There is one single celebrity that has generated more hits from google searches than all the others combined, multiplied 10. I'm afraid to mention her name again, so let's just say that it starts with an S and ends in a carlette. Her last name starts with a J and ends in ohanssen. People are quite perverted, in what they want to know about her.

Readers eat up posts that talk about Victoria's Secret models.

No matter how careful you think you are on your blog, trust me. From my own experience. Random people from your real life WILL find you. Sometimes it's pleasent. Others, not so much. Be careful what you blog about.

Blogging can be addictive.

No, being a fellow ex-mormon/woman/mommy/depression sufferer/Bono worshiper will NOT guarantee that you will ever get to meet Dooce.

Most bloggers are da coolest cats, evah!

Adding any kind of visitor tracking device to your blog makes it so much fun! You get to stalk who stalks you!

I'm so glad I crashed the blogosphere party! I've met some truly amazing people this way, and have learned much about myself.

Here's to many more!

It's hard to keep some secrets!

This is the guy who makes my heart go pitter patter:



It's true. :)

Haiku time with a bonus!

I am getting old

There's no use denying it

Now time to accept

Several things have been brought to my attention lately that reinforce the fact that I'm getting old. Now, I don't say this to patronize, I'm only 32! It's like someone who is 15 pounds overweight complaining about what a fatty they are to people who may be morbidly obese. The fact of the matter is, there is no reversing the age factor, it's not like losing weight. Every day I get older, whether or not I notice it. To me, it feels like I stay the same, but everyone else around me ages. Then I wake up one morning and have kindergartners. Children of colleagues, whom I remember as newborns or tots, are going to Jr. High School or getting drivers licences. This realization freaks me out. I remember the first day of 7th grade, as if it were yesterday!

I was born the youngest of the youngest of the youngest of the youngest. I've always been the baby of my family, and used to being the youngest person wherever I go. All of that is fading away. I used to detest being the youngest, and welcomed the day where I would feel average. As you can see, this is all rather humbling. I don't hate the aging process, per say.... it just shocks me.

I went to the Lagoon amusement park this summer, for the first time in 12 years. I always had season passes when I was a teen, then worked there at age 16. By the time that summer ended, I was "lagooned out" and returned a handful of times before I stopped altogether. That's besides the point, just setting my situation up.

So, I'm in line for the bumper cars. The ride is still the same. The technology is the same. The cars are the same. The speech is the same. The only, and I mean ONLY thing different about this ride is the paint on the north wall. Really.

Back to standing in line-- I was sitting there reminiscing about my days operating that ride. I actually loved that ride because it kept me in the shade, and I got to test drive the cars to make sure they worked, or park them if I was on the afternoon shift. I was 16 when I worked that ride... so I looked at the operator, and realized that she is most likely 16. now. Holy Hell, I was 16 exactly 16 years ago. This means I worked this ride when she was a newborn. That was half of my life ago.

OH. WOW.

I can't stop this. My only choice is to enjoy it. Luckily for me, I look much younger than I am. Part of this is genetics, and part of this is because I don't love being in the sun. When I am, I wear insane amounts of sunscreen. I can count how many times I've been sunburned, on one hand. Yes, I'm pale and practically ghost-like, but I'm okay with that. When I'm 60, I'll look 40. Which brings me to my final point of this post.

My friend Patsy, whom I have blogged about, is still helping her husband fight cancer. Things aren't great, but they're doing what they can. She's living what would be a nightmare for anyone.... yet continues to do so with such dignity and grace. She posted this link in my comments, so I'm going to post it here: http://www.brycedbrown.com/ .

Please everyone... WEAR SUNSCREEN! If you're a parent of a teenager, do NOT allow them to use tanning beds, they kill! As my friend said, you may get protesting, but do it anyway. You're saving their life.

Also- cherish your small moments. Enjoy watching TV with your loved one. Express your love. Hug your babies tighter (even if they're not technically babies, they're still your babies!). Revel in the mundane ordinary. Love your life. Pass hope and kindness on to others. Just do it.

Henry and June

My dear friend JulieAnn blogged about it, and so will I. I was priveleged enough to be her guest at a screening of this movie at a small bookstore, downtown SLC.

First of all, allow me to give some props to JulieAnn- she is a rare woman who is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside. I've known her for just a couple of months, but she and I have a great connection. I'm so lucky to know her and be friends with her! Besides, she fed me some amazing food! Mwah! Love you, JulieAnn! Luck, I tell you. LUCK!!

So, we go and watch this film, with our respective SO's (yes, I have a significant other. No, I haven't blogged about him. Yes, he is HOT. No, you don't get to meet him yet!). SO and I felt very corporate at this shindig. Not nearly goth or hip enough. At any rate, they welcomed us, offered us wine and beer (which I partook) and we settled in for the 2 hr.+ movie.

I could relate to so much of what Anais Nin experienced. In this film, she is newly experiencing her own sexuality, as it relates to men and women. The scene in particular that grabbed me, is where she is out and about an notices all of these men noticing her. Wow, yes.

The first time I noticed someone notice me, I felt dirty. I felt like I did something wrong because a person of the opposite sex noticed me. Thank you, mormon mindfuck. This happened in 6th grade. I wore a miniskirt one day, and Marcus looked at me under my desk. I felt so violated, and evil at the same time. Yes, he looked at me, but it was my fault! Bad, bad me. I never wore that skirt again.

Later, in my married years, I recall going grocery shopping one day. A man walked past me and had an obvious head turn, watching me walk into the store. I was wearing black capri's an a light blue babydoll-t Tshirt. I was humiliated, and refused to wear that outfit again.

Back to Anais. god. This woman-- is exquisite. Considering what was taboo in the 1930's, she made it into herself. What she was, who she is. I'm certain that if she existed today, she be a blogger, to the likes of JulieAnn (Ravings of a Mad Woman), or Dooce (Heather Armstrong). Someone who knows how to eloquently speak her mind.

JulieAnn- Thanks so much for inviting me. I feel awakened. Alive. "innocent", and beautiful. I truly love it when I find someone whose words are exactly as they write- geniune, humble, real. They are what they are and offer no apologies, nor should they. I love people as they are, and am fascinated by how they inspire me.

The human species rules.

I got inked!

I got this tattoo last month, and am finally getting around to blogging about it now:

I LOVE it! I've wanted a tattoo for years, but never knew what I would want to live with, forever. Then I realized that I wanted an ankle bracelet with a heart shaped charm that had and "A" and an "E" in it (for my daughters!). Inspiration struck, and through several twists of fate, I was lucky enough to end up with Steve from Anchor Ink, downtown SLC.

Steve owns the company, and knew exactly what I wanted: Something feminine, badass, and meaningful, all the same time. I gave him my ideas, and he ended up with this. I love it, and know I will, forever!

Can't think of a title for this one

There are people who come in to your life, that I consider to be "Once in a Lifetime Friends". These are the people that you know you are lucky to know. The friends who love you no matter what, and that you love, no matter what. Friends that you may go years between speaking to, but when you do, you pick up right where you left off. Friends that you look at in awe, because you know just how lucky you are to know them. What's even more amazing, is that they want to be friends with you, too!

I've been so lucky to have such a friend. I've posted about her before, she's known on the Degenerate Elite as Patsy. She's always been supportive of my blog and leaves her great personality spattered throughout the comments.

Patsy is the most funky and fun person I know. She is the epitome of ultra hip, even without trying to be. She's always been, in my mind, the type of person who is the best at whatever she does. Whether it's cleaning her house, painting a portrait, drawing a charcoal ape, flirting with boys, baking a chocolate cake from scratch, singing, doing her hair and makeup, doing friends hair and makeup, swimming the butterfly stroke, playing the flute, drawing charicatures of just about anything, or harvesting the bones out of a corpse. Yes, that too. Her talents reach far and wide. And truly, she is the best at whatever it is. The spectacularly amazing part about this, is that she's so damn humble about it. She doesn't think she's the best, she just is.

Patsy listens to me without judgement. She has allowed me to return that favor by confiding in me as well. She has always offered an understanding and open heart, and has a way to find the humor in any situation. I've seen her face the harshest of lifes realities, and she handles everything with incredible dignity and grace. She is, without question, someone that I am damn lucky to know. It's crazy for me to remember a time that I avoided her presence (stupid high school drama!)

Patsy is facing the toughest challenge of her life right now. Her darling husband, her best friend and her soul mate, has been diagnosed with a very aggressive form of mestatic melanoma. His doctors have given him two months, but every day it seems to get a little more scary for them.

I was just at Patsy's house last month. I spoke to her husband, and held their 7 month old baby. This baby is the first baby that I've ever held that has given me those baby hunger pains. She is so sweet, and so loved. Patsy and her husband went through their own personal hells (he has fought cancer before, and was just told that he beat it. She went through a horrible divorce), and found each other 5 1/2 years ago. They are so in love, so happy, and have built a wonderful life together and finally had their dreams come true of having a beautiful daughter. Then they get this devistating blow.

This is where I need my blog friends and readers... if any of you have any experiences with this kind of cancer, let me know and I'll give you the link to their blog where you can offer support and/or encouragement. If you'd like to see their blog and I know you, send me an email and I'll give you the link. Otherwise, please, whatever it is you do to have miracles performed, can you please keep this family as part of your practice? If you meditate, pray, positive thoughts, vibes, whatever... please keep my friends in your hearts.

All of my love to Patsy and her family.

The Great and Dreadful Day

For nearly 6 years I've been looking forward to this day. I remember hearing and seeing other moms talk about how this day brought them heartache and sadness, and I thought they were silly. There has to be everything in the world to look forward to on this day. This day marks the entry into freedom, growth, space, and overall happiness. Those other moms were just saying it made them sad, to make them feel like a better mom.

Then, it happened to me. What is it, you ask? Today, I began the process of registering my daughters.... for Kindergarten.

*sigh*

For the most part, I am happy and not sad. I've always been a working mom and have had guilt over the fact that I'm not at home with them each and every day. On the other hand, I selfishly love my independance and freedom while I work, and love being "Christy" for 8 hours every day. However, there is not a minute that passes, where I don't think about my blonde haired, blue eyed beauties. One of my daughters, Alexa, asked me once what I do when I get sad and miss them. I told her that I have pictures of them all over my walls at work, so when I get sad I can just look at them, think about how cute they are and how much I love them, and get happy. Then, she asked me to give her a picture of me so that she can do the same thing.

These two girls have been the loves of my life. There are times that I get frustrated and lose my patience to embarrassing levels, but I've never know more beautiful, intelligent, funny, sweet, kind, and caring individuals. I have seen them stand up for each other "No mom, you are NOT taking her to the doctor to get shots. Take me!" , "It's okay if Alexa gets the last pair of spiderman socks today. I want to see her look cool!" (yes, they love spiderman and love their spiderman socks) , "Emilie, I love how you look when you're running in your sandals and wear capri's". These two angels are best little friends, friendly to others, sensitive, and inclusive. I couldn't ask to know, let alone raise, two better human beings. I am so lucky.

Just today, Emilie told me that she loves me to death and can't even stop hugging me. Alexa told me that she wishes she had a really big bum so that everyone can smell it. We all laughed, giggled, and snuggled.

In two weeks, they will start kindergarten. My perfect girls. They're not going to be the smartest in their class, they're going to be perfectly in the middle. They're going to make lots of new friends and dazzle their teacher(s). There is no doubt that for the rest of their life, they're going to be known as "The Twins". They'll have noteriety and popularity without trying, but I think they'll set a good example of how to be. I didn't ask for twins, I didn't hope for twins, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

I just can't believe how fast time has flown. In another 6 years, they'll almost be 12. Unfathomable. I love my sweethearts more than life itself. I'm so lucky!

Still, selfishly, I am looking forward to kindergarten. Mostly, I can't wait to see how their minds grow!

Vegas Baby, yeah!

I'm off for a weekend of sin and debauchery. I would return and report, but you know how it goes.... what happens in Las Vegas, STAYS in Las Vegas!

Huh.

Last night I made a very long, overly detailed post about part IV of my relationship examination process. I posted it, shut down my computer, and got ready for bed. By the time I was done with my routine, I realized that I didn't like the vulnerable and exposed feeling I had. I didn't realize that publicly talking about my past relationships would bother me, but this time it did. Perhaps it spotlighted my faults in an all too real manner. Perhaps I realized that I haven't changed as much as I thought I have. Perhaps I'm pissed that all of the pain I experienced still hurts a little.

At any rate, I'm not able to talk about it anymore. The post was up for about a half hour, I think a few people already saw it.

This weekend I experienced....

Dirt roads, childrens laughter, deer, four wheelers, relaxation, horses, trees, road trip, Idaho, hugs and kisses, excited faces on my daughters, dust, new friends, a hot shower on a tired and dirty body, isolation, views disrupted by other gorgeous views, bunnies, Gewerztraminer wine, cows, goofy grins, my daughters living their dream of being up close and personal with beautiful horses, wind on my face, Idaho strength beer, wildflowers, badgers, sweet and calm ranch dogs, old friends, chili and cheese potatoes, horseback riding, afternoon naps, air conditioning, a few read pages in the final Harry Potter, being awoken in the middle of the night by sweet dreams, good conversations, spontaneous moments.

I think I have experienced heaven.

10 Weird or Different Experiences

The lovely JulieAnn has tagged me to post 10 weird weird or different experiences about me. I have posted some strange things about myself in the past. I'll try to come up with 10 more!



1. When I was 7 or 8, I slid down the twisted banister of the house I was living in (in Germany), and my foot got caught between the slats. I fell straight backwards, and hit my head on the ground, hard. I passed out. My oldest sister found me, took me into the living room, and I swear between that time, I had a life after death experience. I saw the bright white lights, and turned around and walked back. I was confused as hell when I woke up.



2. I used to make myself pass out all the time, when I was in Jr. high. I learned how in 4th grade by accident, when doing what I could to make my face really red. It later became a recreation. Luckily my mom saw what was happening and got me some professional help.



3. I believe that in my previous life, I was a broadway diva who was very mean to people. As a punishment, I was put in this life with absolutely no talent but total desire.



4. I said it in the last post but I'll say it again, because it's that weird. My memory is insane. I scare people, and embarrass myself.



5. I take a certain medicine at night (Trazadone) to help me sleep. In turn, it gives me very vivid, realistic dreams. To the point that I've had to ask people if I dreamed about a conversation we had, or if it really happened.



6. I think I had my first orgasm at age 8, sliding up and down on a wooden pole of playground equipment at my school in Germany.



7. Speaking of Germany, I used to live across the street from some "Gypsy's", meaning a family from Yugoslavia. It was an old woman and her mentally challenged, adult son. I used to think that they were going to kidnap me, so whenever had to go past their house, I ran. Then I used to pop my head out of my roof top window and spy on them. The most sinister thing they did was hang their laundry and try to sell my mom a rug.



8. While at an ex-mo picnic on sunday, I ran into a girl that I've known since pre-K, in Bountiful. I moved away, but moved back to Bountiful in time for High School. Our groups of friends were friends, but different cliques. I remembered that in kindergarten or 1st grade, I slammed her finger in the bathroom stall door. I used that stall every time ever since, out of guilt. There was a little bit of blood left on the door, so it was easy to remember. She showed me the scar that she still has on her finger, since that incident, but forgot it was me who inflicted the damage.



9. After I click on "Publish Post", I know I'll come up with a million weird situations that I've had, even though I'm struggling to think of them right now.



10. My dreams have been known to be prophetic. Whether it's being in a room of someones house I didn't know existed, a conversation that takes place the next day. I'm not talking about deja vu, this is different. I have a dream, think about it the next morning, then the person I dreamed about will come up to talk to me and I already know exactly how the conversation is going to go.

*Sigh*

It's been forever since I have posted. I'm so sorry for those of you waiting for an update. I have so much to say, but so little time to say it. For the next little while, I don't have internet access at work. That sucks.

Today I feel that I have to post about something incredible, something miraculous, something amazing.

Are you ready for it?

Today. I met none other than. The one. The only. The famous. WRY CATCHER!!!!

I went to an ex-mo picnic in Lindon today. Most of my friends were there, all of our kids ran around and had tons of fun. yadda yadda yadda.

I MET WRY CATCHER!!!!!!!!

*sigh*